To think you don’t complain when you’re getting free child care?

[WorkingGirl7]

Our lovely nanny has been with us for the last 4 years taking care of my two boys (age 7) after school and full time during the holidays. She’s brilliant and I trust her completely.
Due to the current situation my boys haven’t seen any of their friends for a few months and they won’t be going back to school until September at the earliest so I thought it would be nice to invite one of their friends over once a week (with our nanny’s permission) just so they can socialise and have a bit of normality. He has been coming every Wednesday whilst I’m at work. I am quite close to his mother and we normally text every other day however I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve made a mistake inviting them over. I’ve noticed that every time he visits his mother makes comments which I think are quite rude. Some examples are -

The first time he visited I spoke to his mum that night just to see if he’d enjoyed himself and she told me that he didn’t like our nanny, no reason why. I spoke to my nanny the next day (didn’t tell her what had been said) just to see if everything had been okay whilst he’d been over and she said that he had been fine. A couple of weeks later he told his mum that our nanny hadn’t fed him much all day (personally I didn’t believe this as our nanny is a great cook). I spoke to her anyway and explained what had been said and she explained that the boy had been dropped off at 9:30 and told her he hadn’t been given any breakfast at home. That day he had 3 meals, plus a snack at my house so had been fed plenty. My nanny did explain that the boy constantly asks for food every 30 mins even after he’s had a large meal.

Yesterday he went home upset because our nanny asked him to stop playing rap songs on the Alexa (apparently he kept on asking to play Eminem which is obviously inappropriate). She explained to him that we don’t listen to songs like that in our house BUT did not tell him that he couldn’t listen to it at home! According to his mother he was extremely upset afterwards. I think it’s probably best if we part ways and no longer have the boy over as it’s putting stress on not only me, but my nanny as well. This was suppose to be a fun arrangement for the boys to spend some time together but has now turned into a complete nightmare because his mother complains every week. I also don't appreciate the accusations being hurled at my nanny as she really is apart of the family. I would rather not fall out with her but I’m not sure how she’ll take it when I tell her he can’t come anymore. AIBU?

Could it be you and your children see your nanny as part of the family, CF family see her as 'staff' who can be told what to do unchallenged?

I also think all day is too long. Playdates are usually 2-3 hours max.

Summer holidays is a good excuse to knock the regular arrangement on the head

Assuming you like the mum and child:
“We are a bit all over the place this summer, so need to stop it being a regular arrangement, We will have to get together over the summer, see you soon”

It is free childcare because it's regular and the mum can have the day off every Wed.

Just stop the arrangement, it sounded fun, actually it is causing you and the nanny stress. Also, accusations like the child wasn't fed all day are actually quite alarming. Don't have the child over again, just say it's not working out and best to stop.

Are you at home too or are the children in the sole care of your nanny?

I think the fact that this is a recurring play date and the adult is the nanny has led to a certain level of expectation from the mum (I.e. not feeding him breakfast on the expectation that the nanny will do so). Also, the kid seems to expect a certain level of subservience from the nanny (I.e. saying she hasn’t been nice to him) that can only have come from the parents.

I’m glad you’re putting a stop to it OP, the kid doesn’t even sound very nice.

But maybe the mum doesnt want "free childcare". Maybe she too just wants a playdate. An opportunity for her child to socialise.

I use a childminder for childcare. If I invited one of my sons friends over for a playdate and sent the pair of them off to the childminder for the day people would think I was bloody weird.

I think you were a bit cheeky to ask your nannie to do this.
It would be pretty hard for her to refuse and so she is stuck with an extra child for a full day who she doesn’t know well and seems to have different boundaries than you have put in place for your children.
It is not even possible for her to take them anywhere to run off some energy so she is stuck in the house with three 7 years olds to entertain.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland the friend’s mum knows the play dates are supervised by the nanny so if she just wants a play date then she should just say no. Really don’t get your point.

Is the nanny getting paid any extra for looking after an extra child? I hope she is

It’s not working so stop it. Just a polite breezy message to end the arrangement.

The kids haven’t socialised with others for months then spend all day together (and the visitor probably doesn’t know the nanny?). It sounds like visitor isn’t enjoying it, is maybe pushing nanny more because he’s upset than out of an attitude with her.

Tell her to provide a lunchbox and the nanny is who is in charge your house your rules.
The child maybe jealous or challenge your nanny, perhaps it is best to cancel the play dates.
So children do not like it when rules and new people are "in charge".
Unfortunately if the child's mother takes it on and has a go cancel it for sure.
Poor nanny! at least you tried.
Mention worming a child can make them less cranky and hungry.

Tell her to provide a lunchbox and the nanny is who is in charge your house your rules.
The child maybe jealous or challenge your nanny, perhaps it is best to cancel the play dates.
So children do not like it when rules and new people are "in charge".
Unfortunately if the child's mother takes it on and has a go cancel it for sure.
Poor nanny! at least you tried.
Mention worming a child can make them less cranky and hungry.

I think you need to make an excuse and break the every Wednesday routine, I should think something has come up and your nanny and children are going out next Wednesday. You don't need to fall out over it, if you handle it carefully and say you are busy for the next few weeks, and hope to catch up soon. The onus is really on her to invite your child back? Why hasn't she done so if she is at home? The arrangement looks a little one sided to me.

An all day playdate will be exhausting, and maybe the child is trying to communicate that by making excuses as to why he doesn't like your nanny. Particularly as it is not unreasonable to stop them playing certain types of music if they are young.

I would arrange to see some other friends instead on a rotation, and make it just the afternoon for a few hours op.

I’m a nanny, and having a child over all day is part of the job (and pretty much the norm in my area). Parents here definitely treat it as childcare which I really don’t mind. That being said, I will only have certain children for the whole day, and those children tend to get on well with my charges and have respect for the rules of the house. My boss always asks me first because she knows that certain children create more work for me than others.

Sounds like there is an attitude that is being brought from home here too. Knock it on the head.

I would stop the arrangement. Its unfair on your nanny. Just text her, "sorry I can't do the play dates for a while. As we have too much on at the moment. Hope you are all well." Trust me, your nanny will be relieved! Perhaps invite a different child over as a one time thing, rather than a long standing arrangement.

I work in the office all week and then we usually spend the weekend together as a family. I don't understand why it would be weird for our nanny to look after him. Absolutely she could have refused if she didn't feel comfortable. Our nanny is very honest so I'm sure she would have told us if she didn't want to do it. She was happy at first but understandably her feelings have now changed. I will knock it on the head.

Is she actually complaining or just querying things he's said?
I do think you're right to break it off as you're putting your nanny in a really difficult situation if you continue this arrangement.

OP you sound like an ace employer, I wish my previous bosses were as considerate as you are.

As a Nanny I'd really hate this arrangement, the boy sounds greedy and spoilt - better to lose this friend than your (amazing sounding) Nanny!

@QuacksInTheDark

Your poor nanny must dread every Wednesday arriving. Sack them off, entitled rude arses.

^This.

If it is a playdate, why is your son not being invited to his friends house for his fiends mum to supervise?
You've had her son three times, and she hasn't invited yours back??

The kids probably hasn't invited back because she is enjoying the peace and doesn't want additional kids to look after

It does sound like the child in question is difficult & mum taking the mick not inviting back at all, but I personally just think so strange to have a play date supervised by the nanny. My son wouldn't have another child back after school with the childminder, so this just feels really odd to me. To you your nanny is family, to the other mum she is your childcare and you dont usually send your child off to childcare with their playdate.

It is very rude of him to complain about your nanny, and worse still that his mother has communicated this to you!

I would be mortified if my child came home from a playdate, and then proceeded to give me a list of things that they were not content with, and she felt the need to share this with you?! Obviously if there were safe guarding issues that would be a very different conversation, but the problems you have listed are a matter of personal opinion and taste - music, meals etc.

I would think something has gone seriously wrong with my parenting if any child of mine felt that this was in any way okay, he sounds extremely entitled, and I am not sure he would be welcome back in my home any time soon. Nor would I want my child mixing with someone like him.

Surely the mother should have called you only to thank you for your hospitality and nothing more, she is reinforcing her child's behaviour by sharing his 'concerns' with you! If her child is so unsuited to playdates then she should gently decline them going forward (or teach him some bloody manners!)

Perhaps he wouldn’t behave like this with a parent? He sounds like hard work tbh. Knock it on the head. Just say it hasn’t really worked out for the kids —or your nanny—