How can I forgive MIL

[Hocuspocusandfairies]

A few years ago I had a miscarriage. MIL said she'd come down and sit with my children whilst I went into hospital only she changed her mind at the last minute when my husband went to pick her up.

This resulted in me going into hospital on my own as my husband stayed with our children and things got pretty serious as I had a haemorrhage. Once in A&E the crash team were around me as a doctor manually removed one sac and when was more stable I was taken to theatre to have a D&C to remove the other sac.

After this MIL didn't get in touch for 5 months.

The issue I have now is my husband says he can't stay angry forever with his mom as she's his mom. This causes conflict with us as I feel so very hurt and alone by it all.

How do I stop this coming between my husband an I as I can't seem to let go of the anger and blame towards her

Thank you so much for everyone's kind comments. It helps to get it off my chest

Fuck that. I would never forgive her. And I wouldn't want to hear a word about her from my husband

I AGREE! Sure, something might have come up for her but to leave it 5 months without a single explanation is quite simply, despicable.

As far as I am concerned, she would be on her own now. If your H wants to contact her, thats entirely up to him but my own boundary would be firm. I would be having no further contact with her. End of.

Forgiveness is overrated.

I wouldn't forgive that, and I don't care what anyone thinks about that either.

You are not being at all unreasonable. your MIL could have easily said no, sorry I'm busy. Or just plain old nope, and you could have made other plans or sorted something else out. Or at least had a back up plan. Changing her mind at the last minute is really cruel.

I would never have her in my life again. Ask your husband how forgiving he'd be if you had not been able to be there for him during a possible life threatening procedure because your parent had flaked out in the last minute, ask him how forgiving he'd be to have undergone the terrifying experience alone in hospital.

You don't have to forgive unforgivable behaviour, and usually it is women expected to 'forgive' well fuck that.

Be angry, be hurt, be upset, you are still grieving I went crazy after my miscarriage which resulted in complications and would have not reacted too kindly to the 'forgive' brigade at all had I had to go through the operation alone, I was sobbing as I was put under anaesthetic and was utterly crazed with grief for a long time afterwards.

Can you ask your GP for grief counselling OP, you sound like you went through a lot of loss in a very short time.

Tell your H he needs to accept your decision and conduct his relationship with his mother sensitively to you. You don't want her in your life right now, and if he pushes it, that might become a permanent decision.

I so so sorry for your loss, I know a little bit of the gnawing agony, I do hope you can get counselling and the support from your husband that you need.

I personally think this is unforgivable. I don’t have kids so I would be nervous if I was asked last minute to look after someone else’s, but even then I’d do it for anyone in an emergency, even a random neighbour. Let alone for my own family!!! Then the lack of contact for months afterwards shows that she’s not only callous and unreliable but also an utter coward.

You can never trust or rely on her again so what exactly is the point of having a relationship with her? DH is welcome to see and speak to her when he likes although he really needs to be on your side overall on this. Does he actually know and understand what you went through that day? I’d be sitting him down and explaining in graphic detail so he know exactly why you won’t be anything more than icily civil to her from now on and definitely won’t be hosting her or socialising with her.

You can't change her. But you can put boundaries in place to not let her repeat the same actions over and over again.
I think you need to talk to your husband about how to limit the harm and hurt she can cause in future. If he wants to continue to have a relationship with her thats his choice, but he shouldn't be involving you in her flakiness and drama - he should be protecting you.

For me, forgiveness is always dependent on the (clearly guilty) party acknowledging their mistake and apologising.
I'm sure she feels terrible. She needs to apologise to find peace; you both need peace. Hopefully your husband can mediate.
So sorry for your traumatic experience. I hope you manage to find peace in your heart. Holding a grudge forever is unhealthy; but your MIL does need to confront what she did and make it right with you,

It was my husband that got in touch with her after 5 months to thank her for sending my son's birthday card.

You are kinder than me.

I would have sent that card back unopened.

And I would never, ever have anything to do with her again (except possibly to dance on her grave).

I couldn't forgive something like that.

I'm sure she feels terrible

How on earth would you know this? where is the evidence?

If she had tried to reach out to talk then I might agree with you but she hasn't. You have literally no clue what she thinks and are projecting your own feelings on to her. She might not give a damn for all you know!

Your don’t need to forgive her at all, she has never apologised so how can you

I would just tell your husband that you can’t forgive or forget what she did, that you have to go through a horrific experience without him, and he will never understand that as it didn’t happen to him

If he wants a relationship with her that’s up to him, but it’s wtong for him to expect you to forgive and forget something she hasn’t even had the decency to acknowledge she did

You are perfectly entitled to have a relationship with your mother. You are not entitled to expect me to have one. Given the way she behaved I have no interest in seeing, speaking or having anything to do with her. Your relationship with her is none of my business.

Say this to your DH, tell him to knock himself out with the forgiving and visiting but you won't be. How dare he put you in this position, spineless twat

Which I can see was terrifying and traumatic for you to go through without your DH with you. But MIL did not cause that to happen

MIL literally caused the OP to go through the miscarriage alone. Whether it was a 'straightforward' miscarriage or the terrible experience the OP had makes no difference. Even going through a straightforward miscarriage is traumatic and the MIL deliberately caused that to happen.

I don't think you need to forgive her either. I would let your husband and kids see her separately.

That's an awful thing she did OP. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you've had a terrible time.

Cripes, my neighbour doesn't even speak to us, but if she turned up needing help I'd help!

I think the unforgiveable part regarding your MIL is the total lack of apology or acknowledging your loss.

I would find it very hard to forgive her.

Have you spoken to your husband about everything you went through in the hospital?

I wouldn't let the DC see her either to be frank. I'm not sitting sadly at home whilst she plays happy families with my DC.

I'd just let your husband carry on and have a relationship with her if he wants to. I however, would stay no contact with her. If your dh tries to force you to have a relationship with her, then he is being very unreasonable.
As for your dc, well again, if your dh wants to facilitate this, then fine. But you don't get involved at all, he does all the planning and running around etc.

@Tappering

It would be a short conversation as far as I'm concerned:

You are perfectly entitled to have a relationship with your mother. You are not entitled to expect me to have one. Given the way she behaved I have no interest in seeing, speaking or having anything to do with her. Your relationship with her is none of my business.

I did this except with my then H about his parents -sadly it then can be utilised against you. My H's parents then wanted the children to go with him -then you have to choose yes or no. I chose no. IF you chose yes, she gets what she wants a relationship with everyone but you and you are left looking like the sulky kid. It is really not as easy -my ex's family came and stayed near us (they had a second home) and stayed every weekend and he went over every weekend. He came back full of crap from them. Unless he's on board -there can well be more problems ahead.

Yanbu

You do not need to have a relationship with her. If he wants one, explain to him how much that upsets and hurts you but you do not need to see her or talk to her.

Of course the MC isn't her fault, ignore posters that are trying to say you blame her for that. It's clear you blame her for putting herself before her family and leaving you to go through something so traumatic on your own.

I'm so surprised your DH wants anything to do with her. Her 5 month silence and the passive aggressive act of sending a birthday card is toxic, I'd have returned it unopened.

I wouldn't forgive that either. However I can understand your husband forgiving her, she is useless, but she's the only mother he's got
I would have a very honest, but calm, conversation and explain he is free continue his relationship with her but you will not be involved.
And I'm very sorry for your loss.

I’m going against the majority here.

I think you need to process it and let it go. That level of anger and resentment - understandable as it is! - is only harming you. Have you had counselling or talked to a miscarriage charity?

Finding a way to come to terms with what happened to you, and to let go of your anger and blame, will lift such a weight from your mind.

To hell with your MIL, it’s for your own sake you need to move past this. Don’t let her actions cause you further hurt and damage your marriage. She doesn’t deserve to have that much impact on your life.

I hope you can reach out to someone qualified to help you through this. And I’m so sorry for your loss.

How on earth would you know this? where is the evidence?

You're right, I have no evidence. But I do have some knowledge of human nature, and, assuming she is not a horrible person in general, this is how human nature works. You feel terrible about something you've done but you are terrified about making the first step to rectify it. Ashamed and scared of the righteous anger the other person feels.
That's how normal people usually respond. Deep inside there's fear and guilt. If that's the case, both need healing.

That's how normal people usually respond

Normal people would speak with their families after an incident like that and offer support. The fact she hasn't indicates her behaviour is really not within the realms of "normal". Therefore, I dont really think you can assume she feels bad. (I work in psychiatry).

@CodenameVillanelle

Which I can see was terrifying and traumatic for you to go through without your DH with you. But MIL did not cause that to happen

MIL literally caused the OP to go through the miscarriage alone. Whether it was a 'straightforward' miscarriage or the terrible experience the OP had makes no difference. Even going through a straightforward miscarriage is traumatic and the MIL deliberately caused that to happen.

Yes, well I’ve been through an MC alone and honestly it is not an unforgivable offence that I had to go alone.

I wonder whether there is more to this than meets the eye, your DH must know exactly what happened that night, why isn't he telling you why she wouldnt come? Is that the real truth? I would be delving into this a bit more, because it certainly doesn't add up!

Have you ever thought that she may have suffered a miscarriage or still birth and just couldn't face being there whilst you were losing your baby ? Being angry is bloody pointless if you don't have the full facts. You need to meet her and ask, maybe she just couldn't give a stuff about you but if you ask you will know whether to let it go or not.
You need to ask the Doctor to refer you to a counsellor so you can talk throught the grief you are carrying.

Why should you forgive her? She doesn’t appear sorry and hasn't apologised. What she did is fairly unforgivable. You aren’t being unreasonable but MIL and DH are. Personally l would go NC if l was you