Not heard from SiL or BiL despite our DS being in ICU

[Sausages83]

We gave birth to our beautiful DS early last week and he went straight into ICU due to a difficult birth and needing constant monitoring. We haven't left his side- it's been a stressful, amazing ride so far full of happiness and worry. We left ICU last night and spend our first night home as a family- blissful. We haven't heard once from my DH's brother, or his wife, since the day I gave birth (received a congratulations message) . We have a family WhatsApp group (which includes DH's mother) where we have updated regularly with pictures and bits of info, including the amazing news we were finally discharged last night. Nothing from them. They are much younger than us, and two children of their own, once is only a few months old. So they're busy and I understand that. But I have been a constant support and source of love (for my SiL in particular, especially when the second was born), I checked in regularly, showed her how much I cared, always asked how she and her new arrival was. Every single update and picture they sent to the family WhatsApp, I acknowledged and responded to. So to hear nothing from them is hurtful and actually really p*sses me off. I messaged SiL this morning, a slightly curt message- 'hey, what's up? Me and DH not heard from you or BiL since day of birth- why?' AIBU to expect apology and explanation, and also AIBU to feel let down?

[diddl]

It would have been great if they had said that they are pleased that your son is home.

Perhaps she/they will message individually when they have the chance. Or perhaps not now after your rude message.

maybe all your messaging was far too much when theirs were first born and they didn't want to do the same to you.

You come across as very intense and needy.

[jessstan2]

By the way, what's with the 'we' gave birth? You gave birth!

[Instatwat]

@Charleyhorses

May be they found the constant attention too much when they had new born and thought they are doing you a favour? If they congratulated you when dc was born and baby has been poorly it seems reasonable to me.

This. I had a friend that sent loads of messages when our daughter was seriously ill/died. Even though most of them technically didn’t need a response, I found it overwhelming and intrusive (I know she didn’t mean it that way). Consequently if I know someone going through a hard time now, I’m much much more likely to just leave them alone. In your situation I’d probably wait til you were at home and then message. But you’ve already sent a snippy reply now 🤷🏻‍♀️

[MintyMabel]

Ironic the OP is always on and texting people, that's how she is, but she drops this post and disappears.

[DuineArBith]

I have been a constant support and source of love (for my SiL in particular, especially when the second was born), I checked in regularly, showed her how much I cared, always asked how she and her new arrival was.

But you had no children, she has two very young children. It's a very different context. She may also have been aware that she found it a bit much being constantly texted when she had just given birth and decided to back off a bit.

[C8H10N4O2]

You give love and support to give it, not to get it

^This

People are different, I find your level of messaging overwhelming at very difficult times - perhaps your iLs are the same. They sent a congratulations, then made no demands on you whilst you were in ICU but made do with the updates on the family group.

I messaged SiL this morning, a slightly curt message

Why is contact your DH's SiL's responsibility rather than his brothers?

[Nibblingoncrumpets]

I don’t think you are projecting or being unreasonable. You’ve been through the mill and expected support from ostensibly close family who you have supported. You did not receive said support and are baffled and disappointed. It’s difficult for people to get it unless they have had a sick child; I have, and I understand fully how you feel. This has probably been the scariest time in your life and you feel let down. That’s your right. I think best to be honest as you have done and ask them why, see what they say.

[HannahStern]

But why is it the SIL being held responsible and not the. BIL?

I had this when I was married, it was expected that I do all the running in the family relationships with my then husband’s family. I would never do it again. They’re not my family and they have all kinds of historic ingrained dynamics I’m not a part of. It’s not my job to facilitate dp’s relationship with his SIL for eg.

This.

[Happydinosaur53]

What a load of nonsense about BIL/SIL being too busy or giving you space. It takes less than a minute to send a message and the recipient doesn't have to respond immediately. They just don't care as much about your child as much as you do. You really do learn who cares about you and who doesn't when after your first baby is born. Even less people care about subsequent births. Don't waste this precious time worrying about others. You won't get this time back. Concentrate on your beautiful baby and lean on those who are there for you. Congratulations.

[HoppingPavlova]

I find your response a bit odd. One of mine required immediate major surgery when born, extremely sick, in ICU, a complete roller coaster for months. The last thing I needed was people messaging me, well meaning or otherwise. One relative was given updates when suitable for us and they then did group updates to family and friends and everyone dealt with them. Two people ignored their request to act in this manner and kept messaging me, neither survived as friends.

I’m also guessing when you advised you were home, they thought they would give you a bit of space to settle in with no other distractions before messaging. Bet they are pretty shocked at the message they received at this point.

[C8H10N4O2]

It’s difficult for people to get it unless they have had a sick child; I have, and I understand fully how you feel.

I also spent the first week's of DC1's life in ICU. I still find over messaging overwhelming and frankly am grateful Whatsapp and obsessive real time messaging didn't exist at the time.

People are simply different.

[Instatwat]

It’s difficult for people to get it unless they have had a sick child; I have, and I understand fully how you feel.

Nope. I’ve been there and absolutely did NOT want people messaging me. Even “thinking of you x” was unwanted (I’d have never let the sender know... I know it came from a good place but I felt under pressure to reply or say thank you or something, and I just didn’t have the capacity. Especially for people who sent the same/similar on several occasions over the week we were in hospital).

[EdersonsSmileyTattoo]

I agree with others who have asked if your DH has been in touch with his brother? I’m not quite sure why he isn’t speaking to his brother about it, and you’re focussing on and having a pop at his wife.

Congratulations on your DS 😊

[Nibblingoncrumpets]

I stand corrected! But I understand that OP feels this way, and that’s what’s important here.

[Stitchhelp]

* Ironic the OP is always on and texting people, that's how she is, but she drops this post and disappears.*

She has a newborn just out of ICU FGS

[Stitchhelp]

And you really put contacting family post birth in the same bucket as posting on mumsnet?

[Zhampagne]

YABVU but it is understandable in the circumstances. Let your DH liaise with your brother and focus on your baby. Congratulations

[Beautiful3]

Why didn't you get husband to talk with his brother instead? Why target sil? My husbands family expect me to facilitate all communications and cards. I stopped doing this a few years ago. After some forgotten/late cards from husband, his family continued to send him and the children cards but not me! Which doesnt bother me! But interesting to note, who they automatically blame! So please don't make this a petty blaming row. Get your husband to talk with his brother instead. They already said congratulations and are seeing the updates on WhatsApp. So in their eyes they feel like they already know what's going on. Last thing they want to do is annoy you, with messages during a busy and stressful time.

[MintyMabel]

It’s difficult for people to get it unless they have had a sick child; I have, and I understand fully how you feel.
I have too. 6 weeks in neonatal. I couldn't have been arsed with someone constantly texting to see how we were. That's the exact opposite of supportive.

She has a newborn just out of ICU FGS
In which case, she should understand people have lots of good reasons not to be sending several messages. And perhaps if her time is so short, posting on MN isn't a good idea?

[Nibblingoncrumpets]

In which case, she should understand people have lots of good reasons not to be sending several messages. And perhaps if her time is so short, posting on MN isn't a good idea?

How unkind

[PsuedoSatisfactionBaby]

They congratulated you and you have been keeping everyone up to date on the family WhatsApp. My guess is they know what a stressful time it has been for you and didn’t want to bombard you with messages. In your situation, I couldn’t have coped with lots of messages from well-wishers as I would have felt it created an expectation on me of replying when in actual fact I had more pressing matters to deal with.

Your message to her was horrid and I would have been really upset to receive this. I would either not respond to it at all or sent you an equally curt message back. You don’t know what is going on in their lives.

[MintyMabel]

How unkind

Because I'm bothered about your opinion?

[zingally]

Don't let bitter thoughts about a non-blood relative tarnish your memories of this special time with your newborn.

Let it go, and just concentrate on basking in your baby.

Congratulations!!

[DonutCone]

Tbh this really does smack of wife work for me. This is OP's husband's brother's wife... Yet she is the on getting snippy messages. You have constantly updated them both in the group, but the person actually related to your child is apparently fine to not reply. But the woman who also has a new baby must reply, constantly.

[ERest]

They might just want to give you some space while you are dealing with the height of the illness.