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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want contact?

241 replies

SilverStripeyTabby · 13/07/2020 13:00

So NC for this one and bear with me cos this sounds like the plot of a crap novel....

My mum has three children from a previous marriage - he was a highly respected professional man but massive issues with DV, raped her within their marriage, many, many dreadful things happened to her. She met my dad and they fell in love.
His parents (he was still living at home) loved her, but didn't want and didn't have the room for, three children who weren't their grandchildren in their little rented terrace with outside toiler. This being the suburban 1960s, what the neighbours thought was very much a thing. When the divorce came through mum and ex were offered 50/50 custody and mum considered it best and least disruptive for her children to leave them with their father in the family home full time.

So fast forward 60 years, and her first family would like to be be in contact with her. Mum is in her 80s, frail, early stages of dementia, and in sheltered accomodation, and she doesn't think she could cope with the emotional upheaval that it would cause her to resume contact - not to mention the possible disappointment for all parties after so long.

Seems they also want to have contact with me. Obviously we have the same mother but other than that we were brought up in different worlds, different backgrounds, different lifestyles. I'm not curious about them: I've grown up knowing about them but I don't feel that I'm missing a piece of my life. From what I hear of them we have nothing in common more than a shared biology. (That sounds snobby but that's not what I mean - let's say from what mum has been told they would not approve of my lifestyle.)

AIBU to want to leave sleeping dogs lie and to decline contact?

OP posts:
JuliaDomna · 13/07/2020 19:02

I think there should be some compassion for all parties in this sad affair. None of us except the OP's mother know the full facts. She now has dementia and is frail. She may not even be able to give them the answers they need. The OP is not responsible for her mothers actions. Accusing the OP of lack of empathy is unkind. It is not black and white.

AccountAntsy · 13/07/2020 19:02

Also - I’m inclined to think if you’re not interested in building an ongoing relationship with them (which is fair enough imo) then it’s more compassionate to be clear about that from the beginning and not meet them, rather than building up false hope.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 13/07/2020 19:04

People on here are so awful.

No, YANBU. These people are strangers and there is no reason to feel you should meet up if you don't want to. Why would you? I also understand why your elderly, frail mother doesn't now want to meet 'children' who are presumably in their 50s and 60s and who are not going to be recognisable as the children they were.

It's a very sad situation, but she doesn't need to put herself through this.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 13/07/2020 19:05

I understand you do not want contact and that’s your decision, however your mother has a responsibility to her other children. You don’t know what they’ve been through. She left them with an abuser anything could of happened to them. Also your mother clearly does not know them so how can she tell if they will approve of your lifestyle choices.

Pollypocket89 · 13/07/2020 19:08

Are all those saying she owes them something and she should give them answers missing the vital dementia diagnosis... That changes everything (and yes, I do have personal experience)

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 13/07/2020 19:13

Yes I agree @pollypocjet and I clearly missed the dementia diagnosis.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 13/07/2020 19:13

Pocket*

AbsentmindedWoman · 13/07/2020 19:13

She left three children with an abusive man.

She never tried to repair the relationship when they reached adulthood and independence and got away from him.

I have no doubt the OP's mother suffered a great deal in her abusive first marriage, but it sticks in my craw that she seemed to essentially write the first lot of kids off as collateral damage. Those children had no power, the situation was not their fault, she accepted that they would be stuck with an abusive arsehole for their childhood and then did nothing to make amends over the decades.

She just put herself first for a lifetime.

Unforgivable.

Aren't you the lucky chosen one, eh OP? Mum obviously loved you much more to stick around. No wonder you don't want to meet these other relatives, you clearly feel some kind of mix of contempt and insecurity. I do not blame you for not wanting anything to do with them - it's not your fault either. I understand your loyalty is to your mother, but Jesus.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 13/07/2020 19:20

It sounds a diffocult situation all around.

I do wonder what proportion of those long lost family stories never get to TV... Hello we've found a child you didn't know you had?? No sorry I'm not interested..
Hello we've found the child you gave up for adoption 49 years ago? I hope they're well... But no one else knows about that child so I don't want to meet... /or I gave that child up as my father had raped me and he was the baby's father...

It happens.... We just cannot judge!!

I think overall you have to do what you're happy with.... Have you thought of a halfway response... Where you very clearly indicate that you're only happy for wirrten comms? (e.g.You're not interested in becoming part of THEIR family... As you have your own life and history)

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 13/07/2020 19:20

Poor kids! How could a mum leave 3 kids with a violent person? And why has it taken 60 years for them to come looking for her? Its so sad. They must have abandonment issues. I cant even imagine how you leave your kids in the first place

nokidshere · 13/07/2020 19:25

My mother left home in 1972. We were 6 siblings, the oldest was 10 and the youngest around 2. Dad was a nasty violent man. He would wake us up in the middle of the night and bring us downstairs to watch him beat her half to death a few times a week at least. He put her in hospital more than once and it's pretty clear that sex wasn't often, if ever, consensual. this had been going on for over 12yrs. She walked out one morning and simply didn't come back.

It's important to know that he never hurt us physically. She had no money and nowhere to go. He walked the streets for nearly a year afterwards drunk and threatening to kill her which I am absolutely sure he would have done if he had found her.

As it happened, 3 yrs after she left we ended up in care. We never went home again. We didn't find mum again for many years after he died.

We are now between the ages of 60 and 52. All but one of us has forgiven her. Life was very different back then in terms of support/money and women were considered property of their husbands. No one could hear her story and not have empathy for why she did what she did. Obviously people have that empathy for us too. It's unfair of posters to judge so harshly for a life they

OP, we are in touch with our mother and have become friendly over the years. She can't talk about what happened but we don't judge her for it. Maybe the kindest thing to do is to write to them explaining that your mothers health just isn't up to it but try to fill in some gaps for them with her help. You don't have to have them in your life if you don't want to.

Areyouactuallyseriousrightnow · 13/07/2020 19:26

How does OP mother having early stage dementia affect whether OP should connect with them herself? They’ve reached out to her independently of her mother.

nokidshere · 13/07/2020 19:27
  • it's unfair for people to judge so harshly on a life they know nothing about
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 13/07/2020 19:28

@AbsentmindedWoman exactly what I thought. How could anyone leave 3 kids with a violent man!

Pollypocket89 · 13/07/2020 19:37

Areyouactuallyseriousrightnow, if you're referring to my comments, it doesn't. My comment was in reply to the pile on of judgement of the mother

oceanbreezy · 13/07/2020 19:48

So it’s fine for you to have had a good life and to know your mother but the 3 other children shouldn’t? Not having a father in your life is very different to a mother. There were two celebs on celebs go dating show, Chloe sims and Lauren goodger. Bothe their mums left them when they were young never to be seen again. The problems they have had because of it are just awful. I feel so sorry for those 3. Perhaps you should try to persuade your mother to just meet them once and that’ll be it. Life is too short. You’d feel differently if it was you.

2bazookas · 13/07/2020 20:15

If your mother can't face re-opening such a painful past, fair enough.

There are other options, one of which is for you to offer to tell them as much as you know of her story. Either now, or perhaps after your mother is gone. Be warned, they will know a different side of the past and the combined result may not be what any of you want to hear.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/07/2020 20:45

So it’s fine for you to have had a good life and to know your mother but the 3 other children shouldn’t?

OP is not an extension of her mother. She's answerable for her own actions, not other people's. The onus of responsibility belongs nowhere near her.

isadoradancing123 · 13/07/2020 20:51

Its hard to advise as obviously a mother abandoning her three children is a very emotive subject

katy1213 · 13/07/2020 21:01

Those 'poor kids' are in their 60s - possibly it is disappointing for them not to meet their mother, but they will survive. As you say, it is your mother's decision and clearly she feels too old to rake up the past. The situation wasn't of your making and you don't owe them anything. I don't think I'd want to get involved either. I'd be mildly curious but not so much that I'd want to create expectations of an on-going relationship.

GreytExpectations · 13/07/2020 21:35

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

So it’s fine for you to have had a good life and to know your mother but the 3 other children shouldn’t?

OP is not an extension of her mother. She's answerable for her own actions, not other people's. The onus of responsibility belongs nowhere near her.

This is true but it's quite insensitive of the OP to have such a blasé, lack of compassion about the situation. She doesn't have to meet them at all but the way she talks about her mothers actions just seems really cold. A bit of empathy from her would go a long way
GreytExpectations · 13/07/2020 21:38

@AbsentmindedWoman

She left three children with an abusive man.

She never tried to repair the relationship when they reached adulthood and independence and got away from him.

I have no doubt the OP's mother suffered a great deal in her abusive first marriage, but it sticks in my craw that she seemed to essentially write the first lot of kids off as collateral damage. Those children had no power, the situation was not their fault, she accepted that they would be stuck with an abusive arsehole for their childhood and then did nothing to make amends over the decades.

She just put herself first for a lifetime.

Unforgivable.

Aren't you the lucky chosen one, eh OP? Mum obviously loved you much more to stick around. No wonder you don't want to meet these other relatives, you clearly feel some kind of mix of contempt and insecurity. I do not blame you for not wanting anything to do with them - it's not your fault either. I understand your loyalty is to your mother, but Jesus.

Totally agree with you. I'm shocked at the amount of posters that seem OK with the mothers horrific actions.
makingmammaries · 13/07/2020 21:42

I think you do owe them something, OP, out of common humanity and because you are the only person who can help them achieve some closure in this horrible, traumatic situation they have lived through. You don’t have to build an ongoing relationship with them, or even like them. But I believe you do owe it to them, patiently, courteously and truthfully, to answer whatever questions they have. How could you not do that?

AllsortsofAwkward · 13/07/2020 21:59

Imagine being a young child having you're mother to tuck you and then suddenly your family split up and you're stuck with you're abusive father and you're mother leaves and doesn't come back, send a present or a card. They must have wondered what they did wrong for their mother to abandoned them. Trama like that stays with you for life.

nokidshere · 13/07/2020 22:01

I think you do owe them something, OP, out of common humanity and because you are the only person who can help them achieve some closure in this horrible, traumatic situation they have lived through. You don’t have to build an ongoing relationship with them, or even like them. But I believe you do owe it to them, patiently, courteously and truthfully, to answer whatever questions they have. How could you not do that?

She doesn't owe them anything. It's not her story. She doesn't know them,, or anything about them. No one is obligated to sort out or get involved in someone else's mess.

Because we are nice people the majority of us think it would be a kind thing to do, but that doesn't mean she owes them anything.