Why am I getting the blame for their affair?

[Whitenoisefan]

Will try to keep this short. Last summer my close friend had an affair with a married man she works with. It lasted a few months and she told me about it at the time. I supported her emotionally whilst telling her that it was the wrong thing to be doing. During lockdown, the man has confessed to his wife and it has all come out. I know who this man and his wife are, but we are not friends. We do have a group of mutual female friends. Somehow they have found out that I knew and it seems that I’m getting the brunt of their anger. It seems that he is off the hook as men are easily led and my friend is off the hook because she is single and has MH issues. One woman went as far as to say that she now does not trust me round her husband! This has all kicked off over the group Whatspp chat. I thought I was being loyal to a friend - have I got this massively wrong?

[Whitenoisefan]

Just to make it clear - these woman are people I know as our kids were in the same class, they are not part of my social circle or anything. The man and his wife I only know by sight and maybe to say hello to.

[ThePlantsitter]

You don't need to explain yourself to us. You haven't done anything wrong or if you have it was because you didn't do the other wrong thing that was your other option. If only life was as clear cut as these women think it should be.

Have you left the group yet?

[Honeyroar]

You have no need to be in this group, so leave. Before you do post something like

“I did not have an affair, I never have and I never will. I refuse to take any blame here, I supported a friend with mental health issues while trying to persuade her what she was doing was wrong. If you really need to attack someone have a pop at X’s husband, who actively engaged in cheating on his wife. As for this group, I’m going to leave. You are, generally speaking, some of the bitchiest, small minded women I’ve ever encountered. I really don’t need people like you in my life.” Then immediately leave the group before you see any comments or get dragged into a discussion with them.

[Notadramallama]

My husband was having an affair with one of my oldest friends (amongst others), our mutual friends have dropped me, not her.

People are bizarre

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

(she didn't. I made that bit up.)

That's a shame login - I'd really warmed to your granny

[JeSuisPoulet]

As I said, this group isn't your friend base, so don't give them the headspace. I stand alone in the playground (often feeling I have SINGLE MUM written across my forehead as pp have said) but people do come and chat to me now and then. I defined around y3 that these people were not going to be in my life past y6 and there was little point attempting to run up and chat to them or feel bad if I forgot to wave at one of them; I was never going to be accepted because I was seen as a threat. Sadly you have been put into a similar group. I'd do as pp have suggested and snooze the chat for a week and then go back to catch up. If you do see any of them just say you snoozed it when they started banging on about school and haven't looked at it since. I bet you'll see loads of the nastiest messages get deleted as soon as that gets around . I'd personally stay in the group as it is a school one and i'm often forgetful about mufti days etc. Not much need for them unless your DC are back atm!

[LadyMonicaBaddingham]

I knew this would be a gang of 'school mums' before I'd even finished reading the first sentence! What is it about school playgrounds that make some people regress to infantile behaviour?

[LadyPrigsbottom]

Every time I read something about school mums on here, it honestly gives me the fear! Mine are still very little, but I'm honestly never planning a close friendship with any school parents. Yikes.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

Obviously I know that individual parents are usually lovely! It's the dynamic which puts the fear in me.

[Whitenoisefan]

@LadyMonicaBaddingham
I love your user name!

[ShebaShimmyShake]

I suppose some woman has to.

[Lightofthephoenix]

I Like this reply

"I don't know where you all get off blaming me for an affair that happened between two consenting adults who should know better, but if it helps you sleep at night then by all means, put me in the stocks. And xxx, you have no need to worry, your husband is definitely not my type"

And agree with the Fuck them, you don't need idiots like this in your life

[Lightofthephoenix]

My above post was originally from anguauberwaldironfoundersson

[Hopoindown31]

Leave the group, you don't need them and they don't add positively to your life. Who gives a shiny about what they think?

As for any future discussions with anyone, just be direct and honest that you weren't the one having an affair nor are you responsible for the actions of other consenting adults and that you have no wish to discuss it further.

And I hope you see how supporting people who are doing shitty things has a habit of unfairly splashing on to you and I'd recommend distancing yourself from such situations in future. You don't own any friend this hassle.

[Hopoindown31]

*owe

[Pogmella]

@Notadramallama come out for a drink with me! We can be shameful ostracised women who had the timerity to be cheated on together

Maybe they feel threatened... if it can happen to her it could happen to me and seeing the horrible fallout is too frightening...

[SleepingStandingUp]

@LadyPrigsbottom

Every time I read something about school mums on here, it honestly gives me the fear! Mine are still very little, but I'm honestly never planning a close friendship with any school parents. Yikes.

Ours are only end of reception but our school friends are lovely. They're no bitching, we've tried to help each other out where we can during lockdown, etc. I've known some of them 2.5 years, some just less than a year but I feel lucky were friends

[LadyPrigsbottom]

Ah that's so nice to read a positive story @SleepingStandingUp! Yes, we have one in Yr R, and so far, everyone is lovely, but we have only known each other since the start of the school year.

There are definitely some slightly volatile personalities in ours, when it comes to anything happening at school. I'm on the WhatsApp group, you see, and it does show you a slightly more outspoken side than I ever see in person. But generally, nothing terrible at all and they are lovely in person.

[ItsNotAGameOfSubbuteoMatthew]

Honestly I would reply:

(Man) is 50% to blame. (Woman) is 50% to blame. Please don't drag me into this. I can be a friend without agreeing with everything they do and I'm certainly not responsible for anything they do.

[Downton57]

Just type 'You're treaded too close to libel. I've phoned my lawyer' and leave the group.

[Jeeperscreepers69]

Step back delete whatsapp group and find new friends

[FelicisNox]

Grow a pair, get on that WhatsApp and tell them:

The affair was clearly nothing to do with you, you didn't condone it at the time and you don't condone it now but you were told in confidence therefore it was not your secret to tell. You had a duty to your good friend to be supportive and you did so.

Then tell them to grow the F up and take their anger out on the person who deserves it (if they have the balls) HIM.

Then leave the group: you did what any good friend would do but they are angry for their friend and rightfully so. You kept a dreadful secret from them and unfortunately you have now been put in the same untrustworthy category..... if it were me I wouldn't trust you again either and that's the legacy you've left yourself with. It's unfortunate but that's the price you pay for loyalty.

Should they be blaming you for the affair? Absolutely not. That's nothing to do with you.

Say your piece and walk away, they won't forgive you so you're losing nothing.

[Passenger42]

Sounds like someone in this group doesn’t like you and is using this as an excuse to bully you out. Guilty by association. Follow advise of others and say I don’t condone my friends actions but I’m not responsible and I decided to mind my own business and maybe you should do the same!

[DanceItOut]

I would’ve replied to “at no point did I condone anyone having an affair nor did I take part in an affair however I also didn’t dob them in to anyone because I’m not a tattle tale and it’s not my business” and left it at that.

[Treacletoots]

Fucking idiots. You really can't win OP. I once told a friend that his best friend was fucking his girlfriend, and making him look like a complete idiot, under his nose.

I got excluded for months, until one day the penny dropped, he rushed out of work, and found the two in bed together.

To be fair he did apologise afterwards and thanked me for trying to tell him, but I got a hell of a lot of stress just for doing the right thing.

Shoot the messenger..