How can I forgive MIL

[Hocuspocusandfairies]

A few years ago I had a miscarriage. MIL said she'd come down and sit with my children whilst I went into hospital only she changed her mind at the last minute when my husband went to pick her up.

This resulted in me going into hospital on my own as my husband stayed with our children and things got pretty serious as I had a haemorrhage. Once in A&E the crash team were around me as a doctor manually removed one sac and when was more stable I was taken to theatre to have a D&C to remove the other sac.

After this MIL didn't get in touch for 5 months.

The issue I have now is my husband says he can't stay angry forever with his mom as she's his mom. This causes conflict with us as I feel so very hurt and alone by it all.

How do I stop this coming between my husband an I as I can't seem to let go of the anger and blame towards her

You are right; this was horrible behaviour from you MiL and it is so understandable to be hurt that your husband would want a relationship with her even after this weird and mean behaviour. Does your husband understand why the behaviour was so upsetting to you? What does he say about it? If he agrees that her behaviour was terrible and yet wants you to have a good relationship, what is he doing to mend those bridges? Whilst it’s not nice for him to be stuck in the middle, he is the one who can help mend this situation if he wants this relationship so badly. He needs to speak to her and explain that her behaviour was hurtful with very upsetting consequences. Perhaps then if she can explain her reasons (or just admit that she messed up big time), and ask for forgiveness, you might find it easier to continue the relationship. It’s amazing how our hearts can soften when someone is genuinely sorry. Of course you may still not be able to forgive, which is a different matter, but your husband is asking a bit much to want you to be sweetness and light with no apology or explanation at all. If that is his position then he is being unfair to you and I think it’s very understandable that you’d feel hurt by him too.

If this were a friend of mine I would check in to see how they were doing (and that is totally different to ‘asking for gory details.’)

I agree. You can support someone tactfully without asking for the gory details. If my friend had this happen, I certainly wouldnt just ignore her for the next 5 months!- thats crazy! I think this plus her previous unreliability and her changing the subject when your H mentioned you almost died indicates that she has all the empathy of a hairbrush.

I would not be talking to her. No way. I know people love to make excuses for shitty behaviour but sometimes people are just arseholes and it really is as simple as that.

How on earth can you forgive someone if they are not sorry? They have to give you the opportunity to forgive them. She has not done this.
I had a relative who abused me - if he genuinely asked for my forgiveness I'd give it but never has and I can only assume doesn't give a toss and is not contrite at all.
In that case how is forgiveness possible? If you forgive without that it is meaningless.
You can move on, you can forget but actual forgiveness takes two.
Personally I think your husband is not telling you everything that happened.

It would greatly bother me that your dh wants you to play 'happy families' again with no resolution. I can see that. But... I think for your own sanity somehow you need to 'let it go' - not forgive her, or be her best friend, just try and 'switch her off' and not let her take up any headspace. I definitely wouldn't be visiting or having her over. I had a similar situation, and dh was ready sooner than me to be forgiving - I guess there's a bond there, and he wanted to bring the kids over etc. It actually turned out great, in that when he brought them to see her I had time to myself - time to just chill and 'process' stuff. It sounds like it might be just what you need- time out. Maybe you could chat to a friend, or just do something YOU love doing, to try and process all that's happened. Or talk to someone. I feel for you, your situation reminds me of my own. Eventually I did the very rare 'appearance' with MIL, but it was strained, and was actually better when dh went alone with the kids. Mind yourself Xx

'He had to work so he wouldn't have got her back on time'
That puts a slightly different perspective on things . Taking care of the children so he could accompany you to the hospital is one thing but she might have resented babysitting because your dh was at work .
Was your dh hoping to fit in work and the hospital? Before everything went so badly wrong I mean .

I think for your own sake you need to find a way to process what happened and grieve as I think it will make you feel so much better within yourself.

I also think though that you don't need to see this women or have anything to do with her again.
Regardless of her not knowing how it went when you got there, you should never have been alone in that situation and she is the reason you were.
Tell your husband you won't stand in the way of his relationship with her but you do not want to hear about her, see her or have anything further to do with her.

I'm sending you a massive hug. X

@Hocuspocusandfairies

She told my husband that she had an appointment to get back for the following day, he had to work which she knew so he wouldn't have been able to get her back in time. She has cancelled on different occasions before but like I said I thought it would be different this time.

Well surely your husband should have told her it was an emergency, i really think that you should consider that your DH really didn't tell her the full story (sort of understandably, maybe he didn't know either) and has never told her. She (also understandably ) may not want to pry.

So MILs reason for cancelling overnight babysitting was
She told my husband that she had an appointment to get back for the following day, he had to work which she knew so he wouldn't have been able to get her back in time.

So it sounds to me that if your DH had called off work, MIL would have been able to babysit? So it was a joint decision between MIL and DH to cancel imho.

@Hocuspocusandfairies

She told my husband that she had an appointment to get back for the following day, he had to work which she knew so he wouldn't have been able to get her back in time. She has cancelled on different occasions before but like I said I thought it would be different this time.

Do you know what the appointment was for?

For those saying the MIL had no way of knowing what would happen that night, it's just not true is it? At the very least MIL was depriving OP of having her husband support her. Even if it hadn't been an emergency, I imagine OP might have liked to have her partner with her for emotional support. Nobody should have to go through that alone, that's before you even factor in any complications.

OP, I don't think you'd be unreasonable to tell him he can go round hers whenever he wants but you won't be going. Should there be family events then you'll consider it and remain civil if you attend. He (and MIL) need to understand that you are still grieving, and quite frankly what they want or need doesn't concern you right now as you need time and space to heal. They can do whatever they like together but you shouldn't be forced into anything you're not comfortable with.

She sounds evil. I would never forgive her. Your husband needs to support you in this. Ok he can have a relationship with her (even that I would find very difficult to accept, as it would feel like he is putting her above you), but I would NEVER have a relationship with this woman again. Unless some really great explanation and massive apologies were forthcoming from her, but that seems unlikely.
Stay strong OP, you're 100% right. Your husband needs to respect your feelings. Sadly, this could lead to long-term resentment between you two.

However, if you don't ask her then you will never find out...........

I have had a turbulent relationship with my MIL and it almost cost me my marriage. My husband just couldn't see her behaviour for what it was and therefore never addressed it. I completely understand your situation. You need him to defend you. I needed it too. The only way we could move forward with our relationship was for me to have no contact with his mother. I haven't seen her in a year and the only contact I've had is via a couple of texts. I don't reply unless it's important. She visits when I'm out. Our marriage will never be the same but it's improving.

Would love to hear MIL side of the story (also DHs)

Tell him you could try to forgive her if she apologised, but as she’s put no effort in then why should you? Might be worth having some counselling for the trauma regardless as these things are hard to deal with alone.

It might sound odd, but some people just are. Sadly my late mum was like this but it was accepted within the family that that was just how she was and she was never confronted with her selfish behaviour because we were scared of her moods and the silences that followed.

Nowhere near as bad as you op, but my mum said she would look after my baby so I could have my six weeks checkup. When I arrived, carrying my dd she met me at the door and refused to have her. I had to drive off and not attend. She had form. When my aunt died, I took time off work and drove to collect her. At the door she refused to get in the car. This lovely lady gave us holidays at her home and happy memories, I just could not comprehend this level of selfishness.
When her own brother died, she refused point blank to go. This time I insisted. She spent the day acting like the queen but no-one knew how hard it was for me to get her to attend. She was awful to me.

I think your MIL sounds very similar. My dm also would never speak of anything she had done wrong, it was ignored and never spoken of again. It is because she feels guilt and ignoring you means she does not have to acknowledge her poor behaviour. Your dh effectively forgiving her means it is okay now in her mind.

You cannot see her op, because she and you have not dealt with the elephant in the room. If your dh wants a relationship with her, well that is up to him. He really does need to put your feelings first though as it will cause conflict in your marriage because you cannot be second to this woman.

This was a missed miscarriage so I started bleeding lightly over a few days which got heavier until it kicked off properly. I was booked initially for a D&C later that week before it started to happen naturally. My husband didn't end up going to work for the rest of the week after he come back from his moms. She was the one that said she'd come and help me.

@callmeadoctor
I agree. The DH intending juggle work and be with OP in hospital doesn’t give impression of “family emergency” “traumatic event”

Sorry for your troubles. How far away does your MIL live?
Your DH is at fault here. He didn't press MIL to come back with him. He let her off the hook or played down the situation to her.

Your DH would have had to go and collect her anyway so your kids would have seen whatever they saw regardless of the MIL coming back or not.
Again your DH is at fault here if he took ages in your MILs house.

Your MIL is an oddball and there's nothing you can do about that.
All this fire and anger you have been holding for years is only doing YOU harm.

@SchadenfreudePersonified

I think you need to process it and let it go. That level of anger and resentment - understandable as it is! - is only harming you.

Normally I would agree with you - but forgiveness is a process. It's not a switch that can be flipped, like a light.

It takes time and the forgiver has to be in the right place emotionally to cope with it. Forgiveness - as opposed to biting the bullet and just getting on with it - can take years.

AND- importantly, it is incredibly difficult to forgive when there is no contrition on the part of the other person. You can never again feel the same about them, or look at them in the same light. You can never trust them, and you can end up becoming resentful and depressed towards yourself for not insisting on being shown some respect.

God didn't put any of us on this earth to be a doormat. Forgiveness is a two-way thing.

Why should this selfish, nasty woman be allowed to ride roughshod over everyone and only take part in the nice bits of being a mother, MIL and grandmother? Why should everyone dance to her tune.

As other's have said - OP's DH's relationship with his mother is his concern - but no-one should try to force OP to grin and bear it. This is how women get bullied into taking all of the crap in a family.

Had it been OP's mother who had let them down, I'll bet her DH wouldn't be so keen to get back on friendly terms - and no-one would be saying to him:

"Let bygones be bygones'

"Forgive and forget"

"Be the bigger person"

and all of the other platitudes that are rolled out whenever woman makes a stand for herself after bad treatment.

I said move on and let it go, not forgive.

Accepting what OP went through and coming to terms with it, not holding onto the resentment and accepting her MIL isn’t someone they can depend on isn’t the same as forgiving MIL.

I entirely agree it’s a process, and one I hope the OP gets help with.

You can let go of anger without forgiving the person who you are angry with. Accept they’ve shown who they are and adjust your relationship accordingly.

You can’t keep him from his mum, OP, and I think you know that. Their bond is important too.
But you have every reason to impose your own boundaries. He doesn’t get to tell you to forgive his mum.

FWIW OP - my MIL did something that massively disappointed me too; for a long time I cut her out of my life; then one day I realised that she was not worth the resentment, and that since I know what she's like now, she can't hurt me any further. I am now simply civil, I keep her at a distance, I have no love or feelings for her, I am no longer friends with her (which is very sad), I don't rely on her for anything, she has no power to hurt me anymore.

This is all confused with lots of issues - grief, disappointment, loneliness etc. I think you would greatly benefit from counselling.

Have you ever tried 'tapping' - I used that to try and get someone 'out of my head', someone I could never forgive and who wasn't sorry. It did help me move on... Its hard though, letting go. I think just try and explain that to your dh, that you're too hurt, and given the ignoring and lack of contact from MIL, its' impossible to just forget it and be best pals again.

YANBU

I wouldn't bother with her. Tell him you don't want to hear about it again.

Id sit with the kids of a random stranger to enable them not to be alone during a miscarriage.