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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do you track your teenager?

265 replies

Coffeesndteav · 14/07/2020 20:47

I have had my dd on the friend finder app. We live about a mile away from her school so being in the park with friends etc it eases my mind.She is 13 next week.

We have had a temper tantrum tonight saying none of her friends parents do this. I am a stalker. We don't trust her. We care too much

Her attitude is very bad at the moment. Wow teens are hard work.

AIBU to track her on the app?

OP posts:
Tappering · 15/07/2020 14:58

Between this and the latest pocket money/debit card app that lets you control where your DC spend money and also, crucially, shows you when and where and how much they are spending, it's a wonder that teens have any privacy at all.

I wonder when those on this thread who happily track their teens now as a condition of having their phone, plan to stop? At some point, do you think your child has a right to privacy?

Original poster
Coffeesndteav · 15/07/2020 15:46

I actually do think the calculator made me lazy with mental maths. I have a science degree but panic at adding up.

OP posts:
yeOldeTrout · 15/07/2020 18:35

My house must be too nice & comfortable coz my teens don't go out that much.

Daffy2020 · 15/07/2020 18:39

I think this is very odd behaviour...you have to have some level of trust unless they give you reason not to

Andi2020 · 15/07/2020 19:03

I use it because dd1 definitely can not trust her
She actually asked today are you still going to track me when I'm 18 I said its for safety and gave her an example that she was out at 1 am at a party on Saturday night what if something happened you , at least I could trace to where you last where on app.
I let her take it off at 16 but lies started again.
There is dangerous areas In our town that she is to stay away from or I would go collect her.
She argued one time the location was wrong me and DH went for a walk to check and yes she lied location was correct and she said she was babysitting when she was in a park with teenagers drinking Blush she was embarrassed but she didn't actually learn from it. Smile

Nicknacky · 15/07/2020 19:34

Andi2020 So when will you stop tracking her? Why can’t so go to a party?

Tappering · 15/07/2020 19:40

@Andi2020 and what are you going to do when she leaves home?

One of my siblings has older teenagers who are at uni. Apparently it's really common to have a second phone - and the one paid for by the parents with the tracking enabled stays in their room.

Everyone has a right to privacy.

Twobigsapphires · 15/07/2020 19:42

Yes I do. Ds is 18 and dd is 15. But it’s more for things such as when I want to find out how far away they are from home if I’m waiting for them / needing them home for something, checking if they are home when I’m out if I want them to do something like take the dog out, put the chicken in etc.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 15/07/2020 19:53

@Andi2020

I use it because dd1 definitely can not trust her She actually asked today are you still going to track me when I'm 18 I said its for safety and gave her an example that she was out at 1 am at a party on Saturday night what if something happened you , at least I could trace to where you last where on app. I let her take it off at 16 but lies started again. There is dangerous areas In our town that she is to stay away from or I would go collect her. She argued one time the location was wrong me and DH went for a walk to check and yes she lied location was correct and she said she was babysitting when she was in a park with teenagers drinking Blush she was embarrassed but she didn't actually learn from it. Smile
What if - through birth / parental choices - her perfectly lovely friends live in the area you deem dangerous?

Why can’t a 16 year old go to a party till 1am?

I get lying is Not Acceptable but have you ever considered your boundaries (above) might lead to it? Surely there’s a compromise to be had?

I was allowed a huge amount of freedom - out all weekend from the age of 15/16 but the deal was:

  • We have your friends parents names and phone numbers.

  • You come home when you say you will.

  • You do your exam work / get the grades.

Don’t be a dick when it comes to drugs. We know* you’re going to see / be around dope and probably E. We can’t tell you to not do them (we ain’t daft) but stay with your friends and always know you - or they - can call us at any any time and we will deal with the situation without losing our shit. But try and Just Say No.

As a result, I only really smoked a few spliffs, never lied, got 4 A levels in the days when 3 was the norm, looked after me mate, got carried back to friends a few times but they knew they could let my folks know I was ok, had friends round to my parents for parties (so everyone knew everyone) and generally didn’t Fuck It Up.

No tracker required.

Andi2020 · 15/07/2020 19:55

@Nicknacky I re read my post and didn't say she couldn't go to the party.
I just said I keep tracker as there is dangerous parts off town she not allow go.
Where there is drugs and fighting.
If she doesn't want to be tracked there must be a reason if you are doing nothing wrong there should be no issue of knowing where your family are.

Tappering · 15/07/2020 19:57

If she doesn't want to be tracked there must be a reason if you are doing nothing wrong there should be no issue of knowing where your family are.

Ok, following that logic I presume you tell your family absolutely everything you do and everywhere you go, because there should be no issue with them knowing what you do 24/7?

Do you plan to ever give her any privacy? 21? 25? If she has a child of her own? What are you going to do when she pays for her own phone contract and doesn't live at home anymore?

Nicknacky · 15/07/2020 19:57

Andi2020 How does you tracking an adult stop a fight? And how can you decide where she is “allowed” to go at 18?

I will never allow myself to be tracked. It has nothing to do with doing anything wrong.

lyralalala · 15/07/2020 20:43

@Andi2020

I use it because dd1 definitely can not trust her She actually asked today are you still going to track me when I'm 18 I said its for safety and gave her an example that she was out at 1 am at a party on Saturday night what if something happened you , at least I could trace to where you last where on app. I let her take it off at 16 but lies started again. There is dangerous areas In our town that she is to stay away from or I would go collect her. She argued one time the location was wrong me and DH went for a walk to check and yes she lied location was correct and she said she was babysitting when she was in a park with teenagers drinking Blush she was embarrassed but she didn't actually learn from it. Smile
That suggests you still intend to track her at 18

When will you stop?

Same with if you see her in a set area you'll go and get her - what age will you stop that?

Does it not worry you that she's not actually learning to judge situations, just judge if you'd be ok with it or not?

HoldMyLobster · 15/07/2020 20:45

Oh dear - DH regularly works in the south side of Chicago, and DD is at university there.

Tracking either of them would only make me worry more.

SummerCherry · 15/07/2020 20:45

@Tappering

Between this and the latest pocket money/debit card app that lets you control where your DC spend money and also, crucially, shows you when and where and how much they are spending, it's a wonder that teens have any privacy at all.

I wonder when those on this thread who happily track their teens now as a condition of having their phone, plan to stop? At some point, do you think your child has a right to privacy?

Yes I stopped tracking at age 16, or was it 15, not sure I remember! My DS came to me and asked me to turn it off - so I did.

I told him that I would keep my tracker so he could look up where I was whenever he wanted. I don’t think he has any interest not surprisingly!

We had a good few chats about privacy and control. It’s funny he is very ‘aware’ about trackers - but a GF he briefly had, texted him constantly, became very angry and accusative if he didn’t get back straight away, and did things like phone him if he’d gone to a party and make him walk to hers straight away or she’d end the relationship. He had no idea that these were all pretty red flags for an over intense relationship where she wanted to keep tabs on him at all times. I know they are young but culturally I think we are asking them to pay attention to obvious violence, or trackers - but often controlling people do not do this at first - they are overly intense and it is a pattern of behaviour. Teenagers think it is normal to text 100 times a day - but over time this can become a real red flag for control.

I think it is a very good idea to talk to our kids about red flags for control, and bring up why there is a difference between intention, the use of any trackers or social media’s - and that most couples do not track each other.

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