Not heard from SiL or BiL despite our DS being in ICU

[Sausages83]

We gave birth to our beautiful DS early last week and he went straight into ICU due to a difficult birth and needing constant monitoring. We haven't left his side- it's been a stressful, amazing ride so far full of happiness and worry. We left ICU last night and spend our first night home as a family- blissful. We haven't heard once from my DH's brother, or his wife, since the day I gave birth (received a congratulations message) . We have a family WhatsApp group (which includes DH's mother) where we have updated regularly with pictures and bits of info, including the amazing news we were finally discharged last night. Nothing from them. They are much younger than us, and two children of their own, once is only a few months old. So they're busy and I understand that. But I have been a constant support and source of love (for my SiL in particular, especially when the second was born), I checked in regularly, showed her how much I cared, always asked how she and her new arrival was. Every single update and picture they sent to the family WhatsApp, I acknowledged and responded to. So to hear nothing from them is hurtful and actually really p*sses me off. I messaged SiL this morning, a slightly curt message- 'hey, what's up? Me and DH not heard from you or BiL since day of birth- why?' AIBU to expect apology and explanation, and also AIBU to feel let down?

I don’t understand why so many people are defending this and making excuses for them, so you find out your brother and sister in law’s newborn baby is so ill they have to be admitted to intensive care and you don’t even bother to reply or send your love? You say nothing at all??

It takes two seconds to say “thinking of you all, sending you our love x” to show your family members who are doing through an awful time that you care. That’s not bombarding them, that’s basic manners and decency. Makes me wonder how the people defending this and saying OP is unreasonable treat their own friends and family when they go through a crisis.

I would step away from the phone and enjoy your baby.

It takes two seconds to say “thinking of you all, sending you our love x” to show your family members who are doing through an awful time that you care. That’s not bombarding them, that’s basic manners and decency. Makes me wonder how the people defending this and saying OP is unreasonable treat their own friends and family when they go through a crisis

I agree.

@Elsiebear90

I don’t understand why so many people are defending this and making excuses for them, so you find out your brother and sister in law’s newborn baby is so ill they have to be admitted to intensive care and you don’t even bother to reply or send your love? You say nothing at all??

It takes two seconds to say “thinking of you all, sending you our love x” to show your family members who are doing through an awful time that you care. That’s not bombarding them, that’s basic manners and decency. Makes me wonder how the people defending this and saying OP is unreasonable treat their own friends and family when they go through a crisis.

But why is the SIL responsible for this and the one getting the snippy text?

@MrsTerryPratchett

Anyone who has been divorced finds out if you are really family. I was dropped like a stone from DNiece's life and we were very close after my divorce. Won't be doing that again. DH's niece and nephew are great but they aren't mine.

100% this. This was my experience and I’d never put myself through that again.

@Mydogisthebestest they’re both responsible imo, this is her niece of nephew and OP describes having regular contact with her, so she’s just as responsible for not bothering to send a reply or well wishes as he is imo, although I personally would feel more let down by my brother if I was OP’s husband.

[quote Elsiebear90]@Mydogisthebestest they’re both responsible imo, this is her niece of nephew and OP describes having regular contact with her, so she’s just as responsible for not bothering to send a reply or well wishes as he is imo, although I personally would feel more let down by my brother if I was OP’s husband.[/quote]
The op describes herself (the op) contacting the SIL. she doesn’t say they are good friends outside of the SIL relationship. She doesn’t describe the SIL contacting the op - she describes a one way street.

Family rejection is painful but you can't mend it by trying to make them do the right thing. Because the right thing isn't prompted it is spontaneous and free.

Personally, I would hate that level of pressure to respond and like and comment in a WhatsApp group. It would make me very anxious and I’d hate it. Maybe the SIL is like that?

Everyone has different ways of communicating and levels of communication that they are comfortable with. It’s not for the op to impose her standards on anyone else.

No one way is right or wrong. If anything, I’d put it on the BIL to keep the contact with his side of the family. I’d be pleasant and civil face to face but I have absolutely no desire to be in regular contact with any of my SIL much less DP’s brother’s wife. I see her and their kids once or twice a year at family meet ups and that’s as much as I want to see them.

It would take seconds to text 'so glad you are home'. etc.

No excuses for not doing so. How hard is it to at least respond with 'how cute!' to one of the pictures OP has sent?

Personally, I would hate that level of pressure to respond and like and comment in a WhatsApp group. It would make me very anxious and I’d hate it. Maybe the SIL is like that

This is what the problem is ^ so many people are so focused on how they would feel pressured, they^ maybe busy - so self absorbed.

A brand newborn baby who is your nephew was in intensive care. If you honestly can’t dig deep to say ‘so glad he is home’ then your really fucked.

There are two types of people.

'Isn't it lovely when' people

'I can't believe they didn't' people.

The first like nice gestures and make then when they feel it's warranted and wanted. They appreciate when people do nice things. The second do it out of duty and expect dutiful responses. They notice when people don't do it and get pissy.

It's happier being the first.

U2HasTheEdge Mon 13-Jul-20 17:02:17
It would take seconds to text 'so glad you are home'. etc.
.......
She may well do that, the op is only just home.

It's a bit soon to think of 'family rejection' too.

I hate all the 'whatsapp' stuff, if nobody responds instantly they're in the doghouse.

It has been 12 hours and op hasn't replied to a single message on this thread.

I do wonder if op and their bil & sil just have very different attitudes to things, and the 'slightly snippy' message this morning is fairly typical in the communication from one side. When I had my babies I didn't keep count of who had messaged and phoned and who hadn't. I had so much else going on that it was irrelevant to me.

Some people are quite frankly just crap and rubbish at stuff like this, they might be busy BUT it takes 20 seconds to send a quick "pleased to hear you're going home, thinking of you" text.

My DSis is completely uninterested in most things, I suspect she's ASD (I have 20yrs experience working with young people with ASD and she has a lot of traits) but she's also extremely introverted, lacks social skills and can only focus on herself.

My DSil is just very spoilt, self centred and behaves like a brat. She's immature, and only shows interest if it's about her. She was obsessed with our DS when he was born but now has a new BFF who she's obsessed with in an unhealthy way, and refers to her children as her niece and nephew now. She shows absolutely zero interest in my beautiful DS anymore even though he worships her still. It breaks my heart and I find it so hurtful.

Luckily he has Grandparents who adore him.

You've just got to concentrate on the people who do care. Sorry, I understand it's very hurtful.

@OneForMeToo

I don’t consider my husbands siblings kids my nieces or nephews. If we split I’d never see them again so nope I wouldn’t be too invested. I’d be glad the baby was here and was fine but I’ll see you and the baby when I see you. I expect my husband to send the congratulations and such.

Absolutely! DH's siblings children are not my nieces and nephews, not by a long way. I am not emotionally invested in them and wouldn't want a relationship with them independently to DH. I would hugely resent being made to feel contact with them was my responsibility.

It would take seconds to text 'so glad you are home'. etc

According to the OP they were only discharged last night. She posted at 6.27 this morning and has not been back. Not sure exactly when between last night and 6.27 the SiL was supposed to contact her DH's SiL.

People are different, life is a lot easier when you accept that rather than expect everyone to communicate just like you.

Have you had a reply?

@Sataypan

Personally, I would hate that level of pressure to respond and like and comment in a WhatsApp group. It would make me very anxious and I’d hate it. Maybe the SIL is like that

This is what the problem is ^ so many people are so focused on how they would feel pressured, they^ maybe busy - so self absorbed.

A brand newborn baby who is your nephew was in intensive care. If you honestly can’t dig deep to say ‘so glad he is home’ then your really fucked.

But I wouldn’t view that baby as MY nephew. He’s DH nephew and it would be up to DH to keep in touch with his brother.

No harm to the wife, but I’m just not interested. I’ve been burnt before after a divorce and I would never put myself through that again.

The SIL sent a congrats. Why is the focus on her and not on the BIL. He hasn’t bothered either, and he’s the blood relation.

If I had a DH. I mean.

I have a DP. We have been together over 2 years. I’m not in any family group chats and neither his brother or the brother’s Wife have my mobile number. If DP wants to keep in contact with them, that is up to him to organise, drive and be in charge of. Just as I manage my relationship with my brothers. I don’t have their wives numbers either.

Yeah that’s not good enough

A brand newborn baby who is your nephew was in intensive care. If you honestly can’t dig deep to say ‘so glad he is home’ then your really fucked.

And on the flip side from someone who had a baby in ICU for months, once I got them home the absolute last thing I wanted was anyone (and I mean anyone) contacting me or messaging me. I would have thought it was intrusive and overstepping, even a message, as to me it was ‘obvious’ we just needed total time alone without interruption or distraction of any sort to settle in. If I wanted peoples contact I would have let people know and I did when ready.

@HoppingPavlova

A brand newborn baby who is your nephew was in intensive care. If you honestly can’t dig deep to say ‘so glad he is home’ then your really fucked.

And on the flip side from someone who had a baby in ICU for months, once I got them home the absolute last thing I wanted was anyone (and I mean anyone) contacting me or messaging me. I would have thought it was intrusive and overstepping, even a message, as to me it was ‘obvious’ we just needed total time alone without interruption or distraction of any sort to settle in. If I wanted peoples contact I would have let people know and I did when ready.

but everyone is different, as has been repeated so often in this thread. Perhaps you wanted to be left utterly alone, but the OP has been sharing pictures and info from ICU - she's actively trying to make contact. Reaching out to her would be the right thing to do.

I think that's one interpretation of putting updates and pictures on the family WhatsApp, @ladycarlotta -- another way of reading it would be that it's a way of making sure everyone has the necessary information so they don't need to keep getting in contact to ask. I know that was why I posted regularly to a WhatsApp when there was a serious family illness.

Surprised your DH hasnt heard from his own brother during this time. Seems odd in itself....