Why am I getting the blame for their affair?

[Whitenoisefan]

Will try to keep this short. Last summer my close friend had an affair with a married man she works with. It lasted a few months and she told me about it at the time. I supported her emotionally whilst telling her that it was the wrong thing to be doing. During lockdown, the man has confessed to his wife and it has all come out. I know who this man and his wife are, but we are not friends. We do have a group of mutual female friends. Somehow they have found out that I knew and it seems that I’m getting the brunt of their anger. It seems that he is off the hook as men are easily led and my friend is off the hook because she is single and has MH issues. One woman went as far as to say that she now does not trust me round her husband! This has all kicked off over the group Whatspp chat. I thought I was being loyal to a friend - have I got this massively wrong?

[LadyPrigsbottom]

@LadyPrigsbottom

I do think men are gold plated in our society. Even cheating ones. Why take it out on a man who had an affair, when there is a perfectly good female scapegoat to take it out on?

I have never yet seen a man get his social comeuppance after having an affair. I've seen plenty of women though, guilty of less serious misdemeanors, ripped to shreds.

I heard of an affair in a slightly modern 'happy clappy' church where I grew up. The headmistress of the school had an affair with the pastor. When it all came out, the headmistress got fired. The pastor got sent on a luxury holiday with his wife to patch things up.

Sorry, this was in support of the pps who said they had been cheated on by male partners and somehow got the blame for it .

[CelestialSpanking]

You’ve not done anything wrong here- honestly I’d tell them all to fuck off because I would be too embarrassed to be associated with such stupid people.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

One woman on the group did express surprised that he had stooped so low - not by having an affair but by choosing someone like my friend who is a single mum struggling to make ends meet.

They sound hideous, OP. Think about it: why would you even want to associate with these people? There are other forms of morality than just the sexual type. I'd say yours are preferable to theirs, but self-righteous snobbery is one trait I never could stand.

A 'hive mind' is anathema to independent thought. This is why I have zero interest in 'friendship groups'; although they do seem to provide a sense of safety for some people this all-too frequently turns out to be an illusion. You'll lose nothing by not having this gossipy, judgemental little clan in your life.

[ScouseDottir]

I can see why you are upset, but unfortunately affairs so not just affect the couple. It is a shit show as you have found out.

The man is 50% to blame and your friend is the other 50%. There would be no letting off either of them in my case. Also, instead of "supporting" your friend I would have told her to "stop there, I want no part in this."

I know lots of people who have MH issues, but I don't know any who ease this by sleeping with other peoples husbands and wrecking their DC's lives. She should know better, having had the excruciating pain of a partner leaving her in the past.

You are not to blame for the affair but I can see why they no longer trust you. You can tell a person by their friends and your friend is someone who has caused a lot of pain in someone else's family and you knew about it. I think I would look upon a friend who knew about an affair and did nothing about it in a different light. Not saying it is right, just saying I can understand why they think that way.

[Whitenoisefan]

Thanks for all the replies. I haven’t been active in the group for ages - only stayed in as the last person who quietly left got ripped to shreds.
My DHs suggestion that I answer there questions regarding my morals by saying that we are swingers and would anyone like to join us has been rejected and he has been sent to work! DH stands for dick head in his case.
I will just leave the group - kids are not close friends with theirs any more so no issues there.
Thanks again.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Reply with a link to this thread and then leave the group.
They sound deranged.
Some people just get off on blaming others and making them feel like shit.
Your DH sounds ace!
Love his reply.

[Redwinestillfine]

Reply ' you do know it was x and X that had the affair not me? My crimes seems to be to support a friend whilst telling her she was wrong. If that is what bothers you then day so, don't make out that it makes me something else'. Sometimes they need it spelling out.

[GirlOnIt]

I’d pull them on it because I don’t see why you shouldn’t.

I’d say something along the lines of,
Really don’t understand why I’m getting hate for supporting a good friend whom as some of you have even said yourselves is vulnerable and I believe was taken advantage of by (insert dickhead cheaters name here). I never encouraged the affair, in fact I advised her to end it, but I wasn’t going to turn my back on her either.
And I’m sorry if any of you don’t trust me near your husbands, but that says a lot more about your relationships than it does me. And maybe it would make more sense to keep your husbands away from (cheaters name) to avoid his cheating ways rubbing off on them.

[JeSuisPoulet]

I can also see why they are worried about you, but you have chosen the path of not speaking up and this is the fall out. You have your friend who was the one you cared about. I don't know why what this group thinks is important to you, as you must have known they would wonder what you would do if it were their husband?

I've been in trouble with two friends previously for telling them partners were having affairs yet despite the loss of one those friends I feel still it was the right thing to do. We all do what is right for us in different situations - here you were protecting your main friend but it happened to be at the risk of the other wider group, because that is where she chose to have the affair.

[Lockdownseperation]

@Whitenoisefan

Thanks for all the replies. I haven’t been active in the group for ages - only stayed in as the last person who quietly left got ripped to shreds.
My DHs suggestion that I answer there questions regarding my morals by saying that we are swingers and would anyone like to join us has been rejected and he has been sent to work! DH stands for dick head in his case.
I will just leave the group - kids are not close friends with theirs any more so no issues there.
Thanks again.

They don’t sound like nice people to be friends with.

[2pinkginsplease]

I would reply, if supporting a friend is my only crime then I’m guilty, it wasn’t me who had an affair or who took advantage of a vulnerable person! If this is how friends support each other then it’s time I found real friends,

[LolaSmiles]

Whitenoisefan
I thought so. Some women really do have an ability to collect mindless followers who will cling to them and abandon all independent thought for a seat at the bitching table.

I think a PP had it spot on when they said your 'friends' probably think you should have blabbed to them so they could all be nice as pie to queen bee's face whilst they enjoyed the drama of knowing her perfect life isn't so perfect.

They sound toxic.

[D4rwin]

has a good job and designer suits etc. The others do look up to her in a way. One woman on the group did express surprised that he had stooped so low - not by having an affair but by choosing someone like my friend who is a single mum struggling to make ends meet.

I'd definitely pick up on this. "So he is a cheating wanker, pursuing someone in a vulnerable state and you're all saying he is stooping so low?"
Tell them to take a long hard look in a mirror. Your friend and you will be better off out of the shallow end without them all.

[ravenmum]

Your dh is treating their gossip with the seriousness it deserves.

[diddl]

Oh it's not wort bothering to think up a "clever" reply.

As if they'll give a fuck!

Just leave the group.

I very much doubt that your friend is "off the hook", & as her friend who stuck by her you're on it too!

If the wife has stayed with the husband I can understand why she wants to think of her husband as blameless as possible.

I think that your friend having mh problems maybe muddies it somewhat, but I'm not sure that someone choosing to have an affair is someone I would feel inclined to support & stay loyal to tbh.

[ThePlantsitter]

God can you imagine taking it upon yourself to be so interested in the details of someone else's life anyway? It has literally nothing to do with any of them! If you do manage to leave without saying something you have of course done the right thing. Not sure I could do it though!

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

My husband suggested that I reply to the woman who won’t trust me round her husband with ‘don’t worry, he’s not my type’ but I don’t think that would help matters!

Or you could go down the "Don't worry - I'm not going to eat cholrinated chicken burgers when I have gourmet organic cordon bleu at home"

But you are right -it wouldn't help matters.

I’d reply ‘sorry to hear that- I trust my husband around anyone’

Pogmella's reply is spot on.

Did he take advantage of your friend's MH issues? It sounds as though she might have been vulnerable to begin with - and now she has had to drop out of her friendship group. Can't be easy for her, even though she has been the author of her own problem.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

I do find this stuff baffling....
Let's just blame a bystander for not 'stopping' the affair... Ffs... It's also BLAMING women and minimising the blokes very real accountability for the affair (and the woman...).

Let me guess, he was shagging her as he felt sorry for her MH /he just couldn't help himself? / he thought he was doing the washing up, thenn pfuf, there he says suddenly having sex....

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

Frankly, I wouldn't trust you either because you knew and said nothing.

Really?

And who do you think that sh1t would have landed on if OP had made the affair known?

They would have shot the messenger in a heartbeat, the man involved would have been mildly castigated but then forgiven, and the woman involved would have been excused because of her MH issues.

OP would have been branded a gossiping troublemaker who tried to break up the marriage by causing trouble between husband and wife.

[MaybeIDidMaybeIDidnt]

@GirlOnIt

I’d pull them on it because I don’t see why you shouldn’t.

I’d say something along the lines of,
Really don’t understand why I’m getting hate for supporting a good friend whom as some of you have even said yourselves is vulnerable and I believe was taken advantage of by (insert dickhead cheaters name here). I never encouraged the affair, in fact I advised her to end it, but I wasn’t going to turn my back on her either.
And I’m sorry if any of you don’t trust me near your husbands, but that says a lot more about your relationships than it does me. And maybe it would make more sense to keep your husbands away from (cheaters name) to avoid his cheating ways rubbing off on them.

I would be very,very tempted to say this...but to be honest, I'd probably just leave and think no great loss.

[ohthegoats]

Time for new friends, these ones are ridiculous.

[Pogmella]

@vinoelle Yes! I was also forced to leave the group to make way for ExH and OW. Apparently I’m unreasonable for not wishing to socialise with them. I think it’s easier for them to look at their joy than my pain. Luckily I have other friends who are super supportive- hope you do too.

[SummerCherry]

To be honest - if it is your friends who blame you - I don’t blame them. You were complicitous in lying and therefore can’t be trusted. The OW and husband were the main ones and can’t be trusted either - and both of them should feel societies wrath to be honest - but it sounds like there are underlying issues why they target you and not the OW.

In all of this - there is one woman who deserves all of your energy and sympathy. His poor wife!

[GloriousTechnicolour]

Yikes - what a horrible group! I've never experienced anything like that although I'm not part of many groups.

I think you need to leave, accept they are probably bitching about you, and forget they exist.

I hope all parties involved in the sorry affair can sort themselves out and move on in the best way for them, and that your friend's MH improves.

[maddening]

I would reply that the husband is the only one who is in control of where he sticks his dick, so his wife needs to take it up with him as you have never met him or his wife and have never had anything to do with it and it is still nothing to do with you and that any further personal attacks will be considered harassment.