How can I forgive MIL

[Hocuspocusandfairies]

A few years ago I had a miscarriage. MIL said she'd come down and sit with my children whilst I went into hospital only she changed her mind at the last minute when my husband went to pick her up.

This resulted in me going into hospital on my own as my husband stayed with our children and things got pretty serious as I had a haemorrhage. Once in A&E the crash team were around me as a doctor manually removed one sac and when was more stable I was taken to theatre to have a D&C to remove the other sac.

After this MIL didn't get in touch for 5 months.

The issue I have now is my husband says he can't stay angry forever with his mom as she's his mom. This causes conflict with us as I feel so very hurt and alone by it all.

How do I stop this coming between my husband an I as I can't seem to let go of the anger and blame towards her

meh - i would never ever forgive her. And i wouldn't forget it either.
If you don't want to see her, don't. If you don't want to engage with her, don't. You only need to have as much contact and engagement with her as you want.

Sad for your DH but it's understandable that he wants to keep his relationship with his mum. Although the fact he won't discuss how the episode made you feel, and still makes you feel, is weak and dismissive of your feelings. I'd be rather cross about that too.

I'd not forgive her and honestly I'd struggle to be civil.
She left her recently bereaved DIL go to hospital alone to receive help for het miscarriage. A time when you want your partner and own mother you were alone because your MIL didn't do the right and decent thing.
Not acknowledging this or apologising for her behaviour or offering supporting since shows she's not the person you need in your life.
With love I'd suggest counselling for yourself and maybe your husband so he can fully understand the trauma you've been through x

I think it's very telling that she missed a grandchild's birthday and only got in contact 5 months later. Do you usually go such prolonged periods without contact?It smacks of a guilty conscience on her part.

If she wanted to see my children it would be in my home on my terms. DH can do what he wants but a failure to seek any kind of acknowledgement by your MIL of your joint loss rather diminishes him in my view.

I can see that loads of people are piling on to the MiL here but I think some of the issues that the OP has to get through, emotionally, reside with her DH.
Why didn't her DH raise the repeated issue that his mother has let them down and quite spectacularly here?
Why didn't her DH say that "Mum, when we needed you, and we really needed you at this point 5 or so months ago, you weren't there for me for starters and for us after that. Why was that? What was more important to you than helping your son and his very ill wife out?"
Why hasn't your DH said something to his mother about how she hasn't been in touch with you over the past 5 or so months. Any sort of olive branch would have been a start.
Your DH has some work to do to help mend the rift that is forming and if he doesn't it may become so big that you can't see a way around it and that is a very sad prospect. He has to do more. It's not 100% MiL at fault here and while I know that you've said your DH had to stay to mind your children, in the intervening time, it reads as though he hasn't done anything to help to fix this

Letsplashmummy^^ totally agree

You need to forgive her I strongly disagree. Especially is the MIL hasn't acknowledged anything and apologized. Brushing things under the carpet because time has passed shouldn't be expected.

How long ago was this? In your OP you say you had a miscarriage a few years ago but then you say MiL didn't get in touch for 5 months

Forgive her - it's better for the soul.

Then have nothing further to do with her. And be icily polite on the rare occasions when you will have to see her in the context of family gatherings.

Your DH's relationship with his mother is his issue.

Op, you’ve said she didn’t know how bad it was, and much of this is all about just how bad it was. She made a decision not understanding the context from what you say,

How long ago was it? You say a few years. How many years. Could your anger be misdirected and is really about the miscarriage itself?

This was 3 years ago. My husband got in touch with her 5 months after the miscarriage and he's in contact every now and again via the phone but it's this that puts the divide between us that I can't forget and he wants to be in touch. This is the part I want to deal with. Letting go so I don't resent my husband having a relationship with his own mum

You don't need to forgive her but you do need to allow your husband to choose to have a relationship with her, if that's his choice.
I totally understand your resentment of his choice, by the way - but you don't have a right to stop him.
Equally he doesn't have a right to force you to forgive her or see her or have a relationship with her.

The reason I understand your feelings of resentment are because I have a similar situation with my BIL. We have never got on that well but he has several times created massively appalling situations, usually when drunk but not always. He has alcohol-related issues but is not an alcoholic - just behaves like an utter cunt when he's drunk. We've had restraining orders against him to keep him away from the house etc.
One time he came to the house looking for my husband (his brother), who wasn't home. I was in the garden with my 3yo and I was very curt with him because I wanted him to leave immediately. He lost his temper, called me many bad things (with my son listening), told me to fuck off because no one wanted me here, and that I had no respect (well no, not for him, why would I?) and so on. A frightening tirade - luckily I had my phone on me so I made to call the police, and he left, still cursing me as he went.

I told my husband I would not have him here again, and that by allowing him to come here, my husband was condoning his behaviour.
That lasted a few months but he still shows up - he's not allowed in the house at all, and he's not allowed to hang around for long, but still he comes. DH can't cut him off because it would "break their mother's heart" - and she too has had a go at me for not "getting over it". I told her exactly what her precious son said to me and all she did was say that she felt like she was caught in the middle and hope that my sons never did this to me. I stay on terms with her but will not talk to BIL at any price.

You need to talk through what happened with someone outside of the family. If you haven't yet sought counselling, I suggest you do - this has been a devastating experience and her behaviour (and now your DH's) is just adding to the trauma. You really must find someone who can help you deal with the grief, the trauma, the anxiety and the loss.

Oh dear lord the people tying themselves in knots to defend the MIL are really confusing me here.

The MIL offered to come on the day she was needed and the day OP’s husband went to collect her. She allowed him to set off to collect her presumably knowing she had changed her mind.

It doesn’t matter that MIL didn’t know that the miscarriage was going to escalate the way it did or end up with complications risking OP’s life. It was still a miscarriage - even a ‘straightforward’ one was going to be traumatic and it was totally understandable that OP wanted her husband there. A decent mother, grandmother and person would have helped as SHE HAD ALREADY OFFERED TO.

The pp blaming OP and saying she should have made a plan B - honestly there are no words.

Sounds like the appointment was made up
anyway based on MIL’s previous form. And the fact she’d originally offered to stay and help for several days without reference to this appointment, only mentioning it at the last possible minute when it was already too late to sort a plan b. But even if it actually was a real and unmissable appointment, if you’d promised to help someone out who was going through a miscarriage, then had to let them down at the very last minute, wouldn’t you explain what the appointment was and why you couldn’t miss it. Wouldn’t you contact that person to say sorry again afterwards and ask if there was anything you could do whilst that parson was recovering?

It doesn’t matter that the MIL wasn’t told how bad the situation got. She knew HER SON and his wife lost a baby and she just never bothered to call or visit or offer any subsequent help or support of any kind? She chose to ignore one grandchild’s birthday completely and then randomly send a card and money for the other grandchild 5 months later.

I mean I’m not sure I’d forgive her the unequal treatment of the two grandchildren - how did you explain that to the one who got nothing? Let alone the other more serious stuff.

OP I’m very sorry for your loss and for the trauma you’ve been through. I’m sorry you had to face it alone. It is perfectly understandable if you don’t feel up to forgiving MIL and your feelings about how your husband can forgive so easily are equally valid too. What is he like when you try to discuss with him? Is he open to understanding where you’re coming from or is he dismissive? Were you offered counselling after your experiences and is that something you could look into together?

Of course you won't forget, nobody is asking you to forget.

Maybe some help with processing what happened to you would help you to leave this lack of support in the past?
Not that many of us come that close to their own mortality and it is FRIGHTENING in a really real way that has a tendency to colour everything that went along with the event.
It may be that it is 'easier' for you to stay angry with her rather than accept your losses, grieve the babies you did not get to have and process quite how dangerous the whole thing was for you.

Reading this, OP, the things that strike me most are that you miss your mother terribly and you say you have no one to talk things through with. You also had no one else but your pretty hopeless mother-in-law to turn to when you needed practical help. Can I suggest that you look to develop other relationships, make friendships, maybe even get some counselling? Your mother-in-law really isn't worth much of your time or thoughts but you need female friendship and support. It's fair enough that your husband wants to have the best relationship he can with his mother without you making much effort in that direction yourself. That's just my immediate impression, and I really hope things improve for you.

YANBU op. My FIL skipped out on coming to help look after the kids while my DH was away on a business trip during my mother's last weeks on earth - we live abroad normally but we were staying in a place near my parents so we could see her each day. MIL came alone and was obviously stressed and irritable without him, it put a lot of strain on our relationship. His reason for refusing to come and help for a few days while my mum died of cancer?
A golf tournament.

I have forgiven it on some level, but on another I haven't, and I don't think I can ever truly forget it. Nevertheless, I don't let it affect our relationship in the present.

You will probably find it helpful do the same; that's how families stay together. You have to smooth over old resentments for the sake of familial cohesion, which is important whether we like it or not and should be maintained wherever possible.

This is the part I want to deal with. Letting go so I don't resent my husband having a relationship with his own mum

Well on that one I do agree that that is more of a DH issue than a MIL issue. I think if you’re going to let go you need to address with your husband why he was so quick to let go and never challenge his mother on why she let you all down so badly. Very much agree with LookItsMeAgain - it really does come down to why he never addressed it at the time. Has she EVER acknowledged what happened? Even in the years since? Has he ever asked her to? I’m not sure I could ever let it go and move on if I never had an apology from her and never had an acknowledgement from him that actually yes his mother really did let you both down and e recognises how much that affected you.

What kind of mother was she to him growing up? If this kind of lack of support and selfishness was all he knew then maybe he’s never going to be able to confront her?

Hi OP. I lost my mum when I was 24. She wasn’t there to see me get my professional qualification, my wedding, my children etc etc. 30 years later it still hurts. I think at times I tried to treat my MIL and friends mums as my replacement mum. So I expected too much from them emotionally and physically. Ultimately they parented differently to my mum and so in hindsight it was unfair of me to expect anything from them. When my MIL died my ExH and I found out that she had lost many babies, had suffered terribly from undiagnosed post natal depression (was put on ADs and stayed on them for the rest of her life) and had had an old fashioned C section that went down her body rather than across like they do now. She never talked about any of that. I think that was a generational thing. But I think if I had known this I perhaps would not have expected her to behave how I thought she should.

I think you have recognised that your MIL is flaky and you personally don't want anything to do with her. And that is fine.

TBH the reason for the rift, or the final straw, for the rift between the two of you is a separate thing. What seems to be the biggest thing here is you and your DH and how you want to handle it. You can only do that by talking about it.

I'm a notorious grudge holder - but i also do explain to people exactly why they're off my Christmas card list.

What kind of relationship does he want to have with her?
Meeting up regularly? Speaking on the phone? Holidaying?

I don't get why your husband is expecting you to play happy families with her. She let you down and caused you to have to deal with a difficult situation by yourself and still hasn't had the decency to apologise. It's no wonder you don't want anything to do with her. Leave him to it.

You don't need to forgive her or make any effort with her in the future. It's not just the question of not helping, it's the not phoning for five months and now that she does know, having the courage to apologise for letting you down.

I wish I had some good advice for HOW to let your anger go. That is so hard and it's very hard not to dwell on it.

The only thing I can say is FORGIVE YOURSELF for being angry and having a hard time letting it go. If you give yourself a lot of 'shoulds' - 'I should feel this by now, I should be able to do this' it will make things worse and maybe prolong things.

Could you try writing a letter to her and also maybe your husband? Not to send, but to get all of your feelings out and then maybe thinking of doing something symbolic to letting it go???

It's corny (can you tell I grew up in the US too? ) but who knows? It might work.

OP, I really feel for you here having read all your posts (should have done that in the first place shouldn't I!?). I can totally relate to that feeling of wanting PIL to be there for me in the same way that my mum and dad would be and it's painful when they aren't. Truth is, when we lose a parent too soon, we desperately hope someone else will take over the role, and we hate them for not living up to it and dashing those hopes. She isn't your mother, and I think on some level you're angry at her for that, and for betraying you in a way your own mother wouldn't have. And you're also angry at your DH for also not showing the loyalty that a parent would in failing to stand up to her for you. So much of this anger is brought on by grief. And I know, because I feel the same way too.
You don't have to forgive her. But you do have to understand that your DH isn't going to ever truly understand your feelings because he hasn't lived them, and you have to come to terms with the fact that he cannot choose between you and his mother.
Good luck OP. I'm so sorry for your losses.

I know it's very very hard to understand but your husband would have to be a very damaged person to be able to just cut off his mom over something like this, as awful as she's been. You sound lovely, so does he. It's only really possible to bring yourself to cut off a parent if they're relentlessly toxic and even then it's terribly hard. This was callous rather than malicious and I can understand why it doesn't get the threshold for him to cut her off, as hard as that is to emotionally get your head around. A part of him will still be a child and he can't switch that connection off, even if he wanted to.

A number of things strike me.

I think your anger is misplaced, I think you are grieving the loss of your own mother, even though his mother has been an ass, at least your DH has his mum.

Your DH is entitled to his own relationship with his mother - that's his choice.

It was 3 years ago, maybe she honestly has forgotten about it and is assuming you will have. She may have had miscarriages, maybe even awful ones and this has made it less obviously traumatic to her? 3 years is a long time to hold onto this resentment. For your own peace, forgive her, of course don't have her in your life if you don't want, but put it to rest. It isn't worth it. It is toxic for your peace of mind.

It’s not worth the hate , you only have to forgive once.
Move on, don’t do it for her do it for yourself.
And actually forgive her , have her in your life with no conditions .