to think not everyone has to like my son, but my DP should try?

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

I’m after advice re step parenting and relationships between. DC and SP

Myself, DP, DS9 live in a rented house. DP and I have been together for a year and he previously got on well with my son.

The situation as it currently is, is that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with DS and finds him irritating. I understand this is for a few reasons.

DS watches YouTube too much and it’s actually annoying hearing him talk to the TV.

When he’s allowed to play on the XBOX he stands far too close and talks to it.

He can have an attitude, not a naughty one just sassy and know it all.

He has the worst selective hearing, he doesn’t acknowledge me when I ask him to do something. He doesn’t say okay, he has about a 5 second pause before he starts to do it so I often get irritated as I think he’s ignoring me, he’s not he’s just processing it. But it winds me and DP up

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it.

So these things annoy my DP and I think he has let them get to the point where he almost doesn’t like my son. I’ve explained to him that’s kinda a dealbreaker and we have discussed how lockdown might have affected it and how we could possibly start over. We’ve discussed how the same things wind me up, but he’s my child - I love him and I deal with the fact that I hate minecraft because DS loves it. Whereas DP has to want to choose this relationship if that makes sense?

The reason this is an issue is that we are considering moving to DPs house. He owns a lovely cottage in the country however it is smaller than my house, we would have less space and I think he is concerned about DS clicking that DP doesn’t enjoy spending time with him. He is upset that he feels this way and he doesn’t want DS to pick up on it. When DS has some problems with bullies, DP was upset for him but that emotional connection appears to have dimmed a bit, I pointed out they haven’t had a cuddle in a while and DP was visibly upset.

My counter to all this was.

YouTube is a pile of shit but instead of complaining he watches too much we should give him a set day he can watch it and we should encourage other things he can watch. Ideally he wouldn’t watch too much TV but admittedly for the two hours between end of school and me finishing work, I need him to be occupied. But don’t complain about HIS choice of TV when you as the adult have the power to change that.

XBOX - nothing I say will keep him from getting so close to the TV. Deal with it

Attitude - so I actually think that DS is trying to connect with DP. When he’s sassy to me at the dinner table I think he’s got his guard up. He’s totally different with just me, but I’m his mum and I love him unconditionally. The way he is round DP is similar to how I’ve seen him at school where he’s still settling in. I don’t know how to “fix” this

Selective hearing, I think it’s an age thing and perhaps I could change how I request DS to do something.

Talking to DP about boring things. This is so bloody obvious. He’s talking to DP about stuff that DS knows about because he’s trying to connect!! Is asked DP if he offered a topic to talk about and he blanked. So...do things with DS that DP enjoys and maybe....you’ll find common ground.

The problem is that DP has expected the relationship to magically grow with no effort. I understand why he’s thought this as his only experience with kids has been his god children and he has a really good relationship. Meeting a child aged 8 and being essentially forced to have a relationship is different.

I’d like some advice on how we can both work on fostering a healthy relationship as a trio. I knows my parental failings. Is it just a case of doing some activities with DS that DP likes? How do I navigate the sassy attitude where I think DS defences are up? I worry that the damage is done and DP will never “like” DS and even if he tried to hide it children are intuitive and so as a mother I’d have to end the relationship as DS comes first.

We’ve put moving to DPs on hold until we’re at A place that we think they have a relationship that could work. I don’t want to put DS through the mill, I need to protect him from harm because that’s my job and I love him to the moon and back.

I read your update.

Him saying he isn’t motivated is horrible.

Him moving out is the best thing. Build up a relationship slowly.

mumsnet can be a very unhelpful place, especially in AIBU.

Most mothers dont like their childs behaviour at times, you keep reminding yourself that you love the child, this too will pass, your child needs you most when you like them least. Your partner is not used to children and hasnt learnt to separate not liking their current behaviour from not loving the child.

He was initially willing to work at building a better relationship but lockdown is a hard time for everyone. Working in healthcare is pretty bad at the moment, you only have to read the thread by healthcare staff to see what they are going through. Equally children have only parents and are suffering, they need extra patience.

Pretty obvious it was too soon to move in together but unlike the rest of mumsnet I wouldnt write him off for admitting he was finding it hard if he was willing to work at it. Sounds like he has now decided it's just too much hard work though.

@Yorkshiremummyof1 congratulations on reaching the decision for him to move out. I hope things are better for u all now. With some space it may all work out.

You get from a child what you put in. If you have issues with the Xbox, take it away for awhile, he is a normal 9 year old. It appears you have moved a bit too quickly with your DP, I waited 3 years before moving in with my DP and we still had teething problems. If you want to maintain the relationship slow down.

Good and sensible post already.

Your opening post is not great op. It sounds from that like you resent your son and your dp is getting those vibes from you and resenting him too. It doesn't read well at all and that's why everyone feels sorry for your son.

But if your dp was better before lockdown, it's likely stress causing this. Force him to go out on a bike ride again and do yoga. Maybe he can teach your son yoga, or take him for bike rides too? Either way, he needs exercise. He's sleeping a lot because he's become lazy, exercise reduces stress too. He needs to get back to it.

I wonder how many people criticising are actually living the reality of single parenting.

Me, I am. After the absolute shit show that was the relationship with DC's dad and the damage it's probably caused them when we separates there's absolutely no way I'm risking introducing anyone else in to their lives to cause any more. 7 years now. Ive had one 2 year relationship that was kept totally separate from them but in the end wasn't going to work out with them so it was pointless to carry on.

OP I'm glad he's moving out but where you go from here you need to be careful. As I said your sons behaviours will likely get less tolerable as he becomes a teenager. It's also not guaranteed that he's depressed. That sort of time scale of getting feet under the table is a typical time for men to start showing who they really are - it's worth paying attention to that. The fact that he just can't be arsed just now is quite telling!

Your son sounds around normal for his age.

To your BF your son is something he perhaps can't cope with that well has he any children of his own?. Whats his "history" ?

I think it will be a diasister to move to his place with him right now, seen this happen in our mob!

I think that majority of posters here are advising you well..

Take heed of them!!

Yorkshiremummyofone

Sending you and your son some hugs. Life is just hard sometimes. 💐

I think it’s really positive that he’s moving out now - it shows you’ve taken the advice on board and demonstrates just how much you care about DS. I echo what other posters have said: take things much more slowly now, maybe visit with DP a few times a week, also having time for just you and your DS in your own house. If DP continues to struggle to connect with DS and/or remains moody all the time then I doubt the relationship will last long term, but I’m sure you already know that.

I also wanted to say that you shouldn’t beat yourself up too much for rushing this relationship. It’s absolutely normal after being abused: often people are so desperate for a proper, loving relationship as a comfort after all they’ve endured. You made a bit of a mistake with the timings, you’ve acknowledged that - no harm, no foul. You’ve been through so much. Try to be kind to yourself as well as DS.

@CallarMorvern

Yorkshiremummyofone

Sending you and your son some hugs. Life is just hard sometimes. 💐

It bloody is.

I’ve been upset about how we’d lose someone we both love. But...this morning when I woke up at 3 something kinda snapped into place that I think I’d be happier with just DS. I wouldn’t be on edge micromanaging and we could just spend time together without being judged.

@whattimeisitrightnow

I think it’s really positive that he’s moving out now - it shows you’ve taken the advice on board and demonstrates just how much you care about DS. I echo what other posters have said: take things much more slowly now, maybe visit with DP a few times a week, also having time for just you and your DS in your own house. If DP continues to struggle to connect with DS and/or remains moody all the time then I doubt the relationship will last long term, but I’m sure you already know that.

I also wanted to say that you shouldn’t beat yourself up too much for rushing this relationship. It’s absolutely normal after being abused: often people are so desperate for a proper, loving relationship as a comfort after all they’ve endured. You made a bit of a mistake with the timings, you’ve acknowledged that - no harm, no foul. You’ve been through so much. Try to be kind to yourself as well as DS.

Thank you

You could have literally been writing about my ds9 here. He is exactly the same. It's not unusual behaviour at all especially during lockdown. They are bored and frustrated and yes, very annoying at times.

My dp isn't my ds bio father and he struggles with some of the behaviour too. I also have to tell ds to watch his attitude with dp as they have forged this sort of matey bond rather than a parent/child bond which sometimes edges into banter and rudeness. Is this the case with your dp and ds?

I wouldn't take too much notice of the posters here saying LTB and insinuating don't care about your son - every family experiences issues with communication and family dynamics. If we all split up every time someone annoyed someone else or there was a family dispute there'd be so families left in the UK. Just because he isn't your sons bio dad doesn't mean you shouldn't all put the work in to try and fix things. It sounds like you've been trying and thinking about it a lot.

As much as I know my ds annoys my dp at times, I would never say he doesn't like him. If I truly felt that way it would hurt me a lot. I think you need to ascertain if this is genuine dislike or just a bit of annoyance at the current situation. Not everyone adapts to being a stepparent easily so maybe he just needs a bit of time and work. You need to explain to him that it's unacceptable for your son to feel disliked and unwanted in his own home though and unless he works with you to improve things then it could be a dealbreaker. Good luck

Oh crap just read your update, sorry. Hope you are ok x

Op, I remember those days with a 9 year old, in a few years you will look back and remember it fondly.

Treasure your time with your son who sounds great as in a few short years he will change dramatically.

You sound like a great mum but I think you did move too quickly. I would definitely wait 2 years as that seems to be the time that the rose tinted phase has worn off.

your child needs you most when you like them least
These are the most powerful and thought provoking words I've ever read on MN.

So simple yet so true.

OP it seems you have tried however it appears this arrangement is not working.

I have an 8 year old who sounds very similar to your son, except it's Roblox.

My partner moved in a year ago and though at times it has been difficult, he has a great relationship with my daughter and he sees her as his own child. Does she annoy him sometimes? YES but that's normal.

In your case, it seems your DP does not even like your son and can be very hard to build a relationship from that. It also sounds at this point, your partner has given up on trying to bond with your son.

Your son needs to come first, this relationship is not sustainable.

You make a lot of excuses for your partners shitty behaviour but none for your sons.

You sound like you've already made your choice to stay with your partner, even if he doesn't like your son, so why are you even posting on here?

I hope that YOU have a happy life and your son doesn't pay too much of a price for that.

My DSD had a late diagnosis of autism and after 7 years of her addicted to screens and never acknowledging me when I said hello, it all made sense.
I still find her ways very irritating and do regret getting entangled with a man who had a child but I’m in til deep now.
If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have committed to a relationship with DH because I can’t not find his DD very irritating. (I don’t show it obviously)
I would think twice before going any further.

@WhatASadLittleLifeJane

You make a lot of excuses for your partners shitty behaviour but none for your sons.

You sound like you've already made your choice to stay with your partner, even if he doesn't like your son, so why are you even posting on here?

I hope that YOU have a happy life and your son doesn't pay too much of a price for that.

Didn’t read my update then did you

You’ve had a realisation now and the fact that dp isn’t willing or able to try now speaks volumes. As parents, we don’t have the choice to ‘try’ or not with our dc when we are tired or struggling, we just get on with it. My dd also loves Minecraft and I have lost count of the hours I have spent being shown her latest creations after a busy day of work. It’s not my thing but my dd thinks I love it as much as she does because I love her enough to show genuine interest in something that she is passionate about.

I think this has all been a bit of a shock to you but now that he has shown his true colours you can deal with the reality of him and not the honeymoon version. I think this will probably burn itself out as you will now be constantly watching and monitoring to see how he is with your dc.

@Yorkshiremummyof1 I picked up this thread this morning...I have to say I also thought initially your description of your son was a bit harsh but many of the readers have been really unfair to you. You have been honest, I also find my DSs quite annoying at times and I am their mom! Same thing for their dad. I am sorry it got to the stage where you had to make that choice, you have done all the right things...maybe the only mistake has been to post on AIBU where people just seem to take a thrill from bashing someone they dont know at all.
Wish you all the best and stay strong x

At 30 your DP is still quite young really.You say he hasnt had many dealings with children and being a Step father (or similar is very hard)I would see how things go .However hold off any thoughts of moving in together for the moment .I think to encourage DP with teaching DS to ride a bike and the Dungeons/Dragons as well .Give him a chance .

I doubt you will stay apart from your partner. This man was living in your house with contempt from your son for MONTHS without you doing anything about it. You think I'm going to believe because you've posted on here that you have suddenly asked him to move out after a couple of hours?

Just because your partner didn't SAY he had an issue with your son, surely you could see it and chose to do nothing.

You sound like you are a great mother with a lot of love for your son, but you need to be with someone that adds to both of your lives and not just your own.

Ffs leave this man and focus on your son.