Trigger re MC and termination: AIBU to think the 'not telling people you're pregnant until after 3 month scan' custom is detrimental to pregnant women?

[VeniceQueen2004]

I am currently pregnant and keeping it quiet until the 12 week scan is OK. I did the same thing with my first child. I know it is very much 'the done thing'. But this pregnancy, I'm actually quite irritated by it and thinking I might say bollocks to it.

Now I know this is completely individual choice, and by no means am I saying everyone 'should' do the opposite any more than they 'should' keep it quiet. So could I please not get a bunch of posts commenting that I can tell whoever I want and just go ahead and do it!

I'm asking more re the principle - I feel the cultural trend is very much in one direction, and I think in a lot of ways even the basic premise of why that is the case is a bit harmful to women!

So firstly, the idea (I presume) is that in case of miscarriage/issues on the first scan that might lead to the decision to terminate, is that you don't get people all excited 'for nothing'. Or so you don't have to deal with other people's reactions to your early pregnancy loss if it happens.

But... miscarriage/termination can be a huge deal, especially of a wanted pregnancy. Many women (and their partners) would desperately want support and sympathy from their families and wider support networks through this process. The idea seems to imply that MC or termination for medical reasons should be a dirty secret the woman has to bear herself, not bother others with, to me.

Tangentially, I had a really easy first pregnancy - this one, the first trimester is KILLING me. I'm so so tired. I have had days I just want to curl up and sleep. I feel nauseous all day. Basically I'm ill! But I can't tell anyone this or they'll need to know why. I can't take leave from work which doesn't count against the leave policy as pregnancy related, which I could if I told them about it. So I have to soldier on, yawn through meetings with my friends, try not to whinge too much except to my partner (who can't really understand, not having gone through it). I want my mum village! I can't imagine I'm the only one who thinks support is most needed in the 1st tri, when you're not 'supposed' to ask for it.

I'd also be interested to know internationally (global village that we are here!) if this is more of a UK thing, or of round the world women are inclined/encouraged not to reveal pregnancy until the second trimester?

It is an interesting questio OP.
I have had 4 mc. For various reasons, with each one there were different circumstances.

1. I had told no-one, I told them after I mc
2. I had told everyone, then had to tell them I had mc
3. I was pregnant following mc and told no-one until after scan
4. I was pregnant following mc and told everyone

I found it very hard to tell people and then have to say I had mc. I also foudn it really hard to have to tell people I was pregnant before that scan, they wanted to congratualte me and I didn't want any of that, being only too aware that I might loose this baby again.

For me the easiest was telling people after the event that I had mc, and telling people I was pregnant once I was past that critical 12 week window. By choice, I would never tell anyone until after the scan.

But I had a close friends who also lost a baby, she told everyone she was pregnant as soon as she had done the test, and then she mc. For her it was easier that way round. And very sadly, later, she lost a baby at 5 months, so it that case everyone knew anyway.

There are no right answers, each person shoudl feel free to do as they please. Interestingly, I think many people do now share it early, maybe social media means we find it harder to keep it secret!

I certainly think that if you are ill it is easier to share.

I still disagree that most women not telling anyone until 12 weeks has much to do with saving other people from having to hear or deal with a MC should the worst happen, or because it's taboo.

I think miscarriage is taboo in the sense that a lot of women feel either too embarrassed themselves about opening up about it, or they find it too painful to do. Not because everyone else thinks it should be a dirty secret.

Me not discussing my miscarriages with everyone has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me finding it too hard or upsetting. Me not telling anyone until after 12 weeks has everything to do with me and protecting myself, not anyone else.

I had a friend announce her pregnancy at about 7 weeks on social media. She then lost the baby a couple of weeks later. It made it so much more traumatic for her having to deal with letting people know, fielding all the 'so sorry' messages etc... It caused her so much more pain, she openly admits now that she'd never do that again, not for anyone else but for her own sake. I think this is what most women think when they wait until X weeks to tell.

So tell people. No one’s stopping you

I really don’t think it’s as much as a thing as you think. I don’t think there’s ever been a “don’t breathe a word to a soul til after the 12 week scan” culture - more of a best not to announce it generally til 12 weeks. Most people I know have worked on the basis of tell close friends and family as soon as you like, and work if you need to. It’s certainly what I’ve always done!

I think miscarriage is taboo in the sense that a lot of women feel either too embarrassed themselves about opening up about it, or they find it too painful to do. Not because everyone else thinks it should be a dirty secret

But surely those two things are dependent on each other. Why would something feel embarrassing unless it is becuase it is seen as taboo and vice versa?

So tell people. No one’s stopping you
Of course not, as was stated in the OP. It was a question of why people don't and if that's becuase of a societal pressure.

the fact that even so I feel a there's a 'taboo' that I'll be breaking is the issue!
I don’t talk about my private health issues with all and sundry. Regardless of whether it’s a pregnancy, a scary smear result, blood in my stool - it’s private. Most people do the same. In general people don’t need or want to know about your personal issues, health related or otherwise. Most women reveal their pregnancy when they reach the point where they’re fairly sure they’re going to have the baby.

I think miscarriage is taboo in the sense that a lot of women feel either too embarrassed
I don’t think that’s the issue. It’s simply that most people apart from your nearest and dearest don’t give a shit. “Oh I’m sorry to hear that” - end of conversation, change the subject.

It’s simply that most people apart from your nearest and dearest don’t give a shit. “Oh I’m sorry to hear that” - end of conversation, change the subject
That's sad. I've been supported by friends through a miscarriage and other bereavements, I've done the same for others and other parts of their fertility troubles.

It's entirely a choice and dependent on how you feel or whether you have a caring support network, which works possibly 2 ways. I chose after 3 mc to not tell anyone until after 20 weeks because of the responses we got. Others I know have told me early as they are worriedc and know I understand.

Close friends and family are your nearest and dearest. But OP is talking about announcing it to the world, 99% of whom couldn’t care less beyond a polite “sorry to hear that”. It’s not specifically a taboo about miscarriage - most of us don’t tell any of our personal issues to random acquaintances or anyone we aren’t extremely close to.

But OP is talking about announcing it to the world, 99% of whom couldn’t care less beyond a polite “sorry to hear that”.

I didnt read anything in the OP that suggested that. She talks about "keeping it quiet" which to suggests telling nobody beyond herself and her partner.

I never did the social media announcing. I'm certainly with you there, I think we may have been at cross purposes based on a different interpretation of the OP.

There really is no expectation that you keep it to yourself. A lot of people just don’t want others knowing if they’ve had a miscarriage/decided to terminate. I wouldn’t tell anyone I was pregnant, until I’d decided to keep the pregnancy because it’s not a discussion I want to have with others. Not everyone is the same. I also don’t tell people when something bad has happened until after I’ve resolved it/accepted that I can’t change it. That’s just what I’m like.

If I could not tell anyone until the last day of the pregnancy, I would be overjoyed! I'm a total hermit and anyone fussing on me, especially when I have problems, stresses the hell out of me. So it's an individual choice.

The pathway to an established pregnancy is complex and much can go wrong in the first trimester. I think what op is suggesting actually puts too much pressure on a woman who has a positive test to then produce a healthy baby. MC in the first trimester is more common than most first time parents realise. I've been there, blissfully unaware until bleeding at 13 weeks. I went through a lot of pain and emotion, supported by my DH and mum. But it was never going to Bea baby. I focused on getting pregnant again, and with two healthy children, I don't think of that pregnancy at all - not as the child I didn't have. Something wasn't right, so it didn't progress. I don't see that as a tragedy but a normal process.
I think the convention of not telling the wider world of your pregnancy until after the first trimester is a useful private breathing space, with sound medical basis.
Everyone has their own experiences, journey and preference though. There is no law to enforce the convention.

I had a miscarriage a few days ago and I would be happy to tell colleagues and friends as I don’t think it’s something we should keep to ourselves. It was a horribly painful and traumatic experience that’s still going on and I’ve been off work for a few days. The only reason I won’t tell most people is because I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable. I can imagine most people would struggle with how to react and what to say. So I’ve only told my closest friends and family and my two immediate bosses who have all been wonderful and supportive. But maybe we should be more open?

I'm with you OP
It smacks of making MC something to hide and that should not be discussed.
There is no other reason not to tell people straight away other than to avoid talking about a loss of it happens

I waited until the 12 week scan to announce my first pregnancy (other than my family and my boss) but lost my daughter shortly after she was born at 24 weeks in January last year.
I found the support from friends, family and even acquaintances absolutely necessary following our loss.

When I found out I was pregnant with my Son in August, I told people from the very start. Once again I had a premature delivery (31 & 3 weeks) and spent 5 weeks in the NICU with my son. Despite the lockdown, the fact that I could share progress and concerns with everybody was so helpful to us and the outpouring of support was amazing.

Like you I was very poorly at the start of both pregnancies plus had to have a procedure to maintain my second pregnancy. So despite the fact that it was very high risk, I really thought it was important to us as a family to share the news early. We wanted to celebrate our little man from the very beginning. This would not be the same choice others might make in similar circumstances, but it was how we chose to handle our pregnancy.

I think in general, as others have said, it is the social 'norm' to wait until after the first scan to make sure everything is alright with the baby, I learnt the hard way that the 12 week mark doesn't mean anything.

Women need support during pregnancy, even if it is just a supply of dry crackers! Babies should be celebrated, wherever you are in your pregnancy term, at whatever point you chose to share and with whomever you chose to share your good news with!

You are right, it is unhelpful. Especially at work, you don't get the legal protection until you disclose the pregnancy. I would tell someone at work and request confidentiality.

I can kind of see why I would want to keep it to myself.

I remember being at an engagement party couple years ago and there was a woman who was just past the 12 week stage, she was at this point buzzing that she could be open about it, so she had a lot of people making small talk with her about being pregnant, she was someone who didn't really mix in that social group often she was just there due to knowing the bride from work. Anyway she sadly miscarried, about 12 months later she attended the wedding and all the people who remembered her from the engagement party were asking about her little one and she had to repeatedly explain she lost him/her. She took it all in her stride and showed appreciation for the sympathy they expressed but it couldn't have been nice for her.

I know this probably isnt a common experience but I guess it may happen on a smaller scale, and since miscarriages are more common at the point before 12 weeks I dont think I'd want to tell people until I was more confident nothing was going to happen.

But that's just me, I dont like people making a fuss out of me and I think if I was to have a miccarrage I'd only want the support of my nearest and dearest.

Do what works for you but I'm in the "don't tell" camp myself. I'd tell my boss & family asap but everyone else can find out as we go, with no announcements on social media, either. I'd prefer to keep it as quiet as possible until 20 weeks or so, even if I was showing, as I couldn't bear the associated chatter & the sympathy if it went wrong. I just wouldn't want to talk about it. I've shared good news too early before and it's put me off doing it again for anything, ever. I can't bear awkward, patronising misplaced sympathy.

Things in my past have taught me not to rely on my body to anything easily, that it takes me twice as long with double the hard work to get things that come to others as easily as breathing and also that when things go wrong for me, I miss by a millimetre never a mile. It really fucking hurts. I have no reason to approach pregnancy any differently.

I agree with waiting if you want to.

I told family at 9 weeks first time round then started bleeding the very next day. They were nice and supportive but I just wanted to move on and not talk about it.

Second time we told nobody at all.

Third pregnancy I didn't even really admit to myself I was pregnant until the 12 week scan.

Fourth pregnancy we waited til 12 again, and I was probably about 18 weeks before I told anybody at work. I didn't want to talk babies.

I totally agree with you OP. I think if people esp family know early on they are in a better position to support if it doesn’t work out. That’s certainly what worked for me. I’d rather people knew and could support, than be wondering what was wrong if I was upset. Why should we just be told to get over it?!

I told people earlier than 12 weeks. The people close to me could guess anyway. No one had an opinion on my telling them earlier. I didn't even realise it was a 'thing' until I started TTC my first.

It probably has some rooting back in ye olde days before pregnancy tests and scans, when the only way of telling if someone was pregnant or not was when they'd missed three periods on the row and their stomach started growing. Both of which coincide with 3 months.

I don't think miscarriages were talked about as much in generations past. But then I also wonder perhaps if they would have actually know they were pregnant in the first place prior to miscarrying. As awful as it sounds, I also think that it was more common for miscarriages, still births and losing children to happen even in my grandparents day compared to now. I think now it is the exception and in some way people now find it harder to talk about and deal with.

I'm pregnant with my first. I've just done the rounds of telling everyone after having had the 12 week scan two weeks ago. OP, I agree and I wish I had at least told my mum. I don't have any close friends who have had children. I found the first 12 weeks very scary and isolating and on top of that I felt like death warmed up on a good day. I wish I'd had that support from my mum.
I'd like to see less judgement/tutting over what would happen if you had a miscarriage if women tell their close support network early.

I’m 18 weeks and haven’t told anyone. I plan to tell my parents and a few close friends at some point, but everyone else can find out when they see me looking obviously pregnant or when the baby arrives.

I’ve had 3 miscarriages before between 10-12 weeks. I haven’t not told anyone because I think miscarriage is a “dirty little secret”, I just don’t think my pregnancies are anyone’s business. In the past I have told a few friends after I had miscarried when I needed their support. I’m not going to post my private medical details all over Facebook for some fake awkward sympathy from some randoms that have crawled out of the woodwork. Pregnancy to me is a deeply private and personal thing. It’s nothing to do with shame.