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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you track your teenager?

265 replies

Coffeesndteav · 14/07/2020 20:47

I have had my dd on the friend finder app. We live about a mile away from her school so being in the park with friends etc it eases my mind.She is 13 next week.

We have had a temper tantrum tonight saying none of her friends parents do this. I am a stalker. We don't trust her. We care too much

Her attitude is very bad at the moment. Wow teens are hard work.

AIBU to track her on the app?

OP posts:
Jumbojem · 14/07/2020 21:17

My son is more or less the same age and has a tracker. OH and I have it on our phones too. Mainly we had it as we leave for work before he leaves for school, and he's home before us in the eve. It alerts OH when he's got to school/home, just so we know he's made it without him needing to message us. I can track him when he's out and about but GPS signal isn't always great so it sometimes very random about location. I don't give him rules about messaging when he's out but just check if I'm curious. I find it useful to check if OH is nearly home (long driving commute so he can't message me) but otherwise I never check his whereabouts. Most of us forget it's there most of the time.

balzamico · 14/07/2020 21:17

There's a thread on Aibu called "parents who stalk their teenage children". I can't link it sorry (I'm on the app, don't know how).
Many people do, and although I think it's wrong to do it constantly it does offer some reassurance.
I would ask how she knows you've tracked her, she can't tell from her phone and also I'd be inclined to remind her who pays for and provides the phone and why. I tell my dd that we pay for the phone so we can contact her, and know that she is safe and if necessary where she says she is. I rarely check as my dd is v trustworthy but I reserve the right to do so and don't understand what objection she could have

flygirl767 · 14/07/2020 21:18

Yes I do with my 13 year old's consent. I pay for the phone and having tracking on it was part of the deal for me. I don't check up on him as a rule but he does go into town with his friends. He got on the wrong bus home once and I could see where he was (he had no clue) so I could help him.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 14/07/2020 21:19

No. I think it's utterly unreasonable. I'd have been raging if my parents had done that to me at 13 (obviously there wasn't the technology).

It's like reading their diary. Or going through their texts. I have a colleague who does this to his wife (she is aware) and I am really, really uncomfortable with it. I think it's a massive invasion of privacy.

labyrinthloafer · 14/07/2020 21:20

No, and didn't really know it was a thing. I feel like I would like to know, but it isn't very healthy?

Wolfsony · 14/07/2020 21:20

I'd worry she has a reason to not want you to track her. We can all see each other on the find my iPhone app. None of the kids have ever minded nor do I mind them seeing me. The only time we use it is to judge when someone will be home or if you can't find them. DSS once got lost in London and found me because he happened to be near my office. Imagine my surprise when the receptionist brought him to me! He had been been with his mother and gotten lost. He tried calling her but couldn't get through (I think she'd gone into the underground tunnel to look for him). So he popped open the app and found my blue dot.

Nicknacky · 14/07/2020 21:21

NotShiny So why is it awful I don’t care where my mum and husband are?

NotShiny · 14/07/2020 21:22

It's also very handy as it sends an alert when they are 5 mins away, on their way home.

KatySun · 14/07/2020 21:22

No, don’t do this. DD tells me where she is going - if it is somewhere further away or different to normal, I ask her to check in by text when she is there and when she is leaving to come home.

NotShiny · 14/07/2020 21:22

Nicknacky apologies I thought you were talking about your child.

Nicknacky · 14/07/2020 21:23

NotShiny Why do you need to know when they are five mins away😂?

Nicknacky · 14/07/2020 21:24

NotShiny Easy mistake to make in the extensive paragraph of two lines I had written.

TooTrueToBeGood · 14/07/2020 21:24

Yes I do with my 13 year old's consent. I pay for the phone and having tracking on it was part of the deal for me.

Hobson's choice does not really count as consent, certainly not enthusiastic consent.

NotShiny · 14/07/2020 21:25

How is it a massive invasion of privacy you arent seeing their intimate thoughts like if you read their diary, you are just seeing where they are on a map.

SerenityNowwwww · 14/07/2020 21:25

God yes. He tracks me too and sometimes calls to ask how things are in the supermarket.

Chimchar · 14/07/2020 21:26

This just doesn't sit right with me. You have to build trust with your kids.

They need to learn to make decisions based on it being the right thing to do, not through fear of getting caught out.

I would remove the app as long as she doesn't give you reason not to trust her.

Summermummer · 14/07/2020 21:27

@NotShiny

How is it a massive invasion of privacy you arent seeing their intimate thoughts like if you read their diary, you are just seeing where they are on a map.
Again, how would YOU feel if your mum tracked where you were at all times at that age? Totally agree with @Nicknacky - it’s controlling.
NotShiny · 14/07/2020 21:27

Nicknacky...just to get their tea on or something and if I'm worried they are late, it puts me at ease to know they are on their way. When it beeps I just think "ahh they are on their way".

BobFleming · 14/07/2020 21:28

We all have it on our phones for all of us.

Nicknacky · 14/07/2020 21:28

When my 13 year old goes out we agree times, who she is with etc. I really don’t need to know exactly where she is when she is out as she has given me no reason to trust her.

People can dress it up but they either don’t trust their kids or have some kind of anxiety.

SarahBellam · 14/07/2020 21:30

Yes, we all have each other on Find My Friends. I don’t check up on them unless they’re late, or it’s handy if I’m expecting DP over to work out when he might be arriving.

Yankathebear · 14/07/2020 21:30

I have three teens. Never felt the need to track them.
I trust them. Even if that means trusting them to fuck up occassionally.

NotShiny · 14/07/2020 21:31

"Again, how would YOU feel if your mum tracked where you were at all times at that age? Totally agree with@Nicknacky- it’s controlling."
But I am equally tracked...all my family can see where I am on the map. I wouldnt have minded my mum being able to check I was safe to be honest. I'm not sat staring at the screen checking on my kids, I just occasionally check if they are late or something. The other day I went to watch my son doing a sport he likes and he wasnt there, so semi panic set in...with a quick second check I could see he was at home. It's just really handy.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 14/07/2020 21:31

I have all my DCs on my finder, even the 17 year old. I only check it if they are where they're supposed to be when they're supposed to be. Equally they can check to see if I'm on my way to pick them up etc if I'm running a bit late. We all agree to it and nobody has an issue with it

itisntfriday0000000000l · 14/07/2020 21:31

A lot of parents do this, they just don’t admit they do.

We pay eldest (17) phone bill and have access , if needed, to find my iPhone app. We can therefore see where his phone is if needed.

It comes in handy when it’s daft o’clock in the am and he’s still not home from a party or a friends house. We can see he is safe.

He doesn’t know this, I know ALOT of parents that do the same.

We have never been interested in his every move, it’s just making sure he is safe.

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