How can I forgive MIL

[Hocuspocusandfairies]

A few years ago I had a miscarriage. MIL said she'd come down and sit with my children whilst I went into hospital only she changed her mind at the last minute when my husband went to pick her up.

This resulted in me going into hospital on my own as my husband stayed with our children and things got pretty serious as I had a haemorrhage. Once in A&E the crash team were around me as a doctor manually removed one sac and when was more stable I was taken to theatre to have a D&C to remove the other sac.

After this MIL didn't get in touch for 5 months.

The issue I have now is my husband says he can't stay angry forever with his mom as she's his mom. This causes conflict with us as I feel so very hurt and alone by it all.

How do I stop this coming between my husband an I as I can't seem to let go of the anger and blame towards her

Msflibble, thank you. You've summed it up perfectly for me with why I'm feeling the way I do.

The way I deal with my m’n’law is I do not have very high expectations for her - so I am never disappointed. I used to feel very much how it was awkward my m’n’law never said she was sorry for the messes she caused. She’d pretend nothing was wrong and act as normal. I did the English thing (I’m not English!) and became stoic and overcame my feelings to help facilitate relationships between her and my husband and children. My husband appreciates it - it’s helped deepen our relationship as he knows the sacrifices I have made. But, in hindsight it would have been better to sit down with her with my husband present and air my grievances - say my peace. Instead I have had 20 years of biting my tongue and stifling myself. I don’t think you can expect anyone in this work to give you an apology - but I do think you would benefit from sitting down with her, and with your husband present for support - tell her how you feel. Don’t bury it like I did.

I wouldn't forgive her I'm afraid , that's just me. She let you down at the very last minute .
I would try to stay neutral for dh sake but I would not socialize with her , she owes you an apology and an explanation. If she did that I would try to move on , if I could .

You were left to endure a big mental and physical trauma alone.

The reason for that is because your MIL let you and your DH down when it was too late to arrange anything else so that your DH could be with you.

It's all very well your DH saying it's time to forgive and forget, but it wasn't him haemorraging, having emergency surgery, and fearing for his life, was it? Easy for him to say when he didn't even see what you went through. It's all abstract to him.

You've been traumatised and your feelings about your MIL are entirely proportionate and appropriate. If it would make you feel better to have nothing to do with her again, then that's what you should do. Your DH will just have to deal with it.

This is so spooky because I went through a very, very similar situation. The details are almost identical, except it was a singleton pregnancy, not twins. It took years and years for me to come to terms with, and I will never, ever forget the betrayal.

When I first read the op, I didn't grasp that all this happened several years ago, I thought it was five months. It's not doing you any good to hang on to resentment for such a long time. You'll know not to ask her again and that is good because she won't be put on the spot.

Mother in law is probably someone who panics but doesn't want to expose herself by admitting it. Does your husband have any siblings and if so, could you ask them if they have had a similar experience with their mum? That might help you understand.

I've no doubt she is very sorry indeed.

A bit of plain speaking would be very helpful and a weight lifted off both your shoulders.

You don't have to forgive her at all. That poster is very unkind.

If I was being charitable could it be because she doesn't know what to say ? When I miscarried I got a letter of five pages long having a go because I hadn't asked about a family member who had been in a serious accident, we had no clue this had happened so fail to see how we could ask about something we knew nothing about, and the letter was just to me, not dh who also didn't ask.

I lost twins and on my son's birthday he was given twin trains. It is never talked about. She's never said a word. Just complained in the letter who her birthday would never be the same again, I had miscarried on her birthday, but the following year everything was the same as precious birthdays.

You should come before his mother now. He can do what he wants but he does not get to dictate how you conduct your life.

My MIL did something else completely unforgivable but I wouldn't expect my dh to cut her out. If she did anything else as bad he would have done through his own choice though.

Im sorry I am a very forgiving person and the fact she didn't bother to get in touch would cement it for me, your husband had to get intouch with her? Nah, I'd never look at that woman again, she sounds like a horrible bitch.

You didn't say why she didn't babysit but unless she was feeling ill etc she should have considering it was an emergency and a sensitive one at that.

Ugh Mils :_

I've no doubt she is very sorry indeed.

Really? It seems to me she doesn’t give a damn. Never even asking OP if she was ok after going through trauma.....

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I would nor forgive her, nor would I move on. Let DH see her, though not in your home, and allow him to facilitate contact with the kdis if needs be.

I dont get particularly well with my MIL but jesus I cannot imagine not speaking or having any contact for 5 months. Missing a GC birthday is unforgivable in itself. Why miss one child but acknowledge the other?

I personally do not think you are being U at all.

Forgive her. It’s a gift you give yourself. The forgiveness doesn’t mean you need a relationship with her. But let go of your anger and hurt.

If your MIL had just decided she couldn't be bothered, I wouldn't be able to forgive her.

But, tbh, it sounds like she had something important scheduled for the next day, and your DH prioritised going to work over ensuring she got back for her appointment, even if it meant he couldn't be there to support you. So, frankly, I'd have been upset most with your DH. he should have booked a couple of days off to be with you, which also would have allowed his mother to come for the hospital portion.

won't the not speaking for 5 months depend on how things were left?

if husband had stormed off angry with her and saying "don't bother us again" then she probably would wait for him to calm down before attempting contact? it doesn't sound like husband had been reaching out at all in those 5 months and being rebuffed? just neither were in touch until she sent a present for kids birthday.

So i don't see her not being in touch as a huge thing, if other party wasn't either.

I do understand why your husband may wish to continue his relationship with her. Ot is his Mum. What puzzles me is has he never discussed this incident?

Has anyone asked her why? Has anyone told her how you were affected?

It sounds as though you have unresolved trauma because of your loss and because of how traumatic the hospital experience was. You're directing all those feelings at your MIL because you can't face having a conversation where your DH takes responsibility for his role in the decision making and you don't know how to process the stress from what happened.
Forget about MIL for a moment. I think you need to focus on getting support for the miscarriage and the trauma. Once you have processed what happened, then you can look again at your relationship with your MIL and your DH.

She's not great and you don't need to forgive, you don't owe her anything. I would say however that your anger is in part misplaced. You went through an extremely traumatic event but that isn't her fault. And there was a lot of miscommunication on your DH's part. He is to blame a little bit here too. And when things got so bad why didn't he call his mother again and tell her things have taken a turn for the worse? That's what most people would do. And that would have given MIL the chance to try and fix things.

Ultimately, lots of parents have been in your position where one gets very sick and has to go to hospital alone because the other needs to look after the young children. It's not MIL's fault.

I don't think that I would be able to have anything to do with her at all

I wouldn’t forgive her unless she showed understanding and properly apologised.

She let you down. It’s not your fault.

i think it's important to identify exactly what is and is not her fault.

it is not her fault you had a miscarriage or that you haemorrhaged.

it is her fault that she changed your mind and you had to go alone. it is also her fault that she did not reach out to you.

you know you need to let your husband have a relationship with her because it is quite honestly abusive if you were to interfere with that but it is easier said than done. Plus you don't want to cause your husband pain to feel torn between the two of you.

you do as others have said deserve an explanation, but you may not get one. there may be so many reasons she changed her mind, perhaps she also lost a child and it was just too much. it is completely understandable for you to feel the way that you do but it is doing you more harm than good.

@PlanDeRaccordement

This part I stand by OP, you’ve been massively let down and had a near death traumatic experience. You should get therapy/counselling for this. I also think, you need to get DH and MIL in a room with you and hear what both of them have to say for themselves. From the course of events, it looks like poor communication between DH and MIL led to the wrong decisions and that meant you ended up alone and without any support. However, it does not appear to me that neither your DH or MIL acted out of malice or selfishness or uncaring. They do owe you some kind of apology and recognition that their choices did end up inadvertently causing you hurt.

I would agree with a lot of this. But while I agree the DH didn't act out of malice or selfishness or uncaring, I'm not so sure we can completely absolve MIL of that.

OP has said she has form for letting people down last minute, and there's no evidence that appointment actually existed. Yet she had offered to be there for a few days, no mention of the appointment then.

he wants me to be on good terms with his mom and I just can't.

Yes, the DH has his own part to play here. This^^ makes me think he's wanting OP to just brush it under the carpet without any regards to her own feelings.

OP, please do get some counselling for yourself, to help you process your grief.

She my have a reason and be justified.
i had a miscarriage - we told no one
Second one - told MIL as she was due to fly in and stay with us, she still flew in but stayed with friends and ignored us for the week and did not ring for 3 months.
Third one - she was in our house when it started happening and it was obvious she wanted to be any where but there.

Reason : she finally told us, she had suffered 3/4 late miscarriages herself, in a less than touchy feely generation and she was actually traumatised by the whole scenario. It was not that she did not care but more it brought back so much badness in her life, she could not cope emotionally. 30 years of buried grief and forgotten trauma recurred. Her description of how they were dealt with would cause anyone to be traumatised.

Still find her hard to deal with but I do understand now why she reacted as she did.

You need to have sensible conversation to move on from this, she may have a reasonable reason for her late decision. Perhaps she also miscarried and this brought back painful memories for her. Unless you talk this situation will never get resolved and it will always make it difficult for your DH and DC to spend time with her while you remain elsewhere. Your relationship with MIL will unlikely be the same but you should at least be able to be civil to each other if only for the other members of your family. Sure it won't be easy but bitterness and anger will only eat away. Better to forgive in your own way to lay it to rest.

While I agree what she did sounds awful, I do think it could be a bit more complex. One thing is that she offered initially. You have also said you had no other options, so MIL may have felt she was leaving you no worse off than if she hadn't initially offered - sounds like you were intending to go alone until she offered, so she may have seen it as retracting an optional bonus, rather than taking away something vitally needed.

Also, if she didn't come because dh was planning to work, then that suggests she was rating her convenience over DH's work, not over your wellbeing. Dh planning to work doesn't make it sound like it would be terrible for you to be alone... it feels like if your dh understood how vital it was for you not to be alone, then he should have been willing to cancel work to make that happen - or go the extra mile to get her home some other way.

And we don't know how that conversation went down. Did your DH tell her how important it was and ask her to please make a special effort or did he get stripy and say -fine then - if it isn't convenient, don't bother - we'll manage"?

I completely understand how hurtful it feels, especially when your own mum wasn't alive to support you. I can only imagine how hard it was to go through alone.... I am so sorry you had to do that and I am so sorry for your losses.

But it also feels like if you knew how hard it would be (as you expect MIL to know) you could have arranged something else, rather than wait for an offer from someone who has a record of being unreliable? And/or your Hubble could have found a way to make it work.

OP, my understanding is that this happened three years ago, and you have never had a frank conversation with her about your feelings? I think for your own healing, it would help for you to at least express your hurt to her directly and, if you can, hear her response openly,,,,, (in an email even). If you decide never to speak to her again after that, then fine. But I would hope it would give you a greater sense of clarity and acceptance.

For your DH, I think he should be able to have a relationship with her but should not expect you to....

It does sound like she went into a blind panic as a pp suggested and didn't feel she could approach you about it.

I would think she kept her distance for the same reason, doesn't feel she could approach you or you wouldn't understand especially if it's anxiety related.
It's disappointing and I'd be annoyed too but without knowing any of her reasons and she's obviously not comfortable to explain so I don't know how forgiving will work.
She is keeping her distance which is implying she isn't desperate for a relationship with you.
I would leave her to it and let dh see her without you, which is probably what she wants anyway.

Others will not agree with this but I would try and speak to your mil directly about this. I would then decide what to do on the basis of what she says. She could have underlying mental or physical health issues you don't know about.

if you let this go then you are agreeing with the MIL's message that you are worthless and it doesnt matter that you nearly died
that's what she is doing, it's a way of positioning you as a nothing person who doesnt matter