To not want contact?

[SilverStripeyTabby]

So NC for this one and bear with me cos this sounds like the plot of a crap novel....

My mum has three children from a previous marriage - he was a highly respected professional man but massive issues with DV, raped her within their marriage, many, many dreadful things happened to her. She met my dad and they fell in love.
His parents (he was still living at home) loved her, but didn't want and didn't have the room for, three children who weren't their grandchildren in their little rented terrace with outside toiler. This being the suburban 1960s, what the neighbours thought was very much a thing. When the divorce came through mum and ex were offered 50/50 custody and mum considered it best and least disruptive for her children to leave them with their father in the family home full time.

So fast forward 60 years, and her first family would like to be be in contact with her. Mum is in her 80s, frail, early stages of dementia, and in sheltered accomodation, and she doesn't think she could cope with the emotional upheaval that it would cause her to resume contact - not to mention the possible disappointment for all parties after so long.

Seems they also want to have contact with me. Obviously we have the same mother but other than that we were brought up in different worlds, different backgrounds, different lifestyles. I'm not curious about them: I've grown up knowing about them but I don't feel that I'm missing a piece of my life. From what I hear of them we have nothing in common more than a shared biology. (That sounds snobby but that's not what I mean - let's say from what mum has been told they would not approve of my lifestyle.)

AIBU to want to leave sleeping dogs lie and to decline contact?

Sorry, just to confirm - she has had no contact with her first three children for 60 years?

If that's the case, whatever has gone before was not her children's fault and it must be devastating for them to have grown up without a mother. I would of course facilitate contact with her children at least.

@Lockheart - yes. She's had no contact for 60 years and doesn't want contact now. (It's not a decision she has come to lightly, by the way, there is a lot more back story on her side which isn't mine to go into, so don't judge her too harshly.)

The AIBU is not whether mum's being unreasonable - that's her shout, not mine. It's whether I am being unreasonable in not wanting contact - they have contacted me separately.

Amazing that there have been no previous attempts at reconciliation from either side for 60 years?

I can't imagine being in your position and not being curious to meet your half-siblings

Ultimately you can decide what is best for you but I don't think you should interfere or attempt to persuade your Mum to refuse contact. As a minimum she owes them a full and frank explanation as to why she left them and didn't stay in contact.

It's up to you and your Mum but I have no idea how she walked away from her children and totally empathise with their desire to have contact. I understand your Mum probably doesn't want to answer difficult questions but they're not unreasonable for probably having some.

It sounds like they want answers from your mum and understandably so, not least about her ability to abandon them but if she's 80 now they probably have left it too late.

If you don't want to meet them then I wouldn't, as if your mum doesn't they'll probably see you as someone who can give them the answers they desperately need.

Your mum abandoned her 3 children to be looked after by someone she knew was violent? That's very sad. I think you should hear what your half siblings have to say and help facilitate some contact with their mum. They may want some answers or closure.

YANBU. It's purely a personal decision and only you know how you feel.

I was estranged from my father who, from the sound of it was very similar to your mother's ex. He has a family I barely met as I was growing up. I met them at his funeral and they seem lovely people but they are complete strangers to me. It was not suggested on either side that any of us should keep in contact. There's too much water under the bridge: they have established lives without me, as do I without them. We've all managed quite well without each other so far. It would also be awkward to establish a connection knowing what a monstrous abuser my father was; a fact I'm certain they don't know and one that it would be of no benefit to them to find out. It seems better all round just to leave things as they are.

I do feel for your mother's children. There may have been a long build-up to taking the decision to make contact, and to receive this response might feel like being rejected twice. But I've suffered at the hands of an abuser and I understand her reasoning. She's also elderly and infirm. Unfortunately, and although it seems harsh, they will need to accept that that ship has sailed.

Would you consider meeting them once to have a talk to try to answer any questions they might have about your DM’s story? They must have enormous gaps in their childhood selves. They must have suffered and whilst you owe them nothing it would be generous to talk to them. Or if you can’t face that could you write them a letter? They must have been very young when she left and they quite possibly suffered abuse too.

I think you ideally need to talk this through with a counsellor before making any decisions.

I think she owes them a meeting.

You don't owe them anything but if I was in your position I would feel an obligation.

Why won't you do it?

The AIBU is not whether mum's being unreasonable - that's her shout, not mine. It's whether I am being unreasonable in not wanting contact - they have contacted me separately.

No it's entirely up to you who you have in your life.

However perhaps your mother's views on them that suggest they may not approve of you are biased and may be influenced by her desire to leave that part of her life seperate and in the past.

If it's an entirely seperate decsion to your mother's and her decision has no impact on you on whether you have contact - I think thinking what's best for you is an reasonable considerations rather than what's best for others.

If you feel there no benefit to you from this contact then don't have any.

Your mother decision is less straight forward- as surely there is an element of responsibility to her offspring that you don't have but as you say it's not your question here.

Is it really your mother who doesn't want this? Or is it you?

Would them being normal people make her walking away from them as children (according to her, to leave with a violent rapist) much more difficult to reconcile?

I think she's given you a heavily sanitised and edited back story and you already suspect this.

How can either of you know what they're like now after 60 years of no contact? How does your mum know they aren't like you etc? I feel very sad for them that they've never known their mum and she doesn't want to know them. They must feel very rejected

Do you know why they have left it so long to contact your mum? Has their dad recently passed away? I'm wondering how much they have been controlled by him, and whether they only now feel free to make contact.

You're mother is a right piece of work she effectively abandoned her first 3 children with an abuser and replace them with a new family.b60 years and nothing what can of person does that to children she carried and gave birth to. I couldn't look at my mother the same way.

It is your decision but as pp have said, I would feel both curious about, and sorry for, the people who got left with the first abusive husband, and never got to know their mum.

You don't have to become best buds and meet up every Christmas, but maybe @MatildaTheCat's suggestion of one meeting is worthwhile.

are you frightened they want an inheritance

YANBU. Your mum has made her decision obviously there’s a lot more to this story but she can’t of come to that decision easily. Respect her feelings on this one OP and your own.

You don't have to see then, you don't owe them anything.

Your mother does though. I'd be looking to help them get the answers they will undoubtedly want.

Do you feel guilt and want to avoid being faced with what your parents did?
How does she know what they’re like after 60 years?
Has your dad died as you don’t mention him since they got together?

If your mother has had 60 years of no contact, how exactly is she so convinced of their character and their disapproval of you?

OP, I would think it would be the compassionate thing to do to encourage your mother to look beyond what's best for her.

After all, she put her self first for 60 years.
Is it really too much to ask for her to tbink beyond herself.
Obviously I would let them know she is frail but God I think ye both should meet them.

If after your mother is gone you choose otherwise, fair enough.
I would try and do it in the spirit of kindness and ask your mother to do the same.

60 years is a long time to have had nothing to do with them.
God help them.
It is a terrible hole in people's lives, when a mother abandons them.

Best of luck OP.

But that's so awful, them poor kids. I know you cant force her but surely the least she can do is give them closure after leaving them with an abuser as a father and having no contact at all with them. I cant imagine not wanting to meet them.
I thought you were going to say you were one of the three abandoned children and one of her new kids wanted to play happy families.

No, you dont need to have contact if you choose not too. I do however believe your mother does have an obligation to see her children before she dies. It would be cruel not too.

How can your mum know if her eldest three children would disapprove of your lifestyle if she hasnt seen them for 60 years?

That is so so sad. Those poor children. How does your mum know they would disapprove if there’s been no contact for so many years?

Imagine for a second place youre self in their shoes loving youre mother and then watching her walk away leaving you with an abuser and not having any contact with you and her having a new family. You sound so cold towards youre siblings have some empathy and compassion.