Not heard from SiL or BiL despite our DS being in ICU

[Sausages83]

We gave birth to our beautiful DS early last week and he went straight into ICU due to a difficult birth and needing constant monitoring. We haven't left his side- it's been a stressful, amazing ride so far full of happiness and worry. We left ICU last night and spend our first night home as a family- blissful. We haven't heard once from my DH's brother, or his wife, since the day I gave birth (received a congratulations message) . We have a family WhatsApp group (which includes DH's mother) where we have updated regularly with pictures and bits of info, including the amazing news we were finally discharged last night. Nothing from them. They are much younger than us, and two children of their own, once is only a few months old. So they're busy and I understand that. But I have been a constant support and source of love (for my SiL in particular, especially when the second was born), I checked in regularly, showed her how much I cared, always asked how she and her new arrival was. Every single update and picture they sent to the family WhatsApp, I acknowledged and responded to. So to hear nothing from them is hurtful and actually really p*sses me off. I messaged SiL this morning, a slightly curt message- 'hey, what's up? Me and DH not heard from you or BiL since day of birth- why?' AIBU to expect apology and explanation, and also AIBU to feel let down?

[Quarantimespringclean]

If friends or family are having a crisis I try hard not to intrude. I know from personal experience how hard it is to take call after call about a horrible situation and have to keep repeating the same thing over and over and deal with other people’s distress at the end of a phone.

For me WhatsApp has been a boon - one person can keep an entire family or friendship group informed and it takes a lot of pressure off the people who are having problems.

Don’t assume they don’t care because they haven’t been in touch with you directly. And realistically while your D.C. was in hospital they probably couldn’t offer much in the way of practical support. Hopefully now you are home things will get back to normal.

It’s such good news you have your DS at home where he belongs. Don’t let what could be a simple difference of approach spoil this happy time.

[44PumpLane]

Christ OP, mountain/molehill.

You got a congratulations message on the birth of your child and you've been keeping the family up to date over WhatsApp. Your in laws may have the group chat muted, they may be going through an exhausting period with their newborn and toddler, they may not want to overwhelm you with messages (if I had family with a newborn in ICU I imagine I'd get updates through the grandparents rather than send messages as I'd assume that they would be getting lots of messages already).

I understand that your child is the most important thing in your world and its an incredibly worrying time for you at the minute, but your in laws have their own stuff going on and it doesn't warrant a curt message.

However, given you're 1 week post birth and have had a tough start I actually don't blame you and wouldn't if I was your in laws. I completely understand why you are upset, I just don't believe it's justified as an outsider looking in.

I hope everything will continue to be rosy for your little family.

[piscean10]

Yanbu and its pathetic how posters are making excuses for them.
Wouldnt have killed them to send a 'thinking of you' message.
I have been through this and theres just no excuse. Now you know where you stand op.

[Nibblingoncrumpets]

@piscean10

Agree!!!

I’m also not sure about all the “wife work” assumptions. Is it not possible that the two sister in laws have become friends and usually communicate far more than the two brothers? Seems quite natural to me for that to be the case, and therefore for OP to be more let down in the SIL, who she considers to be her friend.

[monkeymonkey2010]

It's been ONE week, you're keeping everyone constantly updated on Whatsapp, and you'd been home ONE DAY.....are you always such a drama llama?

They have two children of their own too - and it sounds to me like they gave you space that most new parents appreciate and didn't make you verbally repeat the same stuff you've been posting on Whatsapp.

[RandyLionandDirtyDog]

OP. Congratulations on the birth of your little one.

You, like millions of others, including myself and your SIL have developed your own personal set of rules around communication styles.

Unfortunately, because we’ve each made up our own rules, it’s stands to reason that some of us will share some rules whilst others interpret the same information completely differently.

There is NO RIGHT OR WRONG.

Where you interpret lack of regular texting as lack of support, I’d see it as giving you time to get settled and therefore, she’s being very supportive. On the other hand, constant texting would drive me potty and I’d be extremely annoyed by the intrusion.

You must learn to accept that other people’s rules are equally as valid as yours and it would be very wrong to make a negative assumption about someone just because they don’t follow your made-up rules.

Please consider this seriously because you’re going to be arranging play dates and other social activities with other parents in the years to come and so many relationships would be much smoother if people could accept this little foible instead of believing that their way is the only way.

[Nibblingoncrumpets]

@RandyLionandDirtyDog

I actually think your post is V sensible. The only thing I would say is that OP has her own set of rules, as you say, and she is entitled to let someone know what she personally expects or needs out of a friendship. And how she feels. If the SIL doesn’t agree that’s fine, but it’s ok to say “it has hurt my feelings that you didn’t check in with me”. Perhaps SIL will say “I saw everything was ok on the family chat and wanted to give you space” and then OP has a reasonable answer and can move on, with each understanding the other’s needs a bit better.

[ptumbi]

Funny how the OP berates her SIL/BIL for not spending any time texting her, but she can't spend any time on her own thread responding to hundreds of posters.....


Congrats on your baby.

[LakieLady]

TBH I don’t quite understand this need for constant communication just because we live in a digital age

I don't get it either, which is why I don't do FB, What'sApp or any of the rest of it, tbh. Sometimes it borders on neediness imo.

Sounds to me like your BIL/SIL are either busy or drained dealing with their own family stuff and think you may prefer to be left alone to get on with stuff, too. And I think if there is a problem, it should be sorted out brother to brother, tbh.

[Ignoble]

I think that's a fair and judicious post, @RandyLionandDirtyDog -- my SIL (and DH's family in general) have a very different brand of communication pattern/frequency to mine. She is expressing love and concern in a well-meaning way with constant phonecalls and messages, but as this made me feel harassed (in a genuine crisis, when I needed to think clearly and plan), I had to (politely) ask her to stop and explain that it wasn't having the effect she was clearly intending.

Unfortunately, it can be difficult to reconcile two completely different styles of communication on a longterm basis. For instance, while I understand SiL expects continual communication in crises, to her this would be multiple phone calls and lots of messages per day, and I simply can't commit to that.

[crikeycrumbsblimey]

Honestly some of you need to take a long hard look at how fucking nasty you are. You can comment and disagree without being so mean you know.

[BobFleming]

This is what I hate about WhatsApp groups - the militant attitude some people have over being acknowledged or responded to.

They sent their congratulations, they're busy, you're busy. Let it go and enjoy having your baby home.

[Crownduals]

Let it go and enjoy having your baby home
Wisest words on the thread

[HeeeeyDuggee]

I do think in response to the update in the family WhatsApp of we’re home they could have sent some form of reply or acknowledgment like “that’s great news”

My own interpretation of the OP was that she was upset they didn’t respond in anyway to an important update like that. It does come across as rude and uncaring. Fine they might not want to crowd her but a message like that in the family chat should get some form of response imo.

I have 3 kids (2 under2) and a busy life but always have time to send a quick response to important sounding messages in my DH family WhatsApp group especially something involving a new niece or nephew being in or out of hospital

[OldLace]

It is hard to know why?
Maybe she feels 'up to date' from your posts?
Maybe she knows how exhausting and fast the days with a newborn are and wants you to have no interruptions, esp on your precious first few days home (how lovely for you all to be together at home at last!)
Maybe she is a selfish moo who cant bear attention on you?

But, whatever the reason, I think you should switch your phone off and cuddle your amazing baby! CONGRATULATIONS on your gift.

[Phrowzunn]

This is one of those situations (like countless others I see on mumsnet and in real life!) where everyone could benefit by just cutting each other some slack. Honestly, the whole world would be a better place (and I mean that) if everyone would just give everyone else the benefit of the doubt. Why would you jump to the conclusion that they are trying to be mean/trying to upset you? You sound like my SiL (and brother) who constantly fall out with us as a family because they take offence to absolutely everything. It’s like they see the world through this negative lens and think that everything is somehow directed at them and meant to hurt them (when nothing could be further from the truth and we all end up walking on eggshells around them). It’s so strange, and what an exhausting way to live. I think it says a lot about you as a person and how you think if you have just got your precious baby out of ICU and this is your top priority. When I got my first born out of NICU, who had or had not text me while we were in there couldn’t have been further from my mind. In fact, it has only just now occurred to me (3 years later) that I’m pretty sure I didn’t hear from either sibling by text - I assume my parents were keeping them updated.

[Motoko]

I do think in response to the update in the family WhatsApp of we’re home they could have sent some form of reply or acknowledgment like “that’s great news”

But they might not have seen it yet. They have a child, and a young baby themselves, and could have been too busy to check the phone. OP only got home last night, then sent a text to SIL first thing this morning. That's only a few hours, bearing in mind they spent a lot of that time (hopefully) in bed asleep.

[NotShiny]

Perhaps you are looking for a level of involvement that they dont feel comfortable with. Just because you were constantly sending support messages, doesnt mean they feel comfortable doing the same, especially as they have young babies to deal with. When we had our babies, sil's had no input whatsoever and didnt come to see baby for 6 weeks. Everyones different. You will learn that not everyone is interested in your children.

[DotDotDotty]

Why is is SIL responsibility to keep in touch? Why does she get the passive aggressive message, but your DH's brother not?

I think let this one go, consider apologising for the message, move on and enjoy your newborn.

[MissTemple]

Why do people keep going on about why is it the SIL’s problem and wife work. It’s obvious from the original post that the OP considers herself friends with her SIL and probably expected a bit more from someone who has recently given birth. I think the fact that these are in-laws has muddied her point.

It’s possible that her friendship is not reciprocated and the SIL felt pestered. Even so a quick text when they were home and the baby was well wouldn’t have cost much.

[ladycarlotta]

I'm so confused by people saying maybe they're backing off because OP has been updating, they have all the info they need etc.

OP hasn't just had a baby, she's had to spend the first week of that baby's life in NICU. That's not normal - that's a really stressful frightening time. I think if it had all been straightforward it wouldn't have been so odd to hear nothing from BIL and SIL, but OP is going through something really hard and they should at least have sent a text along the lines of, 'please don't feel you need to reply to this, we know you have a lot going on, but we are thinking of you and hope that you and baby are doing OK.'

That's what I'd do. I'd keep my distance but let them know I was right there waiting for their cue. To totally ignore the situation seems really callous to me.

[fuzzymoon]

Dotdot because they are very friendly !

They should have sent a text. It is odd they haven't.

Anybody with an ounce of empathy in that situation would have at least text to just say I hope you and baby are ok. Thinking of you.

That's not hounding that's being kind !!!

Some really odd responses on here.

[hardboiledeggs]

Depends on whether they have been in touch with your MIL for updates? They may not have wanted to bother you. That said, a quick message to day they are thinking of you would still be nicer.

[sunflowersandtulips50]

You cant assume your SIL views you as her friend just because you reach out to her on whats app and respond to her messages about her DC.

Enjoy your new baby

[DonutCone]

Exactly. The SIL sent her messaged to the group whatsapp, not to the OP specifically, she clearly didn't crave a personalized response to each message or she wouldn't have sent them to a group.

If I were the SIL I would be asking my DH WTF this had become my problem when HIS brother had had a child. When my own SIL had a baby, I sent a congratulations message, I even sent them a card and a gift as I knew DH would never do it. But like fuck was I going to reply to ever baby photo of the whatsapp group or comment on every message. I'm just not that invested in it.