To not want contact?

[SilverStripeyTabby]

So NC for this one and bear with me cos this sounds like the plot of a crap novel....

My mum has three children from a previous marriage - he was a highly respected professional man but massive issues with DV, raped her within their marriage, many, many dreadful things happened to her. She met my dad and they fell in love.
His parents (he was still living at home) loved her, but didn't want and didn't have the room for, three children who weren't their grandchildren in their little rented terrace with outside toiler. This being the suburban 1960s, what the neighbours thought was very much a thing. When the divorce came through mum and ex were offered 50/50 custody and mum considered it best and least disruptive for her children to leave them with their father in the family home full time.

So fast forward 60 years, and her first family would like to be be in contact with her. Mum is in her 80s, frail, early stages of dementia, and in sheltered accomodation, and she doesn't think she could cope with the emotional upheaval that it would cause her to resume contact - not to mention the possible disappointment for all parties after so long.

Seems they also want to have contact with me. Obviously we have the same mother but other than that we were brought up in different worlds, different backgrounds, different lifestyles. I'm not curious about them: I've grown up knowing about them but I don't feel that I'm missing a piece of my life. From what I hear of them we have nothing in common more than a shared biology. (That sounds snobby but that's not what I mean - let's say from what mum has been told they would not approve of my lifestyle.)

AIBU to want to leave sleeping dogs lie and to decline contact?

Can you have compassion for your siblings OP? They must be desperate for some contact, having suffered deep emotional hurts. No one can answer for your mother's decision about contact, but for you, I would meet them. You do not have anything to lose, but it could mean all the world to them. If both you and your mother turn away now, they will feel nothing but rejection, as they have presumably all their lives. It would be so hurtful.
Whatever your mother does, please meet with your half siblings, for their sakes.

You have to base your decision on what you feel is right, but I can't imagine the heartbreak for those children who were, essentially, abandoned by their DM because she met someone else.

I'm sorry for your mother's troubles. But she abandoned 3 children to their abusive father so she could start her new relationship, and didn't make contact for 60 years. If they need to see her before she dies to get some kind of closure from that unbelievable psychological wound, she should bloody we'll see them. Whatever attitudes they have or how "snobby" you may think they are, they are her children. She made them. She abandoned them. She owes them.

I'm guessing you have left a lot of detail out.
Some things can't be mended or might actually bring more headache than resolution.
I'd agree with the poster suggesting you speak to a professional about this.
But ultimately it is up to you.

Imagine your mum leaving you with an abusive father so she could start a new family. She was even offered 50/50 custody and didn't take it, abandoning the kids for her new man.

PPs have been very polite, if a man had done that he would be called all sorts.

Thanks for the input, all.

There were, as I said previously, reasons why she left her first family. (I don't call them "the first family" IRL, I might add, I call them by their names ) I don't know whether it would be a kinder thing for them to think she was a bitch who left them for another man, or to know the truth.
I have a friend who was adopted as a baby. He always wanted to know his background. Eventually he contacted his birth mother and was told that he was conceived as a result of rape and that he had been put up for adoption because his birth mum couldn't bear to be reminded of the rape, and her parents wouldn't accept the baby even if she had wanted to keep him. It almost broke him.
So..... it's a tough call.

BTW, just to answer the question as to how she knows about their lives and attitudes, she has been left with severe and significant mental health problems as a result of her abuse in the first marriage. When she's been in crisis a kind friend looked them out on social media and messaged on her behalf (without her consent) - so I have a pretty good idea how they'd feel about a conspicuously gay sister

What truth is there she abandoned all 3 of her children for another man and had a family. Those kids grew knowing their mother didn't want out to do with them.

@AllsortsofAwkward
Harsh.
Times were very different then and we don’t know the full story.

You and your mother are highly unreasonable, and cold. Those poor kids. Shoved aside and left with a physical and sexual bully.

I would imagine, given the ages of all involved, they want some answers and closure before she dies. To be abandoned by your mother, regardless of her reasons, is an event that some children may never ever recover from and as adults they may still be very damaged by it.
You don't have to love them, or even like them, but civility and human kindness are not bad things to extend in this situation. You need never see them again, but to know a little about your roots and to ask the questions they want answered would not take too much from you.

I’m also struck by the fact you don’t seem to possess any compassion for your siblings

@Spidey66 I don't doubt there is a lot more to it but the facts are the DM had an affair and went off with her new man (can't blame her as she was in an abusive marriage) but the divorce went to court and she was able to continue to see her DC if she wanted to and chose not to. She's not someone that had her DC removed from her by a sexist 1960s system or had to flee in and go into hiding.

It was heard in court, they were both granted 50/50 access and she chose to walk away from her DC and leave them with an abusive man. No matter how she came to that decision, there's no sugar-coating the facts.

Spidey66
She had the option to have 50/50 she could have made contact with them when they older she choosen not to her she abandoned her fresh and blood for 60 years that's shameful.

@Ulrikaka

I would imagine, given the ages of all involved, they want some answers and closure before she dies. To be abandoned by your mother, regardless of her reasons, is an event that some children may never ever recover from and as adults they may still be very damaged by it. You don't have to love them, or even like them, but civility and human kindness are not bad things to extend in this situation. You need never see them again, but to know a little about your roots and to ask the questions they want answered would not take too much from you.

This

Struggling to understand how a mother could cut off her 3 children for 60 years. However unlike you said that isn’t the point of the thread. YANBU for not wanting contact. It sounds like a very very sad story all round.

Sorry like you said* not unlike

Oh and, even if she thought it 'less disruptive' to not have 50/50 care and let them live with their Dad full time, she could've maintained contact. Visits or even letters/cards if she felt that would be hard.

She didn't do that. She walked away completely. I think that takes a particular kind of person but maybe that's just me.

For what it’s worth (not much!)

These people aren’t your family - they are just strangers, so it’s unsurprising that you have zero feelings for them as family. Family are those who form your support network imho.
Yours mums decisions are hers and hers alone. Although I agree with her based on what you’ve written. Given her mental health she needs to protect herself and place herself first. In all likelihood her mental health would deteriorate subjected to additional stress.
As for your own decision- that’s yours to make and to make in YOUR best interests. I would ask - would you regret not meeting them once? If you could imaging another 10years from now- would you regret not having met them?

However, I can see that they may want answers. So perhaps a compromise- write/email them asking if they have questions they want answering and you will do your best, but that no, neither your mum or yourself are in a position to meet or pursue family relationships further. Make it clear that some information about they may be seeking could be traumatic for the them.
If you do decide to meet, do it somewhere neutral you can walk away from.

This is terribly sad.
Would you be prepared to help your mother write to them, maybe answer the questions they must have. I think they deserve as much information as your mother can give them really.

For those saying how could a mum walk away from her children - we don’t know all the facts. Families make conditions etc and this was a long time ago with very very different social expectations than today.
Is it really any different than if she had put the children up for adoption and not sought them out in all this time?

I agree that talking to a neutral counsellor maybe helpful to explore the reasons why you are inclined to refuse any contact

Like a PP, I also suspect that your reasons are influenced by potentially biases reports about what sort of people they are and the fact that your Mum does not want any contact is bound to influence your decision too (but perhaps shouldn't)

As others have said, its not you who owes these people anything it's your Mum, but human compassion and kindness ought to guide you to provide them with some information unless there are really good reasons not to

I really hope these 3 people find some sort of closure through some other avenue as I can't see meeting with you and you're mum being much help. All those smiley emojis make me question how seriously you take this.

@Bargebill19

I'd still find it difficult to understand anyone putting 3 DC up for adoption, declining the option to maintain contact or interest in them when she could've had 50/50 contact or at least kept in touch, having another family then not wanting the 'emotional upheaval and possible disappointment on all sides' when they want to meet her.

Fair enough - but families have been known to put various conditions on what can or cannot happen in such circumstances. We just don’t know the whole story.
I can see that after learning to live with not seeing them, it would open old wounds and cause too much mental pain to be reminded of what’s she missed, add early dementia to this and I can totally see that mums decisions is not to se her family.