Trigger re MC and termination: AIBU to think the 'not telling people you're pregnant until after 3 month scan' custom is detrimental to pregnant women?

[VeniceQueen2004]

I am currently pregnant and keeping it quiet until the 12 week scan is OK. I did the same thing with my first child. I know it is very much 'the done thing'. But this pregnancy, I'm actually quite irritated by it and thinking I might say bollocks to it.

Now I know this is completely individual choice, and by no means am I saying everyone 'should' do the opposite any more than they 'should' keep it quiet. So could I please not get a bunch of posts commenting that I can tell whoever I want and just go ahead and do it!

I'm asking more re the principle - I feel the cultural trend is very much in one direction, and I think in a lot of ways even the basic premise of why that is the case is a bit harmful to women!

So firstly, the idea (I presume) is that in case of miscarriage/issues on the first scan that might lead to the decision to terminate, is that you don't get people all excited 'for nothing'. Or so you don't have to deal with other people's reactions to your early pregnancy loss if it happens.

But... miscarriage/termination can be a huge deal, especially of a wanted pregnancy. Many women (and their partners) would desperately want support and sympathy from their families and wider support networks through this process. The idea seems to imply that MC or termination for medical reasons should be a dirty secret the woman has to bear herself, not bother others with, to me.

Tangentially, I had a really easy first pregnancy - this one, the first trimester is KILLING me. I'm so so tired. I have had days I just want to curl up and sleep. I feel nauseous all day. Basically I'm ill! But I can't tell anyone this or they'll need to know why. I can't take leave from work which doesn't count against the leave policy as pregnancy related, which I could if I told them about it. So I have to soldier on, yawn through meetings with my friends, try not to whinge too much except to my partner (who can't really understand, not having gone through it). I want my mum village! I can't imagine I'm the only one who thinks support is most needed in the 1st tri, when you're not 'supposed' to ask for it.

I'd also be interested to know internationally (global village that we are here!) if this is more of a UK thing, or of round the world women are inclined/encouraged not to reveal pregnancy until the second trimester?

My friend had IVF and told family / friends early on - she then had a miscarriage just before 12 week scan. I was so glad I Knew as I could send flowers and be there for her. I hate how miscarriage is like some dirty little secret that women are expected to cope with alone. With any other illness / death / loss you turn to friends and family. I told my family and close friends early when I was pregnant

I think it is more a superstition that people have become paranoid about, that if you tell everyone early you will miscarry and if you don't tell everyone you won't. It's a load of crock but some people just can't except that some things just happen there isn't a reason for it, their brains just can't fathom it otherwise so they make up reasons, like oh it was because you told people too early you invited bad energy in.

This is so pertinent to me! I had a missed miscarriage last year resulting in a miscarriage right before 13 weeks when we were going to tell everyone. Since then we told everyone that I was pregnant and I had a miscarriage (partly because I feel no shame in it and partly because people had guessed I was pregnant) and I wish we would have just told them in the first place that I was pregnant. It doesn't make it any less of a baby or a pregnancy. Next time (hopefully there's a next time) I will be telling people much earlier.

I think people generally do what is best for them. Some people announce from the first test and some wait until later. It's a very personal call.

I've always told my family and friends early on because I'm the kind of person who would tell them about a MC. In my first pregnancy I told everyone at 8 weeks after an early scan. I found it incredibly hard bumping into people weeks after I miscarried who had been told the good news, but hadn't heard the bad.

So in future pregnancies I told only family and friends and asked them to keep it to themselves. After my second MC I bumped into someone who'd been told the good, but not the bad new so the person that told them wasn't included in the group who knew early on any subsequent pregnancies.

On one ocassion due to the situation I was working in colleagues knew before family or friends as I had to ask to be moved from working with a child prone to physical violence. It was like an amusing white elephant in the room as none of my colleagues mentioned it as it wasn't an announcement, but they knew because it was obvious.

So, whilst you may not want a bunch of posts saying "It's up to you" it really is. It's like any other piece of information we give out about ourselves - we have to choose when to release it based on what we want to deal with from other people

YANBU. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I had told people I was pregnant whenever it came up. So if I met someone for a drink and they asked why I was on the Becks Blue I didnt lie. When I had a miscarriage I had to tell a few people but I would have done anyway. So even if I hadn't told them I was pregnant in the first place I would have told friends I was going through a miscarriage same as I would have told them about any other illness or bereavement I was suffering.

When I told friends 3 of them shared their own stories and all seemed relieved that by me sharing they felt "allowed". Yes it's crap that anyone feels they aren't meant to talk about it until someone else does. One of my friends then had a miscarriage a month after me. We talked a few times about it and she might not have been able to talk and ask for my support if I hadn't already told her.

I went on to have two successful pregnancies and and took the same policy. I told immediate family over the phone pretty much as soon as I knew and any others as and when it came up so I ended up telling loads of people at a wedding when I was 10 weeks because a few people clocked the non-drinking.

Of course nobody should feel forced to tell before they are ready but I do agree that the expectation to keep it a secret till 12 weeks is unhelpful.

It is a very personal thing and depends on the person/couple.

I would have happily said nothing unless necessary and/or let the eventual bump do the talking. I’m a private person and even though I was happy to be pregnant, I didn’t feel this need to announce it. Husband announced the pregnancy to his side first and then I would to my side. My family lives in the States and we weren’t close at the time.

With our first, husband announce it because his sister announced hers and to be fair, I let my family know. Had an issue with our first so husband told his family about it, but I didn’t tell mine because I wanted a second opinion and wasn’t going to worry them over nothing. Had to tell work so I could go to the appointment (that was uncomfortable). Things were said that I didn’t like from his side that upset me even more saying I should just take the doctor at their word. Second opinion was a world renowned fetal specialist who said baby was fine. No apologies were given to me, but hey ho. Baby suffered birth trauma due to the doctor having inducing me unnecessarily and it failing spectacularly, but the effects didn’t show until he was almost 2.

Second baby didn’t say anything until after the 20 week anomaly scan. Again, husband announced it to his side and I told mine. His side questioned why we didn’t say anything sooner and husband told them because of what happened last time.

He phones his family and I just post an ultrasound picture to my side.

I did announce when our sons were born with pictures though via Facebook since the majority of our friends and family are on there. Immediate family was told beforehand.

If I had had a miscarriage, I would want to grieve on my own. If I need support, I know who I would go to, but it is something I would rather come to terms with alone. Plus, I know some family members who would tell others and if I wanted others to know I would tell them.

None of my business what others choose for themselves. Not my pregnancy, not my business.

I didn't think it was a 'tradition' to do this because MC had to be borne by the mother as a dirty little secret. I thought people who chose to do this did it to protect themselves from unwanted attention or remarks in the case that something did happen.

That's why I didn't tell anyone - I knew I would be able to cope better with my own loss if I didn't have to worry about the pain and upset of my parents as well. Also you get so much judgement as a pregnant woman - "should you be doing that, should you be eating that" and so much nagging over things like names, birth plans, breastfeeding etc - it was really nice to have those first 12 weeks to myself and my husband without interference.

It never occurred to me that it was a 'cultural practice' that was being imposed on people who didn't want to keep it a secret.

I’ve had multiple mc and I didn’t tell people because well I didn’t need them to know. In all honesty the people who’s told me before 12 weeks have had a perfectly normal pregnancy but here’s where I’m going to sound a bitch I was over their pregnancies by 25-30 weeks because it just felt like they had been pregnant forever and a day. There’s no excitement for me I’m not baby shopping for cribs and feeling kicks or whatever so by the time the baby arrives I’m like ah cute here’s a present quick hug bye.

12 weeks with the first then 8 weeks or earlier with next two as couldnt hide it

2nd pregnancy I told everyone after about 6 weeks having felt much like you do. I felt absolutely fine until the scan that showed my baby had died and I had to tell everyone. It was awful for me. But if it wouldn’t bother you then tell as early as you like, I’ve had people tell me I think 15 minutes after conception 🧐

I totally agree - I told my mum as soon as the second line showed up pretty much and my family and close friends all knew at 10 weeks.

I think it's a bit of a taboo because people would rather not think about it and rather women keep this pain to themselves.

A close friend of mine said she couldn't believe I was having a baby shower because it would jinx the pregnancy and the baby should only be celebrated when they arrive. I totally disagree with this as I felt like a mum during my pregnancy and my baby was definitely something to be celebrated, even when she was still in the womb. (I appreciate this is at a much later stage, but the principle is similar I feel)

People do what works best for them. Realistically you are much more likely to have a miscarriage in your first trimester so traditionally it's why you waited until you were in the safe zone . I miscarried my first pregnancy and no one in work knew and that suited me. It was at 10 weeks and it was easier to deal with not having people feeling sorry for me or tip toeing around me. On my other three pregnancies I told people earlier as I was sick and miserable so they would probably have guessed anyway.

I’m writing a dissertation on this at the moment. It’s certainly prevalent in the western world, and that’s where I’ve focussed my research.

Reasons appear to be threefold - risk perception and the fear of miscarriage, the devaluation of feminine embodied knowledge such as quickening in favour of masculine visual confirmation via ultrasound scan and pregnancy tests, and thirdly the tentative pregnancy, where pregnancy is almost dual reality until confirmation of fetal health.

It’s exceptionally interesting. Hard going, though.

I didn't tell anyone before 12 weeks each time because I didn't want anyone to know. I hate dealing with upsetting things publicly and for people I don't know well to know private things about me. So if I'd miscarried I would have hated anyone to know, so it's not the case that all women want/need support beyond their partners. I definitely wouldn't have.

YABU. I don't agree that people only do this because 'its a thing'. Most people do it, I imagine, because they want to. I wouldn't want to have to announce a miscarriage after all the congratulations and positive messages I'd have received earlier from people, I think a lot of women feel the same hence the decision most make to wait until 12 weeks. I don't think it's because people think they have to.

I also don't see why you can't tell work? I've had lots of pregnancy issues, including miscarriages. I've always told work early on so that they can help me if needed should the worst happen. Same with close friends and family, I think it's common for people to tell those closest to them earlier than 12 weeks.

So yeah, I don't think it's some sort of social pressure/law that women have to wait until 12 weeks. I think most just know the risks and therefore choose to because they want to.

I told very few people early on in my pregnancies and but I did take about my mc and mmc. For me it was knowing the large chance the pregnancy would go wrong early and not wanting others to get my hopes up and then for them to be shattered. When I did miscarry it was hard but people were supportive and I was happier being truthful than hiding it.

Years ago women had to wait two weeks after a missed period to get a pregnancy test at the doctor. I think you could pay at the chemist but don't think it was much earlier. Then there was a week or two waiting for the result so, in my case I was 8 weeks pregnant and already had morning sickness by the time it was confirmed. My GP then told me to come back at 12 weeks, it didn't seem to be regarded as a definite pregnancy until then. That was 1979.

My point is that this isn't a new trend. This is the way it used to be.

YABU. I don't agree that people only do this because 'its a thing'. Most people do it, I imagine, because they want to. I wouldn't want to have to announce a miscarriage after all the congratulations and positive messages I'd have received earlier from people, I think a lot of women feel the same hence the decision most make to wait until 12 weeks. I don't think it's because people think they have to.

So yeah, I don't think it's some sort of social pressure/law that women have to wait until 12 weeks. I think most just know the risks and therefore choose to because they want to.

I think the one feeds the other. For a very long time there has been an expectation that you don't tell till 12 weeks, so people don't, so people don't hear about miscarriage, so it becomes something that women expectd to deal with alone and feel they are better off dealing with alone, so they do that and it goes round and round.

@BuntyCollocks that tentative pregnancy point is fascinating.

I had three mcs before this baby and I never let myself believe he was real.

I think most people wait to tell out of self protection. I agree it’s good to talk about miscarriage but having been through it I’m glad I was able to seek support on my own terms without having to unannounce my ‘good news’. That would have just added to my heartbreak.

I told some close friends and family about my miscarriage during and after it happened. I didn’t tell anyone at work (aside from my boss) which I am very glad about - it allowed me to feel relatively normal and like I had an area of my life which hadn’t been touched by my grief / fertility issues. Going to work became welcome escapism.

I didn’t tell anyone until after the 20 week scan (aside from close family, who knew straight away). Someone close to me found out at 20 weeks that the baby would not survive, which was Obviously incredibly traumatic and they had to tell everyone that there was no longer a baby. This of course is personal to me, I can understand both points of view to be honest. You have to be comfortable that anyone you tell you may have to inform that you’ve lost the baby, and up to 12 weeks the risk is much higher. I know many people that have found out they had a missed miscarriage at the 12 week scan, which is much more common than I realised. Do what you feel comfortable with.

Yet women are told to keep it to themselves to not burden others with the potential of a miscarriage

Is that the reason, so other people aren't burdened by it. FGS. I didn't know that.

I told people from 7 weeks because I felt sick and knew they'd notice!

I've always thought it was a stupid convention. Generally women feel at their sickest between 6-12 weeks and that's the time you "can't" tell.

It’s a tough call really. I’d worry that if the expectation became that people were open about pregnancy from the start, there would be much more discrimination in the work place - I don’t plan to tell my work officially until much later.

I’ve had three miscarriages, at 6, 10 and 11 weeks. I told close friends about those pregnancies and the resulting losses. Then I had my daughter. I didn’t go public until around 17 weeks. I’m pregnant again, almost 8 weeks and have told three friends who would support me through another miscarriage if that happens. Again, i don’t really want to share the news more widely because it’s a hugely anxious time for me.

For me the balance is being able to feel comfortable telling close friends but also being happy to hide behind the first 12 weeks a being a private time.

Like the OP I feel like total crap though, and I’m am so bloated I look pregnant already! I have no idea how I’m going to hide it when I see anyone I know.

I hadn't told anyone when I had my miscarriage earlier this year. I then had to tell my family that I had been pregnant but wasn't anymore, which was hard. In retrospect I wished they'd know before and known I was having a scan that day - it would have been less of a shock for them. On the flip side, I was soooo glad I hadn't told anyone at work as I, personally, just couldn't have put a brave face on if they'd all known. I did manage to put a brave face on after a few days off but only because my grief was very private iykwim. I told a friend after I'd had the miscarriage what had happened and she was really awkward about it, changed the subject quickly. Yeah, some friend! Everyone should tell who they want to tell but no one should kid themselves that it won't happen to them and should think it through carefully. I think some people get so excited that they want to announce it to the world, which is fine as long as it won't add to their grief if the worst happens.

With my first 2 pregnancies I waited the 12 weeks for the scan before I told anyone. With my last pregnancy I told my family and (small) team at work the day after I found out. I had had a miscarriage 5 months earlier and the day I started bleeding we were extremely short staffed and I was trying to get an early scan booked to see if I was losing the baby. To tell my colleague that I was pregnant and possibly miscarrying at the same time was awful. My team supported me so much that when I fell pregnant again It felt right to tell them so that if the worst happened again I was not having to see the joy on their face followed by the look of ‘I’m not sure what to say now’ the can come with telling people your are having a miscarriage. It is a personal decision and every woman should do what is right for them