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AIBU?

How can I forgive MIL

258 replies

Hocuspocusandfairies · 10/07/2020 11:33

A few years ago I had a miscarriage. MIL said she'd come down and sit with my children whilst I went into hospital only she changed her mind at the last minute when my husband went to pick her up.

This resulted in me going into hospital on my own as my husband stayed with our children and things got pretty serious as I had a haemorrhage. Once in A&E the crash team were around me as a doctor manually removed one sac and when was more stable I was taken to theatre to have a D&C to remove the other sac.

After this MIL didn't get in touch for 5 months.

The issue I have now is my husband says he can't stay angry forever with his mom as she's his mom. This causes conflict with us as I feel so very hurt and alone by it all.

How do I stop this coming between my husband an I as I can't seem to let go of the anger and blame towards her

OP posts:

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willloman · 10/07/2020 13:09

Tell your husband you will let it go when she apologises. Also limit future dealings as she seems flakey and or missing a few marbles.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/07/2020 13:10

It’s extremely odd that a woman who of her own volition without being asked offers to babysit so DH can be with OP in hospital rescinded the offer when he arrived to pick her up

I am guessing OP knows what she said, or her DH does. There has to have been a conversation!

callmeadoctor · 10/07/2020 13:10

Im wondering whether your DH played it down to MIL, without asking you won't find out. I would definitely be questioning my DH about what exactly was said..............

Hocuspocusandfairies · 10/07/2020 13:12

Nothing is missing. The reason for the 5 month absence was my husband didn't contact his mom and she didn't contact him. She didn't send a card for our one child's birthday but she sent one for my eldest with some birthday money inside. I said that she should be thanked for the birthday money which is when he phoned her and he told her then. She briefly acknowledged it then changed the subject.

OP posts:

Zilla1 · 10/07/2020 13:13

OP, I'm sorry for you traumatic experience. You aid 'I know I'm wrong' and I'm not sure you are. You're not stopping your DH from having a relationship. He is being unreasonable in wanting you to forgive, forget and engage with her. She chose her actions on the night and for the next five months and your DH then got in touch.

I wouldn't engage with her at all as it will upset you and I wouldn't have her in my house. He can see her without you in her home and good luck to them. I hope you come to terms with your trauma but don't allow your legitimate feelings to be dismissed.

If the tables were turned, how would she have reacted if you'd let her down in similar traumatic circumstances, didn't get in touch for five months then her son was telling her to put it all behind her. I suspect you know how she'd react and that would tell you all you need to know.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 10/07/2020 13:13

She sounds like a fcking sociopath if thats the case. Good grief.

Do not contact her and stick to your boundaries OP.

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2020 13:15

@Hocuspocusandfairies

I think my upset and conflict with my husband is if I'm brutally honest is why does he want a relationship with someone who has treated his wife the way his mom has treated me, us and the kids as they saw things that night they shouldn't have seen before the ambulance came

Absolutely. Unforgivable in my book and your husband should feel the same way.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/07/2020 13:15

The reason for the 5 month absence was my husband didn't contact his mom and she didn't contact him.

So, OP. You didn’t contact MIL and tell her your MC went horribly wrong. So did anyone contact MIL and tell her? Or was she left in the dark thinking you went in, had the procedure and it all went smoothly?

Durgasarrow · 10/07/2020 13:15

I think you can both move on and not forgive. People are so big on "forgiveness" as a virtue. I disagree. Your husband can have a relationship with her, you can even have a relationship with her, but you can do it with boundaries.

Don't rely on her--don't let her rely on you.
Just because you're willing to talk to her on one occasion does not imply forgiveness or any future contact. Every contact would take place only if it is acceptable to you and if her behavior is acceptable to you.
Each time she sees you, her behavior must be above fifty percent in pleasurableness, i.e.; more worth your time than not.
Don't knock yourself out preparing for her visits or going out of the way to visit hers. That is on your husband.

Keep any contact in small, sliceable moments. Give yoursel a prize, or get your hsuband to gie you one. Keep any contacts short and limited. The less emotion the better. in fact, a phone call for a year or two may be better than a visit. You can tell her how you feel, once. You'll never get satisfaction, but she will know why you arent getting closer to her.

callmeadoctor · 10/07/2020 13:15

I honestly think that your DH played it down so as not to worry her and maybe there were crossed wires. Maybe ring her up and ask or dig deeper with your DH.

Pjsallday · 10/07/2020 13:16

So he drove.to her house on the understanding he was to bring her back to your house to babysit and when he got there she refused to come? What exactly word for word did she say to your husband? It seems like your not getting the full story? Is he abit "wet" were his mother is concerned?

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2020 13:16

@Hocuspocusandfairies

But that's where I know I'm wrong as it's his mom and that decision is his go make.

No, you're not wrong.

You're his wife. That trumps mother.

And she behaved very, very badly.

Do you really want her to see your children? Because that's next.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 10/07/2020 13:17

Even if she did assume it went smoothly, its still weird as hell not to ask, (even when going smoothly, its still a very horrible traumatic thing to go through) or to explain why she couldn't help.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/07/2020 13:17

Oh, sorry just realised, when your DH called after 5 months, he told her then
That is when MIL found out about what happened? 5 months later?

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 10/07/2020 13:18

Oh I see- so, she briefly acknowledged it then changed the subject?

Yeah, she's not a good person. Not at all.

Hocuspocusandfairies · 10/07/2020 13:19

No she didn't know how badly it had gone but she did know that I'd be going on my own as my husband would have to stay home with our other children. I shouldn't have relied on her given how unreliable she'd been in the past but on this occasion I thought it would be different. There is lots of things that have gone on over the years. Too many to mention but this was the final straw and the most serious.

OP posts:

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/07/2020 13:19

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

Even if she did assume it went smoothly, its still weird as hell not to ask, (even when going smoothly, its still a very horrible traumatic thing to go through) or to explain why she couldn't help.

I don’t know. On the one hand, no news is good news. On the other I think I’d respect my DS and DILs privacy and not dig for gory details about something that is traumatic as it’s the loss of a baby. I’d trust them to tell me if things did not go smoothly. It’s a standard low risk medical procedure.

Pregnantandstressed24 · 10/07/2020 13:21

Just wanted to comment to say, you are not being unreasonable. What she did was awful and to not follow up after to find out how you were doing is unforgivable. I’m an easy going, forgiving person and I wouldn’t be able to get over this. I wouldn’t want her in my house or around my children until she actually apologised. The fact your husband reached out to HER seems to sum up their relationship. She isn’t accountable and takes no responsibility and she is enabled to do this by others (like your husband) then maintaining contact with her.

DishingOutDone · 10/07/2020 13:22

Fuck that. I would never forgive her. And I wouldn't want to hear a word about her from my husband - someone said this very early on in the thread and summed it all up; could easily have left the thread then and everyone else just come on and say yep, that's it. Fuck her.

Hocuspocusandfairies · 10/07/2020 13:22

She told my husband that she had an appointment to get back for the following day, he had to work which she knew so he wouldn't have been able to get her back in time. She has cancelled on different occasions before but like I said I thought it would be different this time.

OP posts:

ExhaustedGrinch · 10/07/2020 13:23

Is it possible she believed it was an abortion and that you'd lied when you said it was a miscarriage? I'm just wondering if she is anti abortion and may have thought this and been really angry over it? Not that it's an excuse of course but could explain her odd behaviour.

malificent7 · 10/07/2020 13:23

Why should we all forgive shitty behaviour ?...no way! Be civil for the sake of your dh but you cannot force " good terms." That would be fake.

callmeadoctor · 10/07/2020 13:24

So u are angry with her for not babysitting (although you don't know why) and for not asking how you were (even though it is a deeply private thing and maybe she didn't want to intrude).

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/07/2020 13:24

OP
Do you have any ideas as to why MIL is so unrealiable? If this is a regular thing there must be some information you have or suspect?

Pregnantandstressed24 · 10/07/2020 13:25

If this were a friend of mine I would check in to see how they were doing (and that is totally different to ‘asking for gory details.’)
She knew why you needed to go to the hospital and showed no interest. She’s a selfish, horrible person.

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