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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To ask people to show a little more understanding to those not wearing masks

999 replies

Fuckinellitsme · 15/07/2020 09:20

Apologies for another mask thread.

First of all, I'm not an 'anti masker', I absolutely see the need and the importance of wearing them. I'm unable to wear one myself - I have trigeminal neuralgia and when I've tried to wear one, the resulting attack has left me bedbound for days. I want to wear one, but I can't. I also have rheumatoid arthritis so I'm incredibly grateful to all the people who do wear masks, therefore protecting others and especially those in higher risk groups (though not vulnerable enough to be shielding) like me.

However. I've seen some truly awful comments on here in the last few days directed at those who don't wear masks. We should be treated like lepers if we enter a shop without one, for example, or should be banned from them outright. And we ought to stay at home if we are exempt, not use public transport or go shopping or go to work. We have 'made up' health issues and disabilities and are 'woe is me' 'snowflakes'. I've also encountered bus passengers passing comment and tutting about my lack of mask.

Those of us who can't wear a mask (and are acting within the law/guidelines, being exempt) still need to go about our business. It would be lovely if we could do so without fear of comment or judgement. I understand that there will be those who don't wear a mask because they just don't want to - however, please, if you see someone without a mask (particularly if they're wearing a sunflower/exempt lanyard) try to be understanding and give them the benefit of the doubt.

The nastiness and ableist comments on here (and elsewhere) in the past few days have been genuinely upsetting for those of us unable to wear masks. Please don't assume we're all stupid/selfish/conspiracy theorists/don't care about your health, or that it's a choice. For many, choice doesn't come into it.

A bit of empathy goes a long way, especially in these weird times.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Ylvamoon · 16/07/2020 10:31

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras- don't bother, people on this thread have lost the plot. Everything gets twisted to serve their own opinions. Nothing else counts.

DappledThings · 16/07/2020 10:32

She said multiple times that we have the same illness

No, she said you have similar illnesses. Not the same. And where she mistakenly said you both have RA she has acknowledged this was an error and apologised repeatedly. Far more than she needs to to someone so aggressive in their responses.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/07/2020 10:34

@Fuckinellitsme

I have never said we're on the same immunosuppressants, *@Hearhoovesthinkzebras*. How could I have when I don't know which ones you're taking?
So then how can you empathise with the side effects?

You really can't if you don't know what the drugs are, can you?

Same as the drug I take for nerve damage. How can you empathise with the side effects when you don't know what they are?

Even two.people on the same drug won't have exactly the same effects.

Do you know what it's like to have multiple joints dislocate daily? Do you know what it's like to have to call your husband to put your shoulder back in place because you can't do it yourself? Or be out walking and dislocate your knee and hope you can put it back in?

Do you know how it is living with a bowel condition that means you'll have uncontrollable diarrhoea multiple times a day, without warning, that means you can't leave the toilet for hours on end, even if you are at work, or out shopping? Or to not be able to eat normal food because your gut can't absorb it?

Believe me, the arthritis in my joints is the least of my problems.

Fuckinellitsme · 16/07/2020 10:35

@CaffiSaliMali

I thought Hearhooves and Fuckinell (OP) both had Ehlers-Danlos and that was what OP was referring to.

I also have Ehlers Danlos syndrome so am in the bendy club.

There are many types of inflammatory arthritis and they are all autoimmune diseases to the best of my knowledge and many have similar symptoms and similar drugs to treat.

I have suspected psoriatic arthritis which I would consider to be very similar to rheumatoid arthritis for example. Obviously some are less similar than others but I think the OP mistakenly thought Hooves had RA too, or something like PsA which would have similar symptoms to RA.

I don't have ED but I do have hypermobility syndrome which is a complication of my RA. I've broken bones before when my joints have failed me - on one memorable occasion I broke my foot in three places falling off my flipflop!

Possibly there has been some confusion regarding who has what on this thread - it's very long and there are a lot of posts and it's easy to lose track. I apologise absolutely to anyone who I've misunderstood. The fact remains that lots of us are suffering in different ways from conditions which appear to have some overlap in symptoms and treatment. Massive sympathies to all who are, living with any chronic is awful.

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/07/2020 10:36

@DappledThings

She said multiple times that we have the same illness

No, she said you have similar illnesses. Not the same. And where she mistakenly said you both have RA she has acknowledged this was an error and apologised repeatedly. Far more than she needs to to someone so aggressive in their responses.

Finally she changed it to "we have similar conditions" but before that she said several times that we have the same illness and then, after I corrected her, she said we both have RA.

So, I'm sorry, but she did keep mis labelling my illness and repeating that she knew what I had.

Drivingdownthe101 · 16/07/2020 10:38

The OP has shown empathy for your situation hooves. You have shown absolutely none for hers. How could you possibly empathise with someone, as that would distract from your ‘me me me’ narrative.
I’m sorry you are both suffering in your different ways.

Lweji · 16/07/2020 10:38

Give up, OP. You'll never understand anyone's conditions, but your own, and even so.
Don't try to build bridges at all.
You're team "I can't wear a mask" and others are team "I can only be anywhere around people who wear masks". There's no middle ground. You can't possibly have anything in common. You'll never be able to co-exist. Sit nicely on your corners and stay at home at all times.

Fuckinellitsme · 16/07/2020 10:38

I said we have some similarities and that I understand how awful living with chronic conditions and the side effects from the drugs used to treat them are. I didn't specify side effects - just that I empathise with how debilitating they can be.

OP posts:
MaxNormal · 16/07/2020 10:39

How can you empathise with the side effects when you don't know what they are?

At least OP is doing her best to empathise with you.
This is clearly an alien concept to you, though. As I have never yet, once, seen you show empathy to any other human being.

Fuckinellitsme · 16/07/2020 10:41

I'm not sure why my quote button isn't working! My last post was for @Hearhoovesthinkzebras

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/07/2020 10:43

The quote button doesn't work for posts that already have a quote.

Use " " or * * and copy paste the relevant text.

Stefoscope · 16/07/2020 10:47

Does it really matter why some people won't be wearing masks? Of course they'll be a minority of people who could wear masks but won't. These people are not going to care however much you call them selfish, etc and it's not going to force them to wear one, so what's the point in getting so wound up over it?

The fear of interegations and nastiness on leaving the house are just going to make life harder for those who are already vulnerable. Thankfully my experience of 'real life' during the pandemic has been nothing like the views expressed on Mumsnet and social media. I'm hoping this will be the case for OP and other people who are worried about being judged negatively.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/07/2020 10:48

@Fuckinellitsme

I said we have some similarities and that I understand how awful living with chronic conditions and the side effects from the drugs used to treat them are. I didn't specify side effects - just that I empathise with how debilitating they can be.
Yes, eventually you said we have some similarities but before that you kept insisting that we have the same condition because we both have rheumatoid arthritis.

You're doing it again now by keep saying you only said we had similar conditions - you didn't.

As for side effects - how can you understand about them when you don't know the drugs not what side effects I have? You simply can't know. It's like when someone tells you what's happened to them and the person they tell says "I know how you feel", no one knows how someone else feels, even if they've had an identical experience.

You know about the side effects that you have, how they affect you. You know how the illness that you have affects you. You really don't know about how the side effects affect me, or how my illness affects me. Just as I don't know how you are affected.

claireb707 · 16/07/2020 10:48

@CaffiSaliMali

I thought Hearhooves and Fuckinell (OP) both had Ehlers-Danlos and that was what OP was referring to.

I also have Ehlers Danlos syndrome so am in the bendy club.

There are many types of inflammatory arthritis and they are all autoimmune diseases to the best of my knowledge and many have similar symptoms and similar drugs to treat.

I have suspected psoriatic arthritis which I would consider to be very similar to rheumatoid arthritis for example. Obviously some are less similar than others but I think the OP mistakenly thought Hooves had RA too, or something like PsA which would have similar symptoms to RA.

Another bendy eds person here. And also though that both hooves and op had it too

Although it is quite mild for me in comparison, I do still suffer but haven't been told I needed to shield.

Unfortunately I'm another that thinks the op has been entirely sympathetic to hooves and hooves hasn't shown the same back. It is not condition bingo, one persons disability does not trump someone else's. Most supermarkets have out screens up for the staff incase customers don't wear masks, I'm surprised yours hasnt

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/07/2020 10:52

claireb707

I do have EDS but that isn't what the op was referring to.

I.also.have Crohn's disease and enteropathic arthritis which is what op was insisting is rheumatoid arthritis.

I take immunosuppressants to treat the Crohn's disease and another one to treat the enteropathic arthritis.

A combination of the immunosuppressants plus the heart failure I sustained last year and low oxygen saturation is why I'm shielded. It's not got anything to do with EDS.

Drivingdownthe101 · 16/07/2020 10:53

You know about the side effects that you have, how they affect you. You know how the illness that you have affects you. You really don't know about how the side effects affect me, or how my illness affects me. Just as I don't know how you are affected

And still... absolutely zero empathy for the OP.

KarenMcKaren · 16/07/2020 10:58

You really don't know about how the side effects affect me, or how my illness affects me.

Me me me me me. You expect everyone to be considerate of your difficulties but you do not give a shiny about anyone elses. Give it up. Youre starting to sound somewhat deranged now.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/07/2020 10:59

@Drivingdownthe101

You know about the side effects that you have, how they affect you. You know how the illness that you have affects you. You really don't know about how the side effects affect me, or how my illness affects me. Just as I don't know how you are affected

And still... absolutely zero empathy for the OP.

Why is that zero empathy? It's a factual statement.

I don't know how the op is affected. She doesn't know how I am affected.

I know that when I am out and about I will do everything possible to not be a risk to anyone elses health. My choices, my illnesses have zero impact on anyone else.

claireb707 · 16/07/2020 10:59

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

claireb707

I do have EDS but that isn't what the op was referring to.

I.also.have Crohn's disease and enteropathic arthritis which is what op was insisting is rheumatoid arthritis.

I take immunosuppressants to treat the Crohn's disease and another one to treat the enteropathic arthritis.

A combination of the immunosuppressants plus the heart failure I sustained last year and low oxygen saturation is why I'm shielded. It's not got anything to do with EDS.

It wasn't just me that thought you both had it....

Again you appear to be making it all about you...

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/07/2020 11:01

claireb707

I'm answering posts addressed to me. Am I meant to ignore them then? People are tagging me in posts, asking me things or attacking me. I'm allowed to respond.

DappledThings · 16/07/2020 11:02

Yes, eventually you said we have some similarities but before that you kept insisting that we have the same condition because we both have rheumatoid arthritis

I've just scrolled through all OP's posts. She twice said you have RA. As soon as she was corrected she apologised and in a further 5 posts has tried to empathise with you, to politely discuss similarities between your conditions as a way to find common ground and been unfailingly polite and kind to you.

Fuckinellitsme You have some serious reserves of patience. Kudos to you.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/07/2020 11:02

@KarenMcKaren

You really don't know about how the side effects affect me, or how my illness affects me.

Me me me me me. You expect everyone to be considerate of your difficulties but you do not give a shiny about anyone elses. Give it up. Youre starting to sound somewhat deranged now.

I feel it.

No one is being considerate of my difficulties. I ask for no help or consideration from anyone, other than my husband.

My illnesses have zero impact on anyone else.

claireb707 · 16/07/2020 11:03

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

claireb707

I'm answering posts addressed to me. Am I meant to ignore them then? People are tagging me in posts, asking me things or attacking me. I'm allowed to respond.

No but I quoted someone else who was saying the same thing, you seemed to isolate just on me...
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/07/2020 11:05

I've just scrolled through all OP's posts. She twice said you have RA. As soon as she was corrected she apologised

That isn't true.

She said we had the same condition.

I corrected her and said no we don't.

She then said we do, we both have rheumatoid arthritis - twice.

So no. She didn't apologise as soon as I corrected her. She doubled down and eventually apologised after I corrected her multiple times.

Criticise me and attack me all you want but don't misrepresent what actually happened.

DappledThings · 16/07/2020 11:06

Criticise me and attack me all you want but don't misrepresent what actually happened.

Yeah, you might want to reflect on those words.

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