Why am I getting the blame for their affair?

[Whitenoisefan]

Will try to keep this short. Last summer my close friend had an affair with a married man she works with. It lasted a few months and she told me about it at the time. I supported her emotionally whilst telling her that it was the wrong thing to be doing. During lockdown, the man has confessed to his wife and it has all come out. I know who this man and his wife are, but we are not friends. We do have a group of mutual female friends. Somehow they have found out that I knew and it seems that I’m getting the brunt of their anger. It seems that he is off the hook as men are easily led and my friend is off the hook because she is single and has MH issues. One woman went as far as to say that she now does not trust me round her husband! This has all kicked off over the group Whatspp chat. I thought I was being loyal to a friend - have I got this massively wrong?

[MilerVino]

I do think men are gold plated in our society. Even cheating ones. Why take it out on a man who had an affair, when there is a perfectly good female scapegoat to take it out on?

Imagine a female Prime Minister who had 7 children, one of whom she had denied the existence of, by 3 different men, and who had been married 2 times, not always to the father of her children, and was again engaged. And yet we have the male equivalent of this. We do think women should be more moral than men are. We let them off because 'boys will be boys'. Well boys should grow up into responsible adults and not pull this shit.

[TiddyTid]

I'd leave that group with a parting shot.....a link to this thread.

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

Because you broke The Girl Code and, by the laws of the Sisterhood (z snaps optional here) you should have denounced your friend and made clear that your loyalty could never lie with a wanton hussy who had tempted away another woman's husband.

(That's sarcasm, by the way.)

Life is rarely black and white and whatever happened and the rights/wrongs of it all, it's between the husband (who is, presumably, a sentient human being with reasonable cognitive function and free will and who could therefore be held responsible for his own choices) and his wife and/or mistress. Unless it was you he was shoving his knob into it's nowt to do with you, and the harpies should bugger off.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Who have they come to the conclusion that you are not to be trusted around their husbands? Fucking morons

[AryaStarkWolf]

How*

[DisappearingGirl]

I would probably stay in the group but just turn off the notifications (you can do that for a specific group), that way if you want to check in you can, but you don't have to be drawn in to the nonsense. I wouldn't reply to the daft accusatory posts (or would reply in a very low-key non-committal way). If there's no-one reacting it will all blow over probably. They sound like mean gossip-mongers though!

That said, also fair enough if you decide to leave the group!

[Viviennemary]

I think it was a bit sneaky of you to keep this to yourself and support your friend when you knew she was having an affair with a married man. But if course you were not as bad as the two folk involved.

[Nannewnannew]

@Pogmella

Yep- this is totally how this goes down. I sympathise, it’s apparently my fault my husband had an affair while I was grieving my mum on maternity leave. No one blames OW because she wasn’t in a relationship and ExH is such a committed Dad it must be my fault- oh and remember how angry I was when I found out? See, I must be a horrible person 🙄

I have no idea why cheating guys are gold plated in our society...

That’s awful for you Pogmella Some people are just weird and I do like to remember that you can’t argue with stupid. In fact that thought keeps me going a lot recently.

[Whitenoisefan]

They know I’m still in the group, but I haven’t responded to any of the messages (or any of the teacher hating Covid inspired ones over the last few months for that matter). Someone just posted ‘We know you can see this, why don’t you stand up for yourself?’ so I’m staying in and staying silent. At least if they are attacking me then they haven’t got their claws into anyone else.

[UniversalAunt]

“OK Girls, sorry I left you out of the loop about the relationship between X & Y. At the time I thought it best to not to get involved & keep it to myself. Mea Culpa! I should have known better.
Next time I know about one of the Boys playing away, I’ll be sure to let you all know straight away.”

[MilerVino]

Life is rarely black and white and whatever happened and the rights/wrongs of it all, it's between the husband (who is, presumably, a sentient human being with reasonable cognitive function and free will and who could therefore be held responsible for his own choices) and his wife and/or mistress. Unless it was you he was shoving his knob into it's nowt to do with you, and the harpies should bugger off.

Post that, but in first person. Then leave the group.
You won't change their minds, nothing will. It might be quite satisfying though.

[ShagMeRiggins]

@OhCaptain

They’re a group of Those Mothers, aren’t they?

He can’t be blamed. Because he’s a poor ickle penis wielder who needs to be instructed on how to tie his laces and not fuck other women.

She’s a crazy, single woman who they can faux fawn over and ooze sympathy all the while feeling superior because they have it together, and their lives haven’t gone down the shitter.

But you! You’re married. You were supposed to be one of them. You were supposed to inform them all so you could all enjoy the drama and the “his poor wife” bullshit while talking about it in detail behind her back.

You broke ranks. So naturally they have to turn on you. That’s what the hive mind demands!

I’d respond “fuck all of you” and leave.

Great insight. Especially about breaking ranks.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

@UniversalAunt

“OK Girls, sorry I left you out of the loop about the relationship between X & Y. At the time I thought it best to not to get involved & keep it to myself. Mea Culpa! I should have known better.
Next time I know about one of the Boys playing away, I’ll be sure to let you all know straight away.”

"Girls"? "Mea culpa"? "Boys playing away"?

No, I do not think the op should send any of that, sorry.

[Macncheeseballs]

I'm not sure I'd wanna carry on being friends with someone if I knew the other people involved

[LadyPrigsbottom]

Also, agree with the "poor ickle penis weilder" thing. Every time a man shags an OW and ruins his marriage and / or family, IME, people close to the man and his wife are out for blood from the OW. Never the man, because obviously they can't control themselves.

I remember someone growling about her younger male relative's affair;

if some GIRL, STOLE my husband...

And I just thought "stole? Um...he has free will you know"? No, I don't like OW who do this; knowingly shag a married man, whose partner isn't in on the joke. I really don't. But to totally disregard any choice the man had in the matter, because "evil minx women", and poor menz can't be expected to keep their willies to themselves, I just think .

[IDontLikeZombies]

Someone just posted ‘We know you can see this, why don’t you stand up for yourself? and there's the key to it all. They're bored and they bitch to amuse themselves.

[ThePlantsitter]

@IDontLikeZombies

Someone just posted ‘We know you can see this, why don’t you stand up for yourself? and there's the key to it all. They're bored and they bitch to amuse themselves.

Agree with this. I would find it very difficult not to respond to this but if you're not going to just leave the group. Yes no doubt they'll bitch about you but it's that it or be bitched at

[ThePlantsitter]

Ugh actually I'm feeling really bad on your behalf, there was nothing you could go on this situation that wasn't going to hurt somebody and none if it was of your doing. for you.

[hellsbellsmelons]

‘We know you can see this, why don’t you stand up for yourself?
'Why do I need to? I've done absolutely nothing wrong. I have nothing to defend. If you wish to make this about me then that is entirely up to you. Nothing I say will stop you blaming me so I'm not going to bother. I hope everyone is OK and have a good weekend planned. Enjoy!'

[handslikecowstits]

This is a variation on the theme of: The messenger gets shot. These women sound thoroughly awful and I'd bet you that they wouldn't dare say anything to you in real life. Horrible.

[Macncheeseballs]

I doubt the man has got off Scot free neither

[Pogmella]

OP you don’t need to justify yourself to them they’re just loving the drama. In a messy split some people forget its someone’s actual life they’re gleefully picking over

[LadyPrigsbottom]

@Macncheeseballs

I doubt the man has got off Scot free neither

Well, the op has already stated that it is only she being criticised by this particular group.

If he got in trouble with his wife, well, good! But apparently, this particular group of women have not really said much about him. Which, do you not find that a little odd? Wrong even? Have you ever seen the aftermath of a broken marriage after an affair up close and if so, did you notice anything about how the man was treated vs the OW? I'm so curious. We seem to have opposing views on so many things, so I'm genuinely interested to know what life experiences you have had to come to this conclusions.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I'd reply along the lines of "i sorry you don't trust be around David Sandra, but I hardly think I'm culpable for where he chooses to stick his penisas it would certainly never be in me" then every time it comes up again just redirect or ignore