Ungrateful Stepchild

[momonpurpose]

I have 5 DSD and one DD. DSD5 is 13 and so rude. No sn's but refuses to say thank you. I could give years of examples. The worst to me is when my sister on benefits and five children of her own gave dsd5 a birthday gift she pocketed the cash and refused to say thank you. DP and I have gone around on this too many times while yes he agrees with me he does fuck all about it. FWIW this is her behavior with all not just my family. I bought her a few trinkets on a trip we took her mother didn't allow her to go on. No thank you so I took them back. We are going on a trip this weekend. AIBU unreasonable to tell her father he is to pay all expensive for her during said trip. Food trinkets etc.

[Alsohuman]

@Josette77

It sounds like she's had a lot of instability in her life. Her dad had left her mum and had another child with a new woman by the time she was 4. She wasn't raised with her other sisters either because they were with their mum. Her dad has had 6 kids with three different moms and she's the only one who doesn't have a full time sibling. You acknowledge her mum treats her badly. I'm not sure she has a ton to be grateful for in her situation.

Blimey, her life’s been pretty shit, hasn’t it? From the day she was born she’s had to share her dad’s attention with four half siblings - and two sets of twins with their very close relationships at that. Then, when she was very small her dad left, established another relationship and yet another half sibling was added into the mix. Frankly, that’s enough to screw up any kid.

[StepCatsmother]

Threads like this make me despair.

I can see the OP may not have handled things well with her SD but the ultimate responsibility for SDs behaviour/feelings lies with the parents. OP needs to be putting this firmly back with her husband to address. And it needs to be addressed, for the good of SD and as it seems it is now impacting on OP's own child.

Stepparents spend most of their time being reminded they are 'not mum' or 'not dad' so how they end up with a list of things that are apparently their responsibility to address, while a lot (not all) of posters completely ignore the failings of the parents, baffles me.

[D4rwin]

I'd focus on praising the positive behaviour. It sounds like she wants all this negative drama you're coming out with (taking gifts off her). Whilst you're rewarding her drama with attention she's probably winning in her mind.

[londonscalling]

Whilst she may have issues, she will have even more when she's older when she has no friends etc because she's rude. Your husband needs to get a grip of the situation. If she's rude or ungrateful she don't get treats or gifts. Simple!

[funinthesun19]

I feel sad for this little girl too.

Ugh, she’s 13. She’s not little. Would most teenage girls like being called a little girl? I might be coming across as pedantic here, but it’s so cringey when people call teenagers little in order to make it more emotional.

[SpilltheTea]

She's probably rude because it sounds quite shit to have so many half siblings, a half arsed mother and to be the only one who doesn't seem to fit into however many family units she has. Yes, she should say 'thank you', but I'd like to think there's a reason for her behaviour instead of simply being a rude child. She might be very unhappy.

[CopperBeeches]

Poor child - and having to be grateful for stuff in order to be entitled to it - as evidenced by the constant reminding and the taking of it back... awful!
Manners are important of course but they are an expression of how you feel. Would you go to a dinner party and take back your gifts flowers and wine if the host wasn't grateful enough?? It is very poor manners to take a gift back because the recipient wasn't thankful enough. I doubt you would do it to your own child.

(And I hope she grows up not having to grovel and be grateful for every crumb a "friend" throws her). Thank you in this case is just a word.

[Runnerduck34]

What michaelbaubles said!
I wouldn't make a big deal if it, she may not feel fully part of the family and feel she has to express gratitude for everything, teenage years are really hard and if the worst behaviour is not saying thank you then you too have a lot to be thankful for! Just demonstrate kindness and understanding yourself to be best role model you can

[Macncheeseballs]

Funinthesun, she may be 13 but it is the child on her acting out

[Michaelbaubles]

Macandcheese, I agree, in this situation she is very much a child - firmly in the child “role” if nothing else - and it is the child inside who is hurt and feels left out and got at. It doesn’t mean she’ll grow up to be a spoilt rude adult - except she might be in this family situation as she has been well and truly put into the box of “spoilt stepchild” and it will be an immense loss of face for her to break out of that box if it is constantly brought up and referred to. Part of her will feel like giving in and doing everything she’s asked is backing down and that might be threatening as for whatever reason she’s using this behaviour as a boundary between her and the rest of the family.

Can you manufacture situations where you are thanking her for things? Natural situations like if she helps out with a chore - no matter how small, no matter if you think she should be doing it anyway, no matter if you don’t get thanked yourself for doing it - she puts a crisp wrapper in the bin - “thanks for helping tidy up”. Takes a glass into the kitchen. Makes her bed. Little, off the cuff words of thanks so she can experience feeling good about being thanked and begin to realise it’s a low-stakes thing to do, not a massive issue.

[Techway]

Op, it sounds like she is very troubled and her life will be more difficult as a result.

I am not sure what you can do as assume you didn't spend much time with her however I agree with others who say you have to treat her with kindness so she learns to model better behaviour. It sounds as if her homelife is uncaring and she isn't being nurtured.

When she is older she maybe able to articulate why she behaves as she does and if you are the one person that has always modelled kindness you will feel better about your impact.

I speak from experience as had a very difficult step daughter who I now realise was extremely damaged emotionally despite outwardly materially indulged. She has developed toxic skills in adulthood but at least I know I was some what of a positive influence.



How are her friendship groups?

[Wolfgirrl]

There is WAY too much psychoanalysis on MN and literally not enough counsellors in the world for the number of times it is recommended.

Her mum sounds spiteful. But look at the other benefits - she has 4 sisters, her dad obviously loves her and is involved in her life, she is fed/clothed/has a roof over her head, OP sounds fine as a stepmum. It is hardly a Childline job is it unless there is something OP isnt telling us. Not every child will be part of a perfect nuclear family, and even when they are, abuse can still happen. Think of all the kids that grow up in third world countries, it puts things in perspective.

She is 13. Apparently she has been refusing to say thank you for years, and not just to stepmum as a punishment, but also to staff in shops etc. It is just rudeness that she has never been pulled up on. I mean how hard is it to say 2 words.

[flooredbored]

It sounds like the not saying 'thank you' has become a 'thing'. I would stop going on about it and tell extended family to do the same. Some people (myself included) are incredibly stubborn. At some point in her own time, she may surprise you.

[Techway]

Not every child will be part of a perfect nuclear family

Agreed but there is "good enough parenting" and I doubt she has had that standard. Her mum is spiteful and her isn't prepared to coach/discipline.

Happy children don't act like this, she doesn't feel grateful for material stuff and I suspect she craves proper attention.

I thought we had moved away from the Victorian child rearing which is "you're clothed and fed" what more do you want?

[CoRhona]

I wouldn't do a single thing for her again until she says thank you - no meals, no lifts etc.

^^ this

[Alsohuman]

I thought we had moved away from the Victorian child rearing which is "you're clothed and fed" what more do you want?

Completely agree. She’s had a pretty shitty little life as far as I can see. Neither of her parents have covered themselves with glory. Why do these men have to have children with every woman they get with?

[Destroyedpeople]

So this girls dad has children by three different women....
And she doesn't get to go on holiday with but gets a 'trinket' which gets taken back when she is not grateful enough?

[monkeymonkey2010]

It never ceases to amaze me, how people can acknowledge it's a 'DP problem' but then refuse to take any action regards their DP!

He's a lazy and irresponsible parent who has decided to offload his parental responsibilities onto you - including financial....you've been manipulated into a situation of HIS making, so anytime you assert your boundaries it's YOU who is made to look 'mean'!!!!!

Are you going to hold your DP responsible OP?

[monkeymonkey2010]

Having a shit life is no excuse for DELIBERATE bad manners!

[Destroyedpeople]

'Deliberate bad manners ' oh shock horror!!!

What's the dad's excuse for his lack of commitment and sexual incontinence?

[Alsohuman]

@monkeymonkey2010

Having a shit life is no excuse for DELIBERATE bad manners!

It’s a perfectly reasonable excuse for a lot worse than bad manners.

[Michaelbaubles]

Remember that children have an extremely limited amount of ways to communicate their feelings, especially if they don’t even really understand how they feel at all. And even more limited when their feelings are clearly at odds with the rest of the family. The refusal to do something everyone is doing is one way to communicate.

Think how bloody hard it is as a grown adult to look someone in the face and say “I’m not happy with this situation”. Think of the myriad petty and silly ways you try to communicate this through your behaviour. And that’s as a grown up with agency and the emotional vocabulary to describe how you feel. Is it any wonder that a child might choose this as her hill to die on to show you that she’s annoyed and left out and unhappy?

[NotNowPlzz]

Jeez I actually despair reading your updates. She sounds extremely unhappy and borderline neglected by her mother. And you're focusing on a 'thank you'?

[AllsortsofAwkward]

I think you're dh needs to stop having dc. 3 different mothers and 5 other siblings to compete with. Its hard for kids being in a large family never mind when they are split between 3 didn't household and not having a full sibling. No wonder she feels lost and her mother won't help.

[AllsortsofAwkward]

I never get people that have to children together when there's existing children in the mix to consider it seems unfair to those children