Ungrateful Stepchild

[momonpurpose]

I have 5 DSD and one DD. DSD5 is 13 and so rude. No sn's but refuses to say thank you. I could give years of examples. The worst to me is when my sister on benefits and five children of her own gave dsd5 a birthday gift she pocketed the cash and refused to say thank you. DP and I have gone around on this too many times while yes he agrees with me he does fuck all about it. FWIW this is her behavior with all not just my family. I bought her a few trinkets on a trip we took her mother didn't allow her to go on. No thank you so I took them back. We are going on a trip this weekend. AIBU unreasonable to tell her father he is to pay all expensive for her during said trip. Food trinkets etc.

If you treat all the children the same OP, then why don't you pull her up on her bad manners? You can't have that good a relationship if you feel unable to do this after knowing her for most of her life. Just give her a reminder every time she forgets her Ps and Qs. Far kinder than taking things you've gifted her back off her.

She needs kindness not contempt.

@ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal

I bought her a few trinkets on a trip we took her mother didn't allow her to go on. No thank you so I took them back.

That's horrible of you. Her mum wouldn't let her go, you come back from it and you punish her for not being grateful that you brought some stuff back from a holiday she wasn't allowed to go on? How did she feel being left behind do you think?

I agree.

Her mum is cruel to her- there is probably loads you don't know.
That poor child.

Just stop making a big deal. Say thank you on her behalf. Lead by example.

And stop taking things back, that's appalling.

I like the way you’ve ignored the posts saying to be kind to this girl op. She sounds terribly unhappy and not without reason. 🙄

You are an adult. She is a child. I do not your position of course. But you cannot compare apples and pears.

If you didn’t want issues you should not have had children with a man, who already had children with 2 different mums.

I do not *envy

Sounds like a lot of bitterness towards dsd’s mum too, and children will pick up on this. Sounds like poor lazy parenting on both sides.

@Josette77

It sounds like she's had a lot of instability in her life. Her dad had left her mum and had another child with a new woman by the time she was 4. She wasn't raised with her other sisters either because they were with their mum. Her dad has had 6 kids with three different moms and she's the only one who doesn't have a full time sibling. You acknowledge her mum treats her badly. I'm not sure she has a ton to be grateful for in her situation.

I agree with this. I am big on manners, but punishing her to force a thank you out of her for a silly trinket feels unkind and petty, a warm/jokey thank you reminder and move on is all that is needed for it to sink in eventually.

You need to think of the bigger picture, she is a teenager growing up in very difficult circumstances, and give her a break.

Gosh, she sounds justifiably miserable. Does she ever get 121 time with her Dad? No doubt your dd loves being the baby of this pack of sisters but it sounds like this one has no place and is the odd one out. That's tough. It's sad that she had felt this way since 4.

Bad manners really grate on me too op. Dh and my then 14yo dsd had an argument about her not saying thank you for a gift we had bought her. It resulted in her going NC. She's still nc after 9 years.

Tread carefully is all I can say. If dh had his time again he'd have been a Disney dad and never pulled his kids up on their behaviour rather than endure the pain of a nc child.

We still enjoy a brilliant relationship with my other adult dsd, who I have known for most of her life. Raised exactly the same way and very close to all of us, especially her two young siblings. Not saying that the argument is what sent dsd1 nc, but I definitely think that a long standing fundamental disagreement with the parent she spent most time with regarding upbringing ended up manifesting itself in a relationship with dh that only needed a small fuse to be lit in order to destroy.

Hard for me to say, but I think you should overlook her ingratitude and rise above it by modeling better behaviour instead.

@momonpurpose

I will be the first to say I have a DP problem not a DSD problem. But I still feel I should not spend money on someone who cannot show gratitude. She is a teen not a toddler and even toddlers learn to say thank you. I said to DP you allow her to behave in a way that will make it hard for her to be liked in the real world. He said good that way she'll learn. So as I said it's a DP problem lol

No she will be liked but by a bad bunch of people. Only way to learn is if he also tells her it’s not on.

Let me make sure that I understand this... Her mother didn't let her go on holiday with her 5 step sisters and one of her 2 step mothers, so you bought her a gift which you then took back for her not being grateful? Poor girl.

Your post should be about your husband, not about a child that it sounds like you've disliked since she was 4.

I think lots of killing your with kindness will work best.

This. Model to her warm, polite relationships and show her that contrary to her entire life's experience that she too is worthy of love and respect.

I too am curious if anyone has ever asked her why she doesn't say 'thank you'.

Spend money on her or don't. It won't affect anything other than your bank balance.

I think whoever said she doesn’t feel like she has anything to be grateful for has hit the nail on the head. Of course you know differently but you’re an adult. Children’s minds work differently.

In her mind she’s being forced to scrape and bow and show gratitude for the things everyone else in the family gets as standard- holidays, presents, time with family. She must feel like if you (or anyone else) really loved her, you wouldn’t need thanking for these things, you’d want her to have them. Again, not saying she’s right, but look at it from her perspective. She’s trying to communicate something to you. Yes, it’s rude, but making a big deal about it isn’t great manners either. I can’t bear it when people jump up and down about a tiny lapse in manners or hold others to their own (often unexpressed) standard of behaviour. A clear, totally unemotional “it’s nice to say thank you when someone gives you a gift” - actually maybe better said when you’re not in the situation or even looking at her to take away the feeling she’s being shamed - dropped in now and then would be best. Do not make a big things about it. Teenagers can be so stubborn even when they know they’re doing the wrong thing and it’s easy for her to back herself into a corner she feels she can’t get out of.

Find a reason to reward your child with money today.
Give them a purse with the cash to spend on holiday.
Then tell your DH that he can treat both children this weekend.
This way you can stay out of it, knowing your child has money.
If your DH treats you can tell him it has to be equal.

I get it op. My children sometimes forget their manors and a quick Don’t forget say thank you to X is normally all that’s required. If they still didn’t say it they would lose Xbox time Or something as a consequence for being rude. It’s not exactly hard to say thank you and if even after a prompt they won’t then it’s just pure rudeness.

If your not thankful for gifts then no more gifts since you clearly don’t need/want/like them 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel sad for this little girl too. She has to share her dad across three different families and it sounds like her mum struggles with that too which isn't her fault.

She's probably unhappy. Please get her some support.

Sounds like she is struggling to fit in. She is siblings to all but doesnt really have a unit to fit into. Sounds like her mother isnt very nice so she probably sees the twins and your family as nice units and she has her horrible unit with her mum.
By being ungrateful that's the only thing she controls or gets to have her way. Sounds like she is troubled. Has dp sat down and spoken to her about her feelings and anything upsetting her?

You put so much emphasis on the 'bad manners', the kids probably thought it was pretty 'bad manners' for her parents not to stay together, give the kid a break

@Michaelbaubles nails it for me:

In her mind she’s being forced to scrape and bow and show gratitude for the things everyone else in the family gets as standard- holidays, presents, time with family. She must feel like if you (or anyone else) really loved her, you wouldn’t need thanking for these things, you’d want her to have them. Again, not saying she’s right, but look at it from her perspective. She’s trying to communicate something to you. Yes, it’s rude, but making a big deal about it isn’t great manners either. I can’t bear it when people jump up and down about a tiny lapse in manners or hold others to their own (often unexpressed) standard of behaviour. A clear, totally unemotional “it’s nice to say thank you when someone gives you a gift” - actually maybe better said when you’re not in the situation or even looking at her to take away the feeling she’s being shamed - dropped in now and then would be best. Do not make a big things about it. Teenagers can be so stubborn even when they know they’re doing the wrong thing and it’s easy for her to back herself into a corner she feels she can’t get out of.

^ I agree, it’s hard to be grateful for ‘trinkets’ from a trip you weren’t allowed to go on. So I’d forgive that but you’ve said this has been going on since she was 4.
So, sounds like DH needs to put boundaries in place for behaviour - equal for all the children and maybe some kind of talk / counselling for just the 2 of them to see what or how things can change. Maybe an independent voice would help if her mother is saying bad things about her dad and all the other children.

I had an aunt who insisted on me making a big deal of thanking her for gifts to the point where I’d rather not have had the gifts. I know it sounds odd but I found thanking her embarrassing. I can still feel my toes curling now and she died 30 years ago. It felt as though she only gave me anything for the sake of performance gratitude. I’m not suggesting you’re doing the his, OP, but I wonder if your DSD has some kind of mental block on this?

Oh come off it are you all saying a 13 year old is too young/emotionally immature to say thank you?

For those psychoanalysing it, she didnt even thank OP's sister (who probably hardly knows her) for birthday money.

Sometimes things are as simple as a child is rude, and needs pulling up on it.

And yes I was a stepchild. Hated SM but always remembered my manners if she did something for me, and I certainly would never have been rude to her famiy, who were lovely.

That is a great idea a purse of money I really like the idea of trying that thank you. And to people asking if I dislike her that is not true. I have always treated her the same as my own. I have removed things from my own daughter as well. I have made DSD birthday parties cared for her when she's sick or hurt no different from my own. She's been asked many times by many family members why she won't say thank you. Her answer to all is I don't have too. And yes I would love to get along with her mother. That would only make things so so much better for her daughter. But she doesn't want to and I don't see how I can force her to even be cordial

Thank You wolfgirl. Believe me if the shoe was on the other foot I would be sorting my daughter out quickly I would not allow it and she knows it.