TMI.. To not want to use condoms?

[Bonehilda]

First, my DP and I are in an exclusive relationship and STDs aren't a problem as we've been checked. We have an active sex life, but some things are starting to irk me.

I'm on the implant, one of the most effective forms of birth control out there. Even though I bleed like a bitch on it, I love the fact that me and DP could have sex without a condom. I really hate them, I feel like they are a physical barrier during a time that I feel is very intimate.
The problem is though, DP doesn't trust anything other than condoms, no matter what I say I can't convince him that my implant is very effective.
He has NEVER had sex without a condom either, with anyone at all, so he doesn't know how it feels without them. He also cannot ejaculate with it on, so every time we have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish off leaving me feeling unsatisfied and rather peeved off.

I'm starting to feel a little bit untrusted, unloved and unwanted due to all of these things. I want to be able to feel him, and him feel me, I want to have that ultimate intimacy and level of closeness.

Yabu- you're being a sensitive moo over this, shut up and get over it.
Yanbu- he is being wayyyy over paranoid.

Help!

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He is absolutely not unreasonable to insist upon condom use and you really shouldn't give him a hard time for taking responsibility for his own fertility.

However the other issues are a problem. He doesn't have to do anything he is uncomfortable with and you shouldn't pester him to but equally if this isn't fulfilling now leave him as things are unlikely to get better.

It seems very likely that he is not being entirely honest with you. We can't say what is going on with him, but it has been a year and things haven't changed so they are unlikely to be easily resolved now.

I would think possible issues are:
1 He has (or believes he may have) an STD and hasn't been honest
2 He is gay and can't reconcile his feelings
3 He has some kind of kink or proclivity that isn't compatible with PIV sex with you
4 He suffers lack of sensitivity due to death grip and can't come any other way
5 He suffers delayed ejaculation and this is the only way he can come
6 His fear of pregnancy is so deeply ingrained as to be irrational and unreasonable

Honestly none of these are easy or quick fixes with the possible exception of 1, depending upon which STD he has. Is he so perfect in all other ways that you would accept this as a potentially permanent state of affairs? If not leave now.

Would he be happy if you used a cervical cap/diaphragm?

If it's somewhere in his head that he can't relax without two methods of contraception, then that might help? If he'd agree to a female condom but not a diaphragm, then I'd think he's worried about passing something on, but not pregnancy.

Okay, he had bowel cancer 6 years ago. He's been told there was a high chance he could be infertile due to the chemo. No tests have been done but that's his choice.

I will not leave him because I really love him. He is such a kind and gentle person, this is literally the only issue I have. I admit, it is MY issue and I own up to that.
I would never pressure him into not using condoms, I would appreciate it if he just considered trusting my birth control.

It's the fact that he fully trusts a bit of rubber that can break over the implant which is way more effective.
It really hurts that he used one form of contraception with his past girlfriends, but refuses to use one form with me. If I was on the pill then I would understand, but it's not like I can just tear the implant out of my arm!
To me, raw sex is the most intimate you could ever be with anyone and I want us to experience that. Condoms (to me) make me feel like I'm unclean and untrustworthy. Again, that's my issue not his.
But if he really doesn't want to then at least to keep going to come inside the condom.

And can people please stop discussing his sexuality. He isn't gay, I know that 100%.

Chemo does not conclusively make you infertile, and you cannot rely upon this especially if you haven’t had any tests done (lectures I received many times from medical professionals during my own chemo).

Good luck.

The issues on his side are: he doesn't like not using condoms - 100% his choice. He doesn't (or can't) come inside a woman - again, 100% his choice (we wouldn't be lecturing a woman with vaginismus that she should just suck it up and force herself to got through with PIV).

The issues on your side are: You find sex rawer without condoms (understandable - it does feel different, in my experience). You miss the intimacy of having orgasms together (again, I totally get this - as I said upthread, for me personally that's a very important part of intimacy).

These issues are fundamentally incompatible. The only options are - accept they're incompatible and split; or one of you gives ground and gives up on what you want in a sexual relationship (which seems to be you).

I'd worry long-term about the psychological damage this does to you - your own sexual satisfaction, your sense of self esteem and desirability. "But I love him" is the answer women always give in this situation (I know I have in the past), but in my experience it's almost always a psychologically unhealthy response.

At least think about this. How will you feel about this in five, ten, twenty years?

@thedancingbear I'm sorry, I thought you were taking the piss. Thank you for your defence. This whole subject is really sensitive to me and in between the posts telling me to leave, saying I'm selfish, his health and then him being gay, it's a lot. I just want to be closer in every way to the person I love. Maybe that's wrong of me to wish for

I second that chemo doesn't necessarily cause longterm infertility in men.

Having said that, you can talk to him again and you should, but is this a breaking point for you? I can understand if being sexually compatible is important, so you might want to think first if you are prepared to do it his way the rest of your life or not.

Yanbu but yabu

I hate condoms but if i was a man i would use them everytime unless i wanted a child.. just incase, also ive known people get pregnant on the coil and the implant.

I got pregnant whilst on the pill soooo

I don't think it is about 1 method v 2 methods, it is that condoms are a barrier method and within his control.

You say he isn't gay, and tbh that is pretty low on my list of likely reasons but there is a good chance that there is something else going on.

If he uses condoms and believes himself infertile there are three reasons why he won't come inside you. Essentially he doesn't want to, he can't or he is worried about transmitting something.

Has he had an HIV test? Hepititis? If so (and you have seen the results) then he is probably finishing himself off because he doesn't get what he needs from PIV and that means he is unlikely to change.

The fact he won't let you finish him off or touch him while he wanks really suggests something beyond worry about pregnancy.

It really hurts that he used one form of contraception with his past girlfriends, but refuses to use one form with me.

But that one form was condoms wasn't it?

I thought there were a lot of people who don't orgasm via PIV.

The issues on his side are: he doesn't like not using condoms - 100% his choice. He doesn't (or can't) come inside a woman - again, 100% his choice (we wouldn't be lecturing a woman with vaginismus that she should just suck it up and force herself to got through with PIV).

Well
Obviously not because vaginismus causes pain. Painful sex and not being willing to orgasm in the same room as your partner are not at all comparable.

@Moonmelodies

I thought there were a lot of people who don't orgasm via PIV.

Do you mean lots of men or lots of women? There aren't that many men who don't IME. There are lots of women who want and need PIV. What's the point of this question anyway?

Having read your update OP I think you are being unreasonable too.
It's your right to refuse to have sex with him if he is wearing a condom, it's also his choice to refuse to have sex unless he is wearing a condom. So if he is insistent on condoms, your choices are no sex, or sex with a condom.
It's bordering on coersion to pressure him into sex without his chosen form of contraception. He obviously doesn't trust either you or the form of contraception you are using, if you don't like that then it's your choice not to have sex with him.

@SinisterBumFacedCat

The issues on his side are: he doesn't like not using condoms - 100% his choice. He doesn't (or can't) come inside a woman - again, 100% his choice (we wouldn't be lecturing a woman with vaginismus that she should just suck it up and force herself to got through with PIV).

Well
Obviously not because vaginismus causes pain. Painful sex and not being willing to orgasm in the same room as your partner are not at all comparable.

Like all analogies, it's an imperfect one. So shoot me.

The point I was trying to make is that no-one should be pushed or coerced or guilt tripped into sexual acts they don't want, even if that sexual act is one the majority of people see as "just a normal part of sex." It is however, perfectly reasonable to end a relationship because what one partner wants sexually is never going to be acceptable to the other partner. I would, in this instance.

Incidentally, having suffered from vaginismus as a young woman for a number of years, yes, I do know exactly how painful it is (and how terrible the knock-on psychological effects are).

The point still stands - if someone doesn't want a particular sex act, it's unreasonable to push them into it. But by the same token, it's unreasonable to encourage someone else to stay in a relationship where their sexual needs aren't being met and it's doing them psychological damage.

I think OP has her head in the sand about this fundamental incompatibility between the two of them.

@SoupDragon yes, I meant he used condoms with them as one form and the implant with me as one form. Inside my head it makes sense.

@lexilooo yes, I chose to be tested and asked him to be tested as well at the beginning of the relationship. Even though he said he knew he didnt have anything, he agreed. I've seen the results and he's seen mine. I thought that him wanting to prove he was clean meant that he wouldn't want to use condoms with me, the assume saying comes to mind about that.
I've had that thought as well, that he doesn't need to orgasm via PIV, but I wish he would try it to see what it was like. If he didnt like it, I would drop it. But he refuses to try.

Ask him about a vasectomy. Sounds like it would fix everything.

@SoupDragon yes, I meant he used condoms with them as one form and the implant with me as one form. Inside my head it makes sense.

The reality is that it was his partners who were happy with one form of contraception though, not him.

@MandosHatHair I don't see how having discussions with him is pressuring him? I've never once withheld sex due to him wanting to wear a condom. That's a form of abuse I believe.
I do bring it up, asking if there's anything we can do to make him comfortable, what is he actually worried about, if me going on the pill as well (two forms) would ease his mind, but no.

@sinisterBumFacedCat

I think it’s death grip too... although there is so much more going on here...

not being willing to orgasm in the same room as your partner

Where does the OP say this?

TBH, the only people who can solve this is the OP and her partner - everything we can say is supposition.

It needs a long heart to heart conversation, either with or without counselling/couples therapy.

This is such a frustrating post.

The AIBU voting result is so close because she drip fed all the relevant info. The condom is totally irrelevant in comparison to the rest of it.

I feel sad for you op, that you think this is OK and acceptable enough to just carry on because you love him. He's not showing you much love with his intimacy is he? The intimacy you so desperately crave? That's very little to do with the condom in reality. He won't even let you touch him?! You clearly have strange stardards if you think being left frustrated every single time you've ever had sex, is great sex.

I'm full of 'wtf have I just read'. You aren't listening though, you aren't replying, so whatever. You've made your choice, I'm not even sure why you posted tbh.

I've not said he isn't willing to orgasm in the same room so I have no idea. He will do it next to me. We'd be in the middle of having sex (which I don't get why people doesn't understand me when I say it's great, because it does feel good to me and I do enjoy it) he'll get off, take the condom off and start wanking. If I try and help, he moves my hand down to grope his balls. I've already said this in one of the posts.

If he has never had sex without a condom I wouldn't think it's the condom that is stopping him finish. I would expect, even if he agrees not to use a condom, that he will still have issues finishing. Sorry