To think my sister needs to get a grip and grow the fuck up?

[BigtimeLittlesis]

NC because this is definitely outing:

She's 36 and my only sibling.

For as far back as I can remember, she was the Golden Child in our family: sweet, pretty, popular, straight As at school, responsible kid, good school followed by good uni ...

... and then, she sort of developed late-onset puberty and hasn't really snapped out of it since.

Changed subjects / universities several times before graduating. Eventually qualified as a teacher. Got a job, hated it, resigned. Worked as a short-term supply on and off again for a while.

Then found her dream job working for a charity abroad. Did it for some years, was super happy because "people are just so much [insert any number of positives here] around here".

Mandate ended, came back, started teaching again, more of the same.

Ran off to developing country again.

So far so "maybe not a top performer at adulting, but so what?"

But, in the meantime, our parents got older. Mum suffered a hypertensive crisis and spent a week in ICU. Dad lost his job and struggled to find work again at age 60.

Sister would call me from her "escape from reality" paradise and demand I look after them. Which I do, to the best of my abilities. Sister berated me for not going to see mum often enough as she was recovering. Easy for her to say, being a long-haul flight away!

Here's where things come to a head:

Sister took off again in February. Yes, February. Now, granted, things developed fast around that time - but it's hardly as though the looming global crisis wasn't obvious. The situation developed and things got bad. Sister refused to return home. Mum and dad started to worry. Then I started to worry - not so much about her health but about the possibility of an economic crash with her being stuck in a developing country with no access to money that didn't depend entirely upon local cash machines continuing to work.

I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind. She's been silently judging me for "making her do this" ever since.

Now dad's brother has died. Now, I had pretty much no relationship with this man. But when dad asked would I come to the funeral I naturally said yes - not for my uncle but for my father. We've had a difficult relationship at times - but I feel terrible for dad losing his second sibling aged only 61.

Sister is, again, refusing to turn up and blatantly lying, saying she has "work obligations". She doesn't. Schools local to her are on summer break. Then she says she doesn't know the guy. True. But she knows our dad. Then she says dad was not always there for us either and she hates "family shit". Again, true as far as our less than stellar father is concerned - but also: do you really need to play at puberty at this precise moment? Kick people when they're down already?

I've had my fair share of rows with our father - and I was the black sheep child, the one who got all the criticism, not her. But it's just not the moment!

Long story short: I feel that I'm being forced into the role of the dependable, supportive, sensible daughter here because my sister somehow decided to enter puberty at age 21 and to keep it up for a decade and a half. They're her parents, too! She's missed mum's 60th, dad's 60th, mum almost dying, dad losing his job and needing to be financially rescued by me in order to keep the roof over his head, our grandfather dying and now our uncle dying ... and then she dares to berate me for not being there often enough???

WIBU to tell her she's being selfish and pubescent and needs to grow the fuck up - and that I'm not "default daughter" here just because I managed to get over adolescence some time in my early to mid twenties?

And, yes, I love her. Dearly so. But I'm also really hurt and feel I'm being taken advantage of.

Growing up as the black sheep child, I still find it incredibly hard not to bend over backwards to earn my parents' love and approval

Stop blaming your sister for the shitty treatment you have had from your parents. Blame them for being shit parents who didn't treat you how you deserved. Be angry at them.

Fair play to your sister for being strong enough to break free of their toxic dynamic.

Sorry, when I said "Your parents haven't made the best job of it and that's their problem now" I meant with regards to how they split the two of you into black and white. I'm not judging your sister's life choices, I imagine she has made them at least partly because of the pressure to maintain the appearance of being the more 'lovable' one. (A false distinction that your parents made to suit themselves, not a reflection on you or your sister. In reality you shouldn't have been treated so differently, it has fucked you both over one way or another.)

Oh dear, I don't think this went the way op expected...I doubt she'll be back!

I think YANBU

BUT for your own sake, you must detach & let go. Very little, if any, of what you have complained about is actually your responsibility. Concentrate on living your own life, stop giving your sister money, stop arranging things for her, and stop judging how she lives her life.
Do what you want to do, especially regarding your parents.
Stop feeling guilty & responsible because you have a good job and earn good money.
I think you should have some therapy to help you work through some of this stuff, otherwise you will be looking after your parents & sister for the next 30 plus years and will become very bitter and unhappy.

When the adults are children there are consequences. It sounds like you have felt the need to be the Uber adult. My parents were/are emotional children and my sister and I were treated very differently. It’s had huge implications and it’s nearly impossible for her and I to have a decent relationship for any length of time without slipping back into the old game.

After your update that puts a different light on things a bit.

For whatever reason you feel obliged to do all these things for your parents, your sister. Visit them, look after them, give money. Why?

Your parents are in their 60s, that's not old. There's two of them, they can look after each other mostly. Of course, be at the end of the phone for a chat, visit them. But all this to-ing and fro-ing on their behalf - no need. They are capable adults and shouldn't be looking to you too solve their problems. You're setting yourself up for a really unpleasant middle age OP if you are already running around after them - you could have 30 years of this! Disengage. You have your own life. Don't think that all this effort will be rewarded with their love and approval. You will empty yourself for nothing.

As for your sister, stop the money. If she's mid 30s and can't pay her bills then that's up to her. This is a very black sheep/golden child scenario isn't it! You being expected to pay for your feckless sister. If she can't pay her bills, then she could move in with your parents and do all the things you've been doing with no thanks or appreciation can't she.

Good luck OP.

On reading the first post, I thought you'd get 100% yanbu, op, and am staggered to see the pile on. You are completely nbu, you've been taken for a mug and put into a position you neither asked for nor wanted. You definitely need to work towards taking a large step back. My bil is a giant adult baby like your sister, expecting bailouts from his parents and never, never taking any responsibility for any of his f-ups.

Tricky one...you are judging her so hard for not having a stable career... so what??

Siblings can be annoying
One gets left with the bulk load, its usually the one who lives closest.....

They are hardly ancient either they are early 60's

I'm falling more on her side... I think I'd move country too if I could

Hmm I didn’t realise you were financially supporting her and your parents who aren’t even retirement age yet. I’m not surprised you feel put upon, and I’d have put the phone down if I’d had the lecture.

I think you need to tell her to fuck off when she tries to guilt trip you about looking after your parents (and maybe actually “Fuck off” not some nicely worded equivalent). The rest is you pushing your idea of what her life should be like on to her.

If she wants to Take risks with her life that’s her choice. You don’t have to pick up the pieces. And she really isn’t obligated at all to support your father the way you do, especially if he wasn’t that great.

I would also suggest you possibly have a bit of an idealized view of what her childhood was like - it clearly didn’t set her up well for uni, however much better than you it felt like she was treated.

Have you ever looked up “saviour complex”? It might resonate. The term can be a bit pejorative but if you look beyond that at how it might be driving your view of your relationships and obligations you might find it helpful and freeing.

She sounds a pain. Have as little to do with her as you possibly can until your anger subsides. Don't engage with her. Manage your own life and make your own decisions.

I think you should politely step back - only take her phone calls if you wish to and don't get involved with any financials. She'll only have to come back to her flat and find all her stuff on the pavement one time before she decides to sort out her own money.

Put your own welfare first - before hers or your parents or anybody else's. You can't provide for others when you're exhausted, so make sure you aren't. Nobody will look after you if you don't, and actually they are all adult people who can do for themselves.

Sounds to me that you are the one used to getting your own way, emotionally blackmailing your sister, insisting on being the carer for your parents (60's are not old, admission to ICU can happen at any age).

I don't even think you are jealous OP, I think you are having a strop because you do all these things for them and then your family have the nerve not to be grateful!

Sorry you are getting an absolute slating OP, but you do seem over-involved with your parent's and your sibling's lives. I'm sure you've done this out of the goodness of your heart, but you've made yourself into a martyr and you seem to want to drag your sister down the same road.

Back off, make plans for your own life and achievements, focus a bit more on what you need and want, I don't mean cut them out completely at all, but make sure you are not cutting out so much stuff you want to do that you become bitter. For example: I don't even see why you are going to a funeral of an uncle you don't know, sure your dad will be upset, but I didn't think of going with my dad in the same situation. After all, I didn't grow up knowing the uncle so he can't have been that close to my dad. Take care of yourself and make sure you do things that satisfy you as well as taking care of others.

OP, you know you have responsibility for your own choice so will do what you ultimately choose to for your parents. To some extent, it looks like you will be an only child when it comes to supporting your parents.

What you've picked up on is that you don't have to happily accept the hypocrisy of your DS choosing to do nothing and then lecturing you about doing more. It will be within yourself to decide where on the spectrum from ignoring her to pushing back you will be the next time she does this. You might get some satisfaction from giving her some home truths but it sounds like you don't expect her to do any more.

To the extent you can, try to enjoy the time you have with your parents though given how you feel about their treatment of you, that might not be easy.

Good luck.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable! Why should you be the sensible one while she gets to do what she wants.

Also, not related at all but you write beautifully.

@BigtimeLittlesis

I just really, really, really resent what I sense is her feeling entitled to being everyone's (including my own) baby and me getting to be told off for failing to look after mum and dad in return.

I suspect what you really resent is that even though she doesnt care for her parents and behave "well", she still gets more attention and care from all the family than you do.

You resent her being babied... and yet you baby her yourself [haha]... think on that op! You resent a problem of your own creation but you will continue to fund her, baby her, etc... you can then focus on being furious with her, rather than with your parents who treat you very unfairly.

Growing up as the black sheep child, I still find it incredibly hard not to bend over backwards to earn my parents' love and approval. yep. That's the real problem. You can't bring yourself to get angry with your parents for being arseholes to you... so you focus on your sister. While simultaneously actively encouraging her to continue to do the thing that makes you angry. This is convenient for you, because as long as you focus on her, you can avoid noticing that your parents are pretty horrible and draining really.

They're in their early 60s and completely normal things are happening to them that you do not have to rescue them from. Yoi can support and love them without indulging your Messiah complex. You can stop supporting your sister. You can get counselling to address how you create these problems that upset you so much. But all that will mean that you will lose the illusion of how you are the "good girl" and I'm not sure you are ready for that. Good luck.

You sound very bitter OP. It's not doing you, or your relationship with your sister, any favours. You say you love her, but what kind of love is this? You say she's behaving like an adolescent but your rant sounds easy more adolescent than her life! So, she's been on a few paths to find what she enjoys -and then found it. That's great. You seem to dislike the fact she describes the positive people in her new life using positive terms. It sounded so mean the easy you wrote that bit like you're jealous that she values others or you're jealous she has positive people in her life who make her feel good.

Really OP. This is not a loving relationship.

You sound horrible, judgmental and demanding.

Your sister, by the sounds of it, had a huge amount of pressure on her to be perfect when she was young. Many people flounder in early 20s and have a shaky start to their chosen career. She's now found something she is passionate about doing abroad. You've blackmailed her home.

I can't see what she's doing wrong. You seem to want her to be miserable but live a conforming life, somewhere local.

I agree with everything that Tornado said - it sounds like you might need some (professional) help with distancing yourself from the role you feel you've been given. It's hard to do that after decades of reinforcement, but a good therapist can work with you to create your own idea of how you want to contribute. But whatever you decide, none of it is your sister's fault.

I work with so many people in developing, war torn countries who have left their own families behind to contribute to people who have nothing. They are brave and selfless and empathetic, they make difficult decisions. Every time I visit, even when we are sometimes seeking different goals, I leave in awe of people like this. They could very well be seen by their families in the way you have described your sister, by relatives who never see the enormous sacrifices they make. Mandates often end, and people stay, waiting and struggling, until they can help again. That’s the nature of NGOs in many countries - and they rely on people like your sister to be there when they get their funding.

Sometimes their parents send them money, even when they don’t need it. It’s more for the parental peace of mind than for them, there are so many flexible ways of getting food/money in these countries in a pinch than in the UK. These people miss birthdays (which tbh I don’t think are as big a deal to everyone as perhaps they are to you), funerals, weddings, hospital bedside vigils. They are, however, facilitating others to one day have the privilege of growing old enough to choose to get married, to have hospitals with beds to hold vigils at, to have resources to host birthday parties, to have a good life to celebrate at a funeral.

It’s hard for the people left at home. It’s hard for the people who don’t see home in years. Forcing either into the world of the other is a recipe for disaster, especially with no option for decompression. There seem to be so many unresolved issues from your childhood making it near impossible not to have conflict. Have you considered talking about these unresolved issues with a professional? You may find it helps you make peace with your sister, rather than making war.

Reading your update, there is obviously a weird family dynamic going on. You are enabling your sister to behave in this way that you dislike. Forget about being angry with her, use your energy instead to rethink your own behaviour here. Why on earth did you offer to pay for her flat?? That is her business and up to her to work out. Why did you rush in and "save" her from being stuck abroad? Again, that situation is for her to work out. You are playing the martyr, saving someone who isn't asking you to save them and getting annoyed that they aren't more appreciative.

The only thing I thought was out of line is that she is criticizing you for not spending more time with your parents. I would give a sharp answer to that one and not engage.

You sound beyond awful. Patronising, judgemental, picking apart every decision she has ever made on here (none of which are any of your business). No wonder she wants to get away.

Taking at face value what you’ve written I’d be a bit pissed myself but you obviously have deep seated inferiority issues that are colouring your view of your sister and probably poisoning the relationship.

I don’t say this lightly but I’d suggest psychotherapy as your repeated references to adolescence and being the black sheep point to exactly where the wheels may have come off the relationships you’ve got in your family and your perceptions therein. That’s a very strong launchpad to try and work out how you can basically go forward with your family on as even a keel as possible without everything being dragged under by your obvious resentment (and jealousy - sorry).

I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind

This is where you lost me.

Looking after your parents is a choice. Maintaining a relationship with your parents is a choice. This applies to both of you.

Emotionally blackmailing her to come home because you can’t handle the anxiety is an awful thing to admit to.