TMI.. To not want to use condoms?

[Bonehilda]

First, my DP and I are in an exclusive relationship and STDs aren't a problem as we've been checked. We have an active sex life, but some things are starting to irk me.

I'm on the implant, one of the most effective forms of birth control out there. Even though I bleed like a bitch on it, I love the fact that me and DP could have sex without a condom. I really hate them, I feel like they are a physical barrier during a time that I feel is very intimate.
The problem is though, DP doesn't trust anything other than condoms, no matter what I say I can't convince him that my implant is very effective.
He has NEVER had sex without a condom either, with anyone at all, so he doesn't know how it feels without them. He also cannot ejaculate with it on, so every time we have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish off leaving me feeling unsatisfied and rather peeved off.

I'm starting to feel a little bit untrusted, unloved and unwanted due to all of these things. I want to be able to feel him, and him feel me, I want to have that ultimate intimacy and level of closeness.

Yabu- you're being a sensitive moo over this, shut up and get over it.
Yanbu- he is being wayyyy over paranoid.

Help!

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If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

@MamaFirst that's one of the most patronising replies. Why did you even bother posting something so unhelpful? Yes I didnt give all the info because when I started this thread, it wasn't about that. I replied to everyone I saw have questions and I'm still going through all the responses for any I have missed.

Two problems:

• he doesn't trust you enough to be SURE that you won't pull a fast one to be a mum. You've only been together for a year, and you aren't married, so perhaps not so surprising
• he prefers finishing off himself. Only you can decide if this is ok for you.

@DianasLasso I made this thread wanting to know who was being unreasonable. By the majority of the replies, it seems that I am. I just wish to give him the closeness he's never felt before, I do miss it. There's nothing like being that intimate, trusting and vulnerable with someone. There are a few that understand where I am coming from as well and I'm glad others can see my view. Once again, I will never ever force him to not wear a condom. Everyone has given me something to think about good and bad. I think we should have a full proper conversation about a vasectomy, counselling, etc.

@Someone1987

THankfully, it's not my son but his friend. The young lady has posted her scan pics all over facebook and he has gone quiet - he is in shock - he really didn't consider having a baby this young but is sticking by her (or doing his best). He always wore a condom, that's the silly thing, she insisted he need not bother since she went on the pill (apparently), it appears she forgot to take it a couple of times. It most definitely sounds like a trap to keep him or more likely to have the baby she wants. For some young girls babies sound great but they don't realise the work......the commitment and the possible strain on the relationship....

@Bonehilda

My last post immediately above was not aimed at you or you partner but at the young lady and my son's friend... she trapped him - it's awful.

Reading the replies, I can see that there have been some good suggestions to try. I wish you the best in resolving this for both of you. I agree it would be lovely if you could work through a change in how he is able to ejaculate and also help you enjoy and feel closer to him.

Best wishes x

@ResumetonormalASAP that's ok, I have read your posts and I think it's awful that your son's friend was trapped. That's the biggest betrayal of trust as there will always be the baby there to remind him of that betrayal. That's one of the reasons I can't solely rely on the pill, I would be too scared if I miss taking it by even a minute and that's not a gamble I would like to take. And thank you.

I wouldn't be ok with this, at all.

Sex doesn't feel as good with a condom, but personal choice to wear one - I could accept that even if I didn't like it.

But the refusing to finish inside you, stopping in the middle of it, not letting you touch him, not touching you, all of that would make me feel very rejected and frustrated and confused and upset. I couldn't continue like that and frankly, only a year into a relationship sex should be great and fun and easy with both of you into the same things, ideally.

I am really worried that you are going to get hurt.

The pregnancy and vasectomy is a red herring.

You aren't listening to the clues he is giving you.

You talk about wanting to give him the intimacy he has never had but that seems to be exactly what he doesn't want.

It is soul destroying to be in a relationship where you are seriously sexually incompatible. It is devastating to find that your partner isn't turned on by you or by sex with you.

I think there is a real risk that as your relationship continues and becomes more comfortable he will withdraw from intimacy further rather than allowing more intimacy.

He isn't being honest and open with you.

Leave him and find someone who wants to have mutually enjoyable fulfilling sex with you.

[quote Bonehilda]@MandosHatHair I don't see how having discussions with him is pressuring him? I've never once withheld sex due to him wanting to wear a condom. That's a form of abuse I believe.
I do bring it up, asking if there's anything we can do to make him comfortable, what is he actually worried about, if me going on the pill as well (two forms) would ease his mind, but no.[/quote]
Sorry if I'm misunderstanding here but you can't go on the pill if you already have the implant?

He has really done a job on you Op that you think that this is your issue 😔

Personally I wouldn't be keen on this either, but there is a lot of women out there who 'accidentally on purpose' get pregnant sadly, so he's being responsible and ensuring this doesn't happen which is good to hear.

@Bonehilda

I've not said he isn't willing to orgasm in the same room so I have no idea. He will do it next to me. We'd be in the middle of having sex (which I don't get why people doesn't understand me when I say it's great, because it does feel good to me and I do enjoy it) he'll get off, take the condom off and start wanking. If I try and help, he moves my hand down to grope his balls. I've already said this in one of the posts.

The reason people don’t understand you when you say the sex is great is because you’ve also said he pulls out before you finish, and doesn’t give you an orgasm any other way.

How long does it take him to come when he starts wanking? If it’s not long then I assume he finishes the sex because he’s too close. So it’s not that he can’t finish in a condom it’s that he doesn’t want to. Potentially due to this deep fear of pregnancy. But as great as the sex is before he pulls out, the real question is why he doesn’t give you an orgasm afterwards? So that’s why previous posters are having difficulty understanding you saying it’s great.

It is soul destroying to be in a relationship where you are seriously sexually incompatible. It is devastating to find that your partner isn't turned on by you or by sex with you.

This ^

Love is not enough. "Because I love him" is not a good enough reason to piss your life up the wall. If it only goes one way, it's pointless - and if he refuses to address this issue, leaves you feeling sufficiently like shit that you are reduced to posting on an anonymous internet board, then he is not making you feel loved.

I realise you're not prepared to act on any of the advice on here right now... but please don't find yourself waking up 10 years from now realising that you've wasted a decade of your life on someone who was never prepared to even think about what you needed from a relationship, rather than his own needs.

I'm with everyone saying that there is GIGANTIC RED FLAGS all over the shop. This doesn't appear to just be a pregnancy thing... It's going to hurt to explore that, but one day you'll be grateful that you did it now and not five years down the line.

The 'not having an orgasm in the same room' I took to be hyperbole for effect, not sure why anyone would take it literally.

And I really don't see how a man putting his penis inside you and moving it about can be 'great sex'. For me, great sex involves at least one orgasm each, however that happens. PIV has never been that much fun for me, I prefer to orgasm other ways, but if it's what a man needs to get him off, then I'll happily oblige. Your man doesn't even get off from PIV.

That's not great sex, is it?

So, you asked for advice, we gave you advice, and now you're ignoring the advice?

YABU. I’m 3 years post menopause, married 25 years and we still use condoms. He’s being really responsible.

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. You seem very fixated on having something different to the sex he had with previous girlfriends, which is oddly jealous, surely your sex together is unique to the two of you anyway ? While you seem relatively unconcerned about the fact he stops just while you are enjoying sex together, and wanks next to you instead. I would imagine this is why he has never had a long term relationship, it is deeply strange, he must know that and to not face it is selfish. Do you want this to be your sex life for ever ? If he really won’t address this then I would end the relationship.
I don’t believe this is anything to do with contraception, really.

We've been together a year. He is very good during sex, but when I get into it it stops so he can finish. And I can't help him finish as he won't let me, the most he let's me do is play with his balls! He also wont play with me while doing so and I'm left feeling frustrated after. Unsure if it's because of PE, but I wouldn't even know anyway.

Have I understood this properly?

He won't let you masturbate yourself while he is masturbaring himself? And he doesn't ever bring you to an orgasm, the only way that happens is when you're solo?

OP it doesn't sound from what you have said that he brings you to orgasm (either PIV or other ways). Has he ever?

OP sorry if I've missed an update, have you read the article posted about Death Grip, do you think that's a possibility?

Of course, that doesn't explain the condom issue, but it would explain him having to finish himself off.

So many issues. Is he getting you off OP?

If not, bin him off, you've wasted enough time on this "relationship" now. He doesn't want to change and it's not your job to convince him.

Using two forms of birth control is just good practice.

Your problem really isn’t the condoms. You should get to have satisfying sex with orgasms. That is the issue I would focus on. If he needs to finish solo (which is odd, I admit) then he should be making sure you are satisfied before he gets too far along.

May I also gently enquire as to if you've ever had sex with somebody who made sure that you came?

For a long time I'd only slept with selfish lovers who were only interested in their own orgasm. I didn't help the situation with the first few because I somehow got it into my young and naieve head that I should fake orgasm.

It took until i was well into my 30s and one good lover to realise that it was actually very easy to make me orgasm, it just took an attentive lover, and I've never looked back.

Until that point, I'd have told you that the sex with my exes was very good. I enjoyed PIV. I still do - the difference now is that whoever orgasms first, they immediately do whatever they need to, to get the other one there too. Now THAT'S what I call good sex!

YANBU but neither is he.
Men only have 2 contraception choices- condoms or vasectomy.
I hate hate hate condoms too as I’m sensitive to them. So you’re not alone there.
It’s why we need the male pill and shot to be finished testing and made available. Condoms aren’t universally usable by everyone due to sensitivities/allergies and do affect sexual pleasure for both men and women.

But, for now, you are just going to have to compromise.