to think not everyone has to like my son, but my DP should try?

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

I’m after advice re step parenting and relationships between. DC and SP

Myself, DP, DS9 live in a rented house. DP and I have been together for a year and he previously got on well with my son.

The situation as it currently is, is that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with DS and finds him irritating. I understand this is for a few reasons.

DS watches YouTube too much and it’s actually annoying hearing him talk to the TV.

When he’s allowed to play on the XBOX he stands far too close and talks to it.

He can have an attitude, not a naughty one just sassy and know it all.

He has the worst selective hearing, he doesn’t acknowledge me when I ask him to do something. He doesn’t say okay, he has about a 5 second pause before he starts to do it so I often get irritated as I think he’s ignoring me, he’s not he’s just processing it. But it winds me and DP up

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it.

So these things annoy my DP and I think he has let them get to the point where he almost doesn’t like my son. I’ve explained to him that’s kinda a dealbreaker and we have discussed how lockdown might have affected it and how we could possibly start over. We’ve discussed how the same things wind me up, but he’s my child - I love him and I deal with the fact that I hate minecraft because DS loves it. Whereas DP has to want to choose this relationship if that makes sense?

The reason this is an issue is that we are considering moving to DPs house. He owns a lovely cottage in the country however it is smaller than my house, we would have less space and I think he is concerned about DS clicking that DP doesn’t enjoy spending time with him. He is upset that he feels this way and he doesn’t want DS to pick up on it. When DS has some problems with bullies, DP was upset for him but that emotional connection appears to have dimmed a bit, I pointed out they haven’t had a cuddle in a while and DP was visibly upset.

My counter to all this was.

YouTube is a pile of shit but instead of complaining he watches too much we should give him a set day he can watch it and we should encourage other things he can watch. Ideally he wouldn’t watch too much TV but admittedly for the two hours between end of school and me finishing work, I need him to be occupied. But don’t complain about HIS choice of TV when you as the adult have the power to change that.

XBOX - nothing I say will keep him from getting so close to the TV. Deal with it

Attitude - so I actually think that DS is trying to connect with DP. When he’s sassy to me at the dinner table I think he’s got his guard up. He’s totally different with just me, but I’m his mum and I love him unconditionally. The way he is round DP is similar to how I’ve seen him at school where he’s still settling in. I don’t know how to “fix” this

Selective hearing, I think it’s an age thing and perhaps I could change how I request DS to do something.

Talking to DP about boring things. This is so bloody obvious. He’s talking to DP about stuff that DS knows about because he’s trying to connect!! Is asked DP if he offered a topic to talk about and he blanked. So...do things with DS that DP enjoys and maybe....you’ll find common ground.

The problem is that DP has expected the relationship to magically grow with no effort. I understand why he’s thought this as his only experience with kids has been his god children and he has a really good relationship. Meeting a child aged 8 and being essentially forced to have a relationship is different.

I’d like some advice on how we can both work on fostering a healthy relationship as a trio. I knows my parental failings. Is it just a case of doing some activities with DS that DP likes? How do I navigate the sassy attitude where I think DS defences are up? I worry that the damage is done and DP will never “like” DS and even if he tried to hide it children are intuitive and so as a mother I’d have to end the relationship as DS comes first.

We’ve put moving to DPs on hold until we’re at A place that we think they have a relationship that could work. I don’t want to put DS through the mill, I need to protect him from harm because that’s my job and I love him to the moon and back.

I'm glad for your son that he moved out. I'm sorry for you because it probably feels a bit shit.

Having said that, please don't move in partners until you've been together a good few years. I've known my SIL for 7 years and have met 4 partners so far. Ok yeah, one was abusive, but the others were quite nice actually, but even being nice and caring doesn't mean that it lasts. It hurts the children to keep living with men who then move out again after a year or two. So even if it's a good bloke, please take it slow.

I would definitely not move in!! The odd weekend - maybe...
Can you find somewhere to put a tv for your son to use so that you can have your space as well?
This delay thing when you talk to him - I honestly think he's probably processing what you said and is just taking a little longer to answer, if he was really being naughty he wouldn't answer at all! Just give him longer. My youngest is like this, I just wait a bit for him to reply compared to my oldest.
Anyway, all in all, I'd be trying to spend more time with my son and less time with the boyfriend who sounds like the real problem here.

One thing I would say is think carefully.
My DH is not the father of my oldest two boys and they were fine growing up. However when they became teenagers it became harder as they tried to find their way in the world. Teenagers can become 'unlikeable' for a while so if he is struggling now it will be a lot harder when your son is older.
Kids are irritating at times. However they give a lot of joy. Especially to parents.
Sounds like your partner is finding the reality harder which is completely understandable.

Op I think you've had as bit of an unnecessary flaming here, Mumsnet well known for this!

Firstly, after 6 months I wouldn't be looking to move in with DP yet, this is simply because you have doubts about his feelings about your son.

Our children absolutely have to be our number one, and the fact that you know that your DPs attitude towards your child needs a lot of work suggests you know this already.

Your OP had me laughing because I have a 9yo ds and he is exactly the same. Obsessed with YouTube, Pokémon and minecraft. Every day is a battle over screen time, if I ask him to explain a Pokémon to me he suddenly becomes the most articulate boy on earth but if I ask him to brush his teeth/get ready for bed/turn the tv off he's suddenly deaf as a post. Everything you describe is normal 9yo boy stuff.

It sounds like your DP doesnt have DC of his own? Does he want them in the future? Is it just your ds or does he struggle to relate to children in general? My DH sometimes gets irritated with my ds taking over the TV. He has DC of his own but only sees them 11 days of the month so they aren't here all the time. Ds is here 50/50. We compromise by letting ds have what he likes on the tv until 7.30 then after that its 'grown up time'. Ds also has a Switch so watches YouTube on that if DH wants the tv to watch a football game.

Do they have any shared interests at all? Is DP a gamer? My ds loves watching my DH playing a computer game. If not, could the bond over a board game, fishing, metal detecting? My ds loves Pokémon Go, and DH loves walking, so they combine the two and go off playing this together some times.

Ultimately, if your DP loves you and wants your relationship to work, he absolutely must make the biggest effort with your ds and stop criticising him for perfectly normal behaviour. I would make it clear to DP that if he fails to find some way to connect with your ds then the relationship must end because you cannot condemn your ds to a life of living with someone who finds him irritating and has no affection for him, and that's soul destroying. But give him some time. I've been a step parent myself for 7 years and it's not for the faint of heart, it's a huge commitment.

Maybe he's depressed.. or maybe the shine is coming off the relationship and you're just seeing what he's really like. This should still be the honeymoon period where people put in loads of effort, lockdown or not. I think you did the right thing. Well done on being decisive.

It's a really hard one, I think there is expectation for step parents to like and 'take on' step children in a way that isn't really reality.
I have 3 step children that stay every other weekend and they annoy the hell out of me sometimes, DP kind of expects me to feel how he does about them.
We manage to make it work better now, but only when he stopped pressurising me to 'make an effort'
I wouldn't give up on the relationship yet.

Sorry I missed update !

FFS! As a parent you have to do things you find irritating but you certainly don't let the child know that!
I spend hours doing things I don't particularly like with my kids but I do it because I'm there mum:

FFS! As a parent you have to do things you find irritating but you certainly don't let the child know that!

Are ppl actually capable of reading the OP’s posts?

She’s doing all that stuff. She’s not letting her son know. She’s being honest about how dull it is on here because there’s nothing wrong with that.

Your son doesn't sound bad at all. I think you both need to learn to like him for who he is and get involved in the things he's interested in and involve him in your interests. Poor lad doesn't sound like he gets much positive attention, no wonder he talks to the tv.

So pleased for your son that he's going. It will feel like a weight off your shoulders not having to try and mould your child to a person your boyfriend can tolerate.

You can't expect your partner to love/like your son within 4months. Give the relationship time. I'm not sure why everyone jumped up on you saying you should dump the partner. And it's fine for your son to realise your partner doesn't love him yet, relationships take time. He has you, that's the main thing. Just let the relationship develop over time. Do some activities together.
Take some pressure off, as long as they can be friendly together why do you need them to love each other straight away? It will happen naturally over time.
For your son - yes he seems perfectly normal but 2hrs per day of screen time is quite a lot in my view and in my experience can impact negatively on behaviour. I know I have seen a difference in my girls behaviour when I stopped TV altogether during the (working) week. So that's something you could explore if you wanted to and encourage him to do other things for some of that time. I know your said you're working but at 8-9yrs old he can find other activities on his own. It may take some adjustment/time initially of course.

I know things have moved on since the OP and your DP is moving out, but just wanted to say that you are NOT a bad mum. It sounds like you’re doing your best. A bad mum would have noticed the issues but done nothing about them.

Wishing you luck going forward

You need to get rid of the partner. He is living in your house with your child after only 1 year? That is not on, far too quick. He clearly knows nothing about children and is unsuitable to be with a female who has a child.
Your child needs you and not this critical, unknowledgeable person making your son's life miserable in his own home and with his own mother.

You moved this man in that you'd known for 7 months. Moved in for lockdown? Did I read that right?
Waaaay too soon. Even without a child

Have you given any thought to whether your son likes this man?

Your 9 yo sounds like most 9 year olds out there, certainly similar enough to my son when he was 9. Your "D"P sounds awful.

Get rid of the P and whatever you do don't move in with him.

• don't move into his cottage.

Op. Please try to ignore the bullying tone on here, hidden amongst it is some good advice though and food for thought. . Your do does sound depressed but he seems to be acknowledging his difficulties and wants to fix things. Saying adults must adore the.children of their partners with no effort is frankly bonkers. I myself have to sometimes remind myself that I need to make more effort to connect with my son if I notice getting more irritated with him ( well more irritated than normal with a 15 year old teenager ).

The only answer for your dp is self care ( he needs to address his mood and if he is depressed and do something about it) along with making more of an effort to make connections with you DS

I am not sure if this man is worth your.time and support to help him.do this (as he has asked) or whether he brings more to you and your son's life then he takes but I trust your judgement on this. You know him.not me. Trust your own judgement and instincts about it not a random load of strangers on MN .
Good.luck

Look, kids are annoying. If they are not yours, you probably over analyse your feelings. Your dp needs to stop moaning and accept your ds for who he is. He doesn't have to enjoy your ds conversation anymore than you do ut he has to fake an interest and ask questions for a bit. If ds is being ignorant, he needs to be called out on it. He is a pre teen; they are obsessed with you tube and x box. I am a primary teacher; half the boys in my class talk about little else. They kow Iam not a fan but I indulge them a bit before saying jokily, that's enough - I can't cope with anymore fortnite. They laugh and carry on chatting with each other. My point is that your dp is making too much of this. What is more important is that he is kind to your ds in the way that an interested and caring adult would be. He does not have to share your son's interests and find him a fascinating companion.

You’re post made me really sad for your son, yes I understand everyone annoys everyone but you seem overly critical of your own child. I agree that you should end the relationship and put some serious work into your relationship with your child. Saying you love him isn’t enough.

Your DS already knows your DP doesn't like him.

Please don't move in with DP, it will only get worse, put your son first. In fact in your shoes I'd break up with DP, he sound impatient and unkind.

How I read this is;
DP doesn’t like my child, but DP wants to like my child and plans to like him eventually. I mean, theoretically DP likes my child... just practically he doesn’t like him. It’s really my child’s fault though, for being a child. It’s really annoying!

Your DS sounds like EVERY other 9 year old. 9 year olds are annoying as hell they irritate the tits off you. Honestly, spending a few days solid around an enthusiastic 9 year old would put people off having kids but criticising DS for ‘not talking about things DP finds interesting’ is laughable! You may as well criticise his driving skills- no 9 year old engages an adult in actually interesting conversation.

At 9 my brother could only talk about mine craft, football and Xbox. At a push you might get him chatting about tv/films or cheesy jokes. That’s because it’s the stage they’re at emotionally. It’s relentless, obsessive and boring but you’re the adult. You have the interpersonal skills to be able to fake interest, that’s your job, not your 9 year olds! I guarantee your parents felt the same way about you at 9. I feel quite sorry for your DS in this situation and I hope you sling DP and choose DS- but I highly doubt you will.

Yorkshiremummyof1. You’ve made the right decision for every one.

This can be the rear button.

Your Dp sounds like he has depression- you do not need to be sorting this out.

You and your ds can reconnect over different things. Make things to talk about other than computer stuff, be active, get him out of the house.

And her his hearing and eye site checked

Your partner is an arse. Get rid.
This sounds exactly the same as my nine year old. The things he talks to you about which you find boring, are current and exciting for your child. He will feel the same about the thing you're trying to talk to him about.

When he conforms and starts acting like you want him to then there will be other issues. He'll be in his teenage years soon and then your partner will be finding fault again.

Don't move in with him op. Start to appreciate your son. I feel sorry for him

I think everyone is expecting too much too fast. It took me a couple of years to feel bonded to my step daughters and I can still occasionally find them annoying. I think as step parents people expect you to immediately love somebody else's kids with no biological bond or hormones to help it along. You then start to beat yourself up anytime you feel like you don't love them totally / wonder what won't with you and it adds to the tension and just makes things so much worse.

It's good that he's moved out as it sounds like he needs some breathing space and they can work on just getting along without pressure.

It was only when my dp stopped expecting me to know how to parent and to love them 100% that I was able to relax and just enjoy spending time with them.

Plus everyone says 'the kids always know' but my step daughters definitely didn't and in fact preferred to spend time with me than their dad most of the time. We have a really good relationship now.