To be judging new friend over this?

[bankofpennies]

So I have a new school mum friend. We’ve really hit it off over the past 6 months, nights out, coffees, day trips etc.
Let me start by saying I cannot stand people that lie. Being truthful is very very high on my agenda.
This is such a petty thing, but I cannot stop thinking about a lie she told me and its making me feel really on edge.
It’s such a teeny tiny lie. Basically when the weather was boiling I said that I was letting the kids camp out on the trampoline overnight with me supervising. Friend said “oh we did that last week. The kids loved it”
Earlier this week I was talking to friends husband and he was saying he was desperate to book a camping trip because the kids hadn’t slept under the stars this year. I replied “well at least they had the sleepover on the trampoline”
Husband then replied “yeah we didn’t bother with that in the end. It was too cold”
I suppose I’m on edge because one, she lied and two, perhaps she doesn’t feel comfortable enough around me and wants to lie to impress.
Would you just let it go or call her out on it?
I suppose I worry because if she lies about the small stuff then she could lie about other stuff.
Fully prepared to accept I’m being over sensitive! It’s just playing on my mind.

Maybe they are talking about 2 different nights. Night one, it was too cold they came in at 11pm. Second night, dad said he's not bothering because it didn't work last time, goes inside turns in Netflix, is very tired falls asleep, meanwhile mum and kids have slept out under stars. But after seeing the sun they are still tired, so head inside and to their beds. Dad wakes up on sofa, looks in on mum & kids, all in their beds. Must not have bothered again then? That's a shame, they should plan to camp properly soon.

Both parents telling the truth, no lies, they just don't tell each other absolutely everything. Or does he work the night shift?

I couldn't get worked up about this. But I would keep an eye to see if a pattern starts to emerge.

Totally agree with this

You said you really get on well. And even if she has lied, it's not a big deal kind of lie anyway. It wouldn't bother me that much, and I don't think she really meant to lie. More like she didn't tell you in details about what really happened. Was it better if she has told you it was cold and horrible, the kids hated it and had to abandon it in the end?

Why would you not be taking this up with her instead of asking people who are not her? You could have made a lighthearted point about this instead of making it the mountain you have.

I don't think you're compatible but your 'very, very honest' thing grates with me. You can pick and choose your friends based on whatever arbitrary fault-finding you like but that doesn't make you super-honest either.

Why are you assuming she's lying rather than him?

She’s another school mum you have a nice time with, you’re not set to marry her. I personally couldn’t get worked up about it and wouldn’t jeproadise a friendship over something so teeny.

By all means if you get to know her more and she lies constantly about everything and this was the beginning of the pattern, I can see why that might be a different story. But in isolation it seems like you’re getting worked up over something very small.

@Rainycloudyday Yep. People who constantly profess to 'hate lying' don't realise how they do it themselves or don't think what they do is lying, and their demands and expectations of others are fucking exhausting.

Maybe he went in and the others stayed outside? Maybe he was thinking of another night? Or maybe he is the one who is lying? Maybe he was embarrassed at forgetting about that night when saying he wanted a night under the stars, and he lied to cover it up? Why are you immediately assuming that he is telling the truth and his wife is the liar?

Sorry, you do sound inexplicably oversensitive and quick to condemn someone for a perceived deviation from your standards. You might find for many people, life's too short to maintain friendships where your so-called friend is waiting to pounce swiftly on any transgression.

I hate competitive lying/exaggerating. I'd be watching it

I want to know how you've managed to 'hit it off' with a school mum and have coffees, nights and day trips over the last 6 months when everywhere has been closed for the last four months.

I had a friend like this years ago - she told countless, pointless little lies. In some respects she was a good friend, but she was also a chronic boaster, of the kind who draws specific comparisons (e.g. 'I can't believe how small your garden is compared to ours!'). In the end I grew tired of it all and made no effort to keep the friendship alive.
I don't know what was behind the lying and boasting - I suspect a lack of confidence.

In my experience there's no point calling people out on these things because they just get upset and deny the lie to the point of absurdity - either let it go or let the friendship slide if the lies are a deal breaker.

My experience of new friendships is that you can't tell if it's going to last until you mutually know each other's worst defects and still want to be friends.

It is certainly a very weird lie to tell. I have heard that there are people who manage to mirror the other person's ideas and feelings back to them, making it seem like they are twin spirits.

How do you know she is lying? Her husband could be.

Walk away and save her from your drama. If you're willing to hang on to a non event like this she'll have a lucky escape

You're overthinking. It really isn't a big deal is it? Why are you so worked up about such a small thing?

If I found out that a school mum friend of a mere six months standing had been putting this much effort into analysing anything I had said, I would be backing off faster than you could say "batshit".

You sound like too much of hard work. You have over analysed this and made it a huge deal in your head, where you have judged her and already decided she isnt worthy of you.
You need to have a word with yourself.

What if her husband was lying? Bit strange to end a friendship over something like that. It’s not like she’s mugged a old lady or take drugs. YABU.

@Loquebanter

If I found out that a school mum friend of a mere six months standing had been putting this much effort into analysing anything I had said, I would be backing off faster than you could say "batshit".

Me too

Meh, she dressed up the truth a little. She's probably a people pleaser.

You told her about your plans to camp on the trampoline.

She could have said truthfully Yeah we did that it was shit and pissed all over your chips.

Friends should let any little niggles like this go. No ones perfect.

It doesn't sound like the sort of thing anyone would lie about. Maybe she didn't actually say, "Last week", but was saying they had loved doing it. Seriously, why would she lie about something like that? I'm sure if you mentioned it to her she wouldn't remember anything about saying, 'last week' and would be gobsmacked. She'd be likely to reply, "Gosh, did I really say 'last week'? Anyway I meant 'last year'; we intended to do it last week".

When people lie it's usually because they are in a tight spot or don't know how to tell someone to mind their own business if asked something awkward. Neither is the case in this instance.

If the only mum/school friends you make have to be completely honest, you aren't going to find many
Keep these friendships low key and find friends with something other than school/kids in common.

Deal with it Frozen style, OP.

I agree that this sounds like an embellishment rather than a lie. I wouldn’t be too fussed about it because it really doesn’t matter whether they did it or not.

I know other people like you OP who see the absolute truth as a virtue. It’s a hard way to live your life largely because it’s almost impossible to tell the absolute truth 100% of the time. It can be hurtful / damaging / unkind to not filter or adjust what you say to people. For example in a rant I might tell my DH (quite truthfully) that I’m bloody sick of my mums constant demands and complaints. However if my mum says to me ‘ I hope I’m not a burden to you’ I don’t say ‘yes you are and I’m sick of it.’ I say “you’re not so bad mum, I know a lot worse than you’ and that’s another truth.

If absolute truth is vital to you then you must live your life as you choose but you shouldn’t judge other people for having different values.

Different people though have different versions of the what actually happened.
Truth is a difficult concept sometimes because it can be based on personal viewpoints