How can I forgive MIL

[Hocuspocusandfairies]

A few years ago I had a miscarriage. MIL said she'd come down and sit with my children whilst I went into hospital only she changed her mind at the last minute when my husband went to pick her up.

This resulted in me going into hospital on my own as my husband stayed with our children and things got pretty serious as I had a haemorrhage. Once in A&E the crash team were around me as a doctor manually removed one sac and when was more stable I was taken to theatre to have a D&C to remove the other sac.

After this MIL didn't get in touch for 5 months.

The issue I have now is my husband says he can't stay angry forever with his mom as she's his mom. This causes conflict with us as I feel so very hurt and alone by it all.

How do I stop this coming between my husband an I as I can't seem to let go of the anger and blame towards her

You don't have to forgive her or forget it but I think for your own sanity you should try and move past and just tell yourself she is not the person you would like her to be, she is obviously fairly self centred and unreliable you cannot expect anything from her in terms of support, just accept this, and put her to one side.
If you have contact with her in the future,(which I think you should for your DH's sake) just be polite with her, and remember she doesn't have to play a major part in your life or be your best buddy,
I also think you need some bereavement counselling, because , without realising it you are comparing your MIL's behaviour with that of your own DM.
I don't think that those who have never had a miscarriage quite realise the trauma that this can cause especially if you are already emotionally fragile.
Stop focussing on your MIL she doesn't warrant all that emotional energy, look after you first, she really shouldn't (like she does now) take up your emotional energy.

@Hocuspocusandfairies

This was a missed miscarriage so I started bleeding lightly over a few days which got heavier until it kicked off properly. I was booked initially for a D&C later that week before it started to happen naturally. My husband didn't end up going to work for the rest of the week after he come back from his moms. She was the one that said she'd come and help me.

So, to make sure I am understanding you did the MIL, when she promised to babysit, promise for the day of the D&C later that week? But when you started to bleed more days before, your DH went up to ask her if she could come and babysit right now as in days before the D&C appointment which is the actual day she had agreed to babysit?

I would tell husband to do what he wants, but that I dont want anything to do with her. I wouldnt have her in my house either.

I would find it very difficult to put that behind me OP so if you do manage to, you’re a better woman than me.

The OP doesn’t know why MIL changed her mind and that’s the problem - she hasn’t explained herself and I think she should.

The day my husband went to collect her was the day she'd agreed to come. She never said it would be for less than 24 hours she said she'd be there for a few days. Yes she probably changed her mind but she never said just at the last minute made an excuse and I'm not being harsh when I say that because she's done it before. Believe it or not the day of the D&C was a school day so my husband was going to take me to the hospital, drop kids off at school then come back to the hospital to be with me.

DH can’t expect you to be on “good terms” or even civil with her after that, but equally you can’t expect him to cut her out his life. I would suggest DH have a relationship with her on his own, no inviting her round, bringing her up all the time etc. If somewhere in the future MIL wants to apologise and talk about what happened then thats another story.

I think a few things that I am going to share with you.

1. She is never going to give you a satisfactory explanation. From the behaviour she has displayed it shows that she has a disconnect in her emotions and empathy.
2. It was extremely hurtful both her changing her mind and then not contacting you.
3. You need to spend some time trying to feel your anger about this - as at the moment you are blocking it and its making you feel worse.
4. How you feel it could be by writing a letter to your mil (that you don't send) that details how much you were hurt and how abandoned you felt. The rip it, or burn it and in the burning of it choose to let go of your anger. To forgive her, is about you letting it go, not letting her off.
5. You may need to come up with a mantra to help you with this. 'She hurt me. I let it go. I am okay. I am safe'. That you repeat when the feelings come up again.
6. From there you decide your boundaries. That may be that you don't have contact her again. That you don't participate in family events.

1. Your husband and his relationship with his mother. No matter how damaged nor neglectful parents are - a child's love runs very deep.
2. I hope you can speak with him and come up with a plan together for how you are going to navigate the relationship moving forward.As I said above it may be - he sees her, your grandchildren see her but you don't. You both need to respect what you come up with and not niggle or hold the difference of opinion against each other.

1. Please consider grief counseling. Losing a loved baby is very sad and having someone external to speak through your feelings can be so healing.

You are right to have felt hurt on top of hurt, acknowledge it but don't let it eat away at your peace. All the best x

If you had died which was a reasonable possibility; would your husband have forgiven her for the fact you died alone and he never got to say goodbye? I'd have to know the answer to that before I could even forgive your husband for talking to her.

I'm surprised you can open the door to her house with the amount of stuff she must have swept under the carpet.

I couldn't let this go. And I don't think your husband is being fair to you, expecting you to move on and accept your mils behaviour at the time and in the months since. And as you say she has previous for this sort of behaviour I would be avoiding as much as possible.

My MIL has always tried to be controlling. She did something similar to what the OP described and I have cut her off. See them about once a year for a couple of hours and that's it.

I found if you put up with and forgive shit, they come back to do similar again.

What she hates is I hold the cards and can't dictate

My first assumption was that MIL must feel absolutely crap and too guilty to address her inadequacies as a human being, but the thread portrays an unfeeling wretch who doesn't really deserve your friendship or respect. Who knows what her story is? . . Her son, perhaps.. but she is certainly not your problem. Please get some counselling to help you come to terms with your loss, trauma and abandonment.

OP with the greatest of respect you have placed responsibility for the situation completely on your MIL. But there were 3 adults involved and you each had a part to play. You, knowing your MIL has form for cancelling last minute, should have made a plan b. Your DH should have made sure he was available the next day and arranged it with his boss - it was a serious procedure and he should have cleared his diary and would have been able to get your MIL to her appointment. And your MIL should have tried to rearrange her appointment to be there. Maybe she did but it was serious so was reluctant to miss it. I don’t think it’s fair to lay the blame completely at her door. It is very sad that you went through it alone. I hope you find peace with it.

I went through a hemorhage when giving birth to my son - the very first thing the resus team did was heard my DH out of the theatre and I didn’t have anyone for roughly 3-4 hours while I recoperated. It’s unreasonable to blame her for you being alone - because you would have been alone anyway. You are not unreasonable to blame her for flaking out of agreed plans but you do need to unpin those feelings from the miscarriage.

My relationship with my MiL has been tainted by things she did that went against our wishes / completely disregarded my feelings about my miscarriages. I am polite and civil these days but I'm afraid I cannot forget the fact she paid no consideration to our feelings / emotions / wishes during the extremely difficult times we had and showed very little compassion or understanding. Worst thing about it all DH tried to talk to her about some of the stuff and why it was so upsetting and she just didn't get it and made it all about herself

There is no point in still being upset about your Mil after all this time. You are only harming yourself mentally now. You Mil may feel guilty about letting you down,and can't come out into the open with her feelings about it. She may well tell you why she let you down if you can talk to her now.

@PlanDeRaccordement

“A few years ago I had a miscarriage. MIL said she'd come down and sit with my children whilst I went into hospital only she changed her mind at the last minute when my husband went to pick her up.”

we now know that MIL agreed to babysit the day of a scheduled D&C, but DH showed up several days before asking MIL to drop everything and babysit that night instead as OP had to go in earlier. MIL said yes, so long as DH could get her back for an appointment the next day. DH said, no, because he had work. So DH and MIL jointly decided to not have MIL come down

“This resulted in me going into hospital on my own as my husband stayed with our children and things got pretty serious as I had a haemorrhage. Once in A&E the crash team were around me as a doctor manually removed one sac and when was more stable I was taken to theatre to have a D&C to remove the other sac.

After this MIL didn't get in touch for 5 months.”

^We now know MIL was not informed of any of the events at the hospital. She was told something about it 5 months later when the DH called to thank her for a birthday card she had sent for one of their DSs.
MIL is reported to have acknowledged it, but not apologised and changed the subject. But it was DH on the phone so OP doesn’t know exactly what was said or not said^

OP, you’ve been massively let down and had a near death traumatic experience. You should get therapy/counselling for this. I also think, you need to get DH and MIL in a room with you and hear what both of them have to say for themselves. From the course of events, it looks like poor communication between DH and MIL led to the wrong decisions and that meant you ended up alone and without any support. However, it does not appear to me that either your DH or MIL acted out of malice or selfishness or uncaring. They do owe you some kind of apology and recognition that their choices did end up inadvertently causing you hurt.

Wow the DH hasn’t painted himself in glory here. OP you need to stop blaming your mil for his mistakes.

YANBU OP.
You don’t have to forgive her. She let you down and has never apologised it or acknowledged the hurt she caused you.

I’d be fine with DH seeing her but she wouldn’t be in my presence again.

Sorry OP, mynlast post postedcwhike I was trying to edit your update. I have asked MNHQ to remove it.

Yes, I see it was prepoanned day now. But still DH and MIL should have worked around her appointment.

Id sit with the kids of a random stranger to enable them not to be alone during a miscarriage.

Me too. I am child free by choice and I can’t imagine letting any woman go through that alone. And I’d be very hurt if my husband wanted to re establish a relationship with anyone who had let me down as badly as your MIL did you, OP. With no acknowledgement or apology, resuming a relationship with her sends the message that her behaviour is ok.
You aren’t BU, OP, and you don’t need to forgive.

This part I stand by
OP, you’ve been massively let down and had a near death traumatic experience. You should get therapy/counselling for this. I also think, you need to get DH and MIL in a room with you and hear what both of them have to say for themselves. From the course of events, it looks like poor communication between DH and MIL led to the wrong decisions and that meant you ended up alone and without any support. However, it does not appear to me that neither your DH or MIL acted out of malice or selfishness or uncaring. They do owe you some kind of apology and recognition that their choices did end up inadvertently causing you hurt.

I think it's a toss up between MIL and DH as to who has behaved worse. He was vague and unhelpful when MIL asked how she'd get home in time for her appointment. If it was a reasonable conversation, he'd have reassured her "if it's bad, I'll be off work," for example. Him giving the impression that he was off to work as normal the next day is hardly giving MIL enough info. If he just kind of stormed off in a "fine, don't help," way - which sounds likely given she's been out of contact, then he needs to look at how he talks to people and interacts.

I just can't imagine how the conversation would have gone, if she changed her mind but he was explaining the situation properly. I can imagine her panicking if he appeared to be forcing a decision and she didn't know how long, how to get home etc.

I don't see why he didn't try someone else, but just resigned himself to staying home with the kids once his mum couldn't come. He sounds just as flaky and unsupportive, tbh.

You have a few options here op....

Either you & DH or just DH need to get to the bottom of this & find out why she cancelled & why she went on to ignore you for months. Then go from there.

Or allow your DH & DCs to maintain a relationship with her on the basis that you are not involved. I think this is more than fair. You certainly don't owe her anything.

Personally I'd really want to know why she cancelled last minute but more importantly why she ignored you for 5 months after. If she's unwilling to admit/acknowledge her actions I'd find it pretty hard moving on.

Sorry for the loss of your mum 💐

I could forgive and move on from this if there was a conversation about why she did what she did and an apology. If that doesn't happen then how are you expected to move forward?

Your DH should respect your decision. It's not all about what he wants