How can I forgive MIL

[Hocuspocusandfairies]

A few years ago I had a miscarriage. MIL said she'd come down and sit with my children whilst I went into hospital only she changed her mind at the last minute when my husband went to pick her up.

This resulted in me going into hospital on my own as my husband stayed with our children and things got pretty serious as I had a haemorrhage. Once in A&E the crash team were around me as a doctor manually removed one sac and when was more stable I was taken to theatre to have a D&C to remove the other sac.

After this MIL didn't get in touch for 5 months.

The issue I have now is my husband says he can't stay angry forever with his mom as she's his mom. This causes conflict with us as I feel so very hurt and alone by it all.

How do I stop this coming between my husband an I as I can't seem to let go of the anger and blame towards her

[GabriellaMontez]

She hasn't apologised or explained.

Why would you forgive her?

And I agree with whoever's said your husband shouldn't expect you to. It's his business if he wants to be treated like shit.

[callmeadoctor]

Have you heard your MIL side, is your dh telling you the truth?

[Hocuspocusandfairies]

Yes I have told my husband everything that happened. This will probably sound silly but when I was in resus every sound in the room went really far away and all I could hear was my moms voice telling me I could do it. I believe my mom was there in spirit. Then everything went back to normal.

I don't blame MIL for the miscarriage but I do blame her for going through it alone as she said she'd help. We never asked her she offered.

[Hocuspocusandfairies]

I think my upset and conflict with my husband is if I'm brutally honest is why does he want a relationship with someone who has treated his wife the way his mom has treated me, us and the kids as they saw things that night they shouldn't have seen before the ambulance came

[Hocuspocusandfairies]

But that's where I know I'm wrong as it's his mom and that decision is his go make.

[BearFoxBear]

There's no way I could forgive this. Not a chance.

I'm good at cutting people off if they wrong me (had a habit of collecting shitty friends in the past) and wouldn't hesitate to do it in this case. But you need to come to terms with moving past the pain of it fir your own sake. It took me a long time to do that.

Good people don't do this kind of thing. And you outgrow a lot of people when you start doing what's best for you. Let your husband maintain a relationship if he wants but do what's best for you and let her and the pain go.

[Phossy]

You're not remotely unreasonable, and for you to 'forgive' her and the fact that you're even considering this makes you extremely kind in my book she would need to apologise sincerely. Not vanish for five months, and then have your husband resume contact as though you being left to miscarry alone in frightening circumstances is some kind of minor misunderstanding.

But I think it's really your husband you need to talk to about this -- the MIL is an irrelevance.

[HyacynthBucket]

You are not being U or selfish at all - please stop beating yourself up for your feelings of loss and grief and being unsupported. It sounds as though you are hearing these things, perhaps from DH? You deserve much more consideration for all you have gone through. I would tell DH that, and ask him for support. He needs to tackle his mother about what happened, and get answers from her. If he just lets it go, it willnot be enough for you to feel he is there for you. He needs to have your back, and tell his mother the effect of her behaviour on you, and that he will not put up with it. She neds to explain herself to him. Maybe then there is the basis for going forward. Good luck, OP be kind to yourself and give yourself all the time you need to grieve without having to consider such a selfish person as your MIL at the same time.

[LordOftheRingz]

I think you need some help for the trauma that you have gone through, while I understand that you were let down, possibly you route to healing is being blocked by focusing on this issue.

Honestly, some people just cant be relied up no matter how much we think they should want. to help, some people for. whatever reason can't or won't, we have to accept that. Did you have agreements in place for when you had children etc that she would help or was it an assumption?

It's sad when our expectations are not met, but we have to learn to live with it and find other ways of support.

[Smyths]

I think you need to either speak to her directly or ask your husband to speak to her - WHY did she change her mind about babysitting (this action could be somewhat forgivable as 1) she didn't know it would get as bad as it did. 2) Depends on her reason (was she severely ill, etc.)

and the other thing is WHY she never contacted you for 5 months? This one is a lot harder to forgive as she will have known the trauma you went through at the hospital and any decent person would reach out to check on you and apologize for cancelling babysitting at the last minute. Is she one of the types of people who hides away out of awkwardness? Like those who find it uncomfortable to reach out to someone who's relative has died as they don't know what the "right" thing is to say?

[littlefireseverywhere]

I think there are 2 seperate issues here, your grief at losing your Mum and then the miscarriage secondly your bonkers, awful MIL.

On the grief part, I'm so sorry for your losses. Can you afford to see a counsellor to help you with your grief and understandable anger towards your MIL?

On the part of your relationship with your MIL. I think you need to be able to come to terms with your DH having a relationship with his Mum but I'd make it clear that you wanted to have no part in it. There'll be no meals out for all of you, no holidays, no weekend visits. Just her and him. Then in time you can think about if you're happy for your DC to see her without you.

You've had an incredibly hard couple of years, no wonder you're feeling all over the place emotionally and you need to allow yourself time to heal and has someone else has said, not to forgive her but to let it go in your head so that you can move on.

[ThousandsAreSailing]

I wouldn't forgive her. If there were reasons she acted so badly she should be talking to you or your DH or put it in a letter
Let him see her on his own. He is being very unfair

[PlanDeRaccordement]

Even going through a straightforward miscarriage is traumatic and the MIL deliberately caused that to happen.

See, your thinking is showing itself. MIL did not cause the MC. And let’s be honest here. The medical procedures for a MC are the same as for a surgical abortion. It’s not typically life threatening. Emergencies like what the OP had are extremely rare.
Women also regularly go in to give birth ALONE because their DH is watching their older children. Which is much more dangerous than an MC procedure. Having a relative who can babysit is a privilege and a luxury. It’s not a necessity.
Yes MIL let them down by not being able to live up to her promise to babysit but we have no idea why she is not perfectly reliable. She could have a medical issue for all we know like being a migraine sufferer and so had to cancel last minute because she could feel one starting up. We don’t know. OP doesn’t know. No one asked. Everyone is assuming MIL is a horrible person.

[fabulousathome]

She did something unforgiveable IMHO.

May I very gently suggest you have some bereavement counselling? You had two losses (your Mum and your baby) close together.

It doesn't mean you will forgive your MIL. It just means that you may feel at peace with yourself and your decisions.

[PrincessButtockUp]

Does your husband really understand that you were alone, and scared, when you most needed the support of your husband, because she said she would help and then let you down when you needed her most? And until you can understand why that happened, and whether or not she feels any remorse, you cannot have a normal relationship with her. And to be honest, you may never be able to forgive her for her letting you both down. It wasn't a cinema trip, which would have only meant lost money. This was people's lives.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

WHY she never contacted you for 5 months? This one is a lot harder to forgive as she will have known the trauma you went through at the hospital and any decent person would reach out to check on you and apologize for cancelling babysitting at the last minute. Is she one of the types of people who hides away out of awkwardness? Like those who find it uncomfortable to reach out to someone who's relative has died as they don't know what the "right" thing is to say?

^THIS

OP- When was MIL told about how your MC went? Who told her? Do you know for a fact that she was told that you almost died?

[WhatKatyDidNxt]

@lowlandLucky the plan was meant to be MIL cared for the children and DH be at the hospital supporting OP. Not the other way around

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

Everyone is assuming MIL is a horrible person

Because thats what the evidence suggests so far. Say she did have a migraine or was ill. The OP almost died- do you not find it a tad weird she never bothered to even enquire as to how she was? or tell them she was ill and explain? or send a get well card? or flowers? or even a phone call to say I hope you feel better soon? that makes zero sense if she was indeed a nice, caring person. If my son's wife almost died, I would most certainly be ringing to ask how she was, if I could do anything etc - thats really what a normal person would do.

[averythinline]

Why the f do you need to be nice to her or have any relationship with her??
No way.., if she'd maybe apologised and had a really really good reason possibly..

But she hasn't even acknowledged she let you all down ....

Good boundaries are essential as is having people in your life respect and treat you as well as they expect themselves.., why do you need to forgive??? Nonsense..
If your dh wants a relationship with her that's on his lookout... but I would be very disappointed in my DH if he hadn't had it out with her..,
I'm not sure about DC as the general rule with toxic people is to not be near them ... who knows what she would say to the DC as they grow up and you can't trust your DH ...

There's a good book on toxic in-laws...often recommended

But no it would take a hell of a lot for me to forgive and I couldn't forget so any relationship would always be distant

[Keeva2017]

You’re a saint for even considering forgiving that selfish hag. Harsh words but to hell with her. Your husband is just as selfish for wanting all this to go away and for you to make the first move despite his mother being an absolute shameful excuse for a parent. Good riddance of her I say.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Everything ohfourfoxache said

You don't have to feel at all bad for not wanting to resume any kind of relationship with her.

You don't have to feel bad for resenting the fact that your DH does want to reconnect with her.

But you do have to think it through so you stop hurting yourself. Talk to your GP get grievance counselling, someone to talk to, to work through your grief.

You can tell your DH that he is more than wlecome to pick up with his DM but that you cannot get over her callous behaviour, especially in light of her never having explained or apologised. She has hurt you deeply and he cannot expect you to act as though it didn't happen or did not hurt you, leave you alone and scared when you were most vulnerable.

You don't have to pretend that you didn't have those feelings. He is a big boy, he can hear how scared and angry his wife was!

If he can get her to explain her actions it might help you - but wouldn't of itelf be a reason for you to feel any different!

But most of all, get to your GP and get some counselling!

[Pebblexox]

I don't think yabu, you went through something traumatic on your own. You're allowed to feel hurt and angry by what happened.
However for you to move past all of this, I think having a conversation with mil is a good idea. Getting to the bottom of why she suddenly cancelled is a good place to start. You don't need to make promises to forgive, but I think airing it all out will be good for both you and dh.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

If my son's wife almost died, I would most certainly be ringing to ask how she was, if I could do anything etc - thats really what a normal person would do.

Yes, I agree. But now I’m wondering when or if the MIL was told this? OP hasn’t spoken to her. So she’s not told MIL. So who told MIL and when? And what did they tell her? Did they sanitise things and say “oh OP had a complication, but she’s fine now” ?
It’s extremely odd that a woman who of her own volition without being asked offers to babysit so DH can be with OP in hospital and then radio silence for 5 months until she sends her grandson a birthday card. Something is missing, vital pieces of the puzzle.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

@PlanDeRaccordement

I agree- the whole thing is very very odd

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

I think you need to process it and let it go. That level of anger and resentment - understandable as it is! - is only harming you.

Normally I would agree with you - but forgiveness is a process. It's not a switch that can be flipped, like a light.

It takes time and the forgiver has to be in the right place emotionally to cope with it. Forgiveness - as opposed to biting the bullet and just getting on with it - can take years.

AND- importantly, it is incredibly difficult to forgive when there is no contrition on the part of the other person. You can never again feel the same about them, or look at them in the same light. You can never trust them, and you can end up becoming resentful and depressed towards yourself for not insisting on being shown some respect.

God didn't put any of us on this earth to be a doormat. Forgiveness is a two-way thing.

Why should this selfish, nasty woman be allowed to ride roughshod over everyone and only take part in the nice bits of being a mother, MIL and grandmother? Why should everyone dance to her tune.

As other's have said - OP's DH's relationship with his mother is his concern - but no-one should try to force OP to grin and bear it. This is how women get bullied into taking all of the crap in a family.

Had it been OP's mother who had let them down, I'll bet her DH wouldn't be so keen to get back on friendly terms - and no-one would be saying to him:

"Let bygones be bygones'

"Forgive and forget"

"Be the bigger person"

and all of the other platitudes that are rolled out whenever woman makes a stand for herself after bad treatment.