Trigger re MC and termination: AIBU to think the 'not telling people you're pregnant until after 3 month scan' custom is detrimental to pregnant women?

[VeniceQueen2004]

I am currently pregnant and keeping it quiet until the 12 week scan is OK. I did the same thing with my first child. I know it is very much 'the done thing'. But this pregnancy, I'm actually quite irritated by it and thinking I might say bollocks to it.

Now I know this is completely individual choice, and by no means am I saying everyone 'should' do the opposite any more than they 'should' keep it quiet. So could I please not get a bunch of posts commenting that I can tell whoever I want and just go ahead and do it!

I'm asking more re the principle - I feel the cultural trend is very much in one direction, and I think in a lot of ways even the basic premise of why that is the case is a bit harmful to women!

So firstly, the idea (I presume) is that in case of miscarriage/issues on the first scan that might lead to the decision to terminate, is that you don't get people all excited 'for nothing'. Or so you don't have to deal with other people's reactions to your early pregnancy loss if it happens.

But... miscarriage/termination can be a huge deal, especially of a wanted pregnancy. Many women (and their partners) would desperately want support and sympathy from their families and wider support networks through this process. The idea seems to imply that MC or termination for medical reasons should be a dirty secret the woman has to bear herself, not bother others with, to me.

Tangentially, I had a really easy first pregnancy - this one, the first trimester is KILLING me. I'm so so tired. I have had days I just want to curl up and sleep. I feel nauseous all day. Basically I'm ill! But I can't tell anyone this or they'll need to know why. I can't take leave from work which doesn't count against the leave policy as pregnancy related, which I could if I told them about it. So I have to soldier on, yawn through meetings with my friends, try not to whinge too much except to my partner (who can't really understand, not having gone through it). I want my mum village! I can't imagine I'm the only one who thinks support is most needed in the 1st tri, when you're not 'supposed' to ask for it.

I'd also be interested to know internationally (global village that we are here!) if this is more of a UK thing, or of round the world women are inclined/encouraged not to reveal pregnancy until the second trimester?

I guess most women don't like to tell too soon because it would be so horrible having to "un-tell" people if the worst should happen. But there's no law about it. You can do what you like. I told my boss because I felt ill and wanted him to know why, and also so it would be easier if I had needed time off in the event of something going wrong.

It's just what most people prefer to do. You can make your own choice.

I think it is about managing other people’s reactions to a miscarriage.

Most people I know do share news with their closest friends and family before 12 weeks. Those they would tell if they had a miscarriage.

For acquaintances, it’s not necessarily something they would want them to know.

For me, not telling anyone wasn’t that I wouldn’t want to bother them if anything went wrong or cause them disappointment, but that I wouldn’t want to put myself in a situation where I had to say ‘actually...’ it was to protect myself rather than anyone else! If they weren’t someone I’d turn to for support if the worst happened, I didn’t tell them before the first scan. So it was just a single close friend, my sister and work (as I needed time off For the scan, and if I had a miscarriage I’d have had/wanted to tell them anyway as I’d have wanted time off to recover).

I told my (female) boss and she made the excellent point that were I to miscarry then she would happily fend off any ‘why is DelurkingAJ off work’ questions from colleagues. So yes, telling a small number of key people you trust seems very sensible.

If you see a heartbeat on an early scan, you have a 98% chance of taking home a baby 9 months later.

Yet women are told to keep it to themselves to not burden others with the potential of a miscarriage.

I have always thought this is crap and leaves women without support systems. I announce as soon as we have a first scan.

@ShebaShimmyShake

Now I know this is completely individual choice, and by no means am I saying everyone 'should' do the opposite any more than they 'should' keep it quiet. So could I please not get a bunch of posts commenting that I can tell whoever I want and just go ahead and do it!

So that's one and counting...

I don't think it's just 'what people prefer to do'. It's not a law but it's very much 'a thing'. I've known a lot of friends who've lost pregnancies before the first scan who have had it downplayed because 'it as so early', 'it's not a real pregnancy, just a couple of missed periods', and other minimising things like that. I saw one woman in a mum group i'm in chastised for sharing her pregnancy test picture with us, because it was 'too early' . There is definite cultural encouragement to downplay or conceal early pregnancy!

I didn't tell anyone til 16 weeks both times, I'm just massively private and don't like discussing my body with other people. I agree though if people would want support off other people if anything happened then it's fine for them to tell everyone if they want. The only thing is if they tell a few trusted people, I would generally expect everyone to know as people generally sre rubbish at keeping secrets

@WombOfOnesOwn...Completely false. 80 percent of miscarriages fall within the first trimester. After 6 weeks (first heartbeat seen in ultrasound) the risk is at 10 percent

My sister didn't tell my dad till 13 weeks "because he would think it would be a tragedy For Ever".

As it happened, two days later she lost that pregnancy. I've never spoken to my dad about it but he seems to have coped

I'm not sure the managing other people's emotions really comes into it - most other people are going to think "oh that's sad". It's really about what and how much you have to deal with. If you're the sort of person who wants to tell everyone and be overtly emotional when bad things happen then obviously you will want people to know if you have a miscarriage; if you're the sort of person who prefers to keep bad things private then obviously you won't want more than a few close people to know.

Do whatever is best for you.

If you feel you want support in the early months, tell the people who you hope will support you.

It's not your responsibility to worry about managing their disappointment or whatever, if the worst should happen before the first scan.

It was strongly suggested to me by my mother not to tell anyone till after 12 weeks and first scan as she'd misscarried at 13 weeks just after telling everyone and people had been really shit about it.

So with first waited till 13 weeks and scan to tell anyone. Then we had one of DH family members kept on and on about possible miscarrage risk till second scan was done - next baby we waited till second scan and 20 weeks to tell anyone.

I think it's much more common these days to tell everyone very early these days.

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@ShebaShimmyShake

Now I know this is completely individual choice, and by no means am I saying everyone 'should' do the opposite any more than they 'should' keep it quiet. So could I please not get a bunch of posts commenting that I can tell whoever I want and just go ahead and do it!

So that's one and counting...

I don't think it's just 'what people prefer to do'. It's not a law but it's very much 'a thing'. I've known a lot of friends who've lost pregnancies before the first scan who have had it downplayed because 'it as so early', 'it's not a real pregnancy, just a couple of missed periods', and other minimising things like that. I saw one woman in a mum group i'm in chastised for sharing her pregnancy test picture with us, because it was 'too early' . There is definite cultural encouragement to downplay or conceal early pregnancy![/quote]
Are we counting? Ok: foolishness number one: you don't get to start a thread on a public forum and dictate how people respond. Number two: not realising that it might well be necessary for a poster to acknowledge this matter of choice to lend context to the post as a whole. Number three: noticing only the one short sentence that apparently doesn't interest you, and not the preceding paragraph that was saying something else.

You do indeed have a choice and I'm not convinced by your responses, such as they are, that you do in fact fully grasp this.

I’m quite a private person, as is DH, so I’m not sure we would’ve told people if we’d had bad news. Though obviously you don’t know how you’ll react unless it happens to you. Knowing loads of people were awaking scan news would’ve stressed me out more!

As it happens, I was very ill in early pregnancy, and we told people on a ‘need to know’ basis. My family, and our employers- because we needed their support. Everyone else was told after 12 weeks.

I told everyone with my first and then miscarried, it was soul destroying to have to tell the world I’d lost my baby, it added to the pain and grief, with my second and third pregnancies I kept quiet until I knew everything was ok because I was so scared to have to face everyone again if the worse was to happen.

Miscarriages are very common though, particularly now we find out we're pregnant a lot earlier through home testing kits. No opinion on when you tell anyone but virtually every woman I know ( friends/ colleagues) has had at least one miscarriage.

It's not just a UK thing. It's very common in the US to not announce until after 12 weeks. I never announced any of mine until.After they were born. Family members for a birth announcement a few weeks after birth

@ShebaShimmyShake

What leads you to imagine that I don't grasp that I have a choice? Was it the bit where I said I am thinking I might just choose to say bollocks to it and tell people?

I wasn't 'dictating'; I was simply indicating what I was getting at and what I wasn't. You seem to have missed the point.

@Leaannb WOW. Did people not notice??

Its a personal decision. I'd like to see less judgement for those who do decide to share.

I've had a miscarriage, a termination for medical reasons, a healthy baby and I'm 27 weeks pregnant.

I'm a talker and the taboo has made it very tricky sometimes.

There is a big difference between telling close family, friends, managers and others who you know would understand the ups and downs of early pregnancy and making the big announcement on social media.

If you decide not to tell anyone til after 12 weeks and then find that your health (both physical and mental) is affected by the pregnancy before then, surely you can just decide to tell people "early" if you need to. I'm not sure it matters - each woman can decide what works for them.

@VeniceQueen2004 only when I came off the deployment lists

@Treaclepie19 sorry for your losses and congratulations on your baby and pregnancy!

I agree, less judgement is what I'd like to see too. I have a very limited family and social circle who would give a damn about the occupancy of my womb in any case - but right now I'm poorly and rubbish and I want them to sympathise with me!! As I would if the worst happened too I believe. For me the decision is looking pretty straightforward... but the fact that even so I feel a there's a 'taboo' that I'll be breaking is the issue!

I believe in the principal of only telling people you would want to know in case of miscarriage. So you might tell your Mum... But not your second cousin. Your best friend, but not the person you talk on the train to every morning.

It's not so much 'burdening' people with miscarriage, but more protecting yourself.

Several people found out I was pregnant during my 'dramatic' miscarriage... I call it that ass I fainted in a pool of blood. One of them was offended she didn't know I was pregnant before that... But only 2 people knew as I was still getting my head round it.

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@ShebaShimmyShake

What leads you to imagine that I don't grasp that I have a choice? Was it the bit where I said I am thinking I might just choose to say bollocks to it and tell people?

I wasn't 'dictating'; I was simply indicating what I was getting at and what I wasn't. You seem to have missed the point.[/quote]
I answered your question with a relevant paragraph. I finished off with a very short sentence reminding you that you have a choice because it was relevant to the post, lent context to it, and also because I do not believe you actually do realise this. The fact that you're trying to forbid people from mentioning it, and getting so totally and unnecessarily pissy about it, is just reinforcing that impression.

Funnily enough, I actually thought about leaving it out because of your silly order, but I decided that you were probably capable of seeing it in the wider context and how there was significantly more to what I said than just that. My mistake.

You have a choice and it's fine to go against the grain if you want to. It's also fine for anyone on your public thread to say so if they think it is among the things that you're not getting.