Trigger re MC and termination: AIBU to think the 'not telling people you're pregnant until after 3 month scan' custom is detrimental to pregnant women?

[VeniceQueen2004]

I am currently pregnant and keeping it quiet until the 12 week scan is OK. I did the same thing with my first child. I know it is very much 'the done thing'. But this pregnancy, I'm actually quite irritated by it and thinking I might say bollocks to it.

Now I know this is completely individual choice, and by no means am I saying everyone 'should' do the opposite any more than they 'should' keep it quiet. So could I please not get a bunch of posts commenting that I can tell whoever I want and just go ahead and do it!

I'm asking more re the principle - I feel the cultural trend is very much in one direction, and I think in a lot of ways even the basic premise of why that is the case is a bit harmful to women!

So firstly, the idea (I presume) is that in case of miscarriage/issues on the first scan that might lead to the decision to terminate, is that you don't get people all excited 'for nothing'. Or so you don't have to deal with other people's reactions to your early pregnancy loss if it happens.

But... miscarriage/termination can be a huge deal, especially of a wanted pregnancy. Many women (and their partners) would desperately want support and sympathy from their families and wider support networks through this process. The idea seems to imply that MC or termination for medical reasons should be a dirty secret the woman has to bear herself, not bother others with, to me.

Tangentially, I had a really easy first pregnancy - this one, the first trimester is KILLING me. I'm so so tired. I have had days I just want to curl up and sleep. I feel nauseous all day. Basically I'm ill! But I can't tell anyone this or they'll need to know why. I can't take leave from work which doesn't count against the leave policy as pregnancy related, which I could if I told them about it. So I have to soldier on, yawn through meetings with my friends, try not to whinge too much except to my partner (who can't really understand, not having gone through it). I want my mum village! I can't imagine I'm the only one who thinks support is most needed in the 1st tri, when you're not 'supposed' to ask for it.

I'd also be interested to know internationally (global village that we are here!) if this is more of a UK thing, or of round the world women are inclined/encouraged not to reveal pregnancy until the second trimester?

I m 22 weeks pregnant, I let my work know at 6 weeks, due to current circumstances and the fact in october I had miscarage at 12 weeks, I had to phone in work as I had started bleeding heavily and was having miscarage when I was due in work in the next hour. So they know about it anyway in the end. I think it is better to tell, for situations like that, and the fact if you do miscary while you might not have to tell everyone you have miscarried after telling them your pregnant, it hurts more when you want to talk about it but one knew.

I didn't tell any one until 20 weeks because my family would have been devastated for me.

I'm used to feeling my own pain, but I would have felt guilty if I'd caused pain that was unnecessary. By 20 weeks I was very sure that we had a good strong chance at a successful pregnancy after a previous loss where I told family at 7 weeks.

I also don't like to be pandered to. I didn't want the "are you ok" texts and calls that didn't help and just reminded me that I shouldn't feel ok because I'd just lost a baby.

Completely agree with you OP. I think it encourages a culture whereby if you lose the baby, you think it’s easier to keep quiet and suffer in silence because nobody knew you were pregnant, so what’s the point in telling them now.

Miscarriage is so common (myself and almost all of my female friends have had one) and surely if we didn’t encourage the ‘keep quiet until 12 weeks’ culture there would be more support readily available.

I don't think its detrimental - other than my partner and the holiday insurance company - I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until 12 weeks- I was convinced something would go wrong and I don't think dealing with all the having to tell everyone/people's disappointment/sympathy would have helped. I also think it takes some time to get used to being pregnant and at least you get some time to digest it yourself without getting everyone's views. That said I've known a lot of friends were pregnant before 12 weeks as stopping drinking is a give away.
I did have an early miscarriage in another pregnancy and I was very glad not to have told people as I needed to deal with it myself.
In some way for me its more of an extension of the period where you are waiting to see if you've conceived - when most people wouldn't share!

Thank you so much for all the responses and huge sympathies for those who have experienced losses. It's given me a different perspective.

I do think there is still a huge social taboo around miscarriage, where we're not supposed to talk about it. I think this does feed into why SOME people would prefer to deal with it on their own rather than seeking wider support - I am aware though that everyone is different and some people just are "private people". It's the same taboo around rape, and suicide. Even though we're all aware these things happen to people a lot through no fault of their own there's still a huge cultural cringe if anyone affected wants to talk about it. My mum killed herself after a lifelong battle with mental and physical illness and a lot of life trauma. The number of people who pressured me not even to reference these absolutely formative aspects of who she was at her funeral, and make out it was all sunshine and kittens and a "natural" death was incredible. She was also a sufferer of miscarriage (molar pregnancy) and rape, and was open about these experiences (in context) - she got huge amount of stick for this, with people saying she was "coarse" for admitting these things had happened to her and even telling her she was humiliating her husband by mentioning that she had been raped (it was when she was young and long before she met him, not that that is even relevant!)

I just feel that these unspoken "rules" are all the more pernicious because they are unspoken and can hide behind "well you can do what you want, there's no law" as if there are no social consequences for stepping out with "the done thing".

With social media we have an over sharing culture or a more open culture nowadays, really depends on which side of the fence you are on. We told both sides of the family on the same day I got a positive test with our dd. They were over the moon but I feel it was naive looking back as I had a bleed a few days later (implantation bleed thankfully). With my ds we told two weeks after finding out. We only told immediate family and asked them to not share with anyone else (my mil didn't keep quiet either time even though my second pregnancy was deemed hish risk). If we go on to have another I would like to keep it quiet for as long as possible. My sister recently had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. She is glad she hadn't told anyone other than siblings as she couldn't cope with having to deal with people feeling sorry for her. Each women is different in how she feels and there is no right or wrong way. If you want to keep quiet until 20 weeks go for it, same if you put up a facebook announcement the day you test positive.

We told our family straight away as we would have told them about the miscarriage. I didn't tell others such as colleagues etc as I don't like weird awkward announcements and attention, they just found out as the baby grew! It was obvious as I don't put weight on anywhere other than my stomach so some asked some didn't.

Just make whatever choice you see fit. Women are told not to burden others with miscarriages which is terrible. I was told "your baby's dead. Don't forget your partner will be upset so don't make it just about you."

We told ours mums immediately at 6 weeks, My best friend at 7 weeks, work due to morning sickness) and a bunch of friends (on a night out when I wasn’t drinking) at at about 9 weeks etc. My DH told his brother And a couple of friends at some point early on. It never really occurred to me to wait or try to hide it. Our mums and close friends knew we had been hoping for a baby and it took over 3 yrs to conceive.

I did have a couple of scares With bleeding at 14 and 15 weeks but the cause wasn’t found and DS was fine. He is 13 now :)

My advice would be tell people if you want or of it helps (i.e. around work).

Should add that the ref to the scares was to say things can still happen after 12 weeks. My mum, his mum and work were supportive. I would have appreciated their support just as much if had it happened earlier without having to start at the beginning or keep quiet.

People can do what they want and tell who they want. I don't think testing days before your period is even due, telling everyone, then telling everyone you had a miscarriage a fews later (which would otherwise have just been considered a period) is good for that person but again, people can do what they want.

I've had a premature baby, a miscarriage at 6 weeks, mmc at 10 weeks but didn't find out till 12 and delivered at 15 weeks and I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant.
We didn't tell anyone about me being pregnant the last 3 times until we knew what was happening both good and bad. To us there was no shame telling family and friends that we'd lost our babies as to us they are our children and they part of us.
I have 4 children but only 2 of them are with us, that's our view.
Family have actually been worse than us by either blaming me for losing the babies or talking abut it in hushed tones as if its taboo. We told those people that it is not taboo so don't treat our children like a dirty secret.
We now talk openly and its great to have that support when we need it

Due to my experience of a 10 week loss first time around & then a 6month still birth second time around, we told family members after 12 weeks and friends after 24 weeks. This was to save my heart ache of having to explain if anything was to go wrong. I'd had enough heart break (but good support throughout) and I felt myself contacting everyone I knew to let them know my babies had died (stillbirth was a multiple one) in fear of them texting and asking "how my pregnancy was going" Every one is differen't though and there's no right or wrong way to do it. As long as you feel comfortable then that's what matters.

I have a number of friends and acquaintances who are against termination. I certainly wouldn't have wanted them to know if I'd chosen to go down that route whether for medical or personal reasons. So getting past the early antenatal tests is why some won't say anything before then.

I never felt under any pressure to not tell people until a certain date- I was of course aware that most women don't until they have reached 12 weeks, had the first scan etc, but I never had a sense that anyone thought women shouldn't.

Loads of people tell early nowadays
I dont know many that dont tell at least close family and friends quite early
I had mine 17 years ago and told family at about 8 weeks

I didn’t tell my family when I had MCs, I can’t think of much I’d dread more than telling them. I told some close friends.

I go by the rule of thumb that the people you tell early are those you’d tell should they pregnancy not work out.

From around 3-4 months I don’t have the luxury of not telling anyway as I start to show, so that’s a natural time for me to let people know.

I really don’t think there’s much more to it than that.

I told everyone at 5 weeks with my first pregnancy. Then I miscarried at 9 weeks.

The risk is with the people that hear about the pregnancy but not the miscarriage. And being congratulated by acquaintances at work 3 weeks after my mc was very upsetting at the time.

I’d advise anyone to wait until after the first scan before publicising the pregnancy for self preservation reasons alone.

I joined a mumsnet thread and then we made a FB group for this reason. Pregnancy is hard, and I needed others to talk to. I told some people early, people I knew would be supportive if I had a miscarriage. If you want to tell people I don’t understand why you don’t just do it? It’s not a rule or a law!

This is such an emotive subject for us -

I have had one successful pregnancy and then 2 pregnancies and now pregnant again.

I started to tell people at 8 weeks on my second and accordingly to a friend people had guess due to new teetotal life. I miscarried at 10 weeks and it was horrific having to tell people I had lost it

For the third pregnancy I didn't tell anyone and I lost it at 8 weeks. I told two friends thinking they might support me - nothing. Really wish I hadn't bothered but I wanted someone to know that my baby existed for a few short weeks.

With this one - again we won't tell anyone till after the 12 week scan as actually I won't believe there is a chance it will be ok till we get through that.

Actually I tell a lie - I told my manager. It was horrific having to call in sick and state the it was miscarriage and needed time off so this time I thought I would tell him I am pregnant early so that if there is bad news it might be an easier conversation.

I have had two miscarriages this year and my MIL told me not to try again for another year and not to tell anyone if you do. I found that unhelpful, upsetting, selfish and ultimately our relationship has strained since. When I had my first miscarriage in hospital there was a notice board with a woman's story of grief after having multiple miscarriages. She claimed the worst thing you could do was keep it to yourself. I agree I am pregnant again and my partner wants to keep it quiet to please his mom. Although I am atm following his wishes in a week or so I will tell my friends and my parents because it's so important to have that communication. As for his mom I'm happy for her to be in the dark that's her wishes but I'm not risking my own mental health to please her.

I didn't think it was a 'tradition' to do this because MC had to be borne by the mother as a dirty little secret. I thought people who chose to do this did it to protect themselves from unwanted attention or remarks in the case that something did happen

Exactly this. How on earth is a m/c a dirty little secret?

There's no law that says you have to wait 12 weeks. I did with DS1 because I sort of thought I ought to, but I didn't with DS2 - although there were different circumstances, I was working when I got pregnant with DS1 and I guess I thought there might be an actual work rule about mentioning it earlier, whereas with DS2 (who is only 19 months younger) I wasn't working and the only people I needed to tell were friends and family. I think there should be no stigma around telling people earlier precisely because of the possibility of a miscarriage - how are you supposed to get the help and support you'll probably need if nobody knew you were pregnant in the first place?

'how are you supposed to get the help and support you'll probably need if nobody knew you were pregnant in the first place?' @foxtiger

Think that is spot on.

It depends on your attitude mostly, we are all different BUT early miscarriage (under 6 weeks is very common, in years gone by women thought they were simply "late" but pregnancy tests now mean that women know they are pregnant before their period is even due. Only at this point can you start to know the pregnancy is viable, around 1 in 4 are not.

Personally I told nobody until 6 weeks then I told the people who I would want support from if I did miscarry (no scans until 18 weeks then). My friends did have to make the heart wrenching decision to abort after the 18 scan and only a few know this as people can be very judgemental about abortion.

There's no right and wrong. But I do think there's a point you cross where the pregnancy is properly established and that needs to be passed before you tell the world