Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not heard from SiL or BiL despite our DS being in ICU

184 replies

Sausages83 · 13/07/2020 06:27

We gave birth to our beautiful DS early last week and he went straight into ICU due to a difficult birth and needing constant monitoring. We haven't left his side- it's been a stressful, amazing ride so far full of happiness and worry. We left ICU last night and spend our first night home as a family- blissful. We haven't heard once from my DH's brother, or his wife, since the day I gave birth (received a congratulations message) . We have a family WhatsApp group (which includes DH's mother) where we have updated regularly with pictures and bits of info, including the amazing news we were finally discharged last night. Nothing from them. They are much younger than us, and two children of their own, once is only a few months old. So they're busy and I understand that. But I have been a constant support and source of love (for my SiL in particular, especially when the second was born), I checked in regularly, showed her how much I cared, always asked how she and her new arrival was. Every single update and picture they sent to the family WhatsApp, I acknowledged and responded to. So to hear nothing from them is hurtful and actually really p*sses me off. I messaged SiL this morning, a slightly curt message- 'hey, what's up? Me and DH not heard from you or BiL since day of birth- why?' AIBU to expect apology and explanation, and also AIBU to feel let down?

OP posts:
HeeeeyDuggee · 13/07/2020 13:26

The other thing I find odd is all the posters who say they’re not sure why SIL would be interested or bothered it’s her DH brothers baby. Don’t you consider your husbands kids your nieces and nephews?! They’re your children’s cousins ... maybe I’m in the minority but I love all my nieces and nephews in my DH side just as much as any on my side and I always take an interest in them

ftm202020 · 13/07/2020 13:30

Maybe your DH should contact his brother. I would be annoyed if I was expected to maintain contact with my in laws and not my DH. Not really your SIL's job.

MirandaGoshawk · 13/07/2020 13:35

Congrats on bringing your baby home. Having babies in ICU is horrible, I know - my dtws were in there for 13 weeks. Please try to put these people on the back burner for now, and turn off your phone. Enjoy time together as a family - the situation with them will work itself out in time, but atm you're making it far too prominent in your life.

Therarestone · 13/07/2020 13:50

Are they just trying to give you some time to settle? Maybe they weren't comfortable with all the support you provided, some people just space, so are trying to allow you some time before they start fussing?

I have a friend who said no visitors for the first 2 weeks including grandparents, or constant questions over how baby was as they would provide any updates, maybe they think that's what you want and are trying to do the right thing

Mydogisthebestest · 13/07/2020 13:50

@HeeeeyDuggee

The other thing I find odd is all the posters who say they’re not sure why SIL would be interested or bothered it’s her DH brothers baby. Don’t you consider your husbands kids your nieces and nephews?! They’re your children’s cousins ... maybe I’m in the minority but I love all my nieces and nephews in my DH side just as much as any on my side and I always take an interest in them
My brothers’ kids are my nieces and nephews.

DPs brothers kids are his nieces and nephews.

If me and him split I would never see them again (I’ve been through that with my divorce) and it hurt me immensely that children I loved and was interested in and invested in I was cut off from.

I’m not putting myself in that position again. I’m pleasant and nice to his niece and nephew but I don’t love them like I love my own nieces and nephews.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 13/07/2020 13:59

I don’t think your message was aggressive. It was very direct but that can be a good thing. Sometimes small misunderstandings can become bug problems because no one will be straightforward and discuss them.

As long as you are prepared to accept an explanation and apology, if it’s offered, then the air will have been cleared and you can all move on. By being direct, you are giving your SiL an opportunity to put things right. If I had misjudged a situation and inadvertently given offence I would much rather know.

NotShiny · 13/07/2020 14:05

"Don’t you consider your husbands kids your nieces and nephews?!"

My husbands siblings havent had kids, but if they had, no I wouldnt be that invested in them.

"They’re your children’s cousins"

And for me, that's where it ends. Wed make sure we sent birthday a d Chrustmas money, but I wouldnt want to know that much about them.

" ... maybe I’m in the minority but I love all my nieces and nephews in my DH side just as much as any on my side and I always take an interest in them"

Everyone is different though and not all families run the same way

NoSauce · 13/07/2020 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LadyFlumpalot · 13/07/2020 14:16

It may be something or it may be nothing.

When my mum was dying my uncles family kept all communication with me through my uncle so as to not overwhelm me and so I didn't have to remember to update loads of extra people.

If you are in contact with your in-laws it may be that they are dealing with the communications and like my cousins, don't want to overwhelm you.

Difference being that I was told they would handle it this way and asked if I minded.

dairyfairies · 13/07/2020 14:18

Perhaps they felt you were too busy to deal with questions and comments at the moment and were waiting for a more appropriate time. We all have different styles of communication. It doesn’t mean they don’t care

I dunno, I don't think this is a good enough reasons. I mean who doesn't say a peep when a new family member is born esp when the circumstances are difficult.

I wouldn't overthink it though, OP. Just focus on your newborn. and Congrats Flowers

rottiemum88 · 13/07/2020 14:21

OP, the only thing you can do here is focus on your own family unit and your lovely new baby.

I read the stories time and time again on here of people torturing themselves to find answers as to why other people didn't do or say the things they expected them to. You can't control other people's actions, only your own. Maybe that makes them not such nice people, or if you think they generally are nice people, maybe they just had other things going on right now? Or didn't know what to say? It doesn't really matter either way, you can't prescribe their actions so why fret about it?

Also, it isn't really relevant what you've done for them previously. Again, that's in your own control and based on your own choice. Presumably you didn't do it at the time with an agenda?

Choose to let it go and not care, you'll honestly feel better.

Letmegetthisrightasawoman · 13/07/2020 14:21

It's shit and inexcusable. I read somewhere that not congratulating the parents of an ill/ premature baby was quite high on the list of what not to do. It sounds to me (at best) that they would rather not say anything than get it wrong. That does not make that an OK way to behave. People can be right twats when your child is ill unfortunately. I hope everything calms down for you now, and you can have a more "normal" remainder of the newborn stage. Congratulations!

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2020 14:24

@Letmegetthisrightasawoman

It's shit and inexcusable. I read somewhere that not congratulating the parents of an ill/ premature baby was quite high on the list of what not to do. It sounds to me (at best) that they would rather not say anything than get it wrong. That does not make that an OK way to behave. People can be right twats when your child is ill unfortunately. I hope everything calms down for you now, and you can have a more "normal" remainder of the newborn stage. Congratulations!
They did congratulate them.
jessstan2 · 13/07/2020 14:32

I'm sure they will be in touch again soon. They congratulated you on the birth and that was only a week ago which is no time at all! It's early days, op and there's nothing personal about it.

Gogogadgetarms · 13/07/2020 14:39

It wouldn’t take one minute to post a message “really glad to hear you are heading home”.
They just don’t care OP probably because it’s not all about them. Live and learn.

MotherofKitties · 13/07/2020 14:46

Pretty shitty behaviour on their behalf OP, but honestly, some people just don't think or don't care like you would expect them too.

My brother never asks how my daughter is (and I mean, he's never asked, not even once in 3 years), and has never once asked me how I am throughout my current pregnancy despite everything that's gone on in the world. Whilst this has upset me in the past; especially in contrast to my BIL who asks to video call my DD all the time so he can speak to her; I've come to conclusion that my brother just doesn't care enough to be bothered. It's shit (for my DD, she knows who one uncle is but not the other), but I'm not going to push a relationship between him and my DD if he can't be arsed.

I'm not saying that'll be the case in your situation, but it may be worth keeping in mind that sometimes people just don't react or interact in the way you thought they would, and try not to let it get to you. Enjoy this special time with your baby and focus on your own little family Smile

Yeahnahmum · 13/07/2020 14:50

They send you a congratulations message. They might not be people who love to get 236 updates and photos in a groupchat. I for sure wouldn't!
It's only been one week. One week! Id focus on more important things now. Like your newborn baby

Scotmummy1216 · 13/07/2020 14:54

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I dont think your being unreasonable its not difficult to send a quick message telling you that they are thinking of you and hope the wee one is ok

CheshireChat · 13/07/2020 14:56

Yeahnahmum in most cases that would be fine, but not when the baby and potentially the mum are in a bad way.

ARoseInHarlem · 13/07/2020 15:04

Congratulations on the birth of your baby!

If you were my SIL I’d find you high maintenance. I’d have found the constant communication from you when I had my babies draining and peculiar (not a source of support or love). I’d have wondered if you wanted something from me - and you clearly do. Your terse message this morning would be the permission I needed to feel no guilt in communicating with you the way I wanted to (only when I had something that needed to be said) from now on.

Not everyone is like you. Your baby is yours and nobody will love or be interested in him the way you do and are. They’ve congratulated you on his birth, which is all there is to say. I’m sure soon enough you’ll hear from them again, once they get around to it.

101jobs · 13/07/2020 15:27

@HeeeeyDuggee

The other thing I find odd is all the posters who say they’re not sure why SIL would be interested or bothered it’s her DH brothers baby. Don’t you consider your husbands kids your nieces and nephews?! They’re your children’s cousins ... maybe I’m in the minority but I love all my nieces and nephews in my DH side just as much as any on my side and I always take an interest in them
I agree with this
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2020 15:32

Anyone who has been divorced finds out if you are really family. I was dropped like a stone from DNiece's life and we were very close after my divorce. Won't be doing that again. DH's niece and nephew are great but they aren't mine.

FelicityPike · 13/07/2020 15:33

This is very outing and I don’t care.
We cut my DH’s family out of our lives because of a similar situation.
Not one of his family visited the NICU during the 9 weeks DD was in there.
They drive past the hospital entrance twice a week to go to their caravan though!
Then MIL would take my photos and post them all over her Facebook and pretend to be granny of the year.
I completely feel your pain OP.

OneForMeToo · 13/07/2020 15:38

I don’t consider my husbands siblings kids my nieces or nephews. If we split I’d never see them again so nope I wouldn’t be too invested. I’d be glad the baby was here and was fine but I’ll see you and the baby when I see you. I expect my husband to send the congratulations and such.

helpmum2003 · 13/07/2020 15:39

It may be that they feel you have enough on your plate without extra messages to reply to. I've been in the same situation and although it's nice to get messages felt stressed as felt I should be replying and didn't have the energy /time.

Don't take it personally and well done on getting home!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.