To not want contact?

[SilverStripeyTabby]

So NC for this one and bear with me cos this sounds like the plot of a crap novel....

My mum has three children from a previous marriage - he was a highly respected professional man but massive issues with DV, raped her within their marriage, many, many dreadful things happened to her. She met my dad and they fell in love.
His parents (he was still living at home) loved her, but didn't want and didn't have the room for, three children who weren't their grandchildren in their little rented terrace with outside toiler. This being the suburban 1960s, what the neighbours thought was very much a thing. When the divorce came through mum and ex were offered 50/50 custody and mum considered it best and least disruptive for her children to leave them with their father in the family home full time.

So fast forward 60 years, and her first family would like to be be in contact with her. Mum is in her 80s, frail, early stages of dementia, and in sheltered accomodation, and she doesn't think she could cope with the emotional upheaval that it would cause her to resume contact - not to mention the possible disappointment for all parties after so long.

Seems they also want to have contact with me. Obviously we have the same mother but other than that we were brought up in different worlds, different backgrounds, different lifestyles. I'm not curious about them: I've grown up knowing about them but I don't feel that I'm missing a piece of my life. From what I hear of them we have nothing in common more than a shared biology. (That sounds snobby but that's not what I mean - let's say from what mum has been told they would not approve of my lifestyle.)

AIBU to want to leave sleeping dogs lie and to decline contact?

I don't think people can assume that because the father was violent to the mother, that he would be abusive towards the children after she left.

Presumably she knew the extent of the abuse best, and thought they would actually be happier without interaction between the parents which would be necessary to share custody, and which is often a trigger for continued abuse (therefore affecting the children).

He might well have treated them OK without her around. My ex was abusive to me, and still finds opportunities to manipulate me via our daughter. But if she was with him full time, that dynamic would no longer exist, and despite me disagreeing with his parenting methods, I think he would be a good enough parent in that case.

Yes he's sexist, but so is the rest of society, so I don't think he would cause her to absorb those attitudes any extra than she would anyway (especially since I've done a lot of anti-sexist groundwork already). It wouldn't be considered to be on the level of abuse anyway (if anything SS are very conventional in that regard, and expect to see girls wearing pink and having long hair).

Never mind the other issues with judgement from society at that time, lack of a suitable home/job/resources etc.

It must have been a terrible wrench for her to leave them; I doubt she was the cold-hearted person other posters are making her out to be. She thought she was taking the least bad option.

The fact that she met someone else is irrelevant, other than it maybe giving her the motivation to leave in the first place. Would people be judging her so much if she had left without there being another man involved? But the situation would otherwise be the same.

So I don't she she IBU to not see them, especially in her current state and after so long. She will be easily distressed, especially if she feels she has to defend herself, and they all get angry with her. And she may not be able to explain what happened coherently anyway.

Also YANBU for not wanting to see them, especially if they are homophobic. And they may not want to hear that their dad was abusive, so may get defensive about that. Is he still alive? If not, maybe that is a good sign, i.e. they didn't want to contact you while he was alive, as they felt disloyal, but maybe they do know or suspect something of what went on, and are now open to hearing it.

What about if you sat down with your mum and wrote a letter or took notes about the situation, so they can have an explanation, and you could either send them that or just meet them once to talk to them about it, but not have an ongoing relationship?

It’s not an easy decision but I think you have to trust your gut. My sister and I stopped all contact with our biological father when I was 11. I was contacted by my half sister (his ‘second family’) a few years and at first I politely replied because I didn’t really know what to do. She’s appx 20 years younger than me and we’ve never met. I decided to end contact because she was a young teenager, still living with him and I don’t want him knowing anything about my life. I have a half brother as well but I’m not sure if I would want contact with them now they are adults. We weren’t raised together and sometimes it’s best to leave the past in the past. I know it’s not exactly the same situation as yours OP but just wanted to post a non judgemental and sympathetic post.

@oceanbreezy

So it’s fine for you to have had a good life and to know your mother but the 3 other children shouldn’t? Not having a father in your life is very different to a mother. There were two celebs on celebs go dating show, Chloe sims and Lauren goodger. Bothe their mums left them when they were young never to be seen again. The problems they have had because of it are just awful. I feel so sorry for those 3. Perhaps you should try to persuade your mother to just meet them once and that’ll be it. Life is too short. You’d feel differently if it was you.

And why did their mothers leave? Their problems are all solely down to that event, are they? It can't possibly be anything to do with what caused them to leave, instead.

But let's entirely blame the women, when men do this all the time. But it's OK to have lower expectations for them...

With even early stage dementia there's a realistic chance they're not going to get anything like the closure they want even if your mother did consent to meeting. With that in mind, I'd stay out of it unless I particularly wanted a sibling relationship. And you don't.

This whole thing is so sad. Either your mother has lied to you about being in a violent relationship to justify the fact that she walked out on three Young children, or she left three young children with a violent man. The bit where you say ‘from what I have been told, they wouldn’t approve of my lifestyle…‘ It sounds as though someone is trying to put you off meeting them. After all this time they are still looking for closure, sounds like they are not going to get it.

We had something similar. My Dad's dad left my Nan when dad was 1 in the 40s. I never met the man, and my Dad had very little to do with him. he remarried and had a family.

My Nan died 14 years ago and soon after we were contacted by my dad's half brothers, wanting contact with him, now that my nan had died, as had their parents. My Dad had predeceased my Nan 5 years earlier. Once they had learned this, they wanted to maintain contact with db and I, but what was there to say? There are genes in common, but that's it - there is no shared family history, nor will there ever be.

The Op probably feels the same way as I do.

It saddens me so much when I read some posts on Mumsnet how much women attack other women. We are often our own worst enemies. it is always the woman's fault, no matter what. Take for example Angelina Jolie. Witness the vitriol she has been subject to. Brad Pitt has been honest about his addiction to alcohol and drugs and their effects on his relationship.But it is Angelina Jolie who is seen as the wicked witch. It was Brad Pitt who was unfaithful to Jennifer Aniston but people attack Angelina for breaking up their marriage. Nothing is black and white but we women should be more empathetic towards each each other and recognise that other women face difficult paths.. We should be thinking about walking a mile in other women's shoes. and recognising that women have had little power in the past and today. That the OP's mother left her children is very sad . We are not cognisant of the effect on their lives. 'we don't know the background or the details. We have no evidence this was done in a callous or selfish way. How is this so different to men who left their families at the same time? The OP was no party to what happened before her birth. She may have issues of her own. Why are women so quick to judge other women?

Wow. Your mum left kids with a violent rapist and you want to ignore them. Your mum needs to beg for forgiveness and pray to god they were not molested and beaten. She would have ruined their lives. How selfish you are.

Your mum sounds like an awful human being. Even the rapist dad stayed in their lives. What a horrendous post.

SilverStripeyTabby Your story could have been my mothers story. In those days women had no rights. My grandmother left an abusive relationship and took her 3 daughters with her. She literally escaped from a small Scottish Island in a row boat. Her own parents refused to take her and the kids in. As a single woman with 3 kids it was almost impossible to get work, in those days women with children were at home. No one would help her, not a bloody soul. She had NO CHOICE but to send the kids back, couldnt even rent a place to live.
She had my mother but was not married to my mums dad as she was not allowed to get a divorce, cos she was a woman, he promptly died when my mum was 3 months old. She was farmed out to a " granny" who was in reality some random lady who would raise her for a fee, while my grandmother worked in London and sent money back.
My mother met her sisters when she was 17 and it didnt go well, there was a lot of animosity and resentment and she was treated really bad by them. Their father had drunk himself to death and my granny took them in, My mum ended up homeless, and my granny had a mental breakdown.
I have never met them or their children, I only found out about them when I was 19 and due to circumstances my granny had to tell me one of them rocked up at the door while I was home
My granny never stopped loving them and even later in life did what she could to help but they were totally screwed up at that point by all accounts. And of course the whole bloody lot of em came out the woodwork when she died.
So essentially my granny abandoned 4 kids, she was the loveliest person ever, kind gentle, tough and a load of fun. I will NEVER condemn her for what she had to do, walk a mile in her bloody shoes.
She never had contact in her later years, neither did my mum. I have no interest either

My mum has three children from a previous marriage - he was a highly respected professional man but massive issues with DV, raped her within their marriage, many, many dreadful things happened to her. She met my dad and they fell in love.

So she left her 3 children behind with a man capable of rape and many other dreadful things, and because her new mans parents weren't keen on her 'baggage' and what the neighbours may think, oh and because their house was small????? But hey, she got a better life for herself and hasn't seen them for 60 years.
This must be made up, or she did a real number on you, making it sound ok.
Those poor, poor children, no doubt grandparents now, they must have felt so unloved.

60 years ago it was a very different world. I don't think you're unreasonable to refuse contact OP, but in your shoes I'd feel an obligation to meet up once or offer to answer any questions they may have by letter or something similar.

There has been a lot going on in your Mothers past, which maybe other people would like to know about,but your Mum would unlikely cope with all of that in her late age, and condition now. Raking up old things now, could well upset her too much. She and you,know what happened in her past, so I would just keep it that way. It's not a case of keeping things secret,but just protecting your Mum in her 80 year old life.

You don't owe them anything but if I was in your position I would feel an obligation.

This.

I understand your mother’s decision at this point in her life. It is very very sad fir her first 3 children, though.

Therefore, I would feel obliged to have at least one meeting with them.

That may not be something you feel is your place, but I would not be able to refuse.

Ultimately, if they don’t approve of you, it won’t matter. It’s not about you, after all. One meeting I would feel is a small price if I wanted to give them something for having had the shitty straw in life. It might also give your mother some closure.

If your mother hasnt seen them for 60 years how can she know how they will view your lifestyle ?
Personally i think they probably want some answers from your mum as they were children and didnt get a choice on what happened
Its upto your mum of course but what have they done wrong ?

As others had said maybe letters could be a compromise ?

You could write an honest letter telling them why you don't think contact would work. Also, you have to respect your mother's position. The decisions she made were her decisions.

How awful that she left her children with an abuser. I wouldn’t want anything to do with my mother in this situation but would want to get to know my siblings that she abandoned. There’s no excuse for leaving them with this man. I think you should both feel very fortunate that they want to be in contact. They must have been traumatised.

She went and got herself away from this abuser but left the children that she brought into the world with him. I think it’s absolutely disgusting that she doesn’t want contact with them, imagine it was you she did that to. She should be deeply ashamed.

Your poor, poor mum. What a horrendous experience for her.

It seems odd to me that it’s only now, 60 years on, that her older children are attempting to make contact. The cynic in me wonders whether they’re sniffing around for a possible inheritance.

I think you need to protect your mum from people who are in reality strangers to her. I would be willing to meet them, not to build a relationship yourself, but to suss them out and gauge their motives. If it really is about closure, you could offer to pass letters between them and your mother. I wouldn’t be letting them anywhere near her though until you were totally certain of their motives, and even then I would not leave any of them alone with her in case they tried to get her to sign any documents or the like.

Proceed with extreme caution. Many previous posters don’t seem to understand how different the world was then, and how unimaginable bad it could have been for all of them. She was in an impossible position and almost certainly did what she thought was best for everyone involved. She may never know whether they were the right decisions or not. That’s a heavy burden to carry for a lifetime.

HeretoThereandBackAgain

Really? I’m pretty sure that however different the world was back then, parents were not supposed to abandon their children leaving them with an abuser. It seems to me that she sorted herself out and didn’t give her children a second thought. Fucking horrendous.

I think it’s really weird you assume all these people will dislike you because you’re gay. I would be concerned your mother has told you a narrative which suits her, makes her feel less guilty for abandoning her children. I can appreciate you don’t feel a family connection with these strangers, but I feel if you did meet them you would likely learn a new truth & see your mother’s behaviour in a different light. The version she has told you is unlikely to be the full truth.

You can't apply today's standards to 60 years ago. Divorce was shameful, minimal welfare state and women were second class citizens.
I think the most sensible thing is to tell them that she has dementia and it would be too unsettling to meet. I don't see why you would need to meet with them unless it would be helpful to explain that in a bit more detail?

" I don't know whether it would be a kinder thing for them to think she was a bitch who left them for another man, or to know the truth. "

Well, that's not your decision to make is it?

Truth is, she left her small children in the care of an abusive sexual predator and didn't protect them and then ignored them for decades. I'm wondering if there's been some embellishment - even 60yrs ago the courts wouldn't sanction 100% custody with such a monster.

I feel for them and think they deserve some airtime and answers (if they want them). It's not your place to decide and you should show some compassion and help facilitate it.

As for the judgement of a gay sister - who cares, you, your sexuality and what they may think are not the priority. It's not about you.

I think you don't want them 'sniffing around' your mum and upsetting the status quo. Those poor children, they deserve some contact and you and your mum sound pretty bloody heartless.

I don't think people can assume that because the father was violent to the mother, that he would be abusive towards the children after she left.

Oh come on, surly nobody can be this naive??