Why am I getting the blame for their affair?

[Whitenoisefan]

Will try to keep this short. Last summer my close friend had an affair with a married man she works with. It lasted a few months and she told me about it at the time. I supported her emotionally whilst telling her that it was the wrong thing to be doing. During lockdown, the man has confessed to his wife and it has all come out. I know who this man and his wife are, but we are not friends. We do have a group of mutual female friends. Somehow they have found out that I knew and it seems that I’m getting the brunt of their anger. It seems that he is off the hook as men are easily led and my friend is off the hook because she is single and has MH issues. One woman went as far as to say that she now does not trust me round her husband! This has all kicked off over the group Whatspp chat. I thought I was being loyal to a friend - have I got this massively wrong?

[not2impressed]

Frankly, I wouldn't trust you either because you knew and said nothing. In my view your relation with these women is more than strangers or random people. You are still in their group despite no real need now that children are grown up. This indicates some sort of relation beyond a basic acquintance for purely practical reasons. You participated in her humiliation by keeping your friend's secret whether you intended it or not.

What absolute nonsense. If she had told them she would be a liar, he would weasle his way out of it and she would be a home wrecker

[Anordinarymum]

So because you knew about it you are getting the blame. I have a friend who was in your position and she felt really uncomfortable about it.

Her friend used her as an excuse when she was meeting the other guy and when the husband found out he blamed my friend and not his wife.

The marriage was dead in the water anyway. When it ended later the husband apologised to my friend. He just needed someone to lash out at.

[AlternativePerspective]

Why should the wife leave the group? She needs all the support she could get ow and op are the ones who should leave. The cheek of staying in the group, without even actually needing it for your dc anymore. It's all me me me, what suits me best. some people must have very narrow friendship circles if you believe that anyone who ever knew about anyone else’s affair and didn’t immediately cut them off should exclude themselves in shame.

I guarantee you everyone knows someone who knows about someone else’s affair and has retained that friendship even if they haven’t approved of what the other person has done.

As OP said, the wife isn’t in the group. So what we have here is a woman who had an affair with someone unrelated to this group, so to all intents and purposes a relative stranger, and a friend who didn’t cut her off immediately, and this unrelated group is putting it all on her? I would be surprised if there aren’t members of that exact group who have friends who are having affairs and haven’t cut them off, or who are themselves having affairs.

Often the most judgemental people in these situations are the ones who are at it themselves. The lady doth protest too much and all that.

[N0tJustY0ga]

@Whitenoisefan

Stand your ground. Just state facts. No need to get emotional. If someone says something. Just repeat the facts.

X was cheating with Y. I’m not X or Y. Here is X’s contact and here is Y’s contact. Please direct your comments to X or Y as I neither cheated or encouraged the cheating.

That’s it. If anyone says anything else, just copy paste and send. Keep repeating it. They’ll soon get tired. No matter what anyone says, if you just repeat the facts. No one can argue against them. They can argued around them, but fact is fact and your are repeating to re-iterate fact. Which no one can contest. It’s makes your statement even stronger.

The more you repeat in a none emotional way, the ones with emotionally focused messages will look silly. Not you, because fact is fact. You didn’t do the cheating.

[GloriousTechnicolour]

God they are awful. I don't know anyone who behaves like that or speaks about other people in that way! I couldn't bear it.

[Whitenoisefan]

@MynameisHappind
The wife isn’t in the group and never was. No-one has suggested she leave any group that she is in.

[MynameisHappind]

Why should the wife leave the group? She needs all the support she could get ow and op are the ones who should leave. The cheek of staying in the group, without even actually needing it for your dc anymore. It's all me me me, what suits me best.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

don’t need to be in the group any more, but I don’t want to leave as it looks like I’m agreeing with them that I was in the wrong (if that makes sense)

I’d leave but before make a firm statement

You had nothing to do with this affair , two people had it . NOT YOU
You don’t approve of affairs
And that it’s bullshit and slander to bring your name into something you have nothing to do with , and you do not appreciate being slandered - maybe add a line about ‘legal advice ‘
They are ducking idiots , you are well rid

[Whitenoisefan]

Thanks for all your messages. I have stayed in the group and they have moved on to another target (a teacher who was seen jogging in a ‘crop too’ on Friday afternoon). I’ll wait till the end of term when the group tends to go quiet and leave discreetly.

[MilerVino]

"friends" who knew, in my eyes were just as bad.

Rubyand, I'm really sorry you went through this. However, to me, I think the worst person is the one who made the vows and the promises to be faithful. When you're on the outside of this situation but aware of it, you know you're not responsible for the behaviour of others. You're stuck in a difficult position because people do shoot the messenger. You're also aware that the person cheated on might not believe you.

I know it must feel like a betrayal, and that they're not looking out for you. But ultimately I will always look to the person who made vows, and then chose to break them.

[Yorkshiretolondon]

Sounds like they are in the school playground! I would have to comment on the what’s app and then remove myself... but tell them you are doing so... not because you are shouldering any guilt but because you are fed up with such moany twittering people

[rubyandbumpsmum]

I know. But ultimately when your in that situation you still feel betrayed. I wasnt technically friends with the people from work, but if I ever went in they all came to say hello and chat to my son (including the woman!) Like nothing was wrong all smiles and acting normally and the whole time they all knew what was going on. It's incredibly hard and anyone seen as supporting it I cut out of my life.

I would imagine this is the case here too because this woman knew, supported her friend in basically potentially destroying a family and the other friends of the wife now feel that this woman condones this behaviour so therefore dont trust her anymore. An affair causes more problems and damage than people think at the time.
I would not support any friend of mine who chose to do this after what I went through x

[feelingfragile]

@rubyandbumpsmum

Having been the wife in this situation. Word for word husband had an affair with woman at work for a month or so, the "friends" who knew, in my eyes were just as bad. I dont see how you can support someone doing that knowing that there is a family and kids involved.
What I found hardest to accept was how the same friends all smiled to my face and all acted totally normal whilst knowing the whole time what I didn't know. The whole situation is shit and close friends probably thought you would say something. But ours didnt either....

She's not friends with the man and has wife, just the other woman from my understanding

[Muminho]

Thet sound like bullies who are just enjoying the drama. They want a reaction from you so they can carry on the bitchy messages. I wouldn't give them the oxygen. Stay in the group but turn off notifications and stop reading the messages for now. You don't have to explain yourself to them, it's none of their business.

[Redruby25]

Men are easily led 🙄🤦‍♀️🤣🤣🤣🤣 I love it!
Yeah I agree with what some others have said on here, decide if you really want to or need to have these people in your life. Sounds like they are just using you as someone to blame instead of the real people involved!

[AlternativePerspective]

There are always a lot of self righteous posters on these threads who claim they would never stay friends with someone who had an affair or that they would always tell the wife...

Thing is, every last one of those posters likely knows someone who is having or has had an affair, and some of those posters will have stayed friends with those people because it’s just not that simple. And others won’t have ended friendships because well, they didn’t know,so they can keep the moral high ground.

There is a difference between being supportive of someone in general and actually supporting an affair. If the OP had e.g. lent them her house to shag in then it would be understandable that the wife at least would be upset.

But the friends are just being disingenuous. It was none of their business.

As for comparing an affair to murder. Don’t be so ridiculous.

[SandyY2K]

Whatever support you were giving, it looks like you were condoning the behavior to others and if I was the wife I would have left the whatsapp group too... I'd feel like a fool that you knew what was going on and she may think others knew too and were laughing behind her back.

Maybe she had said this to some friends and she doesn't believe them.

I feel I couldn't trust anyone who called themselves a friend.

You're judged by the company you keep at times. Right or wrong... that's life.

[Celestine70]

If you don't care about these people just tell them exactly what you think.

[Mothership4two]

You cannot win in this situation OP, you are the bad guy for not speaking up and you would have been the bad guy if you had.

HE's the bad guy, he betrayed his wife.

[rubyandbumpsmum]

Having been the wife in this situation. Word for word husband had an affair with woman at work for a month or so, the "friends" who knew, in my eyes were just as bad. I dont see how you can support someone doing that knowing that there is a family and kids involved.
What I found hardest to accept was how the same friends all smiled to my face and all acted totally normal whilst knowing the whole time what I didn't know. The whole situation is shit and close friends probably thought you would say something. But ours didnt either....

[Treacletoots]

Fucking idiots. You really can't win OP. I once told a friend that his best friend was fucking his girlfriend, and making him look like a complete idiot, under his nose.

I got excluded for months, until one day the penny dropped, he rushed out of work, and found the two in bed together.

To be fair he did apologise afterwards and thanked me for trying to tell him, but I got a hell of a lot of stress just for doing the right thing.

Shoot the messenger..

[DanceItOut]

I would’ve replied to “at no point did I condone anyone having an affair nor did I take part in an affair however I also didn’t dob them in to anyone because I’m not a tattle tale and it’s not my business” and left it at that.

[Passenger42]

Sounds like someone in this group doesn’t like you and is using this as an excuse to bully you out. Guilty by association. Follow advise of others and say I don’t condone my friends actions but I’m not responsible and I decided to mind my own business and maybe you should do the same!

[FelicisNox]

Grow a pair, get on that WhatsApp and tell them:

The affair was clearly nothing to do with you, you didn't condone it at the time and you don't condone it now but you were told in confidence therefore it was not your secret to tell. You had a duty to your good friend to be supportive and you did so.

Then tell them to grow the F up and take their anger out on the person who deserves it (if they have the balls) HIM.

Then leave the group: you did what any good friend would do but they are angry for their friend and rightfully so. You kept a dreadful secret from them and unfortunately you have now been put in the same untrustworthy category..... if it were me I wouldn't trust you again either and that's the legacy you've left yourself with. It's unfortunate but that's the price you pay for loyalty.

Should they be blaming you for the affair? Absolutely not. That's nothing to do with you.

Say your piece and walk away, they won't forgive you so you're losing nothing.

[Jeeperscreepers69]

Step back delete whatsapp group and find new friends