Why am I getting the blame for their affair?

[Whitenoisefan]

Will try to keep this short. Last summer my close friend had an affair with a married man she works with. It lasted a few months and she told me about it at the time. I supported her emotionally whilst telling her that it was the wrong thing to be doing. During lockdown, the man has confessed to his wife and it has all come out. I know who this man and his wife are, but we are not friends. We do have a group of mutual female friends. Somehow they have found out that I knew and it seems that I’m getting the brunt of their anger. It seems that he is off the hook as men are easily led and my friend is off the hook because she is single and has MH issues. One woman went as far as to say that she now does not trust me round her husband! This has all kicked off over the group Whatspp chat. I thought I was being loyal to a friend - have I got this massively wrong?

[GeneParmesanPrivateEye]

@IDontLikeZombies

Someone just posted ‘We know you can see this, why don’t you stand up for yourself? and there's the key to it all. They're bored and they bitch to amuse themselves.

Reply to this with a classic Gladiator gif - it's Russell Crowe in the arena 'Are you not entertained?'

Then I'd probably add:
1: because I'm not here to provide you with something to do whilst you're bored of bitching about school.

2: because you blaming me for the actions of a married man - and saying you don't trust me round your husbands - is your own internalised misogyny showing, and nothing I say can undo that - you have to work on that yourselves.

(but then... I'd no longer be friends with them!)

[SleepingStandingUp]

@Viviennemary

I think it was a bit sneaky of you to keep this to yourself and support your friend when you knew she was having an affair with a married man. But if course you were not as bad as the two folk involved.

But on MN whenever anyone knows of an affair they're categorically rooms not to tell the wife!

[ItsSpittingEverybodyIn]

I would put a shout message in capitals on the group chat I HAVE NOT SHAGGED ANYONE'S HUSBAND, NOR AM I INTERESTED IN DOING SO. I DIDN'T ASK MY FRIEND TO TELL ME THAT SHE DID, SO YOU CAN ALL FUCK OFF.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Op Re defending yourself, just point out you have no need to defend yourself about where a man chooses to put his penis unless it's in you. They'll take your silence as guilt

[felixowl]

Whaat!
Are we expected to 'grass' on all our friends who are not perfect. I wouldn't have many people to talk to.
We, DW and I, knew that a woman friend was having an affair. She started getting cagey and off-putting about us going to her house or them coming to ours.
Then I discovered that she had been going to 'evening meetings for work and staying over at our house' nearby. I had not seen her for six months.
She was not. She was off on nights of passion at expensive boutique hotels in Mayfair two or three times a month. She was afraid that I might answer wrongly!!!!
My dear wife was a bit miffed when we found out.

[acatcalledjohn]

Someone just posted ‘We know you can see this, why don’t you stand up for yourself?’ so I’m staying in and staying silent. At least if they are attacking me then they haven’t got their claws into anyone else.

"You are right. I should stand up for myself. You are a bunch of immature cunts for blaming me for someone else's affair. As for you not trusting me around your husband: stop projecting your marriage insecurities on me and perhaps consider some counselling. And don't flatter yourself, he isn't everyone's cup of tea, least of all mine. Now you can get back to your teenage school ground bitching, I don't wish to be associated with you."

You are not responsible for them getting their claws in someone else.

[mencken]

sounds like this lot have never left the playground. Tell them that and then drop out of the kiddy-chat and find some real friends.

how can it be your fault that your friend and this bloke are shagabouts?

[ThePlantsitter]

You could say 'I'm not defending myself because I feel so guilty that I secretly know all your husbands are having affairs with people who are not me too. So sorry everyone. Bye.'?

[ThePlantsitter]

By the way, not only is it about entertainment for them, but they are ALL pissed off that you knew and they didn't. They are utter fucknozzles.

[jessstan2]

It's a pity they found out that you knew but they are being quite stupid; it wasn't you who had the affair. In your place I would have given my friend support as well as telling her it was wrong - but she knew that anyway.

Pay no attention to these imbeciles.

[ivfdreaming]

If someone in my friendship group knew about an affair and "emotionally supported" the OW then I wouldn't trust them either. It comes down to the fact it looks like you chose the OW over the other friends particularly the poor wife and even may have facilitated the affair by covering for it. Most female friends tend to have a bit of female solidarity going and would have told the wife what was going on. You didn't.

[winniesanderson]

If OP had told the wife what was going on she would have been shot down as a home wrecker, a stirrer. It may have been covered up so then she's a liar. She can't win either way. I've read loads of threads on here where that's happened. It's a shame people shoot the messenger rather than admit that the real problem is their cheating dp. If I was you OP I would be putting together some of the excellent suggestions on this thread and sending it to them. Female solidarity goes all ways. You were caught in a difficult situation that wasn't of your making. I'd be damned if I'd let my so called friends bitch about me in this situation without a reply. Though I appreciate taking the high ground would probably be more effective.

[feelingfragile]

'I'm not replying as I can't work out what some of you think I've actually done wrong. I wonder if you're a bit confused about what happened, but out of respect for all parties involved I won't be giving any information as the issue is between the three people who are actually involved in this'

[Toptotoeunicolour]

You hear this sort of thing so often and it's really weird in a world where we all accept that the person making the promises of his own free will is responsible for keeping the promises. That's the logical way of thinking. But illogically, at some primeval level, women seem to accept that men are frail beings not in control of their own penises and the only way to protect your family set up is by eliminating any women from your social circle who might provide "opportunity" to the said errant men.
I was a single and lived the life of a nun for seven years. All the married mums in the playground avoided the single mums like the plague, no matter how much we tried. The second I met someone and got married they all wanted me as their friend, as if I'd "changed sides". Weird.

[Viviennemary]

OP should have told one of her friends and let them decide whether or not the married woman in question should be told. It was sneaky not to IMHO. I wouldn't like somebody in my friendship group covering up and supporting a woman having an affair with a married man.

[zingally]

It sounds like a mis-direction of anger at an easy target (you).

"Yes, friend told me, in confidence, that she was having an affair with mans name. I told her at the time, and repeatedly since, that it was the wrong thing to be doing. However, they are both adults, and their behaviour is on them, and them alone. I am confused and upset that I am being blamed for this. All I did was counsel our friend "with mental health problems" that this was a bad move.

[DrDavidBanner]

@Boulshired

They cannot say/bitch what the really want to because you are there, so they have turned it onto you. If you leave (which you should) they will start on your friend.

This

TBH I can't think of anything worse than a school mum's Whatsapp group. Mums in the schoolyard are worse than kids in the school yard.

I'd tell them exactly what you think of them and then leave the group, you don't need that energy in your life.

[Damnloginpopup]

"Defend myself for telling her not to? I suppose I'll get the blame for the other two of you whose husbands I know about..."

How delicious to get them all wondering about themselves and the others...a bit like shaving one eyebrow off someone at a party. Takes a cunt to kill a cunt as my granny used to say*

(she didn't. I made that bit up.)

[feelingfragile]

@Viviennemary

OP should have told one of her friends and let them decide whether or not the married woman in question should be told. It was sneaky not to IMHO. I wouldn't like somebody in my friendship group covering up and supporting a woman having an affair with a married man.

You mean she should have gossiped about her friend behind her back?

[Pogmella]

@winniesanderson yep when I discovered ExH’s affair I got told I was in the wrong for telling people what had happened! He and OW felt we should have all kept it between ourselves and gone with the ‘we separated and a year later he met OW’ plan they had concocted but not got around to doing as he wanted to come on a fancy long haul family holiday with me before leaving. Apparently my telling people what I like to call ‘the truth’ was really classless and damaging to everyone.

Honestly, it was like living in some mad altered reality for that first year. Being gaslit by many people I used to hold dear...

[SleepingStandingUp]

@ivfdreaming

If someone in my friendship group knew about an affair and "emotionally supported" the OW then I wouldn't trust them either. It comes down to the fact it looks like you chose the OW over the other friends particularly the poor wife and even may have facilitated the affair by covering for it. Most female friends tend to have a bit of female solidarity going and would have told the wife what was going on. You didn't.

Op has said she doesn't know the wife v well, so her "female solidarity" goes to supporting her friend. Not everyone turns on their friends if they dare to screw up

[LolaSmiles]

Most female friends tend to have a bit of female solidarity going and would have told the wife what was going on. You didn't.
The problem is that if the OP did tell then the wife would believe whatever lies her husband told because she's clearly never going to leave him and is more invested in presenting the perfect couple, perfect lifestyle image that gets her a little posse of admirers.
At that point the posse of bitches would accuse the OP of being a home wrecker, probably throw in claims that the OP is just jealous of the queen bee and her amaaazzziiinnng husband, and then also have a go at her for stirring about their friend with mental health difficulties.

This is why if people have affairs they shouldn't bring anyone else into it. The bystanders get all the shit, whatever they do.


Let's be real here, this group haven't left school. It's like observing cliquey groups of teenage girls who seem to have a different victim in the group every few weeks and despite the lack of respect and how two-faced everyone is, they still fight to keep their place in the clique.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@Viviennemary

OP should have told one of her friends and let them decide whether or not the married woman in question should be told. It was sneaky not to IMHO. I wouldn't like somebody in my friendship group covering up and supporting a woman having an affair with a married man.

And if this other friend took the MN line that you don't tell the wife their partners having an affair as its not your have, they'll find out eventually etc? If two of them had agreed it wasn't their place to tell, would that be OK or should they have kept telling people until someone suggested telling the wife?

[Topseyt]

Honestly, they just sound batshit.

I would just leave the group and not give them much more headspace.

If you must leave a parting shot make it something like just telling them that you really can't be arsed being friends with such twats and that they are welcome to continue their bitch-fest without you.

[burdog]

What an awful situation, OP. The group aren't owed an explanation at all, but I wonder if they're making things up in their heads about what "support" you provided and are assuming you helped conceal the affair or provided an alibi for your friend. If you do respond, I wouldn't defend yourself by saying you were just supporting your friend. I would just say that you knew, told her you didn't approve and are disappointed in her choices and behaviour but since both individuals are adults, you have no control over what they decide to do.