Why am I getting the blame for their affair?

[Whitenoisefan]

Will try to keep this short. Last summer my close friend had an affair with a married man she works with. It lasted a few months and she told me about it at the time. I supported her emotionally whilst telling her that it was the wrong thing to be doing. During lockdown, the man has confessed to his wife and it has all come out. I know who this man and his wife are, but we are not friends. We do have a group of mutual female friends. Somehow they have found out that I knew and it seems that I’m getting the brunt of their anger. It seems that he is off the hook as men are easily led and my friend is off the hook because she is single and has MH issues. One woman went as far as to say that she now does not trust me round her husband! This has all kicked off over the group Whatspp chat. I thought I was being loyal to a friend - have I got this massively wrong?

I'd put exactly what Lockdown suggested and leave the group. You don't need these people in your life.

Go with your husbands suggestion. In fact I'd tear them a new one before I left the group chat. I'd be like "I don't know where you all get off blaming me for an affair that happened between two consenting adults who should know better, but if it helps you sleep at night then by all means, put me in the stocks. And xxx, you have no need to worry, your husband is definitely not my type"

Fuck them, you don't need idiots like this in your life.

Has your friend come to your defence at all?

I would just be blunt and say it wasn’t you having the affair. It was those two and regardless of being “easily led” “mental health issues” “single” they were still at behind the wife’s back. Not you.

Then fuck them off. You don’t need idiot sheeple like that.

Because for whatever reason, you're the easiest target.

I agree with the general tone of the thread though, these are not people you need to maintain a friendship with. I'd tell them all what stupid cunts they are, since you've nothing to lose if they hate you anyway, and leave the chat.

@MoggyMittens23
She doesn’t know - she left the group and deleted Whatspp. I haven’t told her.

I'd be so tempted to just be bullish and defiant.

Really? I must have had a remote control for his willy and his brain all those times.

If you didn't want to speak to them again.

You are being scapegoated op .

I would disengage. When people start scapegoating, they lose any ability to behave reasonably.

Not quite the same, but when my brother had an affair and left his wife and kids, (I know), but also had some quite serious MH issues, I refused to cut him out completely although I also did not like what he had done. I think it was two years later, I finally met the OW who was then my dbro's partner and my exsil went fucking nuts, refused to let me see my niece and nephew etc. Was pretty unfair as she was still very nice to dbro. I think people get so distressed by affairs and marriage breakdowns, that they often stop thinking straight and look for a scapegoat.

I think what Lockdown wrote sounds really good.

Essentially, your ‘friends’ need to be looking at their own behaviour. They’ve heard about an affair, they’ve excused the husband and they’ve excused the other woman. All you did was mind your own business and made it clear that you didn’t condone your friend’s actions. God forbid, but if your DH ever had an affair, they’ve just demonstrated that you can expect no support from them whatsoever. Why would you want to have them in your life?

They cannot say/bitch what the really want to because you are there, so they have turned it onto you. If you leave (which you should) they will start on your friend.

You supported her while she was doing something so horrible, so it is understandable that people might think you agree with/ have similar type of morals. Not saying you do but I can understand why. It was wrong though to pass comments to you.
FWIW, a very close friend did the same and confided in me. She needed to feel better about what she was doing. I ended the friendship because I just cant support/associate with that.

You're not getting blamed for them having the affair, you are getting blamed for supporting her in having it. I'm not surprised they no longer trust you, if you support one affair who's to say you won't be supportive when the next one comes along?

I somehow doubt he is "off the hook" entirely, either.

@contrmary

You're not getting blamed for them having the affair, you are getting blamed for supporting her in having it. I'm not surprised they no longer trust you, if you support one affair who's to say you won't be supportive when the next one comes along?

I somehow doubt he is "off the hook" entirely, either.

Why do you doubt it? Not like men never get off scot free when it comes to this type of thing.

I would post something along the lines of don’t take this out on me. They are the ones who had the affair, I told her it was wrong, you are a bunch of nasty people directing your comments at the wrong person. Then leave the group

From your updates the group sounds insufferably bitchy.

Is the betrayed wife quite a queen bee type figure so because she's accepted her husband back and has excused him, her followers must show the same lack of independent thought and validate her?

@Pogmella sounds like we had the same thing happen - it sucks doesn’t it. It was like a double blow, being hurt by OH and then by my friends as well. Both men and women in our group acted the same tho 🤷‍♀️

The real kicker was after we split up (2 years later) he then went on to date and marry another girl in our group - and it’s like it all never happened! He’s the golden boy and I was phased out of the group forever. I have much better friends and DH now.

Yes, I was aware that x and y were having an affair. I told x that she should end it. They are both grown adults and they both made a decision to have sex with each other. I was particularly disappointed with man’s name as he decided to cheat on his wife. I’m not responsible for the actions of other adults. I feel all the comments aimed toward me are unjustified so I am leaving this group.

Yep, you should post the above. Though personally, I'd leave out the sentence I've struck out about the guy, and keep it absolutely factual and impersonal.

I would post to the effect that it's a funny old world when a woman who simply knew about an affair gets a good deal more shit than either of the parties actually engaging in it; particularly in view of the fact that you don't know the bloke and his wife very well at all. I'd point out that it was a precisely these much-vaunted MH issues (that seem almost to have given her a hall pass) that meant you felt compelled to support her, and it's pretty much a binary choice - a) 'blabbing' would have meant not supporting her, so supporting unfortunately meant b) 'concealing'. Then I'd leave, wishing them luck in finding a new thing upon which to focus their obvious and adolescent need for drama.

They’re a group of Those Mothers, aren’t they?

He can’t be blamed. Because he’s a poor ickle penis wielder who needs to be instructed on how to tie his laces and not fuck other women.

She’s a crazy, single woman who they can faux fawn over and ooze sympathy all the while feeling superior because they have it together, and their lives haven’t gone down the shitter.

But you! You’re married. You were supposed to be one of them. You were supposed to inform them all so you could all enjoy the drama and the “his poor wife” bullshit while talking about it in detail behind her back.

You broke ranks. So naturally they have to turn on you. That’s what the hive mind demands!

I’d respond “fuck all of you” and leave.

You can blame the man, the other woman and the acquintance who knew and said nothing. It's not a matter of either/or.

Frankly, I wouldn't trust you either because you knew and said nothing. In my view your relation with these women is more than strangers or random people. You are still in their group despite no real need now that children are grown up. This indicates some sort of relation beyond a basic acquintance for purely practical reasons. You participated in her humiliation by keeping your friend's secret whether you intended it or not.

The comment about not trusting you around her husband is really stupid.

Loyalty to friends is not a carte blanche. Would you not tip off the police if you knew your friend caused criminal damage? What about if they killed someone? Does it depend on what they have done and to whom? Of course, some would turn a blind eye.. morality is on a sliding scale it seems.

I find it mesmerising how many a times replies on MN were largely in favour of being told when asked whether they would want to know if their husband is cheating yet here the replies seem to be backing up your choice of silence.

It seems the angle from which you project your question, for what is fundamentally the same problem, yields different answers.

People have their own morals and views upon which they make their choices... i would respect their view as i'm sure you would like yours respected and find a new group of friends who share your values. I would leave the group out of empathy for the poor woman if nothing else.

And before i get jumped on about the husband and ow, well they aren't on this thread to get a piece of my mind, so please don't make it a man/woman thing - it's really not.

@LolaSmiles
In a way, yes. She and her husband are well off, drive flash cars, big house, perfect children etc. He has a good job and designer suits etc. The others do look up to her in a way. One woman on the group did express surprised that he had stooped so low - not by having an affair but by choosing someone like my friend who is a single mum struggling to make ends meet.

@vinoelle and @Pogmella, similar happened to me in a previous relationship as OW was in same circles, I was very angry but it is like you are meant to be all sweetness and light about it? It was easier to remain friends with them as they weren't sad or "difficult".

DevilsSpawn

But you're not comparing like with like. Adultery is immoral. Criminal damage and murder are illegal. The fact that the latter carry serious criminal penalties and the former doesn't attract any, shows that there is indeed a sliding scale.

They are deflecting. Throwing blame around to see where it sticks. They have to defend the man, because he represents their DHs, and to admit that he was at fault is to admit that their DHs may cheat. Your DF is, no doubt, being bitched about behind the scenes, but her poor MH means they don't want to do so in public in case one of their number pipes up with 'oh, but she has such poor MH!' and they have to be all woke and accepting.

So you are the only one left to turn it all onto.

Leave the group and leave them to it.

I do think men are gold plated in our society. Even cheating ones. Why take it out on a man who had an affair, when there is a perfectly good female scapegoat to take it out on?

I have never yet seen a man get his social comeuppance after having an affair. I've seen plenty of women though, guilty of less serious misdemeanors, ripped to shreds.

I heard of an affair in a slightly modern 'happy clappy' church where I grew up. The headmistress of the school had an affair with the pastor. When it all came out, the headmistress got fired. The pastor got sent on a luxury holiday with his wife to patch things up.