To be judging new friend over this?

[bankofpennies]

So I have a new school mum friend. We’ve really hit it off over the past 6 months, nights out, coffees, day trips etc.
Let me start by saying I cannot stand people that lie. Being truthful is very very high on my agenda.
This is such a petty thing, but I cannot stop thinking about a lie she told me and its making me feel really on edge.
It’s such a teeny tiny lie. Basically when the weather was boiling I said that I was letting the kids camp out on the trampoline overnight with me supervising. Friend said “oh we did that last week. The kids loved it”
Earlier this week I was talking to friends husband and he was saying he was desperate to book a camping trip because the kids hadn’t slept under the stars this year. I replied “well at least they had the sleepover on the trampoline”
Husband then replied “yeah we didn’t bother with that in the end. It was too cold”
I suppose I’m on edge because one, she lied and two, perhaps she doesn’t feel comfortable enough around me and wants to lie to impress.
Would you just let it go or call her out on it?
I suppose I worry because if she lies about the small stuff then she could lie about other stuff.
Fully prepared to accept I’m being over sensitive! It’s just playing on my mind.

Personally, I;d let this one go. Your call. But bankofpennies why do you assume the wife is lying and the husband telling the truth?

Where does the word ' Elevenarife!' come from and what does it mean?

Ask her about it.

I think I'd rather have a friend who maybe hadn't fully explained something (she shouldn't have to anyway) than one as judgemental as you.

I have come across people like your friend, OP, ie people who will tell lies when there is absolutely no reason or pressure to. I suspect the posters on here who are saying it's no big deal are people who are more ready to lie themselves. I understand where you are coming from. This particular lie was trivial, but it means you can never be fully sure that she was telling the truth. I wouldn't call her on it, but do bear it in mind for the future, particularly if she ever asks you for money or gives you an assurance on something important to you. I suppose it's possible that it might have been the husband who was lying, but the bragging nature of the wife's post makes me think it more likely that she was the liar.

I had a close friend that did this all the time. It’s reeks of insecurity and over time makes you think they aren’t real about anything. You can’t trust what they say.

Benefit of the doubt this time but if it carries on I’d either say something or ditch. I callEd my friend out every time and they typically said they “ got confused’ or misheard or something. They do it way less now they can’t get away with making stuff up.

Maybe you misheard or misunderstood either your friend or her husband, or maybe one of them got mixed up while chatting to you.

I know when I am chatting in an animated way, and trying to keep an eye on kids, I might miss out a detail or mean to say something and forget, either because I don't want to drone on too much or I might get distracted and lose the thread of what I am saying.

I would hate it if a friend I enjoyed chatting with was scrutinising my every word in this way.

Just mention it again and see what she says,if she lies say (oh well I thought I Hurd your dh say you hadn’t bothered) then wait for the reply

You've known her 6 months (and there was lockdown in between, so not many chances to meet up in person for a sizeable chunk of those 6 months). Just let the friendship fade if you feel you can't trust her.

Personally I think you're massively overreacting, and it seems more a misunderstanding than an outright lie anyway.

I’m not going to cut her out of my life because of this. Well not just yet anyway.
Just found it an odd thing to lie about.
And yes it could be the husband lying about it.
Oh well, not going to dwell anymore on it.
She’s been an acquaintance over the past few years, but only got super close when our kids went into a class together in September.
And I understand about white lies to save other people’s feelings, I think it was just the lie that I found bizarre.

There are so many issues here and they are not necessarily hers. I regularly do things with DC that I may not have thought to mention to dp. Funnily enough a similar thing, this time over a bbq, we tried to do it in a Sunday evening but got rained off so I did it when he was away in the week. There are a hundred reasons for the discrepency. Or ok maybe she did exaggerate to people please...its hardly the lie of the century.

I used to work in a particularly therapeutic scenario that specifically dealt with a lot of lying. In early days the people I worked with became as hard line and judgemental about lying as you come across . The reason for this is they knew they were unable to have the awareness to understand the difference between social support and an outright lie because they had experienced it or done it extensively themselves. They didnt trust themselves to tell the difference and understand the social nuances .They also , for a variety of reasons had a need to judge others (a genuine psychological reason for this if albeit not healthy) for a period of time and the inability to truly tell what's appropriate and what was not. So they often picked lying because to the world at large liars are bad truth is good.

Of course it always fell apart. It was a childish response to a complex issue which they usually realised and started some serious work on themselves.

So , your blanket rule and over the top requirement for people to prove themselves to you unfortunately is a sign you may need some further support, you are searching for proof you have been "betrayed". That is incredibly unhealthy.

Everybody lies, even you OP. It’s a basic human flaw. I think you’re very hypocritical to judge her.

I agree with half lie, your friend might have wanted to be positive so she didn't put a downer on the camping you were about to do. Afterall would you have preferred to moan about it when you had just said you were going to do it? Sounds like your friend was making it fun and positive and didnt want to say well actually its shit, it was freezing and we went in.
Far too much going on in life to care about this stuff, are you usually so touchy?

Awh she probably just wants to impress you or maybe try keep up with you in some way! I feel sad for her.

'I’m not going to cut her out of my life because of this. Well not just yet anyway.'
She may cut you out first for being so pedantic and uptight...who knows

You sound like hard work, OP. I wouldn’t be interested in a friendship with someone like you.

I wouldn't say anything to her, but I would bring up the subject when the children are around and you're all together and see what they say. Just because I'd want to know the truth!

It's bizarre because you think it's a lie. Think it as a small talk. You do that with people, don't you? Just agree with something because that's polite things to do.
Tbh, she did or did not camp out doesn't affect you. I don't like people who lies. But this is not something that I would get worked up about.

Maybe he was away or busy or not engaged when she did it with the kids. Or maybe it was partly abandoned partway though

They probably did start the night camping out but then went indoors when it got cold, so not a total lie if that was the case.

I told a school mum friend the other day that our children had gone to their grandparents so we couldn’t join them at the local park, truth is it was late afternoon and I couldn’t be arsed going! Wonder if she’ll post on mumsnet if I slip up next time I see her...

Yea that would make sense says she did it (because it is clear they started it) remembers then having said it went badly and was too cold. Thinks oh god don’t want to put you off and quickly says something

Maybe she didn’t sleep and it was agreed not to repeat

This could be one of those times where she said “Yh we did that” as a reaction because they did, but then couldn’t be bothered to go on about the ins and outs of how cold it was and the drama of getting all the quilts back upstairs because it was too cold ect, not a lie just not worth explaining really

I'm staggered that you're considering
A) "calling her out". What? Actually confront her with evidence and alleged statements from her dh. Like Miss Marple?
Your poor friend will be cringing inside out.

And B) cutting her out of your life?

This is so over dramatic.
You can't hold casual friendships up to impossible standards like this.

@OldEvilOwl

Can you honestly say that you never elaborate or tell a white lie OP? Surely everyone does it occasionally

A white lie, to save someone’s feelings, yes. Otherwise, no, of course now.