TMI.. To not want to use condoms?

[Bonehilda]

First, my DP and I are in an exclusive relationship and STDs aren't a problem as we've been checked. We have an active sex life, but some things are starting to irk me.

I'm on the implant, one of the most effective forms of birth control out there. Even though I bleed like a bitch on it, I love the fact that me and DP could have sex without a condom. I really hate them, I feel like they are a physical barrier during a time that I feel is very intimate.
The problem is though, DP doesn't trust anything other than condoms, no matter what I say I can't convince him that my implant is very effective.
He has NEVER had sex without a condom either, with anyone at all, so he doesn't know how it feels without them. He also cannot ejaculate with it on, so every time we have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish off leaving me feeling unsatisfied and rather peeved off.

I'm starting to feel a little bit untrusted, unloved and unwanted due to all of these things. I want to be able to feel him, and him feel me, I want to have that ultimate intimacy and level of closeness.

Yabu- you're being a sensitive moo over this, shut up and get over it.
Yanbu- he is being wayyyy over paranoid.

Help!

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If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

^@thedancingbear Hey, come on! We don't know what chemo he had or when or if , even.

It might have been when he was a child, decades ago.

Who says it affected his penis?

You cannot explain his behaviour by his having had chemo.

The chemo factor was in relation to his fertility/ infertility. He ought to know where he stands on that through medical advice, as it's a pretty big issue!^

You seemed very happy to diagnose him as gay, @JinglingHellsBells, based on the square root of fuck all. But now he turns out he has had cancer...

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@Linning If any of what you posted is true, he should own up to it, and seek counselling . We don't know what sort of cancer he had. And IF any of what you suggest is true, anyone in a long term relationship would talk about it. AND even if he can't get an erection (and that's not the case, is it) he could still try to use his hands and mouth to work on the OP to help her orgasm, which he won't.[/quote]
He HAS own up to it.

She knows:

• He has had cancer
• He has had chemo
• He doesn't want a child
• He might be infertile
• He can't ejaculate unless done a specific ways

All those are information she has, she probably knows more stuff too, if she hasn't taken the time to discuss and ask questions about how chemo has affected him and his sexuality and sensitivity, it's on HER.
Maybe the fact that he is infertile and might have side effects from chemo, makes sex a very intimidating/self-conscious experience which increases his inability to ejaculate etc...

But if OP has never asked or inquired it's on her, he might not know much more as to why he is the way he is but it's clear he is transparent about his needs, wishes and what works for him, if she can't do the same, she can't blame him.

I don't think there's much point in 'discussing' things with that one any more, @Linning

Enjoy your prejudices, @JinglingHellsBells. I'll leave you to them.

@JinglingHellsBells

I wouldn't want to find out if I am infertile until I absolutely had to and until it became relevant.

Really?

So if you were in a relationship in your 30s and were dating, you'd keep yourself in ignorance until when? A guy wanted kids with you and then have tests once he was committed?

I call that really selfish.

I would be honest about the fact that I might be infertile but no, I wouldn't want to do more test until we felt we wanted a kid and that became relevant. People need to be honest about their potential ability to conceive if they know but most people don't know they are infertile until they try, so I don't see how being honest about being potentially infertile and warning the person that that's a fair possibility is anymore selfish than the average person not testing their fertility. No? But you seem oddly entitled to people full medical history and seem to be keen to diagnose random folks as gay so you don't seem like the ideal person to date either.

It is possible there is something he isn't sharing with you, whether it is issues (physical or mental) from this cancer treatment or he has an STD he is protecting you from (did you see his check results?), or something else. You need to talk about it.

This doesn't sound to me like a satisfying relationship. I have personally found that PIV sex is nicer and somehow more complete without a condom, but if it's necessary then so be it. But as others have said, that isn't the real issue here. The two of you just aren't compatible.

@thedancingbear

I don't think there's much point in 'discussing' things with that one any more, *@Linning*

Enjoy your prejudices, @JinglingHellsBells. I'll leave you to them.

Yes, now he's likely not gay, he's probably going to be called out on potentially ''faking his cancer'', or on other crazy, harmful and baseless theories. Sigh. What's the next diagnosis doc @JinglingHellsBells?

A lot of the info here doesn't sit right for me.

The cancer may have been many years ago. Too many posters are assuming it was recently.

If men have cancer treatment now- young men especially- everything possible is done to conserve their fertility. They can store sperm, for a start. This is routine.

The same applies to women.

But it's much easier for a man to have his sperm checked than for women to have their fertility assessed( unless they have had their ovaries removed or blasted with radiation.)

There are, for me, too many issues here that don't add up .
If this man thinks he is infertile, and he doesn't want children, he could have the snip. If he is terrified of the OP becoming PG, surely that's more of an incentive?

I still think he has issues that are nothing to do with his cancer treatment, and you can shout at me all you like about jumping to conclusions about his sexuality, but I still hold that something isn't right. At best, he is a selfish git in bed, at worst, he's got issues around his sexual preferences or performance. and needs to find therapy to talk it over.

@Linning you can carry on pasting and quoting but it's not making much sense (your versions).

Also, it's been a year. That's not very long, in the scheme of things. He should just be relaxing into the relationship - so this is pretty much 'who he is'. If you aren't happy (and it's not going to get better, let's not kid ourselves), then cut your losses and leave.

Does it really matter why he can't/won't help you orgasm? The very fact that he doesn't is enough. Unless you want years and years of a very unsatisfying love life, find someone else.

At best, he is a selfish git in bed, at worst, he's got issues around his sexual preferences or performance. and needs to find therapy to talk it over.

So therapy for gays, then?

at least it's not catching i suppose

OP, he says he’s had health issues and he won’t let you touch his penis while he ejaculates. Have you considered that his health issues might not be resolved? Does he have a health issue that might be passed onto you via sexual contact? It’s not a nice thing to think that a partner wouldn’t be honest but do you think it could be a possibility?

Either way you aren’t having a satisfying sex life with him. This is nothing to do with condoms and everything to do with his attitude towards sex. How old are you OP? You said you’d be prepared to get your own tubes tied, but what about if you change your mind subsequently and want DC? One year with a partner that offers you an unsatisfying sex life is not a good basis to make a decision like that.

On the face of it he’s being sensible. He doesn’t want to be a father, and his most reliable way to prevent you from becoming pregnant is to use his own contraception. God knows there are enough women who have to rely on just their own contraception even if pregnancy would be a disaster for them because their menfolk refuse to, so your DP is one of the sensible ones. If he is adamant he wants to use contraception then I’m afraid, regardless of how you feel about it, you have no right to insist he doesn’t. Whether it’s a dealbreaker for you is your own decision but his use of contraception is his own. It doesn’t sound like condoms are really the issue here though so you either try to get to the bottom of what it, try to work with him about it and resolve it to both your satisfaction, or you decide that this relationship is not the best thing for you after all and move on. It’s really that simple I’m afraid. Sorry though, it’s shit to really love someone who is utterly incompatible in the sack.

@MakeItRain

I think if you've both been checked for diseases and you're in a loving, exclusive relationship, then that sounds a bit strange on his part. What would he do of you decided to have children?

Well if they both want children he would have to take it off.

Does he have children want children?
Do you have children?
I don't know your age.
Perhaps he is worried that you might get pregnant 'accidentally'. Sadly my son's 19 year old friend has recently discovered that his girlfriend of 2 years stopped taking the pill - he used to wear a condom and he stopped when she said she would take the pill.... well that didn't work out - if he had continued with the condom and they had done before then likely he wouldn't have an unexpected and not currently welcome baby on the way (massive pressure on young people) - long story but she really has wanted children the whole of the 2 years.

ANyway, sorry about the waffle -

So therapy for gays, then?

Hahahahaha! That's the best one yet from you @thedancingbear.

Do I need spell it out?
Therapy for men who are gay perhaps and won't own up to it and pretend to be straight.

Have you heard of Philip Schofield?

Sorry if this has already been asked but to be so worried about condoms and pregnancy, is there a chance he has had a bad experience before, such as a previous gf getting pregnant or giving him an STI? Does he have health anxiety due to his past health? He seems very anxious.

Ultimately OP, his body his choice. It feels a little off to me to try to convince someone to stop using a contraceptive method they are happy with.

@ResumetonormalASAP I feel for your son. How deceiving of her. I have a son and I worry about this too. I have a friend whose fiance doesn't want children yet and she has told me she may come off the pill without telling him. I told her that is the ultimate betrayal. Didn't realise woman actually do this!
So from examples like this you can see why some men want the extra security of a condom as sadly some women do trick their men into becoming dads. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I am always saying that men should take responsibility for their own fertility, and not rely on women to do it. Double contraception should be foolproof. It's what I would want in a partner.

You can say you'd have an abortion without a second thought, but you could always change your mind and you are and should be able to do that. He's doing the right thing in my opinion.

Could you accept that it's a part of your sex life and try to work with it, rather than resent it? Bring out a vibrator when he pulls out, and do mutual masturbation? Perhaps when you're together longer and he trusts you more he might try new things. But if you really dislike it, maybe it's time for a make or break conversation.

@thedancingbear i had to stop reading all the replies when I came across yours. He is not gay!!!! And it is not funny to say such a thing!

I agree with PP. If he's adamant he doesn't want children and is unlikely able to anyone, sure a vasectomy would be a great option? You remain using the coil too, he could even 'pull out' and let you finish him off (whilst the pullout method is not safe, if he's had a vasectomy then it's no different to finishing inside you anyway).

Seems odd to me, I'd sit and have a serious conversation about how you both feel and discuss your options but if it's just a case of him wanting to use them and that's that, then I think you just have to respect his wishes.

i had to stop reading all the replies when I came across yours. He is not gay!!!! And it is not funny to say such a thing!

I'm agreeing with you completely @Bonehilda. I'm making the point that people who are suggesting he is are crass, offensive and homophobic.

There are some really, twisted, strange posts and replies to the OP on here. Who is getting a sly kicking from the usual mob.

Can everyone who has written "Thank god he is taking responsibility" also say that they have asked every man they have partnered with, to wear a condom, on every single occasion? Really?

Do the people saying "I think he's gay" realise how offensive that is? I'm sure you do as it seems like just another dig at the OP.

I see very little actual advice for the OP.

OP, I'm sorry to hear of this. I can imagine your frustration. There are many people like you who want to experience that intimacy with a partner. They don't want to have to stop during the interaction for an artificial interruption and his "finish".

There are plenty of people, hundreds of thousands, who have agreed (both the man and the woman) to use one form of contraception and rely on it - pill, coil, implant, you name it. There are plenty of posters on here who are deliberately pearl-clutching and/or trying to make someone feel bad. But I think we need a reality check - most couples use one form of contraception. Not two, not belt and braces. One. If that often happens to be the woman taking responsibility, then that is a separate discussion and not the OP's original question.

I think there is potentially a huge psychological issue here with your partner. I think psychology of some sort would be the best support here as this doesn't seem to be solely about the methods of contraception and their reliability.

Am I going to be the first person to suggest “death grip”?

Op I wouldn’t sacrifice your opportunity to have children in the future for a man who has no interest in giving you an orgasm at all, or sharing his own with you. That is not good sex.