Ungrateful Stepchild

momonpurpose · 2020-07-10T00:13:07+00:00

I have 5 DSD and one DD. DSD5 is 13 and so rude. No sn's but refuses to say thank you. I could give years of examples. The worst to me is when my sister on benefits and five children of her own gave dsd5 a birthday gift she pocketed the cash and refused to say thank you. DP and I have gone around on this too many times while yes he agrees with me he does fuck all about it. FWIW this is her behavior with all not just my family. I bought her a few trinkets on a trip we took her mother didn't allow her to go on. No thank you so I took them back. We are going on a trip this weekend. AIBU unreasonable to tell her father he is to pay all expensive for her during said trip. Food trinkets etc.

Original poster

momonpurpose · 10/07/2020 01:14

I'm not sure if I'm being a evil stepmother. I'm not in the UK so forgive my wording please

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Wolfgirrl · 10/07/2020 01:16

He should be paying for her anyway. Why would you? She isnt your child.

I wouldn't do a single thing for her again until she says thank you - no meals, no lifts etc. Her dad can do it until she learns some manners.

ladybirdsarelovely33 · 10/07/2020 01:18

Her dad should definitely be paying for all her expenses. I can see why you have done so as a way of being kind and generous. However at 13, she should have basic manners. Why would you continue to buy stuff for someone who shows no appreciation for you?

NotNowPlzz · 10/07/2020 01:21

Yes you would be unreasonable if you both pay toward the others and your DD. You need to see this as a behaviour issue and not start resenting her. She is a child.

HeddaGarbled · 10/07/2020 01:22

I think this has become a power battle between you. If she said the words now, would you feel like you’d won? Is that what you want, to win? Or would it be better to have a good relationship with her?

Is it just the passing of two words from her lips, or are there more important issues?

Original poster

momonpurpose · 10/07/2020 01:24

Thank You so much for your reply ladybirdsarelovely. Bad manners are the worst. Especially when he holds high standards for our 10 year old and 0 for DSD who at almost 14 knows better.

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Original poster

momonpurpose · 10/07/2020 01:26

No not a power game actually his own family feels the same way. DP is embaresed by her lack of manners but not enough to do anything about it. She's this way with wait staff store staff everyone

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ladybirdsarelovely33 · 10/07/2020 01:30

So it sounds like your DP is feeling guilty about his relationship with your dsd and she is aware of that. He is allowing her to get away with rude behaviour. He is scared of losing the relationship with her in some way. However, I think she doesnt respect him so much either.
He needs to get a grip on his parenting.

Original poster

momonpurpose · 10/07/2020 01:36

I will be the first to say I have a DP problem not a DSD problem. But I still feel I should not spend money on someone who cannot show gratitude. She is a teen not a toddler and even toddlers learn to say thank you. I said to DP you allow her to behave in a way that will make it hard for her to be liked in the real world. He said good that way she'll learn. So as I said it's a DP problem lol

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Lifeisabeach09 · 10/07/2020 01:49

I agree with you. I wouldn't buy trinkets for my DD if she was, continually, impolite about it.
Let her father pay for her.

Original poster

momonpurpose · 10/07/2020 01:53

Thank You Lifesabeach. I treat all the children (two are technically adults non the less) the same. If my own DD refused to say thank you to anyone I guarantee I'd teach her by not allowing her to accept gifts and I'd be not buying her any treats or gifts.

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TehBewilderness · 10/07/2020 02:02

@momonpurpose

I will be the first to say I have a DP problem not a DSD problem. But I still feel I should not spend money on someone who cannot show gratitude. She is a teen not a toddler and even toddlers learn to say thank you. I said to DP you allow her to behave in a way that will make it hard for her to be liked in the real world. He said good that way she'll learn. So as I said it's a DP problem lol

Fine, then don't. Giving someone something and then taking it back because there was no show of gratitude is even worse than not saying thank you when someone gives you something.

steff13 · 10/07/2020 02:11

Are the other stepdaughters also rude, or just her? Do they have the same mother? I don't understand how they let her get away with this.

Original poster

momonpurpose · 10/07/2020 02:20

Not rude at all. The other DSD's two sets of twins are beyond polite and sweet. Different mothers. The sets of twins are from one mother and DSD from another mother

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LadyMinerva · 10/07/2020 02:53

'Not rude at all. The other DSD's two sets of twins are beyond polite and sweet. Different mothers. The sets of twins are from one mother and DSD from another mother'

That's quite telling. Perhaps she is struggling to find where she fits? Teenagers can be incredibly moody to begin with, then add to the mix a parent that lets her get away with it and a few step siblings and you have recipe for disaster.

The twins all have each other. Your DC has both mum and dad together. Perhaps she is feeling left out and not sure where she fits?

Some counselling might help here. But of course you have to get DH on board first...

Original poster

momonpurpose · 10/07/2020 03:13

LadyMinerva you are correct on that. I have to say for the most part everyone gets along great the twins mother her hubby and the 4 they've had. But DSD mother is a different story. She seems to truly enjoy pointing out to her own child that she doesn't fit in. That she's different. She's make sure she's dressed to the 9s but seen DSD to us when younger dirty hair clothes that don't fit. To the point of refusing her daughter to have her her styled for the oldest's wedding. We did over rule that because it was cruel to have all the other sisters done up for the very formal wedding and this child sent like a orphan. We made sure she didn't miss out on the fun experience of going with all her sisters to have their hair done

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Mothership4two · 10/07/2020 03:36

After your update, I would ignore it, be nice to her and lead by example. At 13 she must know that her 'ungrateful' behaviour is at odds with the rest of your household. If you (or her father) make an issue out of it, it will be yet another way she doesn't fit in and may later turn in to a power struggle (which may explain dh's reluctance). With a mother like that, she needs love and understanding

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/07/2020 03:43

It sounds as if your DSD thinks she has nothing to be grateful for. Her mother is bringing her up to feel like the black sheep and giving her this entitled, grabby attitude. Very complex.

I think lots of killing your with kindness will work best. She has had lots of punishing behaviours from her mother. So I wouldn’t continue those in your home, no. In fact I would apologise to her for having taken the gifts back because you made a judgment about her. Poor girl. It sounds as if she feels judged a lot.

The way you’re being and the attitude you have right now is absolutely feeding into her feelings of not belonging. Please don’t treat her differently. If anything, let her know it’s ok she struggles with gratitude. You love her anyway. Model good behaviour. And get her father on board with some decent boundaries.

Definitely yes to some counselling. Possible a child psychologist working with her in your family. Just your dh, you and her. Your 10 yo can spend some time with the twins perhaps when this goes on?

Lalala205 · 10/07/2020 04:02

It's difficult as good manners are free to learn and will sustain her well going through life. However, if her mum is pushing her own negative views and mindset on to her DD then that can be very hard for a child to disengage from without 'being disloyal to her mum'. Teenage years are really hard! And if she's feeling pulled in two directions it can be especially hard to see outside her own perspective as a child (which is what she is). I'd keep promoting the good manners and get her dad on board for a united front. But I'd also not deny/withold/take back presents given, if thank you's aren't forthcoming. She'll probably just view it as being excluded for not being a part of your family vs a consequence of not being grateful... Teenage rational is often very different to an adults way of viewing the world!

GlummyMcGlummerson · 10/07/2020 04:31

This is why I could never become a stepmum. You get all the shitty attitudes but no real power of discipline. Even calling her out on it could put you in the evil stepmother category - you have my sympathies!

Definitely don't fork out for anything more for her. No more special days out, if she isn't even saying a simple thank you she doesn't deserve them. If your DH wants to then let him - she may even appreciate some alone father daughter time.

Original poster

momonpurpose · 10/07/2020 04:35

Thank You Glummy! I know people think it's a teenage thing but it's gone on since she was four. At some point enough is enough and it's hard for my daughter when her father pulls her up on a minor thing but let's her sister be so rude

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Josette77 · 10/07/2020 05:55

It sounds like she's had a lot of instability in her life. Her dad had left her mum and had another child with a new woman by the time she was 4. She wasn't raised with her other sisters either because they were with their mum. Her dad has had 6 kids with three different moms and she's the only one who doesn't have a full time sibling. You acknowledge her mum treats her badly. I'm not sure she has a ton to be grateful for in her situation.

allthedamnvampires · 10/07/2020 06:56

@Josette77

It sounds like she's had a lot of instability in her life. Her dad had left her mum and had another child with a new woman by the time she was 4. She wasn't raised with her other sisters either because they were with their mum. Her dad has had 6 kids with three different moms and she's the only one who doesn't have a full time sibling. You acknowledge her mum treats her badly. I'm not sure she has a ton to be grateful for in her situation.

This. Just try loving her. This is how you could really make a difference.

And I disagree that manners are everything. Why do you think that?

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 10/07/2020 07:00

I bought her a few trinkets on a trip we took her mother didn't allow her to go on. No thank you so I took them back.

That's horrible of you. Her mum wouldn't let her go, you come back from it and you punish her for not being grateful that you brought some stuff back from a holiday she wasn't allowed to go on? How did she feel being left behind do you think?

dontdisturbmenow · 10/07/2020 07:35

Has anyone ever asked her why she never says thank you?