To think you don’t complain when you’re getting free child care?

[WorkingGirl7]

Our lovely nanny has been with us for the last 4 years taking care of my two boys (age 7) after school and full time during the holidays. She’s brilliant and I trust her completely.
Due to the current situation my boys haven’t seen any of their friends for a few months and they won’t be going back to school until September at the earliest so I thought it would be nice to invite one of their friends over once a week (with our nanny’s permission) just so they can socialise and have a bit of normality. He has been coming every Wednesday whilst I’m at work. I am quite close to his mother and we normally text every other day however I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve made a mistake inviting them over. I’ve noticed that every time he visits his mother makes comments which I think are quite rude. Some examples are -

The first time he visited I spoke to his mum that night just to see if he’d enjoyed himself and she told me that he didn’t like our nanny, no reason why. I spoke to my nanny the next day (didn’t tell her what had been said) just to see if everything had been okay whilst he’d been over and she said that he had been fine. A couple of weeks later he told his mum that our nanny hadn’t fed him much all day (personally I didn’t believe this as our nanny is a great cook). I spoke to her anyway and explained what had been said and she explained that the boy had been dropped off at 9:30 and told her he hadn’t been given any breakfast at home. That day he had 3 meals, plus a snack at my house so had been fed plenty. My nanny did explain that the boy constantly asks for food every 30 mins even after he’s had a large meal.

Yesterday he went home upset because our nanny asked him to stop playing rap songs on the Alexa (apparently he kept on asking to play Eminem which is obviously inappropriate). She explained to him that we don’t listen to songs like that in our house BUT did not tell him that he couldn’t listen to it at home! According to his mother he was extremely upset afterwards. I think it’s probably best if we part ways and no longer have the boy over as it’s putting stress on not only me, but my nanny as well. This was suppose to be a fun arrangement for the boys to spend some time together but has now turned into a complete nightmare because his mother complains every week. I also don't appreciate the accusations being hurled at my nanny as she really is apart of the family. I would rather not fall out with her but I’m not sure how she’ll take it when I tell her he can’t come anymore. AIBU?

Of course you can complain when you get free childcare if there are legitimate reasons. The question is whether there are any or not and you don’t know because you aren’t there.

I agree that you need to be inviting another friend over instead as this situation isn’t working for any of you.

Also, don’t automatically assume that because someone doesn’t have their child for a day that you are doing them a favour.

It is years since we had a nanny but perfectly normal for the nanny to host playdates, mine just stood in for me when I was at work and she would often collect other children with my sons from school and have them back for tea etc. or for a day in the holidays. if they are well behaved this actually means less work for the nanny and of course when your child goes on a play date with his friends at their house she gets a bit of down time.

OP, I can't believe you have allowed this continue for successive Wednesday's. It should have ceased after the first Wednesday as "clearly precious child wasn't happy".

For someone so obviously happy with her au pair she is being poorly treated.

I would imagine the au pair indeeds dreads wednesdays now and must be quietly irritated.

Be careful OP, this could bite you in the arse.

I don't think 'free childcare' is either here or there, as she didn't ask for it and doesn't need it as far as we know. But clearly neither child nor parent are satisfied with the arrangement, and equally clearly the complaints aren't reasonable and therefore aren't amenable to improvement. I would just knock it on the head by saying it's not working out, as various pp have suggested. As an aside, I might wonder why this child is hungry constantly and keep an eye on that in the future if possible. You sound like a good employer btw.

From what people are saying though, about a parent not being home, suggests that people think he would behave better if it was a parent at home.

Surely that shouldn't matter, the adult in charge, is the adult in charge.

I'd be completely straight up I think.

"Hi Karen, sorry if Tarquin doesn't like Nanny, she's lovely and great with our DC so I'm afraid I can't comment on that. He had 3 meals the first time he was here. The second time she stopped him putting Eminem on the Alexa because the language and content wasn't appropriate for small children. If he's not having fun here he of course doesn't have to come anymore! Xxx"

I'm not entirely sure @Mumto1andthetinybun. I understand why she queried the food issue as I probably would have done the same if it was my child and just asked what they'd had to eat but I found her comment about her son not liking our nanny incredibly rude and thoughtless. She really didn't need to say that imo.

@sillysmiles

From what people are saying though, about a parent not being home, suggests that people think he would behave better if it was a parent at home.

Surely that shouldn't matter, the adult in charge, is the adult in charge.

It shouldn’t matter who the adult is, but some people do not act the same with a parent as they do a nanny. My ds is extremely well behaved at school and wouldn’t dream of being cheeky to a teacher. Me, not so much!

If the mother is not reciprocating, of course it's free childcare!

For the sake of your nanny, stop the invitations immediately! How much more is the nanny paid for the extra work?
Unless she is desperate for cash, it sounds like she would be much better off without the unpleasant visitor.

Is precious child's mum paying the nanny? No
Is the nanny providing care for the child? Yes
= free child care. No exactly rocket science is it

Glad you are going to end the arrangement. You did a good thing, giving her a day to herself whilst your dcs had a friend round. Shame it didnt work out. No good deed goes unpunished though, so prepare for the backlash!

Maybe the other mum is thinking she'd like to spend time with her own kid and doesn't quite know how to say "actually I'd rather not send him over on my day off"

It would seem to me that he has very little respect for your nanny, and on that basis he would not be coming any more. I don't expect sweeping gratitude from my children's friends but I do expect basic manners and respect.

Call it a day, who needs this kind of stress!!

Tell her it's over, she only had one shot, one chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime - yo! Or something along those lines.....

Maybe the other mum is thinking she'd like to spend time with her own kid and doesn't quite know how to say "actually I'd rather not send him over on my day off"

I honestly do not believe any parent is unable to say "thank you but we have other plans that day" if they want to!

I’m confused OP. Presumably you know this child and have had him over when you are looking after your child? When my mum is here in the holidays looking after my child, there are some kids I know can come over and it’s fine and some I know absolutely not to invite.

From what people are saying though, about a parent not being home, suggests that people think he would behave better if it was a parent at home.

I think the suggestion is nanny’s aren’t paid to host play dates.

I think your idea was really good but as she doesn't seem to appreciate it , don't invite him anymore.

I would knock the arrangement on the head. He had a hissy fit when your nanny, very reasonably, didn't want him playing Enimen on Alexa and he's lied about your nanny not feeding him when she did.

He's sounds spoilt and indulged and I worry what he's going to come out with next regarding your nanny. I used to be a nanny and I would be concerned now about this child coming into the house, please protect her.

I'd just explain to mum that she has said her child isn't happy with our nanny so you'll see them in September when school resumes.

janice I think you might be hard pushed to find any parent that 'needs' to spend quality time with their children after such a long lockdown!

Children need to adjust to different boundaries in other peoples homes and it is completely normal for them to "complain" if things are different.

Your friend, I assume, was just mentioning in conversation what her ds said, not insisting the nanny should let him play eninem. You sound as though she should be more grateful, tell you everthing was perfect and not have an honest conversation.

madbirdlady22
actually, I disagree. I can't wait to go on holiday with mine. I have been working from home, so we have all been stuck together in the same house, but between work and homeschool, we all need a break together. We haven't really had a chance for any "family time" since March.

As long as someone gets them out of the way so I can get my hair done, I am good

But anyway, if the other mother is enjoying the "me time", the least she could do is being graceful about the opportunity!

Yep just casual this one out. “Aw he’s clearly not enjoying coming over as much as we had anticipated. Never mind, we’ll leave it there then. Have a good summer and we’ll see you in September.”

Kids will fib.

It sounds like the boy likes telling his mother things that get him attention, enjoying the drama and complaining about the nanny. Being only 7 though, he's not yet realised that it would put a swift end to his playdates. The mother doesn't appear to have copped that her whinging will also bring about an end to her child-free Wednesdays. A good lesson for them both I think not to look a gift horse in the mouth if you just diplomatically cancel all future play dates.

I'd have actually gone back to the mum of the boy and asked her why by 9:30 he hadnt been fed any breakfast before being dropped off at someone else's house. If he had breskfast, she then knows he's lying. If he actually hasn't been fed, you know she's a pretty cheeky person and not a great mum.

Presumably if the parents invited him back your nanny would have an easier day. But if that doesn't happen then it's one sided and unfair.
Doesn't sound as though the arrangement is valued by anyone so time to stop it.

Just stop. You didn't suggest every Wednesday until September did you?
I would arrange it so that your nanny takes your boys on a day out or half day out next Wednesday so that breaks the routine and don't issue an invite for the following week. Just leave it.