Trigger re MC and termination: AIBU to think the 'not telling people you're pregnant until after 3 month scan' custom is detrimental to pregnant women?

[VeniceQueen2004]

I am currently pregnant and keeping it quiet until the 12 week scan is OK. I did the same thing with my first child. I know it is very much 'the done thing'. But this pregnancy, I'm actually quite irritated by it and thinking I might say bollocks to it.

Now I know this is completely individual choice, and by no means am I saying everyone 'should' do the opposite any more than they 'should' keep it quiet. So could I please not get a bunch of posts commenting that I can tell whoever I want and just go ahead and do it!

I'm asking more re the principle - I feel the cultural trend is very much in one direction, and I think in a lot of ways even the basic premise of why that is the case is a bit harmful to women!

So firstly, the idea (I presume) is that in case of miscarriage/issues on the first scan that might lead to the decision to terminate, is that you don't get people all excited 'for nothing'. Or so you don't have to deal with other people's reactions to your early pregnancy loss if it happens.

But... miscarriage/termination can be a huge deal, especially of a wanted pregnancy. Many women (and their partners) would desperately want support and sympathy from their families and wider support networks through this process. The idea seems to imply that MC or termination for medical reasons should be a dirty secret the woman has to bear herself, not bother others with, to me.

Tangentially, I had a really easy first pregnancy - this one, the first trimester is KILLING me. I'm so so tired. I have had days I just want to curl up and sleep. I feel nauseous all day. Basically I'm ill! But I can't tell anyone this or they'll need to know why. I can't take leave from work which doesn't count against the leave policy as pregnancy related, which I could if I told them about it. So I have to soldier on, yawn through meetings with my friends, try not to whinge too much except to my partner (who can't really understand, not having gone through it). I want my mum village! I can't imagine I'm the only one who thinks support is most needed in the 1st tri, when you're not 'supposed' to ask for it.

I'd also be interested to know internationally (global village that we are here!) if this is more of a UK thing, or of round the world women are inclined/encouraged not to reveal pregnancy until the second trimester?

@bee222 I am very quietly and softly sending you love x

Yes I agree. If you were to have a miscarriage you'd need support and no one would know. Similarly morning sickness.

Keeping things secret creates shame.

I told everyone for this reason. Except on the pregnancy where I didn't realise until ten weeks.

I didn't tell anyone until 21 weeks when I started showing and someone asked me. I had an amniocentesis and was waiting for the result. I think the 12 week thing dates back to no pregnancy tests and no scans. The doctor wouldn't consider you pregnant until you had missed two periods and no scans meant that you could be certain of a viable pregnancy until 12 weeks.

I'm totally with you on this one OP, I hate that it's the done thing to wait until after 12 weeks.

I do think that women need support if they MC, and also need understanding from work and friends etc about how tired and awful they can feel in the first trimester.

Of course if people prefer to keep things private then they can, but I dislike the way that women are given a strong message that they really shouldn't tell anyone until after 12 weeks, and that they're made to feel in the wrong if they do tell people before this.

I had two MCs and felt it was taboo somehow to tell people, now I'm much older I wish I'd just told people what I was going through.

Just to clarify I'm not talking some big social media splash - God. I mean so far I've told no-one - me and my partner and the booking in midwife and that's it. I want to tell my mum friends so I can moan about 1st tri woes to someone who (a) understands and (b) gives a shit. I want to tell my daughter's grandparents so I can palm her off on them guiltlessly on the weekend so I can sleep all bloody day. I don't want a load of attention from randoms - I want to activate my support network which is bloody wonderful but right now feel like I'm "not supposed to".

@Brods I'm so sorry for what you've gone through ❤️

I want to activate my support network which is bloody wonderful but right now feel like I'm "not supposed to"

I say ignore that feeling. Tell whoever you want and join us in the revolution to make enforced 12 secrecy a thing of the past!

Again, before I get anyone having a go, nobody should feel forced to tell anyone before they are ready. But nobody should feel forced to be silent either. This feeling you "shouldn't" when you really want to is damaging.

@DappledThings you're quite right. I think I will, if only because the tiredness and nausea are bloody killing me and I need a good hard whinge 😆