Ungrateful Stepchild

[momonpurpose]

I have 5 DSD and one DD. DSD5 is 13 and so rude. No sn's but refuses to say thank you. I could give years of examples. The worst to me is when my sister on benefits and five children of her own gave dsd5 a birthday gift she pocketed the cash and refused to say thank you. DP and I have gone around on this too many times while yes he agrees with me he does fuck all about it. FWIW this is her behavior with all not just my family. I bought her a few trinkets on a trip we took her mother didn't allow her to go on. No thank you so I took them back. We are going on a trip this weekend. AIBU unreasonable to tell her father he is to pay all expensive for her during said trip. Food trinkets etc.

[SandyY2K]

But DSD mother is a different story. She seems to truly enjoy pointing out to her own child that she doesn't fit in. That she's different

This is a form of child abuse and must have an impact on how your SD behaves. Very cruel.

She's make sure she's dressed to the 9s but sent DSD to us when younger dirty hair clothes that don't fit. To the point of refusing her daughter to have her her styled for the oldest's wedding

She probably feels so rejected, she doesn't know how to behave when people are nice to her.

Saying thank you is something you learn from a young age if you have half decent parents... it's a natural thing. Very basic manners... so she was failed from a young age.

I would be telling her that she does have to say thank you if she wants to keep getting things, or she won't get them.

Does she thank you to so assistants? Or if a waiter/waitress brings her a meal?

[Griefmonster]

I was on a previous thread about unpopular parenting opinions (or something) but if I didn't mention it there, I will here - "manners" are vastly over rated. I learned my lesson with my eldest that her refusal to say "thank you" (at the right time, tone, volume and level of enthusiasm to appease other people's needs) was nothing to do with a lack of gratitude on her part. If she displays ingratitude in every way then that's one thing to tackle but missing a "thank you" is not a hill I'm willing to kill a relationship on...

[momonpurpose]

No she will not thank anyone. She also does not thank anyone anywhere. It's very embarrassing in shops or eating out salons,school.All sides of her family. It's not just me. She has had a shit life yes very true. Someone made a remark that basically she she's my daughter being the baby of the family like she is some pampered princess. My daughter my daughter spent the ladst year watching her beyond beloved grandfather ravaged by dementia. Going from her best friend in the world to an angry man lashing out until he passed away 3 weeks ago on father's day. And you know that wouldn't give her a pass to be rude. I don't treat DSD different then I'd do my own.

[Destroyedpeople]

But your dd's experience and your sd's experience aren't really comparable. I mean that must have been nasty for yor dd of course.
But comparing it to having a dad who has left you and had five kids with two other women by the time you are 12 isn't really in the same ball park as losing a grandparent sorry.

[dizzyprincess]

I feel sorry for her too.

Too many half siblings and her parents split and her dad had another family when she was 3.

No wonder she is feeling displaced. She needed some solid foundations and parents who placed her as a higher priority.

I would try a little more humour and kindness with her.

[Destroyedpeople]

Also you said that you 'treated her the same' as your 'real' children.
Honestly?
Have you ever left them out of a family holiday , brought them back a 'trinket' and then taken it off them when they weren't suitably grateful?
I am sure you did not personally plan to leave her out but still...

[GarlicMcAtackney]

Poor kid is probably messed up by her father constantly behaving like an out of control fire hose, just impregnating women left, right and centre, ‘blending’ new women he’s impregnated into her life, then oops, onto the next woman. More offspring. And repeat. No one should be ‘grateful’ to their parent for forcing them into existence, and providing anything. It’s what they opted in to when having unprotected sex.
Try to stay out of it, your husband should be parenting all these people he has bred, none of them owe him anything, certainly not gratitude.

[GarlicMcAtackney]

• boyfriend, not husband.

[WaterOffADucksCrack]

It's very difficult when you don't know what's being said at her mum's. We have majority care of my partner's son (she suggested it and dp happily agreed, he was over the moon). He's just 4 (they split before the birth as he was conceived the first time they slept together) and up until a few months ago we got along so well. Then out of the blue he acts up, kicks my belly when he knew there was a baby in there, tried to hit the baby, ignores me and tells me he wants me to be sad/wants me to die! DP asked why he felt this way and the answer was "mummy told me to be nasty and she wants WaterOffADucksCrack to die and (dds name) to die".

So any good behaviour I praise so much. Any bad behaviour I ignore and aak dp to deal with as he sees fit.

[WaterOffADucksCrack]

Have only read the op so please don't jump on me now!

[momonpurpose]

Wateroffaducksbath oh no that's terrible I'm so sorry you ate going thru that even harder while pregnant. I wish you the best and hope the situation calms down

[Destroyedpeople]

So hang on....what time scale are we talking?
If she is 13 and your dd that you have with Mr .incontinence is 10.... where do two sets if twins from a different mother fit in exactly?

[Alsohuman]

@Destroyedpeople

So hang on....what time scale are we talking?
If she is 13 and your dd that you have with Mr .incontinence is 10.... where do two sets if twins from a different mother fit in exactly?

They’re the eldest as far as I can see. It seems to go:

Mum 1 - two sets of twins
Mum 2 - ungrateful daughter
OP - perfect daughter

[Hanab]

Having a crap life is no excuse for rudeness 🤷🏻‍♀️
To the above poster OP did say if the youngest is rude in anyway the father calls her out on it but lets it slide for the young teen..
should he not be doing it for her aswell?
Allowing her just to carry on is not doing her any favours. If she learns manners she will only gain more from others ( not her mum who sounds toxic)

[Destroyedpeople]

Ok got it.....
He does sound a catch....
Tbh I would be on the side of the rude daughter here but she does need telling as well....
'Please' and 'thank you' are pretty basic..

[Cornettoninja]

My two pence worth is that your dsd has some (Seemingly obvious) issues that require a lot of unconditional help and support to conquer and it does have to be unconditional because there’s no easy quick fix to change how someone has lived for most of their lives.

To me it sounds like the more she’s picked up on something the more defiant she becomes whether through embarrassment, a sense of entitlement or just plain not knowing how to deal with a situation and not wanting to dent her pride or ‘lose’. It would be great to just correct her and that be the end of it but if you want to actually achieve something it clearly needs approaching in a different way that doesn’t just further entrench her views. That’s up to her dad primarily but if you want to be involved then your role is to guide them both. I have to say I think both of her parents are failing her badly, to say that it’s fine for her to go out into the world and struggle so she’ll learn is awful, its is her fathers job to teach her how to succeed at the basics so she can build on that. You want to watch how he’s parenting your dc if that’s his attitude.

One last thing I would note is that I think you need to consider seriously whether you actually do treat all the kids the same. I think what you mean is you hold them all to the same standard but of course you treat them differently, they’re different people each with a slightly different personal relationship with you! That’s not good or bad but your approach won’t be a one size fits all success. I’m not suggesting you need to lower your standards for one child but your expectations and approach might need recalibrating depending on what you want to achieve and might not look uniform from the outside.

[SmileEachDay]

Having a shit life is no excuse for DELIBERATE bad manners!

I see. What do you think deliberate (or completely habitual) good manners demonstrate about a person and their life?

[Somethingkindaoooo]

Gah!!

Why wouldn't you treat your step daughter differently? She has different needs.

Emotional issues DO manifest in different ways.
Just, be kind to your step daughter. Model good behaviour. Stop expecting her to behave like your daughter, who has had a more stable start to life.

Sheesh

[whattimeisitrightnow]

I do agree that her life has been extremely unstable. She must feel so left out and alone. It's easy to judge her mother for not dressing her properly, emotionally abusing her etc. but has your DP ever fought for primary custody as he doesn't feel her current living arrangements are suitable? Why has he had so many children with several different people?
Can't remember who said it upthread but I agree that her lack of gratitude is because she feels she deserves these things and everyone should be happy to give them to her, because she feels so unloved and out of place. It's like she's 'owed' those things as the world has given her very little else. She doesn't have emotional stability in her life, so she damn well deserves material stuff. That's likely to be her mindset.

[whattimeisitrightnow]

And yes, your daughter losing her grandfather is extremely sad, but it's a different situation. Your daughter has both parents together and a stable upbringing - those things will help her to cope with difficulties. DSD5's life has always been all over the place.
I suggest your Dp tries to spend more one-to-one time with her and make it clear to her that she is loved and cherished. He needs to actively address his ex's comments and tell his daughter that they aren't true.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

DP is embaresed by her lack of manners but not enough to do anything about it. She's this way with wait staff store staff everyone

Unfortunately your DP's really not doing her any favours. No doubt she "needs kindness", but so do plenty of others and she's not the only person in the world - something that, at 13, she's more than old enough to realise

Nobody needs to be unpleasant; hopefully just a quiet "it's nice to say thank you" whenever she doesn't might help?

[WaterOffADucksCrack]

momonpurpose Thank you. Dd is 10 months now but I have terrible anxiety about people hurting her, I have counselling for my anxiety but I feel it when pretty much anyone gets near her! Dss has hurt her a couple of times when she was younger when I've gone to the toilet and I put her in her cot...I take her with me now. If I say no to something like sweets before tea he'll try to get to her (I have to ensure I've picked her up) then he'll either kick me or he'll force himself to cry. If I'm sat down though he'll try and scream really loudly in my ear, one time it was ringing for 2 weeks after.

His dad took him to the GP to discuss it all because he was hurting younger children at nursery. DP also walked in on DSS poking himself in the eye and DSS (not knowing his dad had seen) said DS (my son) did it when DS was in a different room. It has got a lot better over the past few weeks so we're still really praising positive things. We treat them all equally (obviously do different things for DD because she's a baby) and keep things consistent as children need consisteny.

So hopefully things will improve for you too! It's difficult because stepmums do everything a mother does (in my case more due to having majority care and following the GP visit social services are involved with his mum as the screaming and shouting is so normal in her house and there were queries of her slapping his bum and legs) but we can't do anything right in some people's eyes!

[momonpurpose]

Alsohuman at no point did I ever say my daughter is perfect she's a child. Being polite does no where near mean she's perfect.