To be judging new friend over this?

[bankofpennies]

So I have a new school mum friend. We’ve really hit it off over the past 6 months, nights out, coffees, day trips etc.
Let me start by saying I cannot stand people that lie. Being truthful is very very high on my agenda.
This is such a petty thing, but I cannot stop thinking about a lie she told me and its making me feel really on edge.
It’s such a teeny tiny lie. Basically when the weather was boiling I said that I was letting the kids camp out on the trampoline overnight with me supervising. Friend said “oh we did that last week. The kids loved it”
Earlier this week I was talking to friends husband and he was saying he was desperate to book a camping trip because the kids hadn’t slept under the stars this year. I replied “well at least they had the sleepover on the trampoline”
Husband then replied “yeah we didn’t bother with that in the end. It was too cold”
I suppose I’m on edge because one, she lied and two, perhaps she doesn’t feel comfortable enough around me and wants to lie to impress.
Would you just let it go or call her out on it?
I suppose I worry because if she lies about the small stuff then she could lie about other stuff.
Fully prepared to accept I’m being over sensitive! It’s just playing on my mind.

She said they woke up at 5am under the sun. He said they came in at 11pm.

I would register this but would never bring it up with her. Suspect she does this kind of little fabrications all the time. Don’t get too close.

I had a friend that lied. She even admitted it to me so I was aware, but put it down to a compulsion. In other ways, she was really a person I enjoyed. So I had two rules; don’t lie to me and don’t lie about me. She did both constantly and it eventually destroyed our friendship.

YABU. She didn't lie exactly, she just didn't give all the details. She went camping with the kids in the garden, but ended up cutting their night under the stars short because it was too cold. You are nitpicking over a really small detail here.

and as for posters saying 'it's a red flag'. Why is the matter with you?

The fact that the husband confirmed there was intent to sleep outside indicates to me it wasnt a lie but rather they are describing two different scenarios. Eg, she might have meant they tried, kids loved it but it got so cold they had to come in.
He might have meant they tried it but had to come in as too cold- therefore neither is a lie, they are just highlighting different parts of the evening/night.

If he had said "what? we dont even own a tent/trampoline" etc then i'd be inclined to agree it was weird.

I also think you are a bit odd nitpicking this insignificant thing to death aswell tbh. It really doesnt matter and she might not have even lied at all! As others have said, maybe she didnt want to piss on your fireworks by saying "yes we tried it, but it was freezing and horrible". I'm sorry but you arent going to keep friends if you are questioning them on every tiny detail they mention. Thats weird.

Are you looking to marry and start a family with them or just pursue and continue an acquaintanceship with a school mum. After six months, this is the extent of your concern. It might be helpful not to lose perspective.

Also- maybe the husband went in at 11 as he was cold but they stayed until 5?
There are SO many different versions of what might have happened that dont make her an instant "liar"

@bankofpennies

Not sure. Husband just said they didn’t bother with it as it was too cold. But she said they did it and the kids loved it. In fact she even commented that they woke up at 5am when the sun came up.

That’s not two versions of the same story; one of these is blatantly false.

@Davodia

She’s an Elevenarife! Everything you do, she’s done better. If you’ve been to Tenarife she’s been to Elevenarife. It wouldn’t end the friendship for me but I’d make a note to take her with a pinch of salt.

Elevenarife - that's brilliant! I'm keeping that

Nothing germaine to add - but Davodia you did make me laugh! Thank you, have a new word for these folk now.

Sorry, germane.

bankofpennies this would raise red flags that this person can't be trusted too.

But - just a thought - could it be the husband that's telling fibs?

Or, maybe HE went in as it got cold and the rest stayed out but he's so self absorbed that, as far as he's concerned, they didn't stay out.

It can be a red flag. One of my relatives can be like this. And someone I work with is too. Lots of little lies which you can just ignore or shrug off but also some huge whoppers which have had a big impact on other people. The one I work with is constantly stirring the pot saying that people said things they didn't etc. However with both of them it's constant and compulsive and sometimes involves the most bizarre pointless things. I think it's insecurity and wanting to people please at its heart. I stay friendly but take everything they say with a pinch of salt. Am also very careful about what I say incase it gets reinterpreted.

You sound very judgy. There’s probably a legitimate reason for the two slightly differing account, even if it’s just that she feels a little insecure in the new friendship and Simply wanted to validate your suggestion and flatter you by using an example to confirm your kids will love it.
If you’ve never told a completely harmless white lie to make someone feel good or maybe just out of convenience then gosh well done.
Give her a break. Or maybe not- She would probably prefer a friend who won’t judge her for giving incorrect timings on a trampoline sleepover.

Maybe they are talking about 2 different nights. Night one, it was too cold they came in at 11pm. Second night, dad said he's not bothering because it didn't work last time, goes inside turns in Netflix, is very tired falls asleep, meanwhile mum and kids have slept out under stars. But after seeing the sun they are still tired, so head inside and to their beds. Dad wakes up on sofa, looks in on mum & kids, all in their beds. Must not have bothered again then? That's a shame, they should plan to camp properly soon.

Both parents telling the truth, no lies, they just don't tell each other absolutely everything. Or does he work the night shift?

I couldn't get worked up about this. But I would keep an eye to see if a pattern starts to emerge.

I couldn't care about this.

Can you honestly say that you never elaborate or tell a white lie OP? Surely everyone does it occasionally

Bloody hell OP give your head a wobble.

Maybe she did it year before but didn’t need to elaborate as that would be a boring long story. I hate liars too but fucking hell u sound hard work.

You sound odd

This is quite a minor lie in the scheme of things OP and I wouldn't let it ruin your friendship, just be aware that some of the things she tells you she's done may embellish the truth a little and just accept that as a quirk of her personality. It would grate on me if a friend did this, but to be honest they probably do and I just don't find out about it!

I was going to say YABU, and it's not a big deal. However on reflection, I can understand why your spidey senses might be tingling!
The initial lie didn't really bother me, if I'm being perfectly honest. It's the elaboration of the lie (the sunrise thing) that really doesn't sit comfortably with me. It suggests she's a bit of a fantasist. And you're right, if she can lie about this, then she absolutely can lie about the bigger stuff.
I would have to casually bring it up, or the uncertainty would fester.

Maybe they started camping at 6/7pm gave up and headed back inside around 10pm. Then went back outside at 5am, when they woke up? Husband never actually slept outside so said that they didn't do it?! I wouldnt assume she lied.

OP, I think it depends on what you were hoping for from the friendship.

If you felt that you'd potentially found a true like mind and a firm friend for life's then YANBU to be disappointed.

But as a school mum acquaintance to pass the time with while your DC are hanging out, it's no big deal as it's obviously her issue and not your problem.

I wouldn't be calling her out on it, but I wouldn't be getting too close to her either.

Both statements could have some truth in them; the kids loved it but the parents said it was too cold and went indoors. Hardly the worst lie.

I would store it in the back of mind, not worry too much but keep it in mind in case it happens again. It is a bit odd but there could be countless harmless reasons for bending the truth about something so minor so I wouldn’t immediately end a friendship over it. Just keep an eye.

Word of warning-I grew up with a DM who is literally obsessed with everyone being 100% truthful all of the time. It stemmed from her having been lied to in the past and cheated on and so is to some extent understandable but it’s EXHAUSTING. There is no room for nuance, not circumstances in which even a small white lie is harmless. Honesty is THE value that says everything about a person and a minor white lie means they are never to be trusted again. I am fundamentally a very honest person but in some circumstances I would tell a white lie to avoid someone being hurt, for example, with no guilt on my conscience whatsoever. I was pretty angelic when younger really but a very minor teenage transgression had my mum acting like I had ruined her life and she’s never be able to trust me again and honestly I look back and resent her hugely for it. Don’t be that person. There are often perfectly reasons for bending the truth slightly, if no one is hurt, and being so obsessed with complete transparency from everyone in your life can backfire on you.