To think you don’t complain when you’re getting free child care?

[WorkingGirl7]

Our lovely nanny has been with us for the last 4 years taking care of my two boys (age 7) after school and full time during the holidays. She’s brilliant and I trust her completely.
Due to the current situation my boys haven’t seen any of their friends for a few months and they won’t be going back to school until September at the earliest so I thought it would be nice to invite one of their friends over once a week (with our nanny’s permission) just so they can socialise and have a bit of normality. He has been coming every Wednesday whilst I’m at work. I am quite close to his mother and we normally text every other day however I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve made a mistake inviting them over. I’ve noticed that every time he visits his mother makes comments which I think are quite rude. Some examples are -

The first time he visited I spoke to his mum that night just to see if he’d enjoyed himself and she told me that he didn’t like our nanny, no reason why. I spoke to my nanny the next day (didn’t tell her what had been said) just to see if everything had been okay whilst he’d been over and she said that he had been fine. A couple of weeks later he told his mum that our nanny hadn’t fed him much all day (personally I didn’t believe this as our nanny is a great cook). I spoke to her anyway and explained what had been said and she explained that the boy had been dropped off at 9:30 and told her he hadn’t been given any breakfast at home. That day he had 3 meals, plus a snack at my house so had been fed plenty. My nanny did explain that the boy constantly asks for food every 30 mins even after he’s had a large meal.

Yesterday he went home upset because our nanny asked him to stop playing rap songs on the Alexa (apparently he kept on asking to play Eminem which is obviously inappropriate). She explained to him that we don’t listen to songs like that in our house BUT did not tell him that he couldn’t listen to it at home! According to his mother he was extremely upset afterwards. I think it’s probably best if we part ways and no longer have the boy over as it’s putting stress on not only me, but my nanny as well. This was suppose to be a fun arrangement for the boys to spend some time together but has now turned into a complete nightmare because his mother complains every week. I also don't appreciate the accusations being hurled at my nanny as she really is apart of the family. I would rather not fall out with her but I’m not sure how she’ll take it when I tell her he can’t come anymore. AIBU?

I would go down the route of 'x doesn't seem to be enjoying himself so best we stop the Wednesday arrangement.'. I'd then perhaps suggest a morning or afternoon out at a neutral location at some point throughout the holidays IF you think that's in the interest of your DC.

I do think that children are behaving in ways that aren’t great and out of character for them and their upbringing. I think a combination of anxiety and being over indulged!

"he doesn't seem to enjoy it as much as we thought he would so let's just knock it on the head. See you in September"

This is a great response.
The arrangement isn't working. End of.

@BurtsBeesKnees not sure if I agree with that statement, sorry. I don't know, do people really go around saying that they don't like each other?. If that was me I probably would have said "he had a great time thanks but I'll probably keep him home next week to spend some time with family". Job done, no one would have been offended. We do agree on the fact it was strange that she kept sending him even though she/he clearly doesn't like my nanny!

Sounds like it's not working so yo need to stop it. Cant believe she'd drop him off at gone 9 without having even fed him!

Op I guess it all depends on the person. For me, if my child had gone on a play date and come home saying they didn't like the nanny, I'd try and find out why. If nothing was forthcoming from my dc I would probably mention it, just so the other person is aware, in case something untoward is going on. But I do agree that I'd not send my child again, certainly not a further two times

@BurtsBeesKnees

OP why wouldn't she pass the message into you? It's not being rude about you or the nanny. It's being factual. If she's been personal and called her names then that would be rude.

What message? That her precious snowflake doesn’t like OP’s nanny? What is OP supposed to do about it? Fire her and get one he does like? Bonkers.

I see you’ve answered my question and admitted it would be wise not to continue sending your dc two more times after the fact.

She sent him over at 9.30 and hadn't given a 7 year old breakfast?

She is extremely rude, disrespectful of your nanny and is a CF.

Free childcare at the cost to the au pair, not the OP, and the parent can't even be bother to feed her child beforehand.

No doubt she said something like the au pair can do it...

No wonder so many children appear dragged up rather than reared with parents so disrespectful of young women like this au pair.

OP, YOU owe your au pair a sincere apology for imposing on her like this.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I may be odd here but I would find it odd to invite your childs friend over for the playdate to be supervised by the nanny, rather than parents.

Couldn’t agree more. OP if you’re going to have another child over you should be the one parenting, not expecting your paid childcare to look after and make extra food for someone else’s kid. It’s the nanny I feel sorry for.

@billy1966 yes I agree, I do owe her a huge apology and I might pick up some flowers and chocolate on my way home tonight to apologise. We gave her a large bonus last month to thank her for working through covid so I hope she knows how much we really do appreciate her. I would never purposely try to stress her out.

@Idontlikewednesdays I believe play dates are apart of the nanny role as many nannies on here have kindly pointed. I didn't think I was being cheeky.

She doesn't give a damn that her DS doesn't enjoy coming over as she's getting a bit peace. Sounds like she's jealous that you have a nanny too which is why she'll be less than complimentary about her.
She's simply using you.
I wouldn't worry about upsetting her because as soon as it's no longer convenient for her DS to come to your house anymore on a Wednesday and she's getting nothing from you she'll taper off the 'friendship'.
Very unlikely she'll make an effort to meet up and actually do something together. She'll be resentfully mourning her peaceful Wednesdays.
She's a CF.

She sent him over at 9.30 and hadn't given a 7 year old breakfast?

Given that he constantly requested food from the nanny even after being fed, he might have had breakfast and was pushing his luck.

Of course the arrangement has to stop and I wouldn't be keen to be close friends with the mother either.

"... I don't expect sweeping gratitude from my children's friends but I do expect basic manners and respect."

This. So many thousands of times, this!

I think that as your friend informed you that her precious son "doesn't like your nanny", it's pretty clear where he gets his entitled behaviour from. What was she expecting you to do? Sack your nanny because a child whom she wasn't employed to care for, doesn't like her?! And you were right in not passing that complaint onto your nanny - I wouldn't have either. Because basic manners dictate that we're better off not knowing such childish complaints, frankly.

One of my son's friends is actually banned from my house, because when he was 7, during a playdate, he behaved like a little dictator. He didn't like where our dining table was, for instance, because he couldn't see the TV (which was off, incidentally) whilst he ate, he wanted ice-cream not fruit for afters, thought it a good idea to kick his feet against my table leg whilst they ate, interrupted a conversation between myself and my (then 16 year old) daughter about her homework, lectured my daughter about how she'd chosen all the wrong 'A'-level subjects, she should do X, Y, Z instead, threw all my son's toys around in his bedroom (which took over an hour to clear up) because I wouldn't let them veg out on the sofa and watch crappy after-school television, and finally, for good measure, pulled the dog's ears so hard that he yelped.

When I marched him home (literally over the road from us), after the ear pulling (he was very lucky our old dog was too surprised, I think, to bite him), and told his mother what he'd done/how he'd behaved... her excuse was literally "oh, well, [Bob] does like to have his own way in things, you know...". That was great, I said, in his own house - but not in mine. In my home, I expect basic manners and common courtesy - and what I serve after a main meal is dependent upon what I decide, not what my then-7 year old son demanded. Less so, her precious little "Bob" (obviously not his real name).

The boys are now 16 and still friends. "Bob" was offended that I refused to allow him to step foot over my threshold for a while, I think (even now, he knows to stand in the porch whilst my son gets his shoes on, if they're going to the park with other friends), but tough. I was offended by his rudeness and his mother's attitude of allowing him to be thus (I would have been mortified had it been the other way round, and my son would have been told off, not cuddled by a doting Mama!).

Think of how your nanny must feel and have felt regarding this boy's behaviour. I'm willing to bet there's been more rudeness/bad behaviour that you don't actually know about. She may be unwilling to tell you, given that she must know the other mother is your friend, too.

If the boys are genuinely friends, then no longer having this other boy inside your home on a Wednesday isn't going to stop them from so being, is it?

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I may be odd here but I would find it odd to invite your childs friend over for the playdate to be supervised by the nanny, rather than parents.

When I worked as a nanny it was part of my job to host play dates, it was in my job description.

Can’t see anything wrong with the nanny hosting the playdate, like any other adult in the household. In any case the child is doing most of the hosting. The nanny is there as the responsible adult nominated by the parents, and it is nobody’s business that she is ‘paid childcare’. If the boy and his mother are playing up for that reason then they are horrific snobs. Glad to hear you are ending those playdates, OP.

Easy. Just tell the other mother that since her son doesn't enjoy coming over, that you won't invite him again.

Tbh, I'm at a loss as to what the mother thought your response would be to her comment! Did she expect you to discipline your nanny?! If her son doesn't like your nanny, then she just stops sending him over surely?

I have nothing to add other than my interest in some people confusing an aupair with a nanny as if they are somehow interchangeable when they're not.

Hope the text goes well. The son doesn’t sound very nice.

Bernadette got it in one!

The boys are now 16 and still friends. "Bob" was offended that I refused to allow him to step foot over my threshold for a while, I think (even now, he knows to stand in the porch whilst my son gets his shoes on, if they're going to the park with other friends), but tough. I was offended by his rudeness and his mother's attitude of allowing him to be thus

@contrary13 whilst I totally applaud you for marching him home at 7, I think you can let him again - it's been 9 years

Good plan with the flowers and chocolates OP👍.
You never lose out by showing appreciation to someone, particularly someone who is responsible for your children.

I think the boy didn't lick his appalling behaviour off a stone....he's carved out of his mother.

The rudeness to say her son didn't like the au pair...what a pity OP didn't reply "likewise".

...I am also increasingly bemused by the number of posters who think "nanny" and "au pair" are synonyms.

And yes, it's pretty normal for a nanny to host playdates and often even in the contract.

Some people can indeed be patronising and snobby with a nanny and treat them as "staff" - it's not something I'd tolerate in my home and I wouldn't have back a child who behaved that way.

I wouldn’t let bob back in. Cruelty to an animal can never be forgotten.

The child probably had been fed breakfast - he just told the nanny he hadn't, as he told his mother he hadn't been fed much by the nanny.

I was going to say that, especially as he was always wanting more food, even after eating.

It's not an au pair, it's a nanny, they're different jobs.

OP, I'm glad to hear you're stopping the arrangement, and I wouldn't change my mind, no matter what his mother says. I also can't see the point of telling you he didn't like the nanny, unless it was to explain why I wouldn't be sending my son round any more. However, I'd have put it more diplomatically, something like "He didn't really gel with the nanny, so instead of him coming to yours, we'll arrange for your son to come round for a playdate at ours.".

I suspect she lets her son do/have what he wants, for a quiet life, and I don't think she's going to be happy about losing her childfree Wednesdays, so I would expect her to try to persuade you to keep having him.