To not want contact?

[SilverStripeyTabby]

So NC for this one and bear with me cos this sounds like the plot of a crap novel....

My mum has three children from a previous marriage - he was a highly respected professional man but massive issues with DV, raped her within their marriage, many, many dreadful things happened to her. She met my dad and they fell in love.
His parents (he was still living at home) loved her, but didn't want and didn't have the room for, three children who weren't their grandchildren in their little rented terrace with outside toiler. This being the suburban 1960s, what the neighbours thought was very much a thing. When the divorce came through mum and ex were offered 50/50 custody and mum considered it best and least disruptive for her children to leave them with their father in the family home full time.

So fast forward 60 years, and her first family would like to be be in contact with her. Mum is in her 80s, frail, early stages of dementia, and in sheltered accomodation, and she doesn't think she could cope with the emotional upheaval that it would cause her to resume contact - not to mention the possible disappointment for all parties after so long.

Seems they also want to have contact with me. Obviously we have the same mother but other than that we were brought up in different worlds, different backgrounds, different lifestyles. I'm not curious about them: I've grown up knowing about them but I don't feel that I'm missing a piece of my life. From what I hear of them we have nothing in common more than a shared biology. (That sounds snobby but that's not what I mean - let's say from what mum has been told they would not approve of my lifestyle.)

AIBU to want to leave sleeping dogs lie and to decline contact?

Yeah, must be awful to have to think of trying to explain why you left them with a physically and sexually abusive man when you could've seen them 50% of the time but chose not to and couldn't be bothered to even send a birthday or Christmas card for 60 years while you enjoyed your 'new' family.

Pretty sure i'd avoid that conversation too.

There's clearly more to it. My parents divorced in the 60's, and whilst it was tough for my mum ( no equal pay etc) it wasn't dreadful, and the neighbours were quite supportive actually, so I can't help but feel that part of the story isn't sufficient in itself to explain what happened to your family.
However it maybe that your Mums mental health issues affected her options and choices. Whatever the reason was that she turned down the chance to have her children 50/50, and went no contact with them subsequently, it would be a kindness to explain the reasons truthfully to those children. Being rejected by your own mother is about the worst thing that can happen to a child. Anything that can help them come to terms with that or shed light on the reasons for it would be a good thing, I think.
Your own sexuality is surely a red herring here? It's not really about you, it's about them wanting to know about their Mum.

I get why you wouldn’t want to meet.
Who would you be doing it for & what would you have in common other than a biological parent.
Also, what your mum may or may not have done in the past is not your responsibility. The sins at the father & all that.

This thread is so depressingly judgemental, it's a wonder anyone posts here for genuine help and advice. In response to this:

OP, I would think it would be the compassionate thing to do to encourage your mother to look beyond what's best for her.

OP is not responsible for her mother's decisions. She isn't responsible for explaining her mother's decisions; decisions made, incidentally, before she was even alive. She isn't responsible for any wrongs committed by her mother's first husband. In short, she isn't responsible.

These people, who are complete strangers to her, are people to whom she owes nothing. There might be factors in her own life which make her averse to the emotional upheaval involved in meeting people whose only connection to herself is the long-ago actions of others which were in no way within her control. She doesn't need to explain those reasons to us or anyone else.

As for the mother, OP isn't asking for advice about her, only - again - decisions which are within her control. Aside from which, the woman has dementia which is hardly a state conducive for meeting long-lost relatives for the first time in 6 decades.

There are some situations which are not salvageable. This is one of them. It's too late.

As for OP, she was never involved in the first place. OP, you don't have to inherit your family's miserable past. And if you don't want to, you shouldn't. I'm sorry people have given you such a hard time about your elderly mother.

Stick to your own instincts on this. You've said 'no'. Your mother has said 'no'. It's still quite surprising how often women utter that word and people hear something entirely different.

It's no. And that's okay.

[Flowers]

Life was very different back int the 50's, my grandmother divorced back then and grandfather went on to have another wife/family and successful life. Where Grandmother was tarred with the single Mum divorced so mst have done something wrong brush.
Life was very male centric and men got what they wanted, a single divorced woman wasn't just second class she had no class.
Placing blame on the woman for leaving the kids is very modern blame, back then she probably had little control. Now as a 85 yo with dementia she's still vulnerable.
I wouldn't want anyone having contact with her and if I were the OP I would let sleeping dogs lie and carry on with my life without contact if thats what you want. If you are curious as to why they want to contact you, ask. Then either meet or block as needed. Your choice alone.

I feel so sad for the three siblings. There seems to be quite a lack of compassion for them on this thread. I do hope you meet them OP, even just the once, so they do not feel totally rejected further, which is the most damaging thing imaginable. Why would a sister not meet them? It would seem so strange and cold.

If your mum has not had contact with them then how do you know they wouldn’t agree with your lifestyle? You don’t have an obligation and i know this wasn’t your question but I think your mother should as quote honestly it’s not about her. I think that both of you are potentially frightened that you’ll find out difficult information or your mum will be expected to justify her decisions. I appreciate it was different times but what she did was leave her children with someone she knew was violent and a rapist.

I don't normally comment on posts, although I do look at Mumsnet sometimes. However, I have some experience with caring for elderly people with dementia and the OPs post and subsequent replies concerned me.

This is a very sad situation for all concerned. It is easy to point the finger and criticise this lady's actions in the past. But the early 1960s were a very different time. Women had few rights and she left an abusive relationship which was difficult to do. Maybe she was threatened by her ex husband but whatever the reasons she chose to cut of communication with the three children. The OP says her mother's mental health suffered so perhaps she just didn't feel strong enough and as time passed it would have been harder to make the move.Who knows. We are not privy to the full story so do not know enough to pass judgement.

Your mother is frail and has dementia, emotionally she may not be in a good place to deal with this. Dementia may be accompanied by depression and sufferers lose their confidence. As a result she may not be able to give her three other children the explanations they seek. She may feel so guilty she feels she cannot face them. Only she knows.
Does she have a social worker or any other professional support? I have found the Alzheimer's Society very helpful. If she was to consider meeting them perhaps an intermediary could used. It is possible the three adult children just want to be reconciled. They may have feelings of anger, abandonment and want to tell her what they think of her. An intermediary would be able to reduce an potential conflicts and make the process as kindly as possible to all parties..

As for the OP, It is entirely up to you. If you don't feel able to meet them, don't feel bullied or shamed into doing so. However, you may find some comfort in getting to know them, particularly as your mum is frail. But it is up to you and it is not black and white. Good luck. I hope it all works out ok.

The OP, isn't responsible for her mother's actions, I don't think any has even vaguely suggested that so I fail to see the point.

It doesn't mean she can't adopt a compassionate position by at the very least maybe her mother to answer some questions.

Yes it was 60 years ago and she left the family home for another man.

The courts did give her 50/50 access to her children so not totally archaic!

It doesn't mean she can't adopt a compassionate position by at the very least maybe her mother to answer some questions.

She has dementia.

FedUpAtHomeTroels and MarielVanArkleStinks make some good points. It is very easy to look on this situation through modern eyes. I grew up in the 1950s and remember that one of my friend's parents divorced. Divorce wasn't common or easy then.The father hit the mother but it she who received the most brutal condemnation. I remember the neighbours talking about it. 'She must have done something for him to hit her like that.' type of comments. The poor woman was isolated. Life is so different now. Married women could not open a bank account without her husband's permission. Many women had to leave their jobs when then got married. Options were very limited. It is all too easy to judge now by today's standards.

It is very sad for all parties in this affair. We do not know why the OP's mother decided to not contact her children but I wouldn't mind betting the reason is not straightforward. I don't think condemnation is helpful at all.

Yanbu op, I have an older half brother with same dad, we lost touch after my dad died when I was young and we moved away to another country shortly after. Got in touch again when I was 17 and met when I was 18. It cemented that we had nothing in common and were worlds apart, I didn't get in touch after that and not heard from him either so I think the feeling was mutual.

I don't blame your dm for not wanting to meet them but neither do I think they are unreasonable to want some answers.

Could you and your dm draft a letter together for them.? It can say all the things your mum needs or wants to say and gives them the closure they are looking for.

I don't know whether it would be a kinder thing for them to think she was a bitch who left them for another man, or to know the truth.

What other truth is there? She did abandoned them to a known violent abusive man so she could start a new family. There is no nice way to spin that, what kind of a parent does that? This ex raped your mother throughout their marriage and was violent to her, what do you think those poor kids life must have been like? No, there is no other "truth".

HyacynthBucket
I agree there seems to be a lack of compassion for 3 young children whos life were turned upside down. If this had been a man who had done this peoples attitudes would be totally different. If anything this is worse she carried and birthed those kids disregarded them and had more dc with another man and didn't attempt a relationship even with them as adults. The rejection they must feel.

GreyTExpectations, that's a very ignorant view point. 'no there is no other truth'. We don't have a whole picture of a person or life based on a few posts on a forum. It's someone's life, open your mind and have some empathy all round

Your half siblings were abandoned by their mother, who knowingly left them with a very violent man. God knows how their lives ended up. They are now reaching out, the reason doesn’t matter, please please don’t let them be abandoned all over again.
You were only able to enjoy the life you had with two loving parents, at their expense I’m afraid to say - please do them this very small kindness of connecting with them, in recognition of that.

Areyouactuallyseriousrightnow.

I don't think you should guilt trip the OP. That is very unkind. She had no part in her mother's decision to leave her other children. Have some compassion for all parties involved.

I hope you are ok OP.

I support absolutely OP's autonomy and right to own her personal decisions. That doesn't mean I'm completely without sympathy for the older siblings. I am. But other issues are at play here too: the main question being what anyone can hope to gain from this.

The mother? There's little point in judging her now. She made a decision 60 YEARS ago - that's more than a lifetime to most of us - under circumstances to which we're not privy. 60 years is a long time-lapse. And she now has dementia and may be unable to answer questions even if she were willing to do so. Best to let that one slide. It's a little late for either retribution or reparation now.

The children? I agree that having a mother leave at a young age, not least to the mercies of an abusive father, would be a devastating experience. Frankly, nothing their mother could tell them could atone for this, especially given they are all now in their twilight years. The siblings are not those young children now. They will be, even the youngest of them, knocking on 70 years of age. They've made their own lives, and at this stage it's long past time to blame either success or failure on childhood issues. We all ultimately have to take ownership of our own lives and responsibility for ourselves.

In making the decision to contact their mother, they will have been aware of all possible outcomes. By their time of life, they'll doubtless be aware that a rosy, end-of-life reunion was a highly unrealistic scenario that in reality is the stuff of romantic fiction.

OP also seems to believe she has nothing to gain from such a reunion. Aside from shared DNA (which IMO is vastly overrated) these are strangers. She has nothing to feel guilty about at all.

'Let sleeping dogs lie' seems a good way of phrasing it.

@JuliaDomna as PP have also stated, I believe OP is BU and should have more empathy and understanding for half siblings who were left by their mother to be brought up by a very violent man.
They may be an inconvenient truth that the family would prefer not to engage with, but they are people, they deserve some compassion.
Just because you don’t agree doesn’t make it unkind.

@Pollypocket89

GreyTExpectations, that's a very ignorant view point. 'no there is no other truth'. We don't have a whole picture of a person or life based on a few posts on a forum. It's someone's life, open your mind and have some empathy all round

I have empathy for the poor children who likly for abused most their life. Not for the woman who left them in that situation. If the OP doesn't put all info in her posts them I will judge on the information I have, that's just how it works

She also put that she has dementia now and all the op did was be born... 2 other huge details to factor into that empathy of yours... Its a sad situation all round but as the mother has dementia, it could also cause irrevocable damage to her/shock/overload actually kill her. We also haven't got a clue as to why she left them and that wasn't what the op asked

I suppose your dm feels understandable ashamed of her actions. I think she owes her children some sort of answer for what she has done tbh, and the fact that it's uncomfortable for her shouldn't really be a factor.

I think you are under no obligation to have contact, but I do think you need to have a long hard think about the narrative you've developed which has somehow cast the abandoned kids as the unreasonable ones and your dm as blameless.

It's not OP's responsibility but I find the lack of compassion pretty bad

You don’t owe them anything or have any obligation to have them in your life.