Not heard from SiL or BiL despite our DS being in ICU

[Sausages83]

We gave birth to our beautiful DS early last week and he went straight into ICU due to a difficult birth and needing constant monitoring. We haven't left his side- it's been a stressful, amazing ride so far full of happiness and worry. We left ICU last night and spend our first night home as a family- blissful. We haven't heard once from my DH's brother, or his wife, since the day I gave birth (received a congratulations message) . We have a family WhatsApp group (which includes DH's mother) where we have updated regularly with pictures and bits of info, including the amazing news we were finally discharged last night. Nothing from them. They are much younger than us, and two children of their own, once is only a few months old. So they're busy and I understand that. But I have been a constant support and source of love (for my SiL in particular, especially when the second was born), I checked in regularly, showed her how much I cared, always asked how she and her new arrival was. Every single update and picture they sent to the family WhatsApp, I acknowledged and responded to. So to hear nothing from them is hurtful and actually really p*sses me off. I messaged SiL this morning, a slightly curt message- 'hey, what's up? Me and DH not heard from you or BiL since day of birth- why?' AIBU to expect apology and explanation, and also AIBU to feel let down?

[Evelefteden]

But is not wrong that my SIL are my brothers wives not my friends nor that DPs brother’s wife is not my friend. Everyone has different relationships. The SIL may not feel close to the OP

But this post isn’t about you or your relationship with your sil. The op clearly shows she had a close loving supportive relationship with her sil especially since she had her second child. I’m very close to my sil. We are friends independently regardless who are husbands are.

[Giningit]

OP. You are working yourself up over this and it might not end well. Just relax, ignore them and enjoy time with your new baby. Have some perspective and think about your priorities right now.

[CrowdedHouseinQuarantine]

best wishes op.
i would say their lives are busy
they are maybe fearful of your situation. dont have the words to express.
put it behind you and enjoy your lo

[Mydogisthebestest]

@Evelefteden

But is not wrong that my SIL are my brothers wives not my friends nor that DPs brother’s wife is not my friend. Everyone has different relationships. The SIL may not feel close to the OP

But this post isn’t about you or your relationship with your sil. The op clearly shows she had a close loving supportive relationship with her sil especially since she had her second child. I’m very close to my sil. We are friends independently regardless who are husbands are.

It doesn’t. It shows that the op messaged the SIL a lot, but it doesn’t show that the SIL felt close to the op.

[NoSauce]

It is a bit rubbish. Without knowing them they would hazard a guess that they’re swamped down with their own life/kids and probably didn’t even register your messages on WhatsApp. Or they’re selfish and dgaf.

Only you can call which one it’s likely to be OP.

Don’t let this grow in your mind. Enjoy your new baby and let it go.

[Bemorechicken]

Maybe they thought you needed some time at home without interference.

So you sent a passive/ agressive message to your SIL? Not nice. She has a newborn and another child, and maybe she has loads of issues going on that you don't know about. But because she didn't respond in the way you wanted, within the time frame you wanted you sent her a message. Why do people do this? What about him? Pick up the phone and say "We are home. Would love to talk to you and please can we catch up"
I appreciate you have been through a stressful time -but I think you are taking that stress out on them.

My brother (a doctor)'s baby at the time she was born I sent congratulations -but then she contracted swine flu -I had a newborn and my own issues -I left them to it. Because they needed to be at the hospital 24/7 -when they came out we all agreed as a family that my parents would contact them one day, us the next ,my sister the third etc so as not to overwhelm them with their poorly baby.

[Anordinarymum]

@Ignoble

Congratulations on getting your baby home. Maybe they have their own stuff going on. Maybe they feel that as you’re updating a family WhatsApp group with regular information, they know what’s going on with your baby’s health and don’t want to take up your time with messaging when you’re worried and preoccupied. Maybe your continual messaging when their baby was new felt intrusive to them so they’re giving you space?

You’re obviously in a better position to know the likely reason.

Yes, this is what I was thinking

[Evelefteden]

@AlternativePerspective

TBH I don’t quite understand this need for constant communication just because we live in a digital age. Presumably others on the group might have been responding, so SIL responding as well is just entering into the world of platitude for the sake of it. Let’s bear in mind that people often say things like “thinking of you” on public groups because everyone else is saying it so they don’t want to be seen to not be, iyswim.

There are also other possibilities.. My DP has muted his family WhatsApp group because if he didn’t it would be notifying constantly. He checks it once a week and there are generally somewhere in the region of 300 messages. So it’s possible BIL and SIL might not even be looking at the group.

Also, in another situation, I had a FB friend who posted continual updates when she was pregnant. Along the lines of “oh I have just drunk a coffee and the bump is soooo happy/bumpy is doing backflips today/bumpy obviously likes chocolate” you get the gist. The upshot though was that so many people got fed up of reading all about it that they hid her posts on FB. However, when the baby was born he too was seriously ill and rushed into ICU, but because so many people had stopped reading her posts they had no idea. So to her it would have seemed as if her friends didn’t care, when in fact they were oblivious.

Not saying that you are like this OP, but that there could be a multitude of reasons why SIL hasn’t been in touch, and she doesn’t owe you an apology for not being.

I honestly don’t know what the fuck is up with some people.

Alternative your dp getting pissed off because his watsap is pinging because of his family chat is nothing like OP baby being in intensive care unit and having zero response from family members who she has been supporting recently herself.

[Ignoble]

@Evelefteden, I don’t think the OP’s post necessarily demonstrates a ‘close and loving’ relationship with her SIL. The OP says she was a ‘support and constant source of love’ for her SIL, and did ‘regular check-ins’ about how her newborn was, but we don’t know the SIL appreciated this. My SIL would probably have said similar, because she thinks this is what you do to express love/friendship, but it really doesn’t work for me, and I had to ask her to rein it in.

[Evelefteden]

[quote Ignoble]@Evelefteden, I don’t think the OP’s post necessarily demonstrates a ‘close and loving’ relationship with her SIL. The OP says she was a ‘support and constant source of love’ for her SIL, and did ‘regular check-ins’ about how her newborn was, but we don’t know the SIL appreciated this. My SIL would probably have said similar, because she thinks this is what you do to express love/friendship, but it really doesn’t work for me, and I had to ask her to rein it in.[/quote]
Well aren’t you a peach

[Mydogisthebestest]

[quote Ignoble]@Evelefteden, I don’t think the OP’s post necessarily demonstrates a ‘close and loving’ relationship with her SIL. The OP says she was a ‘support and constant source of love’ for her SIL, and did ‘regular check-ins’ about how her newborn was, but we don’t know the SIL appreciated this. My SIL would probably have said similar, because she thinks this is what you do to express love/friendship, but it really doesn’t work for me, and I had to ask her to rein it in.[/quote]
I agree with this 100%. The op equates showing love by doing what she thinks is the right thing, but the SIL may not feel the same (I wouldn’t like it - it would stress me out massively and make me anxious if someone I wasn’t close to was messaging all the time).

[Charleyhorses]

May be they found the constant attention too much when they had new born and thought they are doing you a favour? If they congratulated you when dc was born and baby has been poorly it seems reasonable to me.

[Quartz2208]

I hope your DS is on the mend and congratulations

I think your DH should be contacting his brother.

Taking a deep breath as well might help because different people handle these things differently

[IsItGinOclock1]

Evelefteden I read it to the end, looks like a very one sided friendship. If the message read “we are really good friends and do a lot together/normally speak everyday so I don’t know why she hasn’t messaged“ then fine, but what op described was all one sided her checking in, her replying to every single post when her sil had a baby.

[AlternativePerspective]

@ Evelefteden no of course it’s not the same. But truth is that if something happened within the wider family while DP has it muted he wouldn’t know. Because unfortunately people all too often only use these groups to communicate with each other and if you don’t see it on the group then you aren’t aware of it.

So if e.g. the BIL/SIL had the group muted for other reasons and the rest of their family aren’t in touch other than on the group, they could be totally oblivious to what has been going on.

[Lockdownseperation]

@Undervaluedandsad

Perhaps they felt you were too busy to deal with questions and comments at the moment and were waiting for a more appropriate time. We all have different styles of communication. It doesn’t mean they don’t care.

This was my thought too. I would imagine they are wanting to give you space now you are finally at home with your baby.

I’m sorry but I think you have over reacted here. Try to see the bigger picture. You don’t want to cause family tensions and remember bringing your baby home this way.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

[Atadaddicted]

* that they’re swamped down with their own life/kids and probably didn’t even register your messages on WhatsApp.*

Oh come on
They have two children
Two parents
And this is a new baby to immediate family

It really doesn’t take ten seconds to drop a message
I bet they’ve had ten seconds to watch TV / browse the net / pick their nose

[Flynn999]

If they have a newborn themselves they may have felt that people constantly messaging them when they had the baby was stressful when all they wanted was to be left alone, they may be applying the same logic to you. Their baby may not be sleeping well, combined with that another child and potential home working they may just be struggling with everything.

You’ve updated the family WhatsApp group so they know you and the baby are home. They may just be trying to give you the space they may have initially wanted.

I think your reading to much into things. Just relax and enjoy your baby. Maybe send a personal message to either of them, and ask how they are getting on? Maybe they are struggling and finding that your arrival has taken the ‘shine’ of their baby?

[NoMoreMuchin]

Congratulations on your baby OP.

When I was in hospital with my DS after birth I was completely overwhelmed by texts pinging in asking for updates.... And tbh I would probably leave any new mum alone in hospital and for her first few days at home as what I really needed at the time was peace and quiet to snuggle with the baby and my DH. It wouldn't for a moment mean I didn't care.

Secondly I didn't get the birth or first few days I had hoped for due to emergency section and poorly baby, and I was, in retrospect, quite upset and angry about this but couldn't express it because I was also very relieved my baby was OK.... So I got shit care from people who then saved my baby.

Added to this the first week postnatally was hormone soup for me and my anger did tend to come out sideways.... I shouted at a delivery driver who woke us up asking us to sign for something for next door which is very unlike me. Maybe keep that in mind

[Mydogisthebestest]

@Atadaddicted

* that they’re swamped down with their own life/kids and probably didn’t even register your messages on WhatsApp.*

Oh come on
They have two children
Two parents
And this is a new baby to immediate family

It really doesn’t take ten seconds to drop a message
I bet they’ve had ten seconds to watch TV / browse the net / pick their nose

But why is it the SIL being held responsible and not the. BIL?

I had this when I was married, it was expected that I do all the running in the family relationships with my then husband’s family. I would never do it again. They’re not my family and they have all kinds of historic ingrained dynamics I’m not a part of. It’s not my job to facilitate dp’s relationship with his SIL for eg.

[CatteStreet]

'I also think you should see if your hospital does post birth counselling, because things with your baby have been very difficult and I think you might be projecting your fear and worry over your baby onto your SIL and BIL as a distraction. '

This.

This is an odd thing to be focusing on, to this extent, at a time like this. Alongside that, your phrasing jumped out at me 'it's been a stressful, amazing ride so far full of happiness and worry. We left ICU last night and spend our first night home as a family- blissful.' You'd be entirely forgiven for not being in 'bliss' right now - for being exhausted and bewildered and rather overwhelmed. I wonder (said gently) whether you are projecting the entirely normal and healthy negative component of your feelings around the birth and the last few days onto your ILs so you can retain the post-birth bliss in isolation, as what you feel you should be feeling/what your birth and immediate post-birth experience have taken away from you?

I think the support you may need in coming to terms with this traumatic experience may be deeper and longer-term than WhatsApp likes, and so I would, if I were you, remove your emotional energy from this and focus on letting yourself feel whatever you need to feel and making sure there is that longer-term support in place.

[fiadhflower]

Wow, I cannot imagine a situation where a family member was in intensive care and I didn’t acknowledge it, let alone a brand new baby. They might have been busy, they might not have wanted to overwhelm you, but god just saying “we’re thinking of you” in the family group wouldn’t take much time and could have been easily ignored if the Op was feeling overwhelmed.

[SecularPanic]

I've been in a similar position. Some friends and family really can't deal with it, or don't know what to say, so say nothing. Disappointing.

[BlindAssassin1]

This is all very wife-worky isn't. Its the modern day version of writing endless thank you notes on pretty paper and the reason why we have avoided What's App.

The SIL has a very young baby, and another child. It doesn't mean she doesn't care if she doesn't reply to endless messages. It doesn't mean she isn't thinking of the new baby, and will be glad the baby is home and well.

TBH if I received a snippy message at 6 in the morning, when I'd probably been up in the night with feeding, I would not be impressed, and I'd leave it entirely to DH to deal with his brother.

[jessstan2]

You heard from them on the day, a congratulations message. They will be in touch soon, it probably doesn't seem very long to them since you gave birth, time passes so quickly. You seem to have been busy 'whatsaqpping' :-) so if they bother with that, they'll know what's going on. I daresay they don't want to overwhelm you.

What did you expect?

Congratulations