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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not invite people to lunch if you are not allowing people to use the toilet?

349 replies

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 11/07/2020 11:57

A friend has invited 4 of us over for a garden lunch next week. We're each to take a bottle of Prosecco and a contribution to the lunch. That is absolutely fine, and I'd have taken drink and food contribution even if not asked. Not an issue. She has however said that she is not allowing people in her home at all, even to use a separate downstairs loo. Now that is of course her right, but then why invite people over to lunch? I need the toilet every hour/ hour and a half or so. This means I will have to drive to her lunch (Id usually walk but it will take me an hour there and back with nopublic toilets on the route) and not drink any of the Prosecco I take, and I won't be able to stay very long. I did say we could all take our own packs of wipes and clean the seat/flush/door handles after ourselves but she isn't comfortable with that. I've offered to host at my house but she wants it at hers (I'm guessing so she can use the toilet and not have to drive) and drink Prosecco....)
Not discussed with others going as don't want to seem like a bitch. I honestly get and respect her reason for not wanting people to use her loo but not sure why you would then invite people to lunch? AIBU?

OP posts:
bengalcat · 11/07/2020 13:29

Her fears about sharing toilet facilities are unfounded . Personally I’d politely decline . You can’t invite people round to eat and drink without providing toilet facilities .

MayFayre · 11/07/2020 13:30

I would politely decline or say you’ll pop by after lunch for a quick cup of coffee and say why.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 11/07/2020 13:30

Thanks everyone. After careful consideration, I wrote on group chat that given toilet situation I would be driving so would bring my own mini bottle of Prosecco and a straw.

OP posts:
dogperson05 · 11/07/2020 13:31

Just go and if you need toilet just say 'I'm just nipping to use loo, ' if she stops you just look at her and say 'do you want me to get myself? I'll thoroughly disinfect after I use it, I won't be a minute' and then just go. Other guest will need the loo too, her no loo rule will soon go out Wondow

Spied · 11/07/2020 13:32

I bet she drops her standards when the prosecco starts flowing...Hmm

I'd not be going.

rwalker · 11/07/2020 13:33

should of said love to come but would need a toilet so will have to decline.

excuseforfights · 11/07/2020 13:35

This means I will have to drive to her lunch

At the above, I went nooooooooo, don’t goooooooo

After careful consideration, I wrote on group chat that given toilet situation I would be driving so would bring my own mini bottle of Prosecco and a straw

And then I read this and went wow!

Well done for fooling her CF ways. Let us know what she says.

Will she be invited to your Podunk shindig?

excuseforfights · 11/07/2020 13:35

*foiling not fooling

excuseforfights · 11/07/2020 13:36

We, potential shindig, not Podunk! I’m sure your gathering will be very far from Podunk!

Billben · 11/07/2020 13:38

She is being ludicrous. Even if I didn’t have Crohn’s I wouldn’t bother going.

ExpectTheWorst · 11/07/2020 13:42

Am not in the UK so have possibly missed something but what is the issue with toilets? If you can have people over why can’t they use your loo?

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 11/07/2020 13:42

She just said 'oh, ok'. Another friend has said she will do the same. I wouldn't put her on the spot and demand to use her toilet as she has made it clear and it is her home. I will invite her to my next gathering. Will be intrigued to see if she uses my toilet !

OP posts:
PuzzledObserver · 11/07/2020 13:47

The virus is excreted in poo, so if you flush without closing the lid, it aerosolises and will land on surfaces in the room. It can (in theory) then be picked up by other people who touch surfaces in the loo and then touch their mouth, nose or eyes.

OTOH - don’t you wash your hands every time you go to the loo, and extra thoroughly when you’ve done a poo? So the risk of infection is from touching other surfaces after you have washed your hands, e.g. the tap or door handle.

So, the procedure needs to be:-

  1. do your wee (or worse)
  2. use left hand to put lid down, flush and turn on tap (this assumes you have used your right hand to wipe)
  3. while washing your hands, also wash the tap you touched and door handle. Ordinary hand soap kills the virus
  4. Turn off the tap, dry hands, ideally with disposable towel.
  5. Use tissue to open door without touching handle.
  6. Cleanse hands with antibacterial after leaving loo.

There are several redundant layers of protection in there. And even if your host hasn’t provided sanitiser and disposable towels, you can take your own.

In the event that your would-be host can’t cope with the above, the pop in for an hour approach would be what I’d do.

When we had garden visitors the first time it was allowed, we thoroughly cleaned the downstairs loo before they arrived and put a clean towel in. While they were here, we used the upstairs loo. After they’d gone, we cleaned the downstairs loo again, sanitised potential touch points between the downstairs loo and back door, and put the towel straight in the wash. But they were from one household, so slightly different situation.

thecatneuterer · 11/07/2020 13:50

@ExpectTheWorst

Am not in the UK so have possibly missed something but what is the issue with toilets? If you can have people over why can’t they use your loo?
I'm in the UK and it seems just as crazy to me. Your guess is as good as mine.
BBCONEANDTWO · 11/07/2020 13:52

No don't go - I have to go to the loo usually every half hour when I'm drinking - sounds like a nightmare. If she has a separate loo you could use it and wipe it down I don't see the problem with that.

Iloveacurry · 11/07/2020 13:52

Obviously it won’t be the boozy lunch she’s expecting then.

Do it at your house next time.

GaraMedouar · 11/07/2020 13:58

OP - I wouldn’t go if no use of toilet. And would say the reason why. That’s ridiculous. After use each person can use some dettol wipes or spray or something. The trouble is if you know you won’t be able to use the toilet you’ll be desperate to go after 5 mins! (Well I would be anyway Grin)

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 11/07/2020 14:00

I'm the UK, as soon as we were allowed garden visits, visitors could enter another house either to pass through to the garden or to go to the toilet. I can understand why someone would want to be extra cautious re toilets and hygiene but my suggestion of our all sanitising/wiping etc after use were dismissed.
A less charitable friend has suggested (private message, not on group chat) that the hosting friend has never done her own housework but her cleaner hasn't worked through lockdown, and maybe she doesn't want us to see her house in a less than pristine state . I hope that's not true but it did make me laugh

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 11/07/2020 14:00

I leave liquid soap, kitchen roll, antibacterial wipes, Dettol spray in the loo. I ask all guests to close lid on loo before flushing and use at least dettol spray around loo, handles and door handle before leaving bathroom

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/07/2020 14:05

I had already offered to host and my house, but that was declined by this host

Bit odd isn't it?? Confused

Maybe she really does just want a load of free prosecco ... in which case the mini bottle idea's even better than it seemed!!

imsooverthisdrama · 11/07/2020 14:05

I honestly do not see the issue surely everyone washes their hands after using the loo ?.
If your that worried don't invite people round .

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/07/2020 14:07

I honestly get and respect her reason for not wanting people to use her loo but not sure why you would then invite people to lunch?

Oh, and I'm afraid you're bringing common sense into it here ... not always a safe thing to do where folks' reactions to Covid are concerned Wink

Katjolo · 11/07/2020 14:07

Don't go

maddening · 11/07/2020 14:07

Surely one bottle between 4 of you is fine if you all have to drive you could not have more than a glass each in any case.
That aside, no I would not drive an hour each way if I could not use a toilet, decline and say why.

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