to think not everyone has to like my son, but my DP should try?

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

I’m after advice re step parenting and relationships between. DC and SP

Myself, DP, DS9 live in a rented house. DP and I have been together for a year and he previously got on well with my son.

The situation as it currently is, is that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with DS and finds him irritating. I understand this is for a few reasons.

DS watches YouTube too much and it’s actually annoying hearing him talk to the TV.

When he’s allowed to play on the XBOX he stands far too close and talks to it.

He can have an attitude, not a naughty one just sassy and know it all.

He has the worst selective hearing, he doesn’t acknowledge me when I ask him to do something. He doesn’t say okay, he has about a 5 second pause before he starts to do it so I often get irritated as I think he’s ignoring me, he’s not he’s just processing it. But it winds me and DP up

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it.

So these things annoy my DP and I think he has let them get to the point where he almost doesn’t like my son. I’ve explained to him that’s kinda a dealbreaker and we have discussed how lockdown might have affected it and how we could possibly start over. We’ve discussed how the same things wind me up, but he’s my child - I love him and I deal with the fact that I hate minecraft because DS loves it. Whereas DP has to want to choose this relationship if that makes sense?

The reason this is an issue is that we are considering moving to DPs house. He owns a lovely cottage in the country however it is smaller than my house, we would have less space and I think he is concerned about DS clicking that DP doesn’t enjoy spending time with him. He is upset that he feels this way and he doesn’t want DS to pick up on it. When DS has some problems with bullies, DP was upset for him but that emotional connection appears to have dimmed a bit, I pointed out they haven’t had a cuddle in a while and DP was visibly upset.

My counter to all this was.

YouTube is a pile of shit but instead of complaining he watches too much we should give him a set day he can watch it and we should encourage other things he can watch. Ideally he wouldn’t watch too much TV but admittedly for the two hours between end of school and me finishing work, I need him to be occupied. But don’t complain about HIS choice of TV when you as the adult have the power to change that.

XBOX - nothing I say will keep him from getting so close to the TV. Deal with it

Attitude - so I actually think that DS is trying to connect with DP. When he’s sassy to me at the dinner table I think he’s got his guard up. He’s totally different with just me, but I’m his mum and I love him unconditionally. The way he is round DP is similar to how I’ve seen him at school where he’s still settling in. I don’t know how to “fix” this

Selective hearing, I think it’s an age thing and perhaps I could change how I request DS to do something.

Talking to DP about boring things. This is so bloody obvious. He’s talking to DP about stuff that DS knows about because he’s trying to connect!! Is asked DP if he offered a topic to talk about and he blanked. So...do things with DS that DP enjoys and maybe....you’ll find common ground.

The problem is that DP has expected the relationship to magically grow with no effort. I understand why he’s thought this as his only experience with kids has been his god children and he has a really good relationship. Meeting a child aged 8 and being essentially forced to have a relationship is different.

I’d like some advice on how we can both work on fostering a healthy relationship as a trio. I knows my parental failings. Is it just a case of doing some activities with DS that DP likes? How do I navigate the sassy attitude where I think DS defences are up? I worry that the damage is done and DP will never “like” DS and even if he tried to hide it children are intuitive and so as a mother I’d have to end the relationship as DS comes first.

We’ve put moving to DPs on hold until we’re at A place that we think they have a relationship that could work. I don’t want to put DS through the mill, I need to protect him from harm because that’s my job and I love him to the moon and back.

I didn’t take OPs description of her son as negative at all.

I didn’t either. I can’t see anything wrong with saying it’s hard to feign interest in nine year old topics. Of course it is. Yes we do it, but what’s the harm in saying it like it is? 🤷‍♀️

For the sake of your son I am so glad your partner is moving out today.

@BluebellForest836

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it

This above is also really shit for you to even say. Take an interest in your son, to say he doesn’t talk about anything interesting is pretty vile.
I made an account on roblox so I could play with my 9 year old daughter.... you know.. so it looks like I actively enjoy stuff that she likes.. because I love her.

I play Minecraft with him, I also play Fortnite with him. My point was that as an adult that stuff can often be incredibly boring, the difference between myself and DP is that I love DS so do it for him. DP hasn’t made the connection that we do things for children because it’s good for them.

I worded it badly because I’d been up all night and my coherency skills are in the gutter

I read your update OP and I think that was the right thing to do. You are clearly a caring mother who loves her son and is putting him first. When I read your first post, I felt sad. I think it came across the wrong way and thats why people have reacted badly. It reminded me of the episode of friends where Ross writes everything bad about Rachel n a list and she finds it. Its never nice to see someone write a list of all the bad things about their child. When i was around 4 my parents split up and my step dad moved in when I was 5. It was too soon and genuinely ruined my childhood. I still have issues because of it. However, my mum is still with him 20 years later and extremely happy. I'm glad she's happy but you can't underestimate how hard it is for a child to have a new partner move into their home. Your son would have found this extremely difficult without the problem of your partner finding him annoying. I know you realise this and that's really good. He is lucky to have a mum that puts him first :)

Aw OP I hope you are ok..what a night/morning you've had doing all the soul searching..

I'm glad you have made a decision to get space and poss end things if I read that right.

I want to say you could be describing my nine year old DS. Omg the minecraft obsession ! Yes! Drives me nuts.

My sons stepfather is not perfect but he is bloody good. He was child free before he met us when my kids were 3 and 6. He has never been anything but invested in them but he had a steep learning curve. It needs to be a deal breaker but there are 30 something children men out there that are interested and engaged in parenting and being part of family life. You can't do this in a half arsed way and you don't get to dip out. I agree to take it slow - it took us a year for him to move in. We limit screens and the boys do things like cycling , tennis , and DIY together over lockdown. DP also takes him pokemon hunting to get him out. As a result my kids are happy , stable and have their 3 parents as they see it . I'm.now expecting dc3 but that's another story !

. It's not perfect like I said but i just want to let you know that I am sure you are doing an amazing job , placing ds needs first , and that there are some amazing men out there who are worthy of you both .

Agree that AIBU is not the right place for you to get advice OP. Step parenting or relationships might be better.

But I will be completely honest and say that I think, with hindsight, your partner moved in too early. Especially now if he is struggling with depression (is he doing anything about it?).

You've been through a lot. Lockdown has been stressful for children and families. Take the pressure off for a while by going back to dating. Any childless 30 year old would struggle to really bond with a 9 year old (your son sounds lovely and averagely annoying for his age!) let alone in lockdown while suffering from depression.

I can't abide my SS ( for very good reason l might add) but difference is l only met him at 16/17 so my relationship with his dad survived and we are still happily together many years later. I don't think we would still be if he'd lived with us much longer than he did (moved out at 25) or ld met dh a few years earlier and SS had behaved like he did at 17. I couldn't have tolerated any more than l did basically and l also would move out if ever dh suggested him coming to live back home even temporarily. I would never say he can't take his 'child' child' back in but otoh l reserve the right to leave.

Moving away from the focus on DP, have you any concerns re DS's vision or hearing? Just wondering re standing close to TV (although to be fair, lots of children do this.)
And the selective hearing you mentioned, is this just when DS is watching TV, or engrossed in something, or does it happen at other times?

Just wondered if it may be worth getting checked out.

I really don’t like being nasty to OP’s so don’t often reply to a thread I feel is BU. But I feel I have to reply to you and I will try to be kind but I don’t think you are being reasonable at all. This is normal behaviour for a 9 year old. Kids are generally annoying but that’s the cute part and adorable! My eldest for example yesterday for 2- 3 hours straight told me different jokes with same ending and none of it was funny but I feigned a laugh every time! Soon your 9 year old will be a moody teenager who doesn’t want to spend anytime with you, please enjoy this time whilst you can. Your partner should not be telling you your child is annoying. I would go crazy if anyone I’ve known for such a short time said this about my kids. Goodluck and remember your boy will be only little for such a short time x

I really hate Minecraft, I also play it with DD, and Roblox. I don’t understand half of what she witters on about , the time left that they will want to play games with their mum is short I’m grabbing all the chances I can get, even if I am bored stiff. Why do they watch other people playing games on YouTube? 🤷‍♀️

Hope you can catch up on some sleep at some point, take care OP.

So many people on this thread have been absolutely vile to the OP. I hope tearing other women down makes you feel good.

OP I am sorry you had such a hard time. I also empathised with the issue of your DS talking about things that only interest him. I am not from the UK and culturally it was taught to us from a very young age to converse and take an interest in others. I think that this is very rare here, as most children seem to rabbit on and on about their things and can't seem to hold a conversation with elders. It is a learned skill, so you can enable and encourage this. He is at an age where he should be ok with taking cues and being able to ask others about their interests too. Good luck with everything.

I'd end the relationship so fast his head would whirl if someone slagged my kid off like that. I can't think why you allowed him to get even half of that load of criticism out before you felt angry and protective of your child and told this man where to go let alone all of it.

My daughter is 9 years old and sounds exactly like your son, plays too many games, watches too much YouTube, has a sassy, know it all attitude, only talks about these things which interest her (and are completely dull to us). This is how kids are!! You don't need to try and justify him to your DP, tell your DP how you can change your son's behaviour or explain to us how annoying your son is. It's just normal. Yes you can tackle your son's YouTube obsession but that's not the issue here. The problem is your DP is not wanting to spend time with your son and finds him annoying. Yes children can be irritating but it's more of a problem that your DP can't accept the normal behaviour of a child. Your DP is making his feelings the priority here, not the wellbeing of your child. I couldn't be with someone who was so openly irritated and critical of my daughter. It will only get worse as time goes by. Wait until your son's a teenager and is fed up with the constant criticism from your partner and wants to fight back. Prioritise your son, don't waste time negotiating with your partner. You and your son need to live separately from your DP. It's really unfair on your son that he'll be made to feel unappreciated and that he's just an annoyance in his own home.

How the hell did your DP get to 30 and not realise kids are hard work?

Has he literally never met one?

Does he think all those mothers in deepest despair over the behaviour of their children were just faking it for attention?

What, exactly, was he expecting?

He sounds JUST like my 9 year old son!
Completely normal. My son is very good at selective hearing and it took him about 20 minutes to put a sock on yesterday

I know you probably do this already, but keep reminding your son how much you love him and that he’s special.

It is hard for people to like their partner’s children at times. Just like any other child who isn’t theirs. Would living apart help?

@CallarMorvern

And, after my lengthy post.. I've just read your update. If he isn't motivated to change, then obviously that changes the whole dynamic. I very much read up to that point, that he was aware of his failings and was willing to put in the effort. If not well, your decision is for the best. Take care and be kind to yourself.

Yesterday’s conversation was that he WOULD take those steps. This morning I asked him and he said right now he wasn’t motivated because of how he feels in general. So I told him it couldn’t wait, he either stepped up or he moved out. I said that DS can’t sit patiently waiting for someone to want to be his friend. I said we could go to a museum and DP could talk to DS about all the interesting things. DP replies that DS wouldn’t let him get a word in edgeways. My response to that was uhhh maybe he wants to talk to you. DP just can’t handle it. To clarify he was only honest with me yesterday, before this he just told me he was really struggling with work so needed lots of time to himself, yesterday it morphed into “I can love with you but I’m struggling to live with DS” for all the aforementioned reasons

@funinthesun19

He sounds JUST like my 9 year old son! Completely normal. My son is very good at selective hearing and it took him about 20 minutes to put a sock on yesterday

I know you probably do this already, but keep reminding your son how much you love him and that he’s special.

It is hard for people to like their partner’s children at times. Just like any other child who isn’t theirs. Would living apart help?

I make sure to tell him that he’s the most special person to me. We joke that if our dog was a human they would be tied because he refers to her as his sister....

Just read your update & think it's the right decision.
You obviously love DS & accept his annoying habits. I do think it's more annoying when they're not your own kids. So I get why DP finds if irritating.
Well done for asking DP to move out - you can always get a babysitter in & do stuff when your DS goes to his GP.

@Zaphodsotherhead

How the hell did your DP get to 30 and not realise kids are hard work?

Has he literally never met one?

Does he think all those mothers in deepest despair over the behaviour of their children were just faking it for attention?

What, exactly, was he expecting?

He has two god children that he has known since birth and has a god relationship with. He’s never dated anyone with kids. And now I can see why he “chose” not to and I’m starting to wish he had kept that rule.

I think a lot of posters on here are being unnecessarily harsh, but that's AIBU for you.

My two cents is that being plonked around kids when you have no clue how to act around them is awkward. When I first got serious with DH he used to pick his niece (7) and nephew (5) from school up two days a week and we'd spend the occasional weekend with them. I hadn't a clue how to act around them, I had never been around a child in my life, having no kids and being the youngest in my family I had literally no experience. I was so awkward. Honestly we've been together 6 years now and I still struggle a little at times, but I would say there is love both ways now and I'm fully an auntie in their eyes. I'm a bit of a socially awkward person and kids weirdly, I struggle with more than adults. Not knowing how to talk to them, what interests them, how to not sound patronising. Now I have a son of my own it's helped me understand more I guess but honestly a few times in those early years DH said to me that he didn't think I liked the kids and asked if there was an issue, but the only issue was in my head. I'm not nasty, and I didn't dislike the children but at first I did dislike being around them as I found it so uncomfortable, so I can see where he might be coming from.

Time, is the biggest thing. Obviously it was a different situation, as an auntie/uncle relationship and we spent far less time together. But if anything that means he should be able to build a relationship quicker than I did if he really tries! I was most uncomfortable at home, so we did lots of fun outings where we could genuinely enjoy each other's company, no phones or distractions give them your full attention, actually get to know them, talk to them about interests that you have, or even just subjects you find tolerable to talk about until you find one that peaks their interest, there will be some form of common ground somewhere. However he needs to look closely at his feelings and evaluate whether like me, he didn't like feeling uncomfortable and not knowing how to act, or if he didn't like the child. There's a big difference!

If he’s not motivated to make an effort ‘at the moment’ in this early stage, he never will be. It’s not ‘not right now’ it’s never. Very sadly.

I reckon it can work if you don't expect them to live together. I wonder what DS reaction will be?

Your dp is going to damage your sons emotional well being. He will know he isn’t liked and that you chose to still have this man in your life.

When I met my DH, my daughter was 3, she’s 20 now and he has never been anything other that a dad and a friend to her. I could not be with a man who was so mean about my child.

Yes I think it’s best your partner moves back to his house, you all need a bit of space. If your relationship is strong enough you will be able to pick up where you left off. The whole Covid thing has put stress on everybody but you are a great mum and have put your son first. 💐