How can I forgive MIL

[Hocuspocusandfairies]

A few years ago I had a miscarriage. MIL said she'd come down and sit with my children whilst I went into hospital only she changed her mind at the last minute when my husband went to pick her up.

This resulted in me going into hospital on my own as my husband stayed with our children and things got pretty serious as I had a haemorrhage. Once in A&E the crash team were around me as a doctor manually removed one sac and when was more stable I was taken to theatre to have a D&C to remove the other sac.

After this MIL didn't get in touch for 5 months.

The issue I have now is my husband says he can't stay angry forever with his mom as she's his mom. This causes conflict with us as I feel so very hurt and alone by it all.

How do I stop this coming between my husband an I as I can't seem to let go of the anger and blame towards her

[FreddoFrogAddict]

Your emotions are entirely natural and understandable. Most of us would drop everything to help out a neighbour we hardly knew in those circumstances, so being let down by such a close family member is especially hurtful.

However, I believe your stance will cause YOU more stress and problems in the long term, which is the only reason I would advise extending an olive branch - not for her benefit but for yours. I went no contact with my in-laws many many years ago due to their awful treatment of me. I was ok with DH seeing them but I wanted nothing more to do with them. After about 8 months and much pleading by DH and then MIL, I did agree to see them as it was so difficult for DH, and family occasions such as weddings were a minefield. Much like you, the issue with MIL was never far from my mind and caused me a lot of stress. Since then we have rubbed along ok. I have the measure of them and I'm just very polite and keep conversation superficial. I've never forgiven or forgotten what they put me through, but they no longer cause me any issue as I can tolerate smiling and nodding for a few hours every couple of months, and I'm glad that my DC have a relationship with their paternal grandparents.

I would also recommend you seek bereavement counselling, via an organisation like Cruse Bereavement Care.

[Davros]

@AnneOfQueenSables

It sounds as though you have unresolved trauma because of your loss and because of how traumatic the hospital experience was. You're directing all those feelings at your MIL because you can't face having a conversation where your DH takes responsibility for his role in the decision making and you don't know how to process the stress from what happened.
Forget about MIL for a moment. I think you need to focus on getting support for the miscarriage and the trauma. Once you have processed what happened, then you can look again at your relationship with your MIL and your DH.

Wise words

[Davros]

@AnneOfQueenSables

It sounds as though you have unresolved trauma because of your loss and because of how traumatic the hospital experience was. You're directing all those feelings at your MIL because you can't face having a conversation where your DH takes responsibility for his role in the decision making and you don't know how to process the stress from what happened.
Forget about MIL for a moment. I think you need to focus on getting support for the miscarriage and the trauma. Once you have processed what happened, then you can look again at your relationship with your MIL and your DH.

Wise words

[Shelby2010]

Why does your DH want you to have a good relationship with her? I bet it’s to make his life easier, so you can arrange visits, go with him to take the kids to see her, buy her birthday present etc Do all the wifework in fact.

I don’t see how you can forgive her unless she actually apologises or at least acknowledges how badly she let you down. On the other hand I wouldn’t let it come between you and your DH that he still speaks to her. So don’t get upset if he calls her - she is nothing to you, polite disinterest is the way to go.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

What @Shelby2010 says

[ButteryPuffin]

Yes, @Shelby2010 has it

[forrestgreen]

Would writing a letter to your own mum put your thoughts in order for you, I did this then burnt it in the fire so the smoke would rise. I realise that not for everyone.
I think you need to separate your mil poor behaviour from you'd dh wish to have contact with his mum.
You can't forgive her as she's not apologised. Has your dh had a proper discussion with her about it. If he can't manage that then it's a bit rich for him to ask you to get over it.

I'd be working towards not being bothered about their relationship but he can't ask you to be involved.
Sorry for your loss.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

It's possible that she had her own trauma to deal with - BUT if she did, it would surely not be that hard to say "I'm sorry I couldn't face helping out after all because of my own miscarriages, which I try not to think about"

She hasn't said any of that. Hasn't said anything much of anything to the OP apart from just trying to flit past it - and the DH is now wanting to make his own life easier by reconciling the OP and his mother.

I still say the best option is to let him have his relationship with his mother - you can't stop it anyway - and try to understand that it IS his mum, and not resent him for the fact that his mother is still alive and yours is, sadly, not. But you do not need to have any contact with her unless YOU choose to, which you might decide to, after you've had some therapy. xx

[HypatiaCade]

What is it that he wants from a relationship with his mother? She's never going to be that caring, loving mother to him. Is he still seeking that?

I think you are in a difficult situation here. She didn't deliberately do something harmful to you. She was very thoughtless though. But it sounds like you knew that's what she was like anyway, and it was a case of hope over experience in thinking she would see it through this time.

You do need to let go of the anger, but you don't need to then be close to her. Be civil, but don't 'always' be there for her. Treat her in roughly the same way she treats you. Consider any occasions with her as options rather than requirements. Don't go out of your way for your, ever. If there is something else you would prefer to do, then do it. She is not an essential part of your family unit. If your DH gets upset because you don't want to meet with her on a particular day, point out to him that she doesn't prioritise you, why should you prioritise her. But, by harbouring ill will to her you are giving her too much headspace. The negatitivity is too emotionally consuming for you. You need to get to a space where your feelings to her are more neutral.

[BestDaysAheadOfMe]

Nah, i would not forgive. Let your husband deal with her, see her and make it clear you will not be getting involved.
Like ppl said, it’s not just changing her mind which in itself is unforgivable inless there is a very good reason why she acted that way. It’s the 5 months of ignoring, the fact that she was not interested to get in touch (a card to your son doesnt count!), the fact that it’s your husband who reached out not her. She then goes on to totally ignore a mention of you like you don’t even exist.

Your husband needs to find a better way of dealing with this not you, are wake up to the fact that his mum is a bloody awful woman. I bet he would have stories to tell from his childhood to support that.
Draw the line, you don’t need shitty ppl like her in your life. It’s your husband who needs to put you first before his (awful) mother.

[SnuggyBuggy]

I don't think it's so much about forgiveness but accepting that this woman is a person who doesn't have much to offer. Time is precious and it's better to focus your time on those who overall bring something positive to your life. Even if you do forgive MIL she isn't going to change and expecting anything from her is just going to lead to disappointment.

It's different for DH as he is probably just used to her and doesn't see her bad behaviour as anything out of the ordinary.

[Cauliflower82]

YANBU I couldn’t ever forgive this and I am genuinely a very forgiving person.

[Cauliflower82]

Perfectly summed up here

[Cauliflower82]

By @SnuggyBuggy

[MeridianB]

Has your husband explained why he is prepared to let this go (not have a full explanation and apology)? I’d be interested in that as part of his decision to continue the relationship.

But I’d want nothing to do with her until I had an apology and explanation. It matters. She had five months to process her feelings and come up with a grown-up response and she failed spectacularly in the phone call with your DH. It’s shabby behaviour and you owe her nothing.

[Isthisit22]

Tell him you're perfectly happy to forgive... When she actually apologises about it. That leaves the ball in her court.
How can he expect you to get on with her when she's not even sorry.

[ChockyBicky]

I wouldn't forgive her or have anything to do with her.
However she doesn't owe you anything you're not entitled to an explanation, it might be for reasons that are nothing to do with you and even if she has a genuine reason for not doing it she might not want to discuss it with you.

You owe her nothing she owes you nothing but she probably feels that you expect her to explain herself like a naughty girl and apologise and ego tends to get int the way of these things especially when she feels she's being scrutinised.

Her attitude is probably that she doesn't need to humble herself to you to validate how you feel which she probably didn't intend for you to feel this way, only you are responsible for your feelings and she isn't responsible for you being unwell or in fact any of the things that happened to you.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person but she doesn't owe you an apology for your feelings, she doesn't have that sort of respect for you so it would be forced, just respect yourself and walk away. You've nothing to lose.

[Ladybyrd]

Him forgiving her isn't a slight against you, although I can understand why it feels that way. She is still his mum, even if it's a crap one. He doesn't want to cut her off completely, and that's fair enough. You do, and that's fair enough too.

As for telling you you should forgive her, I'd explain that it's very difficult to forgive someone who has never apologised or even acknowledged that they did something wrong. So no, on that basis, you don't want her in your home or to have anything to do with her. I wouldn't just pretend nothing happened and I'd let him know that if he forced the issue by bringing her into my home, I'd have no hesitation in telling her what I thought of her.

I do think you're projecting a lot of the unfairness of what happened onto her. She triggered you at a time of massive emotional upheaval. I say this as someone who had 2 miscarriages. I was very angry afterwards, and would find myself misdirecting it at times because I just didn't know what to do with it. I don't say this out of sympathy for her but concern for you. That old chestnut "being angry only hurts you".

Nevertheless, if he pushed it, I'd make it clear you don't forgive her and ask him why he's turning it back on you and making an issue out of it. Might be the whole lockdown thing has caused him regret over falling out with her - he might want to forget all about it - but that doesn't mean you can too.

[Thoughtsasmuch]

So she agreed to babysit your child and last minute something came up and she couldn't help.
Now you're blaming her because things at hospital didn't go as smoothly as you'd hoped and you're own mum is not here anymore.
And you can never forgive her?

Are you quite young op?
Older people tend to be a bit more resilient in life and it does sound like your a particularly sensitive sole so maybe she can't be bothered with it all, she probably sees not forgiving her for not being able to help you out as not wanting to tip toe on egg shells for someone deeply sensitive who she didn't choose to be in her life.

I personally avoid people like you too op you sound like a nightmare and life's too short.

Some people are just different and you and her sound like chalk and cheese but she shouldn't lose her son and grandchildren because she's got a temperamental dil.

[Rottnest]

@Thougthasmuch, what a kind empathetic soul you are, NOT!!!

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

@Thoughtsasmuch

Did you purposely misunderstand what the OP wrote? Lawd, you got it so wrong. How embarrassing.

[KetoWinnie]

I wonder if you end up relegating them.

Im trying to make up with my own mother but she has done some shockingly disrespectful things that she will not acknowledge. My looking for her to acknowledge they were hurtful angers her which re traumatises me.

So i have relegated her. Not what i wanted. I wanted a relationship where hurts could be worked out. But we dont have that.

Accepting that is a relegation. :-/

In yr shoes, I would have felt very let down by that.

[GabriellaMontez]

@Thoughtsasmuch did you deliberately misunderstand the OP or are you thick?

[Hocuspocusandfairies]

Thoughtasmuch, I wouldn't worry, I'm sure people go out of their way to avoid people like you with your shitty attitude. You're so way off the mark it's actually funny.

As for everybody else, thank you so much for your views and advice. Very much appreciated and it has made me realise that I have never properly grieved for my mum or babies and I think counselling is the way to go.

[SnuggyBuggy]

@Thoughtsasmuch what do you honestly get out of posting something like that?